


Buried in a Shipwrecked Soul

by Basilintime



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, FIx It, M/M, Post Uprising, Precursors, Uprising Spoilers, possessed Newton, probably more characters to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-17 01:30:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 126,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14177634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basilintime/pseuds/Basilintime
Summary: Newton Geiszler is lost to the Precursors. That's what most everyone is telling Hermann at this point. It's not so easy to give up on the man that you love, however, and Hermann isn't one to give in.





	1. Come and knock on our door

                “Hermann, my man.” Tendo’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts as Hermann straightened and turned to face his friend. He hadn’t seen Tendo in a few months since the man was stationed at the new LOCCENT in Vancouver. They had talked though and despite the turmoil that was the PPDC at this time Tendo had come down immediately. They stood now outside a very particular room in the depths of the Shatterdome with a one way window set looking in. Tendo was staring through the window now with a look of loss and confusion on his face that mirrored what was occurring inside of Hermann’s heart. “We should have known.”

                “Yes, or at the very least, _I_ should have known.” Hermann sighed as he looked forward to where Newton was sitting strapped into the chair. He hadn’t been allowed to see him yet but he’d finally convinced them. Tendo was a part of that, he’d be the one monitoring everything. He’d have the switch on this side that would assure that neither of them got out of the room if things went poorly. Hermann hated asking Tendo to be responsible for that but he was the only one that Hermann trusted at this point. Most of them wanted to throw a switch on Newton there and then. If he was still in there, which he was, it was just ‘oh well, so long’ to them all.

                “ _We_ should have known, my man. He cut us all out, changed too much too quickly. I think I assumed it was just that he finally felt he’d gotten his rock star status but part of me knew that couldn’t really be it. Newton could be an ass but he wasn’t a complete dick.” Tendo slid his uniform jacket off and set it on a chair before he surprised Hermann by pulling him into a hug. “You sure about this?”

                “He is still in there, Mr. Choi.” Tendo pulled away enough to look at Hermann with a quick analyzing gaze before nodding his head shortly and turning to the computer that was set up nearby.

                “Right, then we’ll reach him if we can. I think for today it would be better if you just talk. Newton may be…Newton’s in there but he isn’t home alone. You likely already have a vulnerability to them so jumping straight into a drift without some idea of what triggers can be used to reach him would be…well, honestly I’d rather take this as slow as possible.” Hermann sighed as Tendo got the station booted up and running. He’d be monitoring everything from there; Newton’s vitals as well as his own, the drift when they finally got to that stage. If it was completely up to Hermann they would just jump in. He’d jump in like he did out on the streets in the middle of the end of the world for Newton.

                “Thank you, for coming. With Ms. Mori still in recovery it left me with very few allies in this. I…I cannot lose him without even having the chance of trying to get him back.” Hermann’s voice cracked despite his efforts to appear…unaffected. Tendo stood up again and Hermann would have once complained about the man’s affectionate nature but the second hug just then felt like a needed comfort to keep himself from collapsing into himself. It felt as though a black hole had opened up in his chest and threatened to swallow him whole. His throat still felt sore with the feel of another forcing Newton’s hand around his throat. Tendo didn’t let go this time until Hermann pulled away. He allowed himself to stand in the other’s embrace long enough to regain his composure. “We should get started. I would like as much time as we can manage today.”

                “Right you are, my man. I’m about synced up with everything if you want to get your vital markers in place.” Tendo patted him on the shoulder before moving back to the screen. He motioned to a box with a set of monitor pads that Hermann would need to equip. Newton already was equipped, the feed being routed to a security room to monitor him 24/7. Tendo was routing the data into the terminal now and the rhythmic line of his heart beat appeared in a screen. Hermann leaned his cane against the desk and started placing the pads where they needed to be while looking through that window at Newton. When they thought they were alone they seemed to set in into some sort of…sleep state where he stared forward without emotion on his features. Hermann had seen it though a night ago as he had stood out here watching because sleep didn’t seem possible. He had seen tears running down Newton’s cheeks silently and it had pained him while giving him hope at the same time.

                “Are we ready, Mr. Choi?” Tendo turned and fussed with one of the monitoring pads for a second and handing Hermann the small barely there microphone he placed in his ear. Tendo looked through the window for only the second time since coming into the room. Tendo wasn’t as good at hiding his emotions as Hermann was. It was Hermann’s turn to reach out and place a comforting hand on Tendo’s shoulder seeming to bring him back into the present.

                “Yes we are, Dr. Gottlieb. We are about as ready as we’re ever going to be. Whenever you’re ready.” Tendo pulled the chair up to the desk and waited for Hermann to ensure he was entirely in order. Clothing straight, emotions under control and thoughts reeled in to base line processes. He was running numbers, numbers had gotten him through many difficult times in his life. They would be his life line now as he opened the door to Newton’s temporary prison.

                “Dr. Gottlieb. Hermann…Hermms, good to see you.” Newton snapped awake the moment he appeared as he did every time someone had entered the room. They may have been plotting beneath the surface when alone but they most definitely weren’t unaware of their surroundings. Hermann didn’t acknowledge them as he carefully pulled the chair into the room and set it across from him. Newton’s immaculate and preened appearance from the last few years had faded into disarray while locked into this room. He’d been treated a bit indignantly during the last few days but Hermann had pushed hard enough that he had been kept fed and clean. Polished was another thing though and despite it all there was still a hint of body odor lingering in the room already. “What is this now? You going to try and bore us into submission? Oh…wait, no…you’re going to try to reach _him_ , aren’t you?”

                Hermann gave a labored sigh as he sat down, cane held at one side. The door had closed automatically behind him again and the room was silent and cut off from the world. If he was honest he didn’t know how to begin with this. _Newton’s Law First Law of Motion…An object at rest will remain at rest…_

                “You are correct, I would like to speak with Dr. Geiszler.” Hermann tried to keep his voice steady and even as he met the eyes of the man he had expected to spend the last ten years with. There was so much in those eyes that didn’t belong to Newton just then though as the man started to laugh across from him. _…An object in motion stays in motion…_

                “He’s gone, Gottlieb. We’re the only ones here now. We told you he was too weak and yet you’re still clinging to this? You really are an insignificant little man, aren’t you?” Hermann blinked slowly, smoothing out his pant leg over his knee while the Precursors taunted him. _…with the same speed and in the same direction…_

                “We both know that’s not true. I would like to speak with Dr. Geiszler.” Hermann leveled a stare at Newton and the expression on the other man’s face darkened. He felt bit own pulse speed up slightly but he fought to maintain his composure to not give away that moment of fear. Newton’s hands should never have become something for him to fear. _…unless acted upon by an unbalanced force._

                “He’s dead. We mined him for what we needed and he broke beneath our weight. We are an immovable object, Dr. Gottlieb, and you are far from an unstoppable force. Unbalanced, perhaps, but not enough to cause us pause.” Hermann’s expression faltered and he sat up a bit straighter as Newton grinned at him. It was only a ghost of the drift, they would be able to guess what he was thinking with the last remaining thread of connection. It had grown weaker between Newton and him over the years though how much of that was natural versus the effects of him being forced to drift with the remnants of the kaiju brain they’d found in his apartment were unknown. _Alice._ How many times had Newton mentioned Alice to him? “You always were the duller of the two. It’s why we chose him.”

                Hermann surprised himself with the snort of derision at this comment. The room went silent for a moment while Hermann shook his head lightly. He had gotten a hold of himself again and would take more care from here on to keep his thoughts protected just in case.

                “Please, I will admit that Newton Geiszler is brilliant in his own way but to suggest that he is superior to me is laughable.”

                “Hey!” It had just enough raw offense in it that it made Hermann pause but he was getting a better handle on keeping it all from showing. It could have been a trick but it had felt like Newton. But then they started to laugh from his throat again and Hermann wasn’t certain anymore. “You can sit there and speak to the ghost of your former unrequited amour, Dr. Gottlieb. We will burn this world still, perhaps we will use to do so. You could join him.” That oddly dual voice ripped out of Newton’s throat, all pretense gone as a mix of smug fury played over his features. “Come and knock on our door…we’ll be waiting for you…” The words came out as a song that Hermann recognized as the theme to a show though he couldn’t place just what it was called. Music though, Newton had frequently communicated through music to him. Could it be a way to reach him now?

                His thoughts must have drawn out for too long as silence fell in the room again because he was startled back to the moment by the sudden violence of Newton pulling and pushing against his retrains. Hermann raised an eyebrow at him with a look of impatience at what almost appeared to be a tantrum.

                “Are you quite done?” Newton stilled to level his own look of hatred on him and that black hole opened up just a bit more near Hermann’s heart. “It interests me that you claim you took just what you needed from Dr. Geiszler and somehow the theme song for Three’s Company was valuable?” Newton’s head tilted to the side in a way that seemed far more animalistic than human.

                “Had to put on a show. Fooled you didn’t we? Did it hurt when you realized that he wasn’t staying for you? That he couldn’t get away from you quick enough? That wasn’t an act, not really. We didn’t have enough control in the beginning. All we had to do was let that distance grow once we had a foot hold. Oh, Hermann, hello. That’s great but really I’m far too busy right now. **Hermann, they’re in my head!** ” They were mocking him again. That was all it was. Newton hadn’t wanted to get away from him, not really. “Oh…have we struck a chord? Is truth a little too difficult for you to swallow with that delicate bruised throat, Dr. Gottlieb? If only we’d had a little while longer…”

                “Hermann?” Tendo’s voice was quiet and hushed in his ear as Hermann ducked his head at the realization there were tears in his eyes. “Hermann, my man, maybe it’s time to call it quits just for today.” Hermann was forced to wipe the tears from his cheeks as he tried to regain control. They had made no progress, he couldn’t leave until they had something. He couldn’t fall apart like this, not now with Newton’s captors seeing his broken heart laid out in front of them. He had to be strong for Newton, had to help him find his way to the surface and to fight against this.

                “Don’t….hang your head…in sorrow…and please…don’t cry…” The voice was more timid and strained. Quiet as he sung the words in a stilted manner though there was still the hint of the tune. Hermann lifted his head to look up at Newton again and saw tears in the man’s eyes and a pained expression on his face. “I know how you feel inside…I’ve been there before…Something’s changing inside you…and don’t you know…Don’t you cry tonight…I still love you baby….Don’t…” The words seemed to struggle more as Hermann fought back his own sob.

                “Newton?” Hermann watched as Newton’s expression twisted and some sort of struggle appeared to be taking place.

                “ _Newton_.” The tone was nasty and sarcastic as a laugh ripped out over the choked out words. “Newton…Newt-on, New-ton, Newton…” The words were more frantic and there was a hint of blood on Newton’s upper lip as his nose started to bleed. “So…fucking…pathetic!” Tendo was in his ear again telling him that they were done. That if he didn’t come out of the room now Tendo would come in and drag him out. Hermann dragged himself up trying to keep distance between himself and Newton who was laughing manically. “Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye! Don’t you take it so hard now! And please don’t take it so bad! I’ll still be thinking of you Hermann! Hermann!” The lyrics were screamed at him as he pushed through the door, Newton’s voice cutting out as the door closed and sealed behind him.

                Tendo was there holding onto him, leading Hermann to a chair and making him sit down as the sobs broke loose. Tendo kneeled down in front of him and hugged him tightly and as Hermann regained himself he realized he wasn’t the only one crying though Tendo had perhaps kept it together better than him. At least slightly. Tendo had pulled the headphones off his head but there was still the hint of Newton’s voice yelling distantly through them until he finally got up and muted the feed coming from the computer. Hermann sat there shaking and collapsing as Tendo sat himself looking lost for just a few seconds before he turned back to the computer and started ensuring everything was saved. Hermann forgot sometimes that Tendo’s job was to listen to those he cared about die and then be needed to carry on as though it hadn’t happened. How many pilots had Tendo heard the final words of?

                “We got nothing…”

                “Not true, my man. I think we got something,” Tendo countered which helped bring Hermann back around. He rolled his chair closer to the computers where Tendo was quickly pulling up saved analysis of the monitors. “Here…so, his heart rate is frighteningly erratic for the most part. I don’t know if it’s the stress or if it’s trying to match what their vital would show or what but its fast and it didn’t take much to send them off. But there, near the end, the singing. I thought they were fucking with you, to be honest Hermann, but…his heart beat slowed. It steadied out and it matched yours. I think that was Newt. I think he’s still there and I think that,” Tendo pointed towards the window where Newton was still throwing a fit shouting though he seemed to be wearing out as he strained against his bindings, “That is him fighting back.”

                The blood had run down Newton’s face, coating his lips and chin as his nose bled and Hermann approached the glass again. He tried this time, he tried to get them to hear him this time. _You won’t be able to contain him. Not with me here to help him._ Newton stilled inside the room as though he heard him and his head tilted again to the side as he stared at the glass. Hermann felt a shudder deep inside and he pulled away, shut it down again. They lingered, the two of them as they looked over the data. They would have to present it, convince everyone that they were right and that this was worth the risk. That continuing with this may mean getting Newton back.

                “Hermann, we could do this…but.” The computers were getting shut down. The report had been sent and a couple of hours had passed since he’d stepped out of the room. Newton was back to staring silently at the wall, blood dried and flaking on his face. Hermann ached to go wipe it clean, to tenderly tell him it would be all right. He knew the moment he stepped inside again that this quiet docile state would end though.

                “But what, Mr. Choi?” Tendo stepped up beside him and put an arm carefully around Hermann’s waist.

                “I’m worried about the vitals. It might be too much…he might win the fight against them mentally but his body may not be able to take the stress after this long. He may win the fight but lose the war, Hermann.” He took a deep shuddering breath as he leaned into Tendo’s side. Part of him knew this, had accepted it though having it said out loud stung. But still, looking in on Newton sitting in his disconnected state. Remembering the way the Precursors had twisted his words and his expressions.

                “If that happens then we will have at least tried. And he will at least be…free…”


	2. But You See It's Not Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann's nightmares have continued though they seem to be evolving in a way that unsettles him. Tendo and Hermann must convince the stand-in Secretary General of the plan now that he's arrived to the Shatterdome. Another attempt to speak with Newton has mixed results.

                Much of the day had been spent reporting their small findings and being briefed on what was happening within the rest of the PPDC. They were finding someone to temporarily take Ms. Mori’s place while she healed though Hermann hadn’t heard who had the best chance of stepping into that position. He had little hope that the new Secretary General would understand their desire to try and save Newton. Many of the young Rangers made it very clear what their thoughts on it all were. Jake and Nate were perhaps the only two who seemed to have some sympathy for Newton but they had also known him before. They understood enough to know that this wasn’t who he was.

                Hermann had gone to sleep with the day heavy on his mind. It felt like those last few days of the war all over again with him in a constant state of concern for Newton’s safety and the entire organization trying to pull itself together for a new assault. He still had no idea how they planned to do it, how they planned to get through to take on the Precursors on their side of the breach instead. Hermann knew at some point he’d need to start working on that particular problem but they would need to amass a large enough force to truly take on the Precursors and their kaiju.

                Hermann had been having nightmares for years so it wasn’t unusual for them to start up that night. He had almost expected them with everything that was going on with Newton and the proximity of the partial kaiju brain they had retrieved from the man’s apartment. He hadn’t brought himself to go and see that particular piece of evidence of his failures just yet.

                The dreams started in a similar way they always had, those muddled and frightening flashes of thought and memory from the drift. It degraded down into the flashes of claws ripping through metal, deep ocean floors and the burning light of the breach, the acidic blue blood of stitched together creatures with the many watchful eyes of the Precursors watching with whispered harsh voices and animalistic growls. This dream shifted though, jolting on a different track as those watchful eyes turned on him. Hermann watched as through the haze of ocean water something began to bloom in the distance in that bright bioluminescent blue. It was almost hypnotic as it unfurled before him in a flowered array as it reached for him. Hermann turned in his dream, started to try and run across the ocean floor as that sense of danger broke him out of the beauty of it.

                He ran in slow motion as the thing seemed to be ever reaching for him with those harsh whispers growing into the sound of crashing waves around him. The scenery jumped around him as he found himself moving across the ocean floor, then suddenly running through the field that had stood behind his childhood home, the city streets as something crashed and crumbled the buildings around him, hallways of shifting Shatterdomes and he finally came to a stumbling pained stop in the lab. It was dark and quiet, nearly empty as Hermann turned to find himself alone. The reaching flowering thing was no longer behind him and he was surrounded by the silence and the sickly green glow of the tanks that once held fractured pieces of monsters. In the center of it all was the tank that housed the partial remains of a kaiju brain, Newton’s handwriting was scrawled across the glass even here. _Alice_.

                There was a figure illuminated by that light in the center of the room a few feet above the floor. Hermann took a few tentative steps forward and there was the sound of a wire snapping, whipping off into the dark corners of the room as the figure jerked slightly. Hermann stopped where he was and looked up at the form of Newton hanging from wire and viscera that spread out in every direction. The man didn’t appear to be conscious and as Hermann took another step there was the sound of another wire snapping and with it the familiar sound of the whispers rising up around him. The blue light began to bloom behind Newton, illuminating him further to reveal his bloodied form as the unfurling flower lit up the lab and the rush of voices harsh and mocking filled with laughter and ghost of Newton’s voice as the many many eyes turned on him and watched and stared and there was the animalistic cries and a shuddering fluttering sound as something built energy in vibration and that blue light was suddenly blinding in a wave-

                Hermann sat up gasping for breath in the darkness of his room. He felt like vomiting, he felt like he had after the drift and many nights following it. He was slick with sweat and his head swam as he fumbled to find the light. He finally switched it on and looked around the room expecting there to be one of the staring blank faces of the Precursors staring back at him. He was alone though, everything in its place and the clock reading two-thirty in the morning. Hermann’s hands were shaking as he reached out to take hold of his cane. He slipped his legs off the side of the bed, sitting there and taking several deep breaths before standing. They were mocking him, they weren’t hiding themselves from him anymore and they were mocking him for his attempts to get to Newton. _Had that really been Newton?_ Is that the mental state they kept him in, tied and hanging in a battered state unable to stir even if he wished too? What about the wire that had snapped?

                Hermann knew he wouldn’t get more sleep and he had a tightness in his chest that spoke of anxiety and heartache. He pulled on a robe as he felt the need to _see_ him, to see Newton even if he knew that it wouldn’t be prudent for him to try and speak with him again on his own. If the previous morning had proven anything it was that it truly was best that Hermann have someone watching his back in the observation room.

                Years ago he wouldn’t have dreamed of stepping out of his rooms in his pajamas and a lounging robe. Now he had no reservations about it, especially at this time in the morning with where he was heading. Taking the time to get dressed felt like it would simply be a waste of time and that collapsing star inside of him wouldn’t have maintained balance long enough for him to do so before checking on Newton. The ride down the elevator was long and silent like the halls were around him. The shatterdome still slept with the exception of a few poor souls who roamed as he did.

                He couldn’t explain it as being relief at the sight of Newton continuing to sit in the chair on the other side of the glass. The observation room was dark, the computer screens even asleep as he entered but the room that kept Newton’s body wandering off with his mind was bright as ever. Newton still stared blankly forward and the tears were back running freely down his cheeks. No one had taken the care to come and clean him up as Hermann had requested upon feeling he couldn’t reenter the room himself. The blood stayed dried on his face, his eyes were darkly rimmed and blood shot. Hermann stared at him and didn’t make any attempt to hide his emotions here in the room alone. At least Hermann was capable of wiping his own tears away and he had to fight the impulse and walk into that room to do the same for Newton.

                He stood there watching for as long as he could until he didn’t think he could take it anymore. Hermann pulled himself reluctantly away from Newton at least feeling satisfied that there was no outward change to his appearance as though that would indicate that things had changed for the worse. He took a deep breath as he entered the elevator once more but only took it up a couple of floors to head down familiar halls. The old K-science labs weren’t used much anymore but they were being utilized at that point to house one specific specimen. When he entered the lab he wasn’t certain what he would feel. It neither looked like it had in his dreams or how it had stood ten years ago. There was one remaining chalkboard shoved off to the side against a wall, a blanket draped over it. They had moved them into more sophisticated spaces during the last few years and the place he once had consider home stood almost empty. Not entirely empty, however.

                The cursed thing had been brought in a few days ago once they’d been able to find a way to stabilize and move it from Newton’s apartment. Along with it had been the black market PONs device that Hermann suspected that Newton had built himself. This, of all things, was what gave him some hope. If they had needed to make Newton drift with this remnant of a mind to keep the connection strong enough to overtake him perhaps separating them would weaken their hold. It was also the entire basis for his theory that if he were to drift with Newton it may bring him back further into control. _Alice._

                The name was scrawled in Newton’s handwriting just as it had been in his dream. It was this chunk of dying brain that had helped wrap and grow the wired snare within Newton’s mind. Hermann wished he could smash it, break the glass and send all the fluid that helped keep the dissected piece of flesh from fading away. He couldn’t be certain of the ramifications of that action, however, couldn’t work out the equation of cause and effect clearly enough. What if destroying Alice somehow lead to destroying Newton as well while was still so tangled up in their grasp?

                The cup of coffee appeared in front of him, lowering down into his hands as the familiar footsteps came to a stop next to him. Hermann to the cup from Tendo with a hint of a smile managing to come to his lips. At least he was not completely alone in this. Tendo eyes the tank critically as he took a sip of his own coffee that was in a _World’s Hottest Dad_ mug that Hermann had no doubt had been a gift from his wife.

                “Kind of just wish we could smash it.” Tendo voiced the thought and Hermann gave a soft huff of a laugh.

                “Yes, I had a similar impulse. Perhaps someday…”

                “When we’ve got him back.” Tendo finished for him though his eyes stayed trained on the tank. Hermann noted that more specifically Tendo was staring at the name scrawled there on the side of it in red. “Why do you think he named it that?” Tendo’s shoulders were tense and there was a hint of anger running through his words.

                “In all fairness, Mr. Choi, Newton never did…does call Alison _Alice._ ” Hermann had wondered on that point as well. Newton had once been extremely close with Tendo and Alison; it had struck him as odd when he learned who Newton’s Alice truly was because surely it was the man who had given it the name.

                “A few months after he left, when he went ‘rouge’ as he liked to say, he called. Alison was the one that answered, he asked for me but I wasn’t home. She talked to him for a while, said he sounded manic. It had worried her a lot but he said he’d met someone new and that he was just excited to tell us about them. Her name was _Alice_ and wasn’t that just such a coincidence that her name was _Alice_ just like Alison.” Tendo took a deep breath followed by a long draw of coffee. “Maybe it was the best he could do. Emphasize how strange it was that they shared a name. I tried to call him back but he didn’t answer and after a while I just…gave up. I think you’re the only that didn’t ever give up…”

                “You can’t blame yourself, Tendo. Hind sight is twenty-twenty, in the moment there was no way for you to know that Alice was anything but a new companion. They were very successful at cutting his ties to those of us who may have noticed the change. If anyone failed it was myself. I had the best opportunity to notice how wrong it all was.” Tendo gave him a light look that chastised him for taking the blame himself. It was true though, Hermann had had the most access to Newton sporadic as it was. Tendo’s phone suddenly chimed in his pocket and Hermann became aware that he would likely need to return to his bunk to change if he wanted to appear decent before more people began to wake.

                “We need to be in the briefing room in half an hour. They decided on the stand in Secretary General late last night and they’re going to be here soon. May not want to present our case for Newton while wearing Saturn pajamas, my man.” Tendo gave him a once over as he typed out a quick response to the message he had received on his phone. Hermann flushed slightly but just narrowed his eyes at Tendo as the other cracked a smile.

                “I’m surprised they could all decide on a person so quickly.” Hermann felt a flutter of unease as he wondered what sort of fight he would have just to get back into the room with Newton to speak with him. Perhaps he should have gone in even alone before it was possible his chance would be taken away from him. “Do you know who it is?” Tendo shot him a wink as he tucked the phone back into his pocket.

                “Marshall Hansen has finally gotten the promotion he always said he’d never take.” Hermann wasn’t entirely certain he felt comforted with this news though Tendo seemed a bit more at ease as he patted Hermann on the shoulder. Hermann downed what remained of his coffee knowing he was likely going to need the energy for the meeting they were apparently due at soon.

 

 

                Hermann had changed as quickly as he was able to before heading up to the debriefing room. Tendo was waiting for him at the door and the two of them walked in to the find the room already full and apparently waiting on them. Jake Pentecost and Nate Lambert sat near the head of the table where Herc Hansen was standing looking tired and aged since Hermann had last seen him. The end of the war had not been so kind to him. The younger pilots were there as well, sitting uncomfortably and still under the gaze of the Marshall turned temporary Secretary General. Near the far wall stood the figure of Raleigh Beckett though he seemed to be doing his best to not be noticed.

                “Dr. Gottlieb, Mr. Choi we’ve been waiting for you. Are you prepared to present your case in regards to Dr. Geiszler?” Herc gave them enough time to situation themselves, Tendo sitting down at the command of the computer station so he could pull up the information onto the hologram that appeared in the center of the table.

                “I don’t understand why we’re doing this. The guy should just be locked away-“

                “Or better yet killed.” Two of the young pilots, Rangers Namani and Viktoria if he wasn’t mistaken, spoke up a bit rashly and Herc sighed as he leveled a stern look at them both. Hermann felt that tightening hand of fear on his heart. It wasn’t an unpopular opinion that Newton should be disposed of. He sincerely hoped that the years spent in his company had at least somewhat endeared Newton upon Hercules Hansen.

                “Rangers, I expect respect and silence during this briefing or I will expect you to leave.” Herc turned to give Tendo a nod to proceed but it appeared that wasn’t good enough for the rash young group. Hermann had long been critical of the choice to put literal children in these positions.

                “Respect for what? Respect for the asshole who’s literally responsible for everything that just happened? He’s the fucking reason Suresh is dead!” The anger was hot and quick from the young woman but it did little to melt the steeled gaze of the Secretary General. Several of the other young pilots started to speak up in agreement over each other in a verbal onslaught. Hermann felt Tendo’s presence at his side as they waited for order to be restored as Herc watched the two of them from across the room. Hermann honestly had no idea what the man was thinking at that point.

                “Rangers! You will quiet down and show respect in front of your commanding officers!” Ranger Lambert had stood and barked the order which was enough to quiet the others down. Pentecost had remained seating but he looked between them all with a shake of his head.

                “You all shut up and let them talk, ya? You’re not here for your opinions you’re here to understand, right?” The younger rangers with the exception of Namani all settled back in their seats looking chastised. The young woman didn’t seem satisfied though as she stood from her seat.

                “How can you both just be cool with this?”

                “Those things, the things that are controlling Dr. Geiszler, killed my wife. Killed my son. But I’m not about to lie those sins down at the feet of that man,” Herc said evenly though there was a hidden bitterness in his voice that betrayed his emotions. Namani had a stubborn set to her jaw as she stared down Hansen and opened her mouth to speak again despite Jake Pentecost giving her a shake of his head telling her not to.

                “Do you know who Dr. Geiszler is, Ranger?” Raleigh Beckett spoke for the first time as he stepped forward. He gave Nate Lambert a familiar nod though trained his eyes back on Namani as he waited for an answer. She stood for a few moments looking put on the spot but even Jake wasn’t stepping in to help her on this one.

                “He was part of the K-science div-“

                “Dr. Newton Geiszler is a hero. A hero who risked his life, not once, but twice doing something that no one else in their right mind would do aside from Dr. Gottlieb here, of course. He risked himself to drift _with_ the Kaiju to gain valuable intel that allowed us to end the war. He’s a solider just like you or I. Do we leave Soldiers behind, Ranger Namani?” The young woman suddenly looked far less sure of herself under Beckett’s and Hansen’s steady gazes. Raleigh Beckett spoke in the soft confident drawl still; a quiet but commanding presence in the room.

                “I believed the Marshal asked you a question, Ranger.” Nate raised a brow at his young cadet, already a Ranger only out of necessity.

                “No sir.” She answered in a short terse tone but Raleigh nodded his head at the response. She huffed back down in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest as she glared up at the images hovering on the computer screen.

                “Please proceed.” Herc nodded at them again after a few short moments as Raleigh Beckett retreated back towards the wall and the Rangers all settled into their seats again with more order amongst them.

                “Right, well, as you know Dr. Geiszler is under the influence of the Precursors. We are not clear on how long this has been occurring but we can be certain it’s been over the course of several years given the tech they’ve used him to create,” Hermann barreled into it. He did so because it was the only way he could be certain he wasn’t going to lose his nerve or his hope. His voice wasn’t steady at first but it grew stronger as he spoke with input from Tendo about what they felt they had discovered the day before during the brief interview.

                “Do you think he can get control back, Dr. Gottlieb?” Herc had listened intently without interrupting and it appeared no one else in the room felt like speaking up and getting chastised again. Raleigh had even come back to the table to study the data and information more closely with his arms crossed over his chest.

                “I do. I believe it with all my heart that Dr. Geiszler is still inside there and that he could regain control if given the right tools to do so.” Tendo was a steady presence near him but the man was letting him take the lead at the moment. Hermann couldn’t risk faltering in his conviction of this point, not when it all rested on them allowing his plan to continue forward.

                “What tools are those exactly?” Raleigh spoke in a hushed tone, his eyes dipping down to meet Tendo’s. They had been close once, perhaps they still were though Hermann wasn’t certain. A lot of friendships had drifted after the war as each person dealt with their own ghosts.

                “I hope that once we gain enough insight that I will be able to drift with Dr. Geiszler. They only established such a strong link with him to take control due to the continued drifting with the section of Kaiju brain found in Dr. Geiszler’s apartment. Those drifts will obviously no longer be occurring and therefore the connection may weaken. With the right combination of memories and threads to who Newton is I may be able help draw him out and back into control.”

                “You can’t be serious…” Namani hissed the words out from under her breath, earning her a reprimanding look from Lambert.

                “No, yeah, I kind of agree with her on this one, Doc. That sounds like the worse plan. What if instead of you getting to him, they get to you? Then we have two of ya running around,” Jake spoke up with a shake of his head as he pointed at Hermann. “I only knew the two of you for a short amount of time, and it’s shit that this has happened, mate, it really is. But I can’t see this ending well.” Hermann kept his shoulders squared, his back straight even as he felt the collapse of it all triggering in his chest.

                “It’s the best chance we have to get him back, Secretary General. Seal the leak of information, get back an irreplaceable asset and friend. I’ll always be watching Dr. Gottlieb’s back, if anything seems like it’s going south I’ll pull him out. If I can’t pull him out…” Tendo trailed off for a second seeming to swallow roughly around his own emotions. “If I can’t pull him out for some reason then I’ll make sure that it remains contained.”

                Herc had leaned forwards, hands resting on the table as he stood with his head bowed. Hermann said his first prayer in years as he waited for the man to weight the options. It was true, this was perhaps the worse plan he could have, but it was the _only_ acceptable plan in his mind. Raleigh was watching him with a look that almost felt like pity or concern but Hermann only had eyes at that moment for Herc. He was the one that would determine it all.

                “I will be the one that gives approval for the eventual drift to occur. You will not attempt it without my approval and I will be present when it occurs unless there is some other critical item that demands my attention more at the time. Marshal Beckett and I will be joining you today for one of these recon sessions to see for myself if I feel there are any hints that Dr. Geiszler is fighting back for control. No one in this room speaks about this to anyone, especially anyone outside of the PPDC. If I catch wind that any of you let’s this slip I will drop you from the program faster than a sack of Kaiju shit. You are all dismissed.” Lambert and Pentecost both got up from the table to escort the rest of the Rangers out.

                “This is fucking bullshit.” Hermann heard the complaint as Namani walked past and some of the other younger rangers muttered in agreement though none of them seemed as willing to vocalize their discontent any louder. Hermann couldn’t blame them, they had lost a friend and their childhood because of all of this. Most of them had lost family during the war as well. To them it likely did seem like a slap in the face to be trying to metaphorically poke the badger rather than just dispose of it.

                “No hard feelings, ya?” Jake Pentecost came him a light punch on the arm as he passed being trailed by his partner who gave Hermann an exasperated look as it left the four of them alone in the room. Four people who had once fought alongside each other; four people who knew best what Newton had sacrificed for them all.

 

 

                The four of them all being in the observation room made it feel far more crowded than it had before. Herc and Raleigh both were standing at the window staring in at Newton who was doing his part in staring blankly ahead at the wall. The tears were gone though there were telltale signs of them still as well as the damned dried blood. Hermann was determined to ream someone about that, that they still hadn’t taking the care to clean him up which made him immensely worried they hadn’t brought him food either.

                “Hermann, my man, in their defense I think a lot of them a scared,” Tendo said with a sigh as he placed the small microphone in his ear for him. The sensors and pads were already in place and a stream of data was feeding into Tendo’s computers. Hermann felt a moment of shame but really, the man was restrained and all it would take was a few second of courtesy to ensure they weren’t aiding his deterioration further. It wasn’t as though he expected them to each have long talks with Newton or the things currently controlling him. “Ready.”

                “Yes, as ready as I am bound to ever be,” Hermann said with a curt nod of his head. Herc turned to look at him as Hermann stepped towards the door, arms crossed over his chest and an unreadable expression on his face.

                “You say they’ll take over the moment you’re in there?”

                “Yes, if there is a delay it is infinitesimal. They appear to be ever aware despite his current state.” Herc nodded, eyeing him for a second in a way that seemed as though he was trying to size up whether Hermann was really up to the task. Hermann squared his shoulders again with some ancient desire to pass muster. Herc just gave him a nod before looking forward through the glass and Hermann opened the door.

                It was true. The second he stepped inside Newton’s eyes filled with presence that was quick and sharp. Before moving to his chair Hermann stepped up to him with a frown to counter the other’s wide grin and he used his handkerchief to wipe away the dried blood the best he could. Newton’s teeth snapped at him though there seemed to be no real intent on catching his fingers as he gave a harsh laugh when Hermann pulled back quickly. Hermann needed this to go well with both Hercules and Raleigh there to observe. He needed them to _see_ it was possible.

                “Dr. Gottlieb, how are you? Did you sleep well? No bad dreams we hope.” They had waited until he was about to sit down to speak and Hermann paused with a hand on the back of the chair. He sat down quickly not wanting to give away the sudden chill that was icing over his heart. So they had been actively reaching out for him…actively mocking him in his sleep. _Or you told them you were still having nightmares about them._ But didn’t that also mean that Newton was somewhere in there, bound up and silent for certain, but still there? _Or unreachable as his last supports failed._

                “I would like to speak with Dr. Geiszler.” Hermann knew he needed to clear his mind of it all. There was still the risk that his thoughts could leak through to them and even if they weren’t he didn’t need them to believe he was so easily thrown off. After a discussion with Tendo they had agreed he’d start the same way today as yesterday. It seemed the easiest way was just to jump in and that harsh laugh met him in return. Hermann could have sworn he heard the snap of a breaking wire somewhere in the back of his mind.

                “Do you want to know how many times he tried to call you? Or text you? Or even scream across the void at you?” Hermann kept his mask on, kept it locked down inside of himself, despite the fact that he ached to know. It pained him greatly to think that Newton had wanted to reach out to him but had been stopped.  “We swallowed him up like a ship lost at sea.” That vocal overlay returned as they all but hummed the words at him.  

                “Then I will serve as his lighthouse upon the shore guiding him home safely,” Hermann said as flatly as he could muster. “Now, I wish to speak with Dr. Geiszler.”

                “We’d like to wrap his hands around your throat again but we don’t all get what we want. You can’t always get what you want.” They sang the last part at him though he noticed it this time. They used his voice, they had the memory of how the tunes should go but there was just enough of something off when it was them. It wasn’t just the dark grin and the mocking tone that was far harsher than Newton had ever used with him. You could ignore those factors and you’d be left with the fact that there was a hitch in their rhythm. Newton, for all his clumsy flailing limbs, had always had an impeccable sense of beat and tempo. Hermann kept his gaze leveled at Newton, watching them as their mirth seemed to die out and the look on Newton’s face turned intense. “Even if there was any hope of you getting us out of his head, Gottlieb, you realize all you will be left with is a hollow shell. You could let us remain, we could come to an agreement. You may find that we…can put on a rather believable simulation of your Dr. Geiszler.”

                Newton’s head tilted in the curious way again as he started at Hermann for a long second to see if he would take the bait. It seemed then as though a switch had been suddenly flipped inside of Newton and he suddenly looking wide-eyed and confused. Hermann shifted in his seat as Newton looked around at his surroundings until his eyes landed on Hermann sitting primly across from him. He looked frightened and utterly lost as tears pricked in his eyes and Hermann had to hold himself back as he waited for some form of confirmation from Tendo. Surely they wouldn’t just hand control over to him and it was too immediate of a switch for Hermann to believe it could be Newton wrestling control back from them especially given their words.

                “It’s not him, Hermann.” Tendo’s voice came through soft and quiet. “At least, if we’re right about the vital sign indicators it’s not.”  Hermann heard another wire snap somewhere in the vicinity of his soul as he just stared at them trying to put on a convincing act.

                “Hermann? Oh God, Hermann. I don’t…I don’t think I have long but they’re in my head. Hermann, they’re in my head and I think they’re planning something….what’s going on? Where are we? Hermann why aren’t you saying anything?” Hermann swallowed roughly against the lump that had formed in his throat. It was…passable, if he hadn’t known that this was likely their play acting, he likely would have believed it. They had something else in their court in that they didn’t seem to realize that they had a biological tells.

                “Maybe play along?” Tendo’s suggestion came through hesitantly but Hermann had reached the same conclusion as well. If they didn’t know they had a tell, they were trying to hurt him with this act and perhaps if he played along they’d get caught up in the charade. Let something slip. Or let their control truly slip so that Newton could come through.

                “Is it really you, Newton?” Hermann let some of that hesitant hope leak through in his voice. He could play this game as well. Tendo would tell him if there was a change, if there was a switch to it truly being Newton in control.

                “It’s me, Hermann. What’s going on? Why am I cuffed to the chair? What did I do?” Newton seemed to grow more panicked pulling at his bindings and then stopping as his head snapped up to look at him. “What did I do, Hermann? I…Oh…oh no, no no no…I didn’t. What did they make me do, Hermann?” It sounded real, it hurt deep in his bones to hear that panic and to know that Newton _would_ be horrified with what they had made him do. Tendo was in his ear though, assuring him that the signs all pointed to this still being _them._ Hermann hated the fact that he felt less certain as he stood to approach. He hesitated before carefully leaning his cane against the side of the chair and placing his hands on the sides of Newton’s face. He brushed away the tears that were clinging to his lashes with care while searching the man’s eyes for some sign.

                “It was not you, Dr. Geiszler. They are the ones who did those things, you are not to blame.” Hermann spoke truthfully and with conviction as he hoped his words would reach the actual Newton somehow. The man leaned into his touch, nuzzled against his hand lightly and then skimmed his lips against Hermann’s palm. When Newton looked up at him though the look had turned amused and Hermann pulled away.  

                “Is it a deal then? You can have the simulation of him and we can…have freedom. We could spare some of your kind. Some of you may prove useful, we’ve learn much from your species.” He felt momentarily foolish because there had been a glimmer of hope that Newton was there despite all the signs stating otherwise. He didn’t return to his chair though but stood there considering Newton’s form sitting there. He was thinner than he used to be, he had noticed that over the years that Newton had slimmed down. Sitting there in the chair it looked less healthy and fit now than the well-tailored suits had let on. “Come on, Gottlieb. I’m sure we could even get him hard for you.” Newton made a jerk as though he was going to thrust his hips towards him though the restraints kept him from doing so. “Oh Hermann…yes…oh god…”

                The rage had hit Hermann hard from within as they made an indecent facsimile of different time between Newton and him. He felt like he’d been punched in the gut even as he slapped the man hard across the face. The room fell silent and Hermann’s thoughts caught up with the action as he stumbled away from the chair feeling a horrible guilt crushing into his chest. Tendo was saying something in his ear but Hermann couldn’t process it just then. He shouldn’t have lashed out like that, couldn’t. It was still Newton he’d end up hurting, not them. The truth of that was clear in the way the harsh dual toned laugh was dragging itself out of the other man in a way that spoke of real mirth on their part.

                “You believe yourself to be very clever, don’t you? That we are so simple to toy with and manipulate like puppets. If it was truly so simple for you, you wouldn’t have needed to pull him away from those who loved him. You wouldn’t have needed to isolate him and hook his brain up to the remains of one of your cobbled together creations to maintain that control. I will get him free of your grasps if I must come for you myself.” Hermann could feel the ice in his words, it almost seemed like it crept up and frosted over inside of him. It infuriated him to think that they would possibly have believed for a second he’d agree to the violation to Newton’s body in return of some sick game of make believe.

                “Oh…you don’t have to go far, Gottlieb. We’re already in your head…in your head…zombie, zomb-“ Newton suddenly seemed to choke on his words and growl boiled up from his chest. Hermann grabbed his cane quickly before he took a tentative step back. He was uncertain if he should expect the violent rage that had occurred the day before. It _had_ been them talking to him in those moments, he was sure of it, which meant that perhaps it was Newton who had choked back the words. There seemed to be a momentary struggle playing out on Newton’s face and Hermann was hoping he’d find his partner would come out on top.

                “Are you all right, Hermann?” Tendo’s voice finally broke through to him and Hermann recalled that the Marshals were both watching. The irritation and fear in the man’s voice gave away the fact that he’d likely been trying to get Hermann to respond for some time now. This was likely a spectacular failure in their eyes. Hermann gave a short nod, turning his head slightly towards the window so that Mr. Choi would know he’d regained his composure. Newton was still making choked noises as his back ached like he was trying to pull himself free of the restraints by sheer bodily force. _The wires were snapping_ …

                “Eud…yte.” Hermann frowned at the word that seemed forced out and broken in a way that made it hard to understand. “Her…mmms.” Newton seemed to be trying to say more but speaking the words seemed too difficult. When he looked at him though Hermann could see it, he could see this _was_ Newton through all the struggle.  

                “Darling?” The word left Hermann’s throat hot and raw and the silence on Tendo’s end was hardly comforting. Newton’s eyes seemed to light up though and Hermann took a step towards the chair but was suddenly stopped by a hand on his chest. He hadn’t even realized the door had opened behind him and he expected to find Tendo besides him. It was Raleigh Beckett though, carefully stopping him from approaching Newton any further.

                “Tendo says it’s too much. We’re done for today, Dr. Gottlieb.” Hermann shook his head, he couldn’t leave, not now when Newton seemed so close to the surface. Even as he watched though the man’s face twisted, that emotion closed down to be replaced with barely contained rage.

                “Marshal Raleigh Beckett…so sorry for your loss…Mako Mori, your brother…we watched them both. He was torn out of your reach and she came crashing down…” Newton made a whistle sound like a missile falling to earth. It was another point in their court as they clearly didn’t realize that Mako Mori had survived their attack, still believed that she had perished. Hermann felt Raleigh’s insistence that they leave the room become a bit more violent and rough as he shoved Hermann through the door. Herc caught him before he could stumble as the Marshal closed the door a bit violently to shut out Newton’s taunts.

                “Was that normal?” Raleigh turned on him as Herc held get Hermann straightened back out. Tendo stepped between them though Hermann knew well enough that Marshal Beckett had the restraint not to lash out at him. Hermann had once thought he had that restraint as well though he could still feel the slight sting of his hand from when he’d hit Newton.

                “It’s only the second time we’ve done this, my man. It does seem like when Newton pushes back things get a bit intense though,” Tendo said with a sigh. He looked flustered and worried as he moved to Hermann’s side, straightening his collar for him as Hermann tried to grasp the words Newton had been trying to say.

                “Was that him at the end?” Hermann gently knocked Tendo’s fussing hands aside to move over to the computer. Herc had yet to contribute as he stared out through the window to where Newton was pulling at his bindings and appeared to be talking to himself now. The concern that was evident on Herc Hansen’s face made Hermann worry more than anything else. Herc was the one who could take all chance away from him and this had been a spectacle.

                “I’m not sure. I think so but it was hard to get a good reading. It got a bit…if that’s the way it’s going to be each time it’s going to take a toll on him, Hermann.” Tendo pulled up the charts and Hermann could immediately see what he meant. Everything from Newton’s EKG to his EEG were frighteningly varied over the last few minutes. They had evened out slightly though, far from normal levels but a calming amongst the storm before what passed as normal for Newton when the Precursors were in control resumed. Herc was suddenly there as he leaned between them to switch over to the audio file that had filtered in the conversation in the room. Tendo had apparently muted the recording audio from coming through the speakers when Raleigh had burst into the room but Herc turned it on now as Newton’s voice came through live once more. .

                “We will burn it all…we will drown this world in fire and ash…” Hermann reached to turn it back off but Herc stopped him by carefully grabbing his wrist. “Not if they drown you first, you bugged eyed jerks…” Hermann pulled sharply away from the computer to turn to the window where Newton was still struggling against his binds. It had been there for just a second, he was already lost again in the harsh mocking tones of the Precursors who were reeling it all back in again as he watched. They were taking the controls, shutting down the outputs and locking him back into that place in the back of his mind that seemed so far and unreachable. But Newton _had_ been there.

                “What was he saying before they came back?” Hermann frowned trying to cling to the half heard words that Newton had managed to mumble out in those moments. If he hadn’t been dragged out of the room he might have been able to catch what Newton had been trying to get across and he gave Raleigh Beckett a scathing look despite the man paying him no attention.

                “Eudialyte.” Raleigh pulled away from the window where he’d been observing Newton as he said the word. Yes, that had been it. Hermann realized that Herc was looking to him for a further explanation on what it meant.

                “It is one of the rare earth minerals that reacts rather violently to the Kaiju’s blood. I already knew that, though, from our experimentation to use it as fuel for the Jaeger’s jet propulsion. I don’t know why he would be trying to get that across when it’s already known. I even showed him my work on it before…well, before we realized Newton wasn’t the one I was speaking with.”

                “It may not have been as much of an act as it seemed when they played him as being ignorant to what he’s done.” Raleigh spoke up as Tendo turned the volume on the recording back down so background levels again as the Precursors seemed to have regained complete control in the room and Newton fell into the silent staring state. “He’s not going to be able to handle much of those levels. This is going to take time and care to get through to him but it obviously possible at this point. We have to be careful not to kill him on accident though which means we take small steps in how far we push.”

                “Choi, if I’m not mistaken those readings look similar to some of the overloaded trials from the beginning of the Jaeger program.” Herc pointed at the screen, at the mess that had been Newton’s vital functions moments ago. Tendo gave a weary sigh as he hovered close to Hermann and started to pull the monitors and microphone off of him.

                “It does. He’s at high levels almost constantly when they’re in control but when they seem to be fighting for who’s in the driver’s seat it looks almost exactly like the early trials. I think to really regain control here would be too much for Newton on his own which supports Hermann’s theory that drifting with him may help ease the load.” Tendo was studying Hermann closely as he spoke with a troubled look which made Hermann wonder just what the man had read in Hermann’s own vitals on those screens.

                “Then that’s what we work towards. But we only take that risk once we feel we’re prepared. You don’t know what you’ll be met with in there and we can’t be certain that this isn’t exactly what they want. You’re willing to risk getting snared by them for this, Dr. Gottlieb?” Herc motioned towards the room, the concern Hermann had seen earlier replaced by that steady and unreadable expression once more. Hermann nodded a bit numbly as he turned to look back at Newton.

                “Yes. To be completely honest, Marshal…Secretary General, I would walk straight into the breach itself if it meant having a chance to bring Dr. Geiszler home.” Herc stared at him for a long moment as Tendo busied himself with saving the data and closing down the computers. Hermann held his gaze in an attempt to impress the strength of his conviction upon the man. Raleigh Beckett’s hand came down on his shoulder as the man moved past to leave the room.

                “Then we’ll give it another try tomorrow.” The younger Marshal walked out then and after a moment longer Herc gave him a nod of his head. Hansen’s expression had softened just a little before he turned to leave as well.

                “We’ll have someone come in and bring him food tonight. If he’s going to fight, he’ll need his strength.” Hermann sighed as he sunk down into one of the chairs feeling the weight of it all settle on him now. There was relief in there too though, they weren’t completely shutting his attempts down. In fact they seemed more than willing to move forward with it all. It took Hermann for a few moments to realize that Tendo was very pointedly not looking at him and Hermann sat forward to touch the man’s arm as the last computer shut down.

                “I thought we had an agreement, Hermann, that when I said we were done you would get your ass out of there.” Tendo pulled away and sat down a few feet away from Hermann with the space between them like a chasm. “It was like you weren’t even hearing me.”

                “I apologize, Tendo…I…it is very easy to lose track of everything else when I’m in there. My focus is on Newton and today I fear I lost track of the fact that you are my guide to his inner workings. I…lost my composure entirely.” Tendo shook his head lightly as he leaned back in his chair, long legs sprawled out in front of him. “I will do better, Mr. Choi. I promise, I will pay better attention, keep a better handle on my own emotions and remain focused.” The silence stretched between them and Hermann pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt the hints of a headache starting. He hoped it was simply fatigue and stress.

                “I think we need to try a different approach tomorrow. Maybe see if we’re right about the music thing or not. They clearly tried to use it against us today though it backfired on them,” Tendo said though there was still a terseness to his voice that stated he wasn’t forgiving Hermann completely. “Do you still have some of Newt’s old music lying around?” Tendo stood up from his chair and offered a hand to Hermann to help him stand as well. Hermann took one last glance towards Newton before they started towards the door.

                “Yes, I believe I do, Mr. Choi.”

 


	3. In the Company of Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann finds a troubling letter from the past that he feels reveals just how hard he failed his partner. He, in turn, uses a letter from the past to try and reach Newton as they try once more to find something for the man to cling to.

                The dreams had come again that night, more vivid and crashing. It left Hermann once more awake in the early hours though he had a task now, at least. He had a couple of boxes of things that Newton had left behind when he’d suddenly departed all those years ago. There had been a time that Hermann had tried to convince himself he just needed to get rid of it all. He couldn’t deny there had been a part of him that had been bitter towards Newton for his sudden departure. Despite it all he hadn’t been able to get rid of his feelings for the man any more than he had been able to get rid of Newton’s things.

                He carefully pulled them out now to dig down through the Godzilla memorabilia, rock concert t-shirts and notebooks full of scrawled notes and doodles to find the old phone that hadn’t been charged in almost a decade but should still contain an alarming amount of Newton’s music. Hermann was almost terrified that he’d be locked out of it simply by the fact that there was no cord compatible with it to charge the device left but even this he managed to dig out of the bottom of the second box. Hermann plugged it in with bated breath and was relieved to see the light switch on that it was, in fact, charging even with the age of the battery inside. He’d let it charge and then get the music transferred over to his laptop so that it would be stored in a more reliable form.

                He started to pack the boxes up again but lingered over the items. The shirts had lost any remaining hint of Newton’s detergent long ago but holding them each for a few seconds felt like having a small part of who the man had been back. In the end, Hermann folded the shirts carefully besides him on the floor. He wasn’t certain if something of the sort would help but they needed to find the right combinations of triggered memories to help bring Newton to the surface. The old shirts, some with signatures scrawled across the front or back of them, would likely hold at least a few pleasant memories for the man.

                Hermann picked up one of the notebooks next. They were all rather old and mainly filled with scrawls in relationship to Newton’s work during the war. He had gone through some of them once but had found it difficult to look at the familiar scribblings of a man who had left with few words or explanations. He sighed as he went through them now; a smile touched his lips at the scribbled and terrible drawing presenting what he was almost certain was meant to be the two of them arguing in the lab. He leafed through a few more pages hoping to find more of the doodles when a folded piece of paper dropped from somewhere in the depths of the notebook. The page had been torn out of some other notepad as it didn’t match the color and pattern of the paper in the notebook it had come tumbling out of. It also had the appearance of having been folded and unfolded several times by nervous hands, creases deep and worn as Hermann hesitantly picked it up. He took care to unfurl the page as he was both frightened of what it may contain and that it may fall apart.

                _May 23 rd2025 – Found myself in the laboratory in the middle of the night. Can’t remember how I got there. Maybe I’ve started sleep walking since I’ve not been able to sleep well. My cycles are all off. _

_June 18 th 2025 – I’ve continued to sleep walk every now and then but today I swear I was awake but I found myself down by the old kaiju samples and I don’t remember getting down there. I asked Hermann if he’d been sleep walking but he said no. I could tell he was worried so I said I was going to go talk with the medics about it. _

_August 10 th 2025 – Half the day has passed and I can’t remember where I was or what I was doing. Woke up (?) at the beach around 1 o’clock. Did I ever go talk to the medics? I need to remember to do that…_

_October 1 st – Something’s wrong….something’s wrong…I can’t tell Hermann. Like, I tried but the words got choked up in my throat and then I did that wake up thing again where I wasn’t where I had been and like three hours had passed. Hermann’s mad, I don’t know what I did. I was down in the basement with the Kaiju specimens again…my nose was bleeding and oh god…_

_There’s a BRaIn sECtion_ _down_ _there…_

_November 30 th – Woke up in the office of Shao Industries being offered a job. I didn’t know what was going on but I just heard myself accept it like this wasn’t some fucking fever dream…I….I don’t think it was me talking… **HE tried to TelL GottLiEB aGAIN…**_

_I_ _tried_ _to_ _tell_ _Hermann…_

_December 2 nd – I hope you find this. It’s getting harder to-_

                Newton’s handwriting grew erratic in places, pressed hard into the page as though he had to great pains to write them out. The last date didn’t just stop but the pen appeared to have been dragged down the page almost violently. Hermann’s hands shook as he stared feeling the tears well up even as the rage grew hot and furious in his chest. It had been here all this time, Newton had used whatever control he had left to leave this for him and he hadn’t found it until it was far too late. He could even recall the argument from that October all those years ago. It had been vicious and Hermann had no idea where it had come from. That link between them from the drift had felt strained and distant for months and Hermann wasn’t certain if it was the natural fade of the ghost drift between them or if Newton was shutting him out on purpose. He’d tried to talk to Newton who had gone from quiet and upset seeming to a fury full of biting, scathing words that had cut deep and left them not talking for several days.

                The signs had all been there and Hermann hadn’t been able to recognize them. He forced himself to set the page down unharmed though the anger inside of him wanted to inflict some form of damage on it. All this time if he had only taken the care to go through Newton’s things, to try to find some clue why the man left; left him, left the PPDC and left almost every friendship he’d known behind. All this time and Newton had left the answer behind with the faith that Hermann would find it.

                Hermann set the notebook with the loose page of paper on the stack of t-shirts. He would take it all down with him that day to show Tendo. He would bare his failure to the world if it meant that they would have a better understanding of it all. They clearly had been able to exert some control over Newton even before they started to make him drift with the remaining segment of kaiju brain. The fact that they had gotten to him through his sleep did not escape Hermann as the shadow of his own nightmares danced in the back of his mind.

                Hermann left it all lying there as he stepped back out into the quiet halls of the Shatterdome. He needed some tea or at least he needed the familiar ritual of making tea. He entered the back kitchens that were dimly lit with only the emergency lights that stayed on at all times. He had tea in his own bunk but remaining in the room with the damning evidence of his personal failures felt like too much. Instead he dug through the cabinets until he found a box of tea bags that were likely a bit past their prime but they’d have to do. He had the kettle heating up on the stove and was leaning back against the countertops with his eyes closed as he went over the note in his mind trying to connect the dates to memories. He could recall the argument and, of course, the day that Newton left without as much as a goodbye. Just another note written in a clear careful hand saying that he was moving on to better things. It had become clear that Hermann was one of the inferior things that had been left behind.

                Hermann could think back to a millions different times that he hadn’t managed to realize how terrible things had gotten past that first year after the breach had been closed as well. A few awkward phone calls from Newton where the man had seemed to want to say more but instead simply talked about all the great things he was doing at his new job. The first time he’d told Hermann about Alice and how he really should come over and meet. Random encounters where the PPDC had crossed over with Shao Industries where Newton never outright said that he could avoid Hermann but the lack of eye contact and the quick dismissals had said enough. So many missed opportunities…

                “That kettle doesn’t whistle, you know. You’re likely to boil it empty at this rate, Doc.” Hermann startled at the voice as he opened his eyes. The kettle was indeed steaming at an alarming rate and Hermann grabbed it off the burner with care as Jake Pentecost moved to the fridge. Hermann would have felt embarrassed for being caught in his pajamas if it wasn’t for the fact that the younger Pentecost was wearing a similar attire.

                “Ah, thank you Ranger, I’m afraid my mind had wandered.” Hermann had to clear his throat before he spoke to clear away the emotions that had settled there. Jake was watching him as he pulled the fridge door open but momentarily disappeared as he dug through the food inside it. Hermann sighed as he poured the water into his cup knowing it would be far too hot to properly brew the imitation of English tea that was in the tea bag that floated lazily to the top. He set the kettle aside and ensured the burner was turned off as he heard the fridge door shut. He carefully dipped the tea bag a couple of times to get it saturated before he turned in hopes of finding some cream that didn’t come in powdered form. Instead he found Jake Pentecost standing there and studying him with a plate of cake that clearly had a note insisting it be saved for someone who’s name was not Jake Pentecost. “If you don’t mind I would like to see if there is any cream. And I don’t believe that’s yours-“

                “Heard your Dr. Geiszler made quite the impression on some of the techs last night. Something about taking food to a possessed man seems to put them off for some reason.” Hermann felt the twinge of anger pull at him as he fought the weight that had settled in his frame to pull himself up straight as he gave Jake a scathing look. The boy truly was not his father. “They all told the Marshals that they refuse to go in there again.”

                “Dr. Geiszler may not be himself but his wellbeing should still be considered. This includes ensuring that he is being fed.” Hermann could keep the frustration from his voice, not with everything else that had been going on.

                “Don’t go getting your panties in a twist, doc. They have every right to be weary to enter that room and besides…I already took care of it. Bloody things don’t seem all that concerned with is wellbeing themselves but they apparently haven’t gotten to the point they’re willing to starve their puppet boy to death yet.” Jake used his foot to pull the fridge door back open and nodded towards it. Hermann stood in place staring at the man with utter confusion and a bit more guilt settling over the backlog that had already been tallied against him. “Thought you were going to get some cream, ya?”

                “Right…” Hermann stepped forward feeling his cheeks hot with embarrassment as he glanced through the fridge and found a container of cream. At least some things were working in his favor and he pulled it out of the fridge as he finally settled on how to address the information Ranger Pentecost had just given him. “It escapes me why you-“

                “Don’t believe that’s yours, Dr. Gottlieb.” Hermann narrowed his eyes at Jake as he mirrored his words back at him. The young man kicked the fridge door closed again as he gave him a cheeky grin while happily taking a bite of his stolen cake. “Won’t tell if you don’t.” Hermann hesitated as he looked down at the cream in his hand and realized there was someone’s name written on the carton. He thought of putting it back but chose instead to turn and carefully pour the cream into the mug. If he’d had a true tea pot he’d have poured the tea into the cream instead but he had been making due with the tools provided to him for over a decade now. He took those seconds to steady his thoughts back on the most pressing matter before he turned back to Jake.

                “I don’t know why you would take it upon yourself to make certain Dr. Geiszler had gotten some food but I appreciate the gesture. I will from now on make the arrangement for some food to be prepared so that I may take it in to him.” Hermann opened the fridge door one last time to place the pilfered container of cream back in its spot and hoped its owner wouldn’t notice it was a bit lighter than before.

                “Sort of surprised you weren’t doing that already.” Jake shrugged though Hermann got the sense the man wasn’t as nonchalant about it all as he appeared.

                “My presence seems to aggravate them the most likely as I am actively attempting to get through to Dr. Geiszler. There is every chance they will refuse to allow him to eat simply to spite me.” Hermann shifted the tea bag in the water a couple times more before pulling it free and setting it carefully into the trashcan. “Perhaps Mr. Choi would be able to take the meals into him. He hasn’t interacted with him directly and there may be less of a reaction to his presence than my own.” Hermann was thinking out loud more than expecting a response from the young man. Jake leaned against the counter next to him, the piece of cake almost completely gone already.

                “Or I could keep taking it in to him. Only ever met the guy a couple of times when I was younger before I got booted out by the old man. Nothing there for them to go off about with me.” Jake still had a steady look on his face and Hermann narrowed his eyes lightly at him. The man hadn’t exactly been a voice of support in their meetings about Newton and Hermann worried there was some ulterior motive to his offer. “Look, I think it’s a bad idea for you to drift the guy but that don’t mean I’m against trying to get the real Dr. Geiszler back. Truth is, Mako speaks pretty damn fondly of both of you and I get the feeling this whole drifting with the Kaiju thing was encouraged by the old man back then. I take no responsibility for what the old man may or may not have done but Mako, well…She don’t need to feel responsible for any of this and I’d rather she not lose more people. If I got to make sure the guy eats so there’s a chance for him, well, I’ll baby bird it into the bastard’s mouth if I have to.”

                “I sincerely hope that you didn’t take such extremes, Ranger Pentecost, if the Precursors prevent Newton from eating we can always implement an IV to supplement his nutrition…”

                “Huh…guess that would probably be a better option…” Hermann couldn’t tell if the man was joking with him or not at that moment as Jake nodded his head thoughtfully. Jake pulled himself out of his thoughts and shot him another grin before slapping Hermann on the shoulder and taking the now empty paper plate in the trash. “There’s also some pie in there. It’s not yours, issit?” Hermann shook his head in response and Jake made a celebratory motion as he pulled the fridge open and dug out a container with a sealed lid that Hermann assumed was the pie. “Catch you later, Doc.” He waved and made an exaggerated expression of excitement before turning away to take the pie with him. Hermann wasn’t entirely certain about this generation of Jaeger pilots.

 

                Any peace of mind Hermann may have found in the quiet of the kitchen once he’d been left alone to drink the overly bitter tea was lost when he returned to his room. The note still sat there revealing how very inadequate he’d been in realizing that Newton needed help. Had it really been almost the entire ten years? Had he failed to realize it even when their connection, that tenuous ghost of the drift, had been the strongest? It had been an incredibly hectic time and Hermann’s own nightmare had raged with a ferocity that he only recently had started to experience again. There were things Newton had mentioned to him that Hermann had assumed were simply similar artifacts of a thread long since disconnected.

                He worked that morning, the best he could with his distracted thoughts, on aiding in narrowing down just how they could open the breach on their end. They’d raided Newton’s labs and home to find all the work but the Precursors had been very careful in ensuring that things were written down in code or vague terms. They were trying to decode a bit of information now while the looming remains of one of the drone Jaegers was laid out in the hanger above them. The techs were digging through the remains of the Jaegers in hazmat suits to protect themselves from the chemicals that were housed within those biological sections of the machine. _Wires and sinew strung him up, bound him tight._

                “I believe that if we are able to duplicate the nuclear drives used to power the weapons they utilized we should be able to create a device that will open the breach on our end.” Liwen Shao spoke to him as she pointed towards the blueprints for the drones. She had been painstakingly going through the machines to identify where Newton had made changes and how the sections of Kaiju which were artificially stimulated to grow within them were manipulated. He had been asked to come and see if he could give any further insight into just how to achieve their goals.

                “They had to have been calibrated specifically that their combined energy was enough to focus and create two entangled quarks in each location, Ms. Shao. We would have to ensure that we matched every detail and even then we do not know if the reason they were able to open so many breaches at the same time were a product of them actively coordinating their efforts on the other side.”

                _Spooky action at a distance, Hermann._ He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as Newton’s voice echoed in his mind from a time when they’d shared a lab space and Newton took endless delight in teasing him with Einstein’s own words. Someone had dug up his old models of the breach from the war and they were now projected on the holographic screen against the far wall serving as a reminder. Back then he had been attempting to close an already active and open breach. He had, of course, dealt with the possible theories on how it had been opened but the instruments that the Precursors had used Newton to create were only fully understood by those who occupied the space of Newton’s mind.

                “We do not need to open more than one, Dr. Gottlieb. One would be enough and with your information on the stability of the breach from the war we should be able to maintain it long enough for our purposes. The most difficult part is getting the door open.” _Come and knock on our door…_ Hermann frowned feeling a spark of nerves as he found he wasn’t entirely certain if that particular phrase was just a memory brought forward by Liwen’s words or something _more_. “Dr. Gottlieb?”

                “Yes, yes. Of course, forgive me Ms. Shao,” Hermann said suddenly snapping out of his thoughts as he felt a gentle hand rest on his shoulder. Liwen was giving him a shrewd look as Hermann did his best to hide away any concern.

                “Perhaps it would be better if I take direct lead on this project, Dr. Gottlieb.” There was a hint of sharpness in Liwen’s tone that made Hermann give her a defiant look. “You are a brilliant mind, Dr. Gottlieb, but so was Dr. Geiszler. You will have to forgive me if I have some reservations.” Hermann gripped his cane tightly as he focused on running through the gravitational force between Earth and Jupiter in some attempt to keep from losing his temper.

                “Ms. Shao, I would first point out that Dr. Geiszler _is still_ a brilliant mind. Next, I would state that your reservations are ill founded as, by this point, if I were to be manipulated by the same beings who had _forced_ control over Dr. Geiszler it would have happened in tandem with him. Your reservations are ill founded and ill placed. Perhaps it was your _own_ oversight that aided in the situation regarding the drones _you_ designed and the fact that _you_ were incapable of realizing that the Precursors were using your own laboratory and equipment to, _not only_ change your designs, but create ones that were fully capable of biologically fusing three Kaiju into one creature. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to see to the task of _saving_ the only brilliant mind there currently is who could give us a full understanding of _how_ your designs were altered.”

                Hermann’s words had been punctuated by sharp strikes of his cane against the floor as he spoke. The anger and bitterness he had been feeling towards all those who refused to acknowledge Newton as someone worth saving coming through as his voice grew louder. For her part Liwen kept a steady and even gaze on him, never flinching back but standing her ground. He was fully aware that the others in the hanger were watching them, heads ducked in an attempt to be inconspicuous of the fact. Hermann turned to walk out of the hanger, storming down the hall until he knew he was out of sight of any lingering techs. He stopped then, banging his fist against the wall with a light curse. He had expected this, Tendo had repeatedly warned him of it as well, this distrust of his own actions due to the situation with Newton.

                “I have heard what he means to you but you cannot fault me for my caution. As you stated I was the closest to the situation as it was occurring. Though I did not personally know Dr. Geiszler before his employment I should have seen what was happening. I knew my designs and I knew my tech, I placed my trust that it was being executed according to those designs and that oversight has cost much.” Hermann looked up though he remained leaning against the wall as Liwen came to stand next to him. “I do not speak with the intent to insult either Dr. Geiszler or you but I will not apologize for being cautious in an area of previous oversight.”

                “You are far from the only person guilty of having an oversight in this situation, Ms. Shao, and I can appreciate your caution in this regard. However, just the same as you, I am unable to apologize for my convictions that Dr. Geiszler be recognized as the man he is and not the things that have taken control of him. I cannot apologize that, despite the doubt it may place in your mind, I will do everything within my power to save that man. I would like you to understand, however, that ridding ourselves of the Precursors once and for all through this direct assault will serve that task to the fullest extent.”

                Hermann straightened himself carefully as he talked, keeping his tone even and careful. Liwen had followed him when she had every right not to so that she could explain her feelings and admit what she saw as her failures. He owed her that same respect in return especially after the scene in the hanger. He had been the one to draw attention to them and to cause a scene when in truth Hermann could understand her reservations in regards to working with him considering all the factors. It didn’t make it any easier for him to just accept the insinuation that Newton had become a ‘ _was’_ in the world nor that Hermann may be under the sway of the Precursors as well.

                “Then I should return to my work so that I may aid you in this objective.” Liwen studied him for a moment longer before giving Hermann a nod of farewell before turning to head back down the hallway. There was no question of him returning to the work either and so, for the time being, he was left to fend for himself until the time they’d agreed to attempt to reach Newton once more.

 

                Hermann had returned to his room momentarily before setting out to find Tendo. He knew he should have tracked the other man down earlier. But, as he made his way up towards LOCCENT with the note carefully tucked into his shirt pocket Hermann could feel his guilt welling up again. It wasn’t just the guilt at his oversight on not finding Newton’s chronicle of his loss of control. It was also how things had been left the night before with Tendo. The two of them had talked further on how they would approach his attempts to reach Newton the night before but he could tell that Tendo still hadn’t felt at ease with how the previous day had gone. Tendo wasn’t alone when Hermann reached LOCCENT though he was quick to end the conversation with the J-Tech who was with him when he saw Hermann.

                “Everything okay, brother?” Tendo pulled a chair up next to him and patted it for Hermann to sit. The man leaned back and worried at the familiar set of rosary beads at his wrist Hermann settled into the chair.

                ““I…I had several items that belonged to Newton. I did find his music for our attempt in a few hours but…I found something else as well. I…I should have found it long ago but…” Hermann pulled the offending note from his pocket and handed it to Tendo. Tendo gave him a questioning look as he took the note and carefully unfolded it. Tendo’s expression seemed to darken as he read the few scribbled notes that peppered the page as they grew in their erratic nature. Hermann dropped his eyes down to the floor feeling that returning shame and pain.

                “So they were making him drift.” There was anger in Tendo’s voice, a tone that Hermann had rarely ever heard in the man’s voice before. The tears that were far too frequent now a days had returned to Hermann’s eyes as he kept his gaze down on the floor. There were a few seconds of quiet before Tendo’s hand, the stark red of the rosary punctuated against the blue of his sleeve, appeared in Hermann’s field of view. Tendo took Hermann’s hand and pulled them close, letting Hermann rest his head against his shoulder as their chairs bumped against each other. “Brother, they were keeping him from telling you. You can’t keep blaming yourself for this.”

                “If I had taken more care when I’d gone through his remaining things to pack them I would have found it.” Tendo’s arms wrapped awkwardly around him given their seated position but Hermann could hear Tendo’s voice near his ear.

                “You were hurt because he left. And as you said to me, hindsight is twenty-twenty brother. We’re trying to fix this now, we’re here for him now. At this moment that’s what matters.” Tendo let him cry for a while longer before pulling away once Hermann’s tears finally abated some. He stayed close, their knees knocked against each other as Tendo produced a Kleenex from a nearby box. “You been getting enough rest, my man?” Hermann wondered if there was a bit more behind the question than concern that he was getting fatigued. The note had every indication that they’d used Newton’s disturbed sleep cycle to gain their initial control over him. Tendo wasn’t looking at him as though he was searching for some sign that Hermann was losing himself though. It was a gentle worry on the man’s features he set his hands on the arm rests of Hermann’s chair.

                “I am feeling a bit worn, Mr. Choi, but I am rested enough to be fully present.” Hermann stated his answer to ease any concerns that may have settled in Tendo’s mind even if his friend was kind enough not to make accusations. He did see a hint of relief on Tendo’s features though as his eyes strayed to the letter.

                “Maybe you should get some rest since there’s some time before we’re supposed to meet Herc for the next try. I can come by your bunk and grab you on my way down there.” Hermann nodded as he blew his nose gently with the tear dampened tissue. Tendo gave him a sad sort of smile as he straightened Hermann’s already straight collar, hands smoothing down over his shoulders before they pulled apart.

                “Yes, I think I may do that. I would appreciate your help getting the items I’ve found down to the observation room as well.” Hermann stood, feeling the need to return to formality that had been his fail safe for so many years in the past. He had no desire to return to that time where he tried to keep that careful distance between himself and those most important to him. It had not served him well back then and it would serve him no better now. “Thank you, Tendo, for your help with all of this. Your support has been invaluable to me.”

                “Same to you, Hermann. Get some rest and I’ll come by a bit later.” Hermann gave a stiff nod as Tendo hesitated for a moment to hand the note back to him. Hermann returned it to the place in his pocket as he started for the door to leave Tendo to his work on attempting to plot the most strategic area for them to open their own breach.

                Hermann had returned to his room feeling the weariness settle over him from his own lack of rest and the stresses of the day. He ignored the notes and shirts that were carefully piled together as he settled on the edge of his bed. Instead he grabbed his laptop and the outdated phone that now appeared to have a full charge. He pulled device into the computer and started his work on downloading the music onto his hard drive.

                Hermann had scooted further back onto his bed so that his back could rest against the wall. Before he realized it he had drifted off into a fitful rest. At some point he slipped far enough into sleep that the dreams tried to surface in the form of stilted whispers and something large lurking beneath the surface of a still body of water. He woke feeling less rested than before, the laptop having slipped off his lap and lying askew next to him. The music had finished downloading so he carefully disconnected the phone and set it aside as he eyed the pile of shirts. He had just finished changing and getting everything set carefully into one of the boxes to take with him when he heard Tendo knock at the door. Hermann gathered his things before getting the door of his bunk open.  

                “Let me get that for you, brother.” Tendo took the box from him carefully and then gave Hermann a surprised once over as he registered the shirt that he was wearing. “Wouldn’t have pegged you as an Incubus fan, Hermann?” Tendo held the box patiently as Hermann closed the door behind him. They turned together to start down the hallway with Tendo still eyeing him with some hint of amusement.  

                “I actually rather honestly enjoy them though I thought perhaps one of the band shirts would help bring some pleasant memories to the surface for him.” Tendo nodded thoughtfully at this as he looked down to eye the items in the box that he could see. The shirts were carefully folded still with Hermann’s laptop on top of them. Down near the bottom were the remaining notebooks that Hermann was determined he’d comb through during his moments of spare time. If there were any more clues to be found there he wanted to be certain they weren’t left undiscovered.

                “It was a good thought, brother. Look good on you too.” Tendo shot him a wink as he they entered the elevator to head down to see Newton. Hermann flushed slightly though he knew Tendo was full of compliments even when there should be none to give. The old t-shirt gave him the feel of being closer to Newton despite the time that had passed since it had been in the man’s possession.

                “Will it just be us today or will Marshal Beckett and the Secretary General joining us?” Hermann hadn’t been clear if Herc and Raleigh both were going to be joining them again. He couldn’t imagine either of them were ready to just let them move forward on their own but there was much going on within the entirety of the PPDC that would demand their attention.

                “Herc is coming. Raleigh’s with Mako, she’s finally being allowed to have more visitors. I’m going to try and go see her tomorrow if you wanted to come?” Tendo let him step out first as the doors to the elevator opened and they started down the hallway.  “I think Raleigh was going to fill her in on what’s being going on. I don’t know if she’s been filled in on everything that’s happened since the accident.”

                “I would enjoy getting the chance to see how Ms. Mori is doing and getting a chance to speak with her,” Hermann said with a light nod of his head. Hermann had worried greatly about Mako until they’d gotten the news that she would be fine after a lengthy healing process. It would be good to see her with his own two eyes. He wasn’t entirely certain what her opinion on the matter at hand would be but he knew that, despite the times he was overly brash, Mako had been fond of Newton.

                “We’ll head over together then. For now, let’s see if we can’t do some musical therapy for Dr. Geiszler.” Hermann opened the door into the observation room for Tendo and they found Herc Hansen already in there waiting for them. The man was watching Newton with a shrewd expression on his face. He’d started up the computers so that Tendo simply had to get the programs and feed running for them. He turned to look at them as they entered, eyes dropping to the box with a questioning expression as Tendo set it down on the desk. Herc’s eyes next lingered for a second on Hermann’s shirt though he chose not to comment on either item. “You want to try some Incubus to match your shirt, Hermann?”

                “Yes, the combination of the two may be enough to spur a memory to the surface. If he can hold onto the memory he may be able to use it as a tool to get control back.” Hermann starting getting ready to go into the room with Newton quickly as Tendo set up shop. He was ever aware that he was under the watching gaze of Herc who stood back to let them do as they saw fit. Apparently enough of his questions had been answered the night before that he was content to just watch for the moment.

                Tendo was able to get everything loaded up fairly quickly and he hooked the phone up to the main computer so that he could pipe sound into the room. Hermann joined Herc at the window as Tendo hit play on a song. They could hear the echoed sound of the music come through the microphones in the room. Newton blinked and was immediately at attention as his eyes slid towards the door with a smirk.

                “Hermann…” He hadn’t truly expected it to simply snap Newton back into control but Hermann still felt a sense of disappointment at how clearly _not_ him it was. “Are we trying something new? I was starting to wonder if I’d have to listen to you drone on about wanting to ‘speak with Dr. Geiszler’ for all of eternity. Hermann?” Newton’s eyes flickered towards the door as he tilted his head to one side and then the next. “Hermann…we know you’re there…”

                “Are you ready to go in, Hermann?” Tendo asked from the computer with his own slightly disappointed look. So, Hermann wasn’t the only one who was hoping.

                “Yes, I suppose I am. I believe they’re correct that I should try a different approach than what we’ve started with the last couple of day.” Tendo nodded and Hermann waited a beat to see if there was some sign of approval on Herc’s part as well.

                “You two do what you think will work. I’ll speak up if I think there’s an issue,” Herc said when he realized that Hermann was waiting on him. It was a small blessing and Hermann quietly thanked whatever powers may have helped influence Hercules Hansen to be the one to take on the command. Aside from his rule that he’d be the one to determine they were ready for a drift Herc appeared at the moment to be giving them the power to proceed as they wished. Hermann took a breath to steady himself as he could hear Newt’s voice continuing to call for him through the speakers.

                He closed the door behind him quickly once he was inside and Newton fell silent as he watched Hermann make his way to the chair. He adjusted it, it was shifted slightly out of place from where it had been and he wondered if the younger Pentecost had occupied it the evening before. Hermann sat as Newton’s eyes roamed over him taking in the shirt as the music continued to play.

                “Newton.”

                “Gottlieb.” The word was a sneer as though his own name was being turned into a curse. Hermann met Newton’s eyes and could only see that cold calculation in them with none of the warmth. If asking to speak with Newton wouldn’t work then he would simply just speak to him. He had chosen the shirt with a purpose in mind, the concert had been one that had taken place after the initial kaiju attacks. It had the band’s name with _Trust Falls_ forming a circle around the depiction of a tiger. Newton had gone to the concert and written to him about it. The band had only started to tour again after the kaiju attacks and they had chosen to still hold shows along the western coast despite many performers avoiding the area due to fear of another attack.

                “Our letters were always something that I treasured. Even after we met and seemed to develop a…dislike of one another I held onto them always. You always had a way of talking about music in a way that made it seem exciting and new.” Newton chuckled, a dark sound overlaid with their own harsh tones.

                “Reminiscing, are we?” Hermann didn’t acknowledge the comment as he adjusted in the chair to cross his legs primly. “Powers that would be have swallowed him up.” The dragged the words along with the song that was playing into the room. Again, even with the song actively playing to aid them, the words came out just on the wrong set of beats. Just off enough that it was clear they were having to search to pull them to the surface. Hermann could only hope they’d accidentally pull something up to the surface as well.

                “You wrote me about this concert after you had seen it that night in Los Angeles. I had heard of the band before, of course, but I think you knew that I hadn’t ever really considered listening to them before. The way you wrote about their music, however, especially in light of the attacks that had occurred in the previous years. I couldn’t ignore your recommendation. Do you recall what you said to me about that night, Newton?” Hermann was dropping his formal barriers that he’d kept to protect himself more than anything else. He had managed to scratch the surface here but he knew to truly dig down and reach Newton behind whatever barrier they had him he’d need to be personal.

                “You are either more stubborn or more naïve than we believed, Gottlieb. How many times do we have to tell you that there’s no one here by the name of Newton Geisz-“ Hermann raised his brows slightly as the words choked off. Newton smiled but it was more like a baring of teeth as he seemed to struggle to continue his thought. Hermann swallowed roughly before he chose to fill the silence.

                “You told me that the music playing out with the Pacific Ocean just in view from the venue felt as though they were made of the emotions and energy of the globe. That there was a defiant middle finger held out to the monsters invading our own depths. Do you remember the lyrics you wrote down into the letter?” Tendo was speaking quietly in his ear, voice low as though he didn’t want to interrupt Hermann’s thoughts. Hermann didn’t need the hear the confirmation that the vitals showed that it appeared Newton was trying to fight his way through. Hermann could see it on the man’s face, the silent stilted war, the drop of blood that fell onto Newton’s already bloodied shirts. Hermann felt his first true sense that he had some power over the demons who had taken hold of his love. “Newton?”

                Newton’s eyes met his as he seemed to gasp for air as though surfacing from some great depth. In turn Hermann held his, stilled so completely afraid the wrong movement may cause this to slip away.

                “I was lost but now I am found…A line was crossed, a vessel run aground…” It was quiet and weak but the flow of the words were perfect in timing despite the different song playing over the speaker. Hermann had that sensation of tension snapping loose once more though it felt more like a relief than a loss this time. He held Newton’s gaze with his own, not wanting the man to distract himself with the details of what was happening; what had happened. He wanted Newton to focus on simply being there in the moment with him.

                “I don’t think I have to tell you that’s him, Hermann.” Tendo’s hushed voice came in his ear for just a moment. Hermann nodded his head just slightly, an indication that he was still listening though he couldn’t risk breaking the moment.

                “That’s right darling. It is good to hear your voice again. Are you able to speak?” Hermann tried to imbue it all in the tone of his voice, his feelings and apologies hanging in the air between them as tears formed in Newton’s eyes. Hermann could feel the hot tracks of his own tears on his cheeks but he couldn’t risk breaking this thread of connection to wipe them away.

                “He-“ Newton tried, the word jamming in his throat and he gave a strangled noise of pure emotion. Hermann hushed him gently as Newton’s eyes wandered away from him and he did his best to pull the man’s focus back to him. “…can’t…” Newton choked on the words again with a sob and Hermann reached out in the space between them to place his hand lightly on Newton’s where it was clutching the arm rests of the chair.

                “I think they’re trying to take back over…” Tendo said it as a warning and a few seconds later as though it was on a delay Hermann could see it for himself. He saw the grin spread wickedly across Newton’s face even as the tears continued to fall and then suddenly a scream that sounded like agony ripped out of Newton. “Shit.” Hermann heard Tendo’s voice through the radio as Newton’s body went rigid and tense for a moment before he simply fell silent. Newton’s head lulled and Hermann was certain that if it wasn’t for the restraints holding him in place he’d slide down to the floor.

                “Tendo?” Hermann hoped that his friend could hear him. He wasn’t entirely certain he had spoken the word out loud if he was completely honest.

                “It’s all over the place, Hermann, I can’t tell for certain what’s happening. They pushed back hard though…” There was worry in Tendo’s voice but Hermann clung to the fact that the man was still even getting vitals. He had been terrified that Newton had gone out of his reach entirely. He pursed his lips when he heard the harsh laugh, if one could even call it that. It was a harsh barking sort of sound as Newton lifted his head. Hermann pulled back as Newton spat at him, the offending fluid landing red and stark on the floor between them.

                “Newton, I will help you find your voice again.” Hermann said the words as Newton bared his teeth at him again. He stood and did his best to hide his shaking hands as he walked to the door. His hand had touched the handle when he heard the words sung in a broken disjointed tune in Newton’s hoarse voice.

                “The boy…is gone…let’s grieve….and let him go…” Hermann glanced back to find Newton’s eyes on him; sharp and angry.

                “If you believe I will let him go without a fight then you truly haven’t learned much about our species at all.” Hermann heard his name twisted into that curse once more as he stepped out of the room. Once the door was closed he leaned back against it and closed his eyes long enough to steady himself. He felt gentle hands removing the pads and ear piece and he gave Tendo a tired but grateful smile. Herc pulled a chair over to Hermann so he couldn’t have far to go to sit and Hermann found he was immensely grateful for this as well.

                “I’ll make a request to gain approval for a portable PONs to be made available. It will likely take a couple of weeks to go through all the channels. I’m not making promises, Dr. Gottlieb, but if enough careful progress is made by the time it’s cleared I’ll assess giving my approval for the drift to occur.” Herc spoke carefully though he shared a look with Tendo that seemed to have some shared apprehension. Hermann could see the spike and fall on Newton’s vitals on the screen of the computers that were still recording data. “I would suggest we let him rest tomorrow but pick this back up Friday. I should have some idea of how big of a pain in the ass the process of getting routed a machine we can bring down here is going to be. Both of you get some rest, I’ll fill Becket in when I see him next.”

                “Thank you, Secretary General.” Tendo spoke for them both as Herc saw himself out of the room. It was only as the man left that Hermann realized the reason Tendo had spoken to him formally rather than by name. Jake Pentecost sat near the back corner of the room with Nate Lambert at his side; a tray sitting on the desk next to Jake as he stared through the window at Newton. Neither man said anything as Tendo shut down the computer and feeds for the night but when Jake met Hermann’s eyes he gave him a short nod that seemed like understanding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Incubus' "In the Company of Wolves" as are the lyrics referenced.


	4. We used to be so perfect, now we're lost and lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Nate butt heads about Jake's decision to help with Newton's care. Hermann see Mako for the first time since the crash that nearly took her life. He gets a better understanding of why some of those who are choosing to support his efforts are doing so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Hoobastank's "What Happened to us?" 
> 
> I am enjoying going back through my old music for all of this btw.

                Tendo had stayed with him when Hermann had insisted on staying long enough to make certain Newton truly ate something. It wasn’t that he doubted the two Rangers who had taken on the task but the comment about the reluctance to eat to keep Newton healthy on the Precursor’s part had troubled him. They waited until Newton had calmed back into that quiet state of his before they went into the room, Hermann staying out of possible eyeshot through they did. The presence behind Newton’s eyes returned though he didn’t say anything to them immediately as Jake pulled the chair up next to him to sit down with the tray in his hands. Nate lingered near the door and Newton’s eyes narrowed at him.

                “Still haven’t placed me yet, mate? Or mates? How many of ya are there exactly?” Newton’s eyes traveled back to Jake as a smirked crossed his face. Jake continued to look completely unperturbed as he picked up the roll on the tray of food and took a bite of it. The question made it clear that Jake had at least spoken some with Newton the night before when he’d apparently taken on the duty of bringing him food.

                “I’ll figure it out, he knew you from somewhere. It’s all up in here with us,” Newton said without answering Jake’s question. Hermann sighed from behind the glass both wishing the Rangers would not antagonize Newton further and curious to see how they acted towards others. Apparently they hadn’t been able to connect the fact that Newton had met Jake Pentecost once a long time ago when he was much younger.

                “I’m sure it is. Up there with the Doctor, maybe he’s keeping it locked away from you, yeah?” Jake shrugged and took another bite of the biscuit as Newton gave a soft chuckle, far more human sounding than the barking laugh that had followed Hermann out of the room only a short while ago.

                “You think that Newton actually remembers Jake and is keeping it from them somehow? Either way they don’t seem to feel the need to put on as much of a show for them because of it.” Tendo crossed his legs as he leaned back in the chair next to him. Tendo was trying to act relaxed though he gave himself away as he silently counted the beads of his rosary in the way he always did when his nerves were running high. He had debated bringing up the feeds from Newton’s vitals before the two Rangers had gone in but had decided in the end he would collect the data from security. He had expressed a desire to see how Newton was reacting to those who came in to tend to him and Hermann hoped Tendo would let him know once he was ready to do so. He didn’t want Tendo to feel he had to take on that task alone on top of everything else Hermann already knew Tendo was doing.

                “It wouldn’t surprise me if Newton simply didn’t remember. It has been many years since he last would have seen young Pentecost though there is a resemblance with the former Marshal.” Newton’s eyes were currently locked on Jake’s face with a scrutinizing look as though trying to pin down what connection may be there. Hermann wasn’t entirely certain what the reaction would be if they did manage to find the correct spark of recognition. Newton had interacted with Stacker Pentecost’s son just as they had interacted with a young Mako Mori. The boy had disappeared from their lives, however, after being kicked out of the Jaeger academy. Jake had been much younger then; barely into adulthood.

                “The doctor is nothing more than the remaining files of memories for us to exploit. He cannot keep things locked away when he no longer exists.”

                “You do realize that you’re terrible liars, don’t you?” Nate spoke up this time as he leaned against the wall. Newton’s eyes flickered to him for a moment as he bared his teeth towards the young man. “Jake, are you just going to eat the food in front of him or can we get on with this? We have other work to do.”

                “Yeah, yeah. We’ll get on with it. You going to behave enough to feed yourself tonight or do I need to ask you to open up for the food train?” Newton blinked slowly at Jake with a slightly offended look on his face and sat there silent with his lips pursed closed. “Look, we had this conversation yesterday. What point is there starving him? You seem to think he’s still useful to ya or you’d have cut the cord once you realized he’d be staring at a wall from now until we come and kick your arses. Unless you’re lying, of course, and he really is still in there and you don’t want to cut him loose. In which case, there’s still no point in starving him. Let him eat.”

                Newton didn’t respond to the question but instead heaved a sigh before sitting up a bit straighter. His eyes stayed focused on Jake’s face though that sense of presence faded some as though they were lost in thought. It wasn’t the completely disconnected state that they disappeared into when left alone. Jake seemed to take this as his answer though as the Ranger motioned for his partner to undo one of Newton’s hands. Nate seemed far less comfortable with the thought of giving even this much leeway but he did as Jake seemed to be requesting. Nate undid the binding on Newton’s right arm and Jake sat holding the tray as they let Newton eat. Newton didn’t eat much but he did at least eat enough that Hermann felt certain he wouldn’t be at risk of wasting away in the immediate future. Still, it would perhaps be easier if they used an IV to supplement for him. When Nate moved to bind Newton’s right arm back into place that dark look returned to Newton’s features as they watched the Ranger closely.

                “I wouldn’t try it anything, yeah? He did knock you lot out last time and that was when he was half dead.” Jake spoke casually but he stood up in a way that was obviously intended to make him feel like an imposing presence. It was a protective stance that clearly stated that Jake would be the one to react if Newton tried to lash out at Nate. Newton just grinned at him looking like the cat who had caught the canary.

                “Wasn’t half dead,” Nate said sounding a bit offended as he managed to get Newton’s arm bound back in place. Jake shrugged as he turned to carry the tray back towards the door, that defensive tension slipping away almost as though it had never been there. Hermann knew he would have to thank both of the Rangers profusely for handling the task of taking care of Newton. He had been half afraid they truly were force feeding the man but Jake Pentecost seemed to have inherited some of his father’s persuasion. Either way it seemed they were doing a better job than the techs who so quickly abandoned the task.

                “Pentecost…” The name was a hiss of triumph coming from Newton’s lips and Hermann felt that sense of cold dread spread through his chest. Jake and Nate had both come to a stop as they were stepping through the door and Nate gave his partner slightly concerned look.

                “Pentecost is dead. I think you got those ‘files’ crossed there, mate.” Jake smiled in a casual manner that disappeared once the door was closed and Newton could no longer seem them. For his part Newton’s look of triumph had faltered and was replaced with dark confusion.

 

                “If I’m going to have your back on this I need to know what your angle is on this, Jake.” They had returned to the kitchen after parting ways with Dr. Gottlieb and Tendo Choi at the elevators. Nate had held back his questions as they walked through the halls but now that they were alone in the relative privacy of the kitchen this late in the evening he was going to get some answers from his partner.

                “What would be so hard to believe that maybe I’m just helping out?” Jake set the tray down in the sink without bothering to wash it and Nate frowned as he moved to rinse it off himself. When he had first heard that Jake had volunteered to take food down to Dr. Geiszler from Reyes he had thought it was a joke. The other techs were apparently too spooked or, as was the case with more than just a few of them, not trusted to handle the guy with any real care. Nate couldn’t get a read on why Jake had stepped up so readily to help. He also wasn’t sure if he could say he trusted Jake to have Geiszler’s best interests in mind considering what had happened with Mako and Suresh.

                “Maybe the fact that you were against this whole thing in the first place? Or how about the fact that you literally only step up when you either feel like there’s something to gain or you’re pissed and proving a point?” Jake gave a snort of offended disbelief as Nate dried the tray to place it back where it belonged. When he turned around, drying his hands with the towel, Jake was leaning his elbows on the island counter top and watching him. Perhaps he was being a bit harsh; letting some of his own lingering hurt color this. “Seriously, Jake, I get the feeling that Hansen and Becket both wouldn’t be happy if your dinner and light conversation with the things driving that guy interfered with the attempts to get Dr. Geiszler back to his old self. I’ll have you back on this every step of the way but I need know you understand that this can’t be a joke for you.”

                Jake had that stubborn set in his jaw that Nate honestly had a love/hate relationship with. On one hand it was honestly hot as hell but on the other it meant there was likely a fight on hand. He’d been getting Jake to open up again though since he’d come back. It was why their drift had stabilized again, why they fought side by side so easily like the last decade of hurt and disappointments hadn’t occurred. Nate set the towel aside, leaning back against the counter as he crossed his arms determined to wait the other out.

                “Saying I was against it all is a bit drastic; just didn’t think the whole drifting with a madman idea was a good one.” Nate just kept a steady gaze on Jake waiting for the answer to his question. Jake rolled his eyes at him and Nate could feel the annoyance in more ways than one. “At first, honestly, it was just a chance to rile them a bit. I was curious what they were like and honestly they’re dicks who think too highly of themselves. You’d probably get along actually,” Jake said with a shrug and Nate shook his head in disbelief. He had forgotten how frustrating Jake could be. Or; more likely Nate had never had to deal with all that sarcasm focused on him before in person.

                “Fine, have it your way like you always do, Jake. But if that’s all it is then back off. You might not understand why Dr. Gottlieb is so focused on it but the man’s trying to get something that’s important back.” Nate found himself squaring his shoulders when Jake stood and moved to stand in front of him, a little too close and that damn stubborn tick of his jaw in full affect. Jake didn’t typically swing, the guy used his words to land his blows, but that didn’t mean they could be any less bruising.

                “You don’t think I understand wanting to get something back that’s important? Oh, I understand, Nate. I get it; it eats away at you because that thing you use to be able to rely on is just gone one day. So you either do what you can to get by without or you do everything you can to get it back.” Nate swallowed roughly though he held Jake’s intense gaze. He knew they weren’t still having the same conversation; that Jake had switched things around on him. He dropped his eyes when Jake reached up to pick some invisible piece of lint off of his shirt; hand lingering for just a second Jake pulled away and Nate could feel the complex twist of mental rope between them recoil like it had been cut. Jake had always had an excellent handle on how to shut him out within seconds.

                “And which path did you decide on, Jake?” Nate had kept his tone low with an effort he’d learned through his years in the PPDC but that edge was still there. The edge spoke volumes on its own; a raw hurt that brought back the few short years they’d spent together thinking the world was going to end after all. “I’m the one that tracked you down back then when the cuts were made. I had to basically beg your sister to tell me how to find you since you’d shut me out for not jumping ship when you got kicked. It seems like you understand the leaving part just fine but it’s that fighting to get it back thing that I’m afraid you might not comprehend.”  

                “Yeah, well, if memory serves you have the leaving part down pretty well yourself. Never was against Gottlieb trying to get the guy back, Nate.” Jake pulled away, turned his back on him to signal that that particular conversation was shut as he returned to the one they’d started with.  “I just don’t think it hurts to have more eyes on this, yeah? Gauge whether there’s enough of Geiszler in control that a drift isn’t going to fry em both.” Jake was back to his nonchalant attitude as he grabbed a beer from the fridge. “Now, I hate to say you’re imposing but I’ve got a date set with my bed. We have drills first thing in the morning, Ranger, got to be well rested.” Jake gave him a quick salute and wink before stepping out of the kitchen. Nate sighed, standing in place for a moment feeling as though he’d just had his feet knocked from beneath him.

                In the end he decided to grab a beer himself, feeling the need to at least blur his thoughts some since drowning them entirely wasn’t an option. He was tired of doing what he could to get by but he didn’t know what he could do to really get what he was missing back.

               

                Hermann had turned all the lights off except for the small desk lamp. Tendo had come back to his room with him so they could talk and go through some of Newton’s notebooks. The man’s handwriting bordered on near impossible to read sometimes and many of the pages were simply his work on the kaiju during the war. Recordings of experiments, observations and figures. Tendo had drifted off while the two of them had been sitting next to each other on the bed, a notebook sliding from his lap. Hermann had done his best to get the man lying down without waking him before retreating to his desk with the remaining few notebooks.

                So far there were no more notes. He wasn’t entirely certain why he would have expected more hidden messages when the short chronicle of Newton’s slipping reality had been encompassed on that single page. He had wondered if there would be more hidden in amongst the things taken from Newton’s apartment. Hermann would have to request that they be given access to the man’s possessions. Perhaps somewhere in there they could find more clues both to Newton’s state over the last decade and to the work they had used him to do. Things from after he’d left their lives to become rare interactions and short dismissals that had never fully discouraged Hermann. He had thought he was getting Newton back at first when he’d gone to warn him, had thought it was Liwen Shao who had corrupted the drones. Instead Hermann had felt the raw painful tear of realizing just how lost to him Newton had become.

                Hermann pulled his glasses off and sat up straight as he tried to stretch out his back. It was late and he could feel that dry, unpleasant ache of eye strain and fatigue. He glanced at where Tendo was lying in his bed wondering how they had all drifted so far. It had been like Newton’s departure had fractured them all, that there had been a sudden magnetic force repelling them to different ends of the world. It wasn’t as though Hermann had lost contact with Tendo but they’d all been shipped out and directed to different ends of the world. They had spoken less frequently if they’d spoken at all. Now Newton was back, though altered, and here they were all pulled back to the epicenter of it all.

                “Brother, you should get some rest.” Tendo’s worse startled Hermann out of this thoughts as he realized the man was staring back at him. Tendo stifled a yawn as he shifted, moving aside to leave enough room for Hermann to lie down beside him. It wouldn’t be the first time they had shared a bed, Tendo never seemed inclined to see it as an unusual intimacy between friends and Hermann had always found he could forgive the seeming impropriety of it. Tendo was already lying back down, doing his best to keep his eyes open as he held the covers up for Hermann to slip under.

                Hermann turned the light off, carefully make his way to the bed by memory alone before carefully lying down. Tendo draped his arm across Hermann’s chest once they were settled, the man’s breathe tickling Hermann’s neck as he closed his eyes. He could already tell that his friend had fallen asleep once more but it took Hermann far longer to drift off into his sea of dreams once more.  

 

                The world was electric blue around him. Hermann became aware of that contrasting hue as he stood in the middle of the lab. It shattered the world into a mix of dark black shadows and blue bruising details that outline the chalkboards, examination tables and Newton. Newton still hanging silent above him from his tethered world of sinewy bindings.

                _Don’t you see…._

_…. **Hermann….**_

_Gottl **I** eb…                                                                                            You **wo** uld **n’t** want him to…_

_… **hang** …_

_….would…_

_…you…_

Hermann felt the twist in his gut as a wire snap, sharp and almost at slow motion as though he was viewing it through a vacuum. Newton’s frame shifted amongst his bindings, dropping ever slightly. Hermann’s eyes narrowed as he tried to follow the mess of blue contrasted lines to some destination out in the darkness. There had been an echo in the voices as they spoke, one that sounded more familiar but Hermann couldn’t distinguish Newton’s words from theirs. The hidden source of that harsh blue light shifted giving the startling effect of making his surrounding feel unfamiliar. He could see Newton’s face now as well as the curled mess of wires that rested below his neck threatening to tighten there.

                _**You will** be the **ca** use…_

_… **t** he **c** atalyst of **h** is fall…_

_…our **me** ans to an end…_

Hermann felt a flutter of nerves as he once again attempted to catch and single out Newton’s quieter tones amongst their thrown hushed jumble of words. They sounded as though they were all around him the shadows and the crack of another wire sent a momentary jolt of fear through him. When he looked up again though Newton was looking back at him, eyes heavily lidded as though he was exhausted and struggling to keep them open, but he met Hermann’s eyes with a gentle pleading gaze all the same. **_Fortune favors the brave…_** Hermann heard the words even though Newton didn’t appear to speak. His eyes dropped to a tangle of wires that passed him on their journey into that empty echoing space that stretched much further that the confines of the laboratory ever had.

                “Then, by jove, we are going to own this thing for sure, Dr. Geiszler.” Hermann did his best to square up the best he could before he swung his cane up over his head and aimed it at those wires. He could hear the rush of it like a tsunami crashing ashore as that blue light blindingly flooded the room as the Precursor’s combined voices roared all around him.

               

                Hermann took in a sharp breath as he sat up suddenly in the dark. The pale blue light of his alarm clock letters confused him for a moment so when the hand rested on his shoulder he threw himself from the bed and landed in a heap of blankets and aching joints on the floor.

                “Hermann…hey…are you ok, brother?” Tendo’s voice came from the darkness, quiet and concerned as the light above came to life momentarily blinding him. Once his eyes had adjusted Hermann could see Tendo, hand still near the wall switch of the light, looking down at him with a fearful expression. “Hermann?”

                “I am quite all right, Tendo. It was simply a bad dream and I’m afraid I had not quite registered it when you startled me.” Tendo nodded as he carefully lowered himself down in front of Hermann so they were both sitting on the floor. The man helped Hermann untangle himself from the blankets in silence for a few seconds though Hermann could feel Tendo’s eyes lingering on his face. “I assure you, Tendo, if I felt as though I were not in control of my own facilities for any amount of time I would inform you.”

                “Alright, brother. I just…you want to talk about it?” Hermann didn’t need Tendo to complete his thoughts. Hermann didn’t need to be reminded that Newton _hadn’t_ been able to tell anyone when he felt his own control slipping. But Hermann didn’t feel the words choking in his mouth despite the sour taste that resided there like the remains of the acidic dreams. He stretched his legs out in front of him now that they were free from the blankets and tried to take a few moments to recall the details of the dream the best he could before they slipped away entirely now that he was decidedly wide awake. That blue light and Newton held captive in what they seemed to portray as a perilous position. Newton’s words that were at least half memory though Hermann had felt certain that they’d meant more than that. The uncertain memory of a smile touching Newton’s lips before Hermann had swung the cane down only to be abruptly woken up.

                “I have told you before that I continued to have nightmares about the drift, the precursors and the kaiju. I will admit those dreams have gotten more intense but I feel…I believe they may be trying to frighten me away from my out attempts to help Newton. They keep portraying it as cutting him loose from their bonds will result in his…” Hermann faltered because it felt too much like toying with fate to speak it out loud. Hermann wasn’t one to buy into fate, facts and numbers had always been the things he clung to. Newton had had a sense of fate that had perhaps taken hold in the back of Hermann’s mind. Even now he had some sense that if he spoke of death it would introduce it into the equation of the universe. The calculations would shift by some invisible factor.

                “I get it, brother.” Hermann wasn’t certain how long it had been since he’d faded off before Tendo spoke as he pulled Hermann’s legs across his lap so he could scoot a bit closer. “We both already realized it was a possibility that Newton might not win the war here. But, are you thinking that they’re bluffing? That maybe it’s not as likely an outcome as they seem to be trying to convince you it is?”

                “I’m not positive but…it seems as though their conviction to convince us he is not capable of being saved or worth saving is perhaps due to their fear that we’ll do just that. We know he is still in there, we’ve seen it now, yet they continue to argue that he is gone. And these dreams seem to further support that.” Tendo was close enough now that Hermann could curl up and rest his head on his friend’s shoulder. He felt a rather lot like that note that had sat lost amongst the pages of Newton’s journals for so long. Hermann felt as though he’d been folded and unfolded so many times that parts of him were weak and thin, ready to crumble if handled too roughly.

                “The lady doth protest too much then. Bastards might not want to let him go but we’ll bring him home.” Hermann found some comfort in the conviction held in Tendo’s voice. Tendo let his cheek rest on top of Hermann’s head as they sat for a few moments longer until Tendo straightened and patted Hermann’s knee gently. “It’d be good for us both to try and get some more rest, brother. You think you can manage it?” Hermann shifted as he reluctantly stood with Tendo’s help and leaned against the side of the desk while Tendo quickly got the blankets spread back out on the bed. Hermann wasn’t entirely certain he would be able to get any more rest but once Tendo had the bed remade Hermann settled back in besides him. He turned so his back was facing the blue glow of his alarm clock and closed his eyes to try and sleep once more.

               

                Hermann and Tendo had gotten a car to the hospital where Mako was still being kept. He was honestly surprised that the staff had been able to keep the identity of their patient under wraps for so long. Tendo had asked for the room number while using the codename that was being used and the two of them had headed up the elevator. There hadn’t been much discussion when they’d woken that morning as Tendo had departed Hermann’s room to return to his own. On the way here there had been some idle chat but it seemed neither of them felt like broaching the subject that had been encompassing most of their time while out in public.

                The hallway that led to Mako’s rooms were quiet and empty seeming perhaps as another precaution to keep her presence here quiet. Raleigh Beckett was sitting next to Mako’s bed when they peered into the door, the two of them seeming to have been wrapped up in some private conversation that dissipated upon their appearance. Hermann hadn’t been certain what to expect after the crash. It was a relief to see that gentle and polite smile again despite the obvious signs of injury still lingering after all these weeks. She had a large amount of internal damage that had been handles with multiple surgeries but looking at her now you could only see the outward signs that lingered.

                “Hey there, sister.” Tendo moved into the room when Raleigh motioned that it was alright for them to enter. He leaned to give Mako a kiss on top of her head that for now was partially shaved though Hermann could still see the blue streak the young woman had continued to wear in her hair. The right side of her body had taken the worse of the damage that had required several surgeries in those first few weeks after the crash. Her right eye was covered with an eye patch though when she looked at Hermann her left still looked sharp and bright.

                “Hello Tendo, Dr. Gottlieb. It is good to see you both.” Hermann moved to the side of Mako’s bed and gently accepted the hand she had offered towards him. She squeezed his lightly seeming to study his face for a long moment.

                “It is a relief to see you, Ms. Mori. You gave us all quite a scare,” Hermann said gently and she smiled at him. Raleigh had gotten up to grab them both chairs, pulling one up for Hermann close to Mako’s bedside. The two pilots shared a brief look between them and Raleigh clapped Tendo on the shoulder.

                “I was going to run down and grab some coffee. You want to come down with me, Tendo? We can get you one as well, Dr. Gottlieb.” Tendo caught off quickly as he nodded his head, giving Mako a wink.

                “You know I can never turn down coffee, Raleigh. You want anything specific, Hermann?” It was clear they were trying to clear the room so that Mako could speak with him privately. Hermann felt inexplicably nervous at the prospect, something he never would have imagined back when Mako had been the young and furious girl that spent time in their lab. Hermann had taught the young woman to code while Newton had taken it on himself to run Mako through the gauntlet of instruments and their functions.

                “Just a tea, please, Tendo. I do appreciate it.” Tendo nodded his head, giving Hermann an encouraging look before following Raleigh out of the room. Hermann carefully sat down though he let Mako take his hand in hers once more when he was settled. Her right arm was still in a cast and sling, there was a real possibility that she’d have permanent loss of feeling and weakness in that arm due to an injury to her brachial plexus. She hadn’t piloted a jaeger in years due to her position but Hermann worried over the fact that it may not be a possibility for her now.

                “How are you doing, Dr. Gottlieb?”

                “I believe I should be the one asking you that, Ms. Mori.” Hermann gave her a gentle smile that he knew was fully of concern. Mako returned the smile though she seemed to consider herself as she thought over the question. When she looked back to him there was still that determined young woman looking back at him with confidence.

                “I am well, all things considered. I am alive which I’m frequently told is a miracle. I am determined more than ever to ensure that we are taking the appropriate steps to protect what is important to us. I will be just fine; I have Raleigh who has always had my right and I will continue to have his left. That is what I wish to know from you though, Dr. Gottlieb. Your right half is…compromised and you are having to carry on despite it. So, how are you doing?” Hermann had to clear his throat against the well of emotion that always seemed so close to the surface nowadays.

                “I will keep calm and carry on as always, Ms. Mori. You do not need to be concerned about me when you have so many other things weighing on you,” Hermann said doing his best to keep the waver out of his voice as he blinked back the tears. For her to be concerned about him, to be comforting him felt wrong. A reversal of when she’d been young and he had carefully gone through the coding of the first generation of jaegers with her; listening to her determination to pilot one and revenge what she had lost. Mako pulled her left hand free of his and carefully reached up to brush at the tears on his cheek.

                “You are a friend, Dr. Gottlieb, a dear friend. I will always have concern for you just as I do with Raleigh or Tendo. Just as I carry concern for Newton.” There was a touch of sadness in her voice and Hermann saw the touch of tears in her eye as she gave a light shake of her head to clear away some of her own emotion. “I would like to see him, once I am released, whether he has been freed or not. If they are still keeping him captive…I would like to see the look on their faces when they realize they have failed in their attempt on my life. My hope, however, is that the two of you will be reunited sooner than that.”

                “I sincerely hope so as well,” Hermann said quietly, patting her hand for a second before straightening and trying to get a hold of himself once more before the other two return. Mako wiped the tears from her eye carefully and by the time Raleigh and Tendo returned with their drinks the two of them had fallen into lighter conversation. The four of them had sat together and talked about things that didn’t involve lost friends or saving the world.

 

                They had returned to the Shatterdome around midday and Hermann had unexpectedly found that Liwen Shao had been looking for him. It had felt like a small peace offering when she pulled him in to discuss some of the theoretical designs for the device they would use to open the breach. She had done more work than he would have expected during the last couple of days since their conflict but they were still missing some critical piece of information. Hermann couldn’t deny that the woman had an eye for engineering and it seemed the Jules Reyes had stepped up to help out as well. Shao had indicated that she wanted to further meet with him to go over his research on the REE’s reactions with the Kaiju blood. They would be moving forward with their attempts to turn the Precursor’s weapons against them to develop their own. Hermann had promised to compile his notes on the subject for the next day. He would have to take extra care on reexamining his findings on eudialyte specifically after Newton’s struggled attempts to get the word across.

                As the day had wound down though Hermann had found himself back in the observation room. He had slipped off his button-up shirt leaving the _Hoobastank_  t-shirt he’d worn beneath it all day despite it making him feel overly warm at times. He had felt the need to have a bit of Newton near him, pressed against him like a reminder. He agreed that it would be better to let Newton rest but he wouldn’t have been able to go the entire day without coming to down to check on him. Pentecost must have already been down as an empty tray had been left on the desk in the room and Newton was sitting silent. Hermann had been noting in his mind his observations of Newton’s physical state. He had complained again earlier that day that he didn’t feel that enough was being done as Newton remained in that weeks old outfit and there had been sores left untended on his wrists from the bindings.

                “Thought I’d find you here, Dr. Gottlieb.” Hermann turned to find Herc entering the room behind him. Hermann hadn’t seen the man all day though he knew there was turmoil in the higher rankings of the PPDC. It always seemed to be men who had never fought a day of their lives believed that they knew better than men like Herc Hansen who had spent their lives on the front lines. “Weren’t thinking of going in to talk with him, were you?” There wasn’t really accusation in the words though Herc studied him closely before coming to stand beside Hermann and look in at Newton.

                “No, sir, I…I would like to but I do agree it may be best to let him rest for today. I simply wished to see him, to see what his current state appears to be. As I stated in my complaint I worry about his physical state deteriorating.” Hermann placed both hands on his cane in front of him, leaning a bit more of is weight against it. Herc made a sound of understanding though continued not to elaborate on why _he_ was there. Hansen was perhaps the only one of them that Hermann couldn’t quite figure out what his stake in things were. It had always been a professional relationship that stood between them; there had never been that personal line crossed where Hermann could understand just why Herc was allowing this to move forward. Not on his end, at least, and as far as he knew not on Newton’s either. “Not to sound rude, Secretary General, but may I ask why you’re here? Do you need something?”

                “I don’t want to lose another one.” Herc spoke quiet, his tone carrying with it the world of hurt that had worn on Hansen over the years. Hermann almost felt improper seeing it now like he was intruding on something far more private than he would have ever assumed.s “We lost so many of the people around us back then. Family, friends…colleagues and partners. I’m not naïve enough to have believed that we wouldn’t ever be expected to lose again, to have them at our door one more time. I just had sort of hoped to be gone before the time came because I don’t think I can take more loss. Dr. Geiszler is one of ours and Raleigh was right; we don’t leave our own behind. I won’t allow him to be left behind, Dr. Gottlieb.”

                “Thank you…Herc.” Hermann spoke softly in an attempt to keep his own emotions from spilling over too fully. He stared at the man for a second longer before dropping his eyes as Herc squared his shoulders again; the unaffected exterior returning though it lingered a bit longer in Herc’s eyes.

                “You’re welcome, Hermann.” Herc turned and clapped him lightly on the shoulder as he started for the door. “I’ve found a few members of the medical unit that are willing to try and come in on a scheduled basis. They may have to lightly sedate him but I’ve asked them to clean him up and get him changed into something that’s more Dr. Geiszler’s style. They’ll be doing the best they can to make sure Dr. Geiszler’s in the best condition he can be when he gets back behind the wheel.” Hermann nodded in response to this feeling an immense sense of gratitude that he struggled to express. Herc seemed to feel this was enough though as he slipped back out the door. “We’ll pick things back up tomorrow. I’ve already told Mr. Choi to expect to meet at 1400.”

                “Yes sir.” Hermann called the words out after him and the door latched to leave him alone once more with his thoughts and Newton’s silent form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a whole lot happens in this chapter but I felt I needed to take a chance to build on some of the other's characters motivations/interactions and to Mako officially back in the game. The next chapter we'll be back to the efforts to reach Newton in preparation for this eventual drift. 
> 
> I'm still trying to pin Jake and Nate down more in my mind. They will soon be solidly incorporated into my gathering of children who I will fight people over.


	5. I'm gonna be the Man who's lonely without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann uses the memory of their first meeting to attempt to get through Newton next. The Precursor's take their own change of direction leading to some troubling developments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers

                They were here again, Hermann getting ready to go in to talk with Newton once again. He was growing fond of the band shirts at this point. Hermann still strictly dressed in a professional manner when working but this wasn’t work. Getting Newton back was life to him at the moment, a simple fact, a routine he would fall into as readily as he would one that had him preforming far less stressful task such as making dinner and settling in for an evening of reading. Having the break from his routine the day before had allowed him to contemplate some things but in the end Hermann needed to be here. To have the chance to try again to speak with Newton, to reach him through the ether of his mind.

                “What should we try tonight, Hermann?” Tendo had the music list pulled up while they still waited. Raleigh was supposed to be joining them in Herc’s stead since he’d been pulled off for a meeting. Hermann moved to look over the list of musical artists that had peppered the background noise of the laboratory over the years of the war. He had thought of what memory he wanted to try and use to reach Newton. He had decided on one of their most important that would be a good segue from their former pen pal days; their first time meeting in person. It hadn’t been a fond memory once upon a time but after their drift, after seeing it from each other’s perspective, it had rather grown on Hermann.

                “How about we focus on a single song tonight, Tendo?” Hermann carefully took control of the computer long enough to search out the song he was looking for. Tendo gave a soft chuckle as he nodded his head at the selection and hit play on the song so that it would start to filter into the room. The crooning of The Proclaimers carried back through the speakers and Hermann turned to the window to look in on Newton. The medical team had followed through with their promise to Herc sometime in the morning hours and Newton had been cleaned up and changed into clothing much more suiting the man. Hermann’s understanding was that Tendo had taken it upon himself to go through the things found in Newton’s apartment which had included several boxes shoved in the back of a closet that, by some miracle, had contained some of Newton’s old things and outfits.

                “What do you think of the shirt?” Tendo asked the question as he came to stand besides Hermann. Newton had started calling for Hermann, they knew what to expect by now of course, but Tendo had turned the volume of the song up higher so that it helped drown out their taunts. The shirt was dull sort of purple that had a speech bubble on it which simply read: ‘Ok…this looks bad…’ Next to the speech bubble was a small target also in purple tones.

                “I think that Newton would feel it’s a perfect representation of the moment. Do you remember when he put that infernal target in the laboratory to practice with when I questioned his choice of superhero?”

                “You mean when he put up a white board with a target drawn on it on your side of the lab so he could shoot suction cup arrows at you to annoy you? Yes, I somehow got routed the complaint on that one because I had provided the white board.” They stood in silence for a few seconds as Hermann turned to look at Tendo who was pursing his lips tightly to give Hermann an innocent look.

                “Mr. Choi are you telling me you contributed to that nonsense?” The two of them burst into laughter simultaneously as Hermann got out the last of the question. Hermann couldn’t remember the last time he’d truly laughed but just then the two of them ended up leaning against each other for support.

                “I didn’t think he’d actually be able to get anywhere near hitting it much less you,” Tendo said between small fits. “I got him to stop, didn’t I?”

                “I believe _I_ made him stop when I got acquired my own bow and suction dart set and proved to be the superior opponent,” Hermann said with mirth as he leaned against the wall besides the window. Tendo had gotten some control of himself again but he just shook his head at Hermann’s response.

                “Who got you the bow and arrow, brother?” Hermann took in the comment and then narrowed his eyes at Tendo in a way that made the other man start laughing again. Hermann found himself a moment later with his arms wrapped around Tendo as the man’s laughter turned into sobs. It seemed like Tendo’s careful hold on his emotions, that unfaltering control that had seen him through battles won and lost, had finally broken with the simple trigger of laughter. Hermann made quiet comforting noises as he tried to hold back his own tears and hoping that Marshal Beckett would continue to run just a little later.

                His wishes weren’t answered this time as the door opened but Raleigh stopped himself from speaking up when he saw the two of them. He remained quiet with a soft frown of concern as he closed the door almost soundlessly and simply moved over to the desk to give them some space while not leaving the room entirely. Tendo stayed close to Hermann for a few moments longer as he pulled himself back together, wrapping his calm and collected exterior back over himself piece by piece. Tendo carefully straightened Hermann’s shirt once he pulled away, giving Hermann a smile that had sadness still leaking in around its edges.

                “Shall we go fire a few metaphorical arrows, Mr. Choi?” Tendo made a quiet noise of amusement at this as he turned to look through the window. Newton appeared to be quiet in the room though his were narrowed in a glare at the door as they waited for Hermann to go in.

                “Fire at will, Dr. Gottlieb.” Tendo gave him a nod before turning away entirely to pull his chair up to the desk. Raleigh clapped him gently on the shoulder as he did and Hermann moved to the door to start his routine over again.

 

                The music was rather loud inside the room when he first entered but Tendo seemed to realize this as he tuned it back down unbidden. Newton sneered at him as Hermann made his way to the chair that had once more been shifted at some point. He pulled it back to where it was squarely in front of Newton and sat down; taking his time as the Proclaimers sang on at a more reasonable level now.

                “Missed you yesterday, Gottlieb. I take it you’re the one that insisted on having them come in and change us into this ridiculous outfit.” Hermann stared for a long moment at Newton. The man looked more like himself in the t-shirt and jeans with tears at the knees. His tattoos were back on full display though Hermann couldn’t truly predict how Newton would react to his own colorful personage once he was back. They had been such a part of him though that Hermann had a hard time imagining he’d reject them completely.

                “Do you remember when we first met, Newton? In person, I mean, not through out letters.” The growl that rose up from Newton was a disturbing mix of a low rumble and a clicking noise that turned into soft ‘tsks’ as he shook his head at Hermann.

                “Do you want to know what it was like when _we_ met for the first time, Dr. Gottlieb? He felt like it was an _awakening_.” Hermann hated the sound of it, that curious dual tones that was like an over lay that was just slightly off its timing. Discordant instead of a harmony. He leaned back in his chair, hands turning his cane slowly where he had kept it held it standing in front of him. He tapped the end of it lightly against the floor as they seemed to chitter with laughter.

                “From what I recall after that first drift Newton was traumatized. I know that things can get…confused in the drift. Perhaps you are remembering your own feelings? I can imagine how enlightening it must have been to be introduced to a mind such as his.” There was another rattle of that growl as Hermann took a breath to center himself back on his initial train of thought. “You sent me this song before we were first met, Newton, remember? You stated in a rather flustered manner that it was simply a play on how far you were traveling just for the chance to meet me. It seems silly to me now that I once believed that to be true, to my own disappointment. You said something about our meeting though, the importance of it that I can’t quite recall right now. Do you remember what it was?”

                “You will be the one responsible when he fractures and breaks, Dr. Gottlieb. You don’t want to see him hang, do you?” Hermann felt the twist in his gut and any doubt about whether the dreams were _them_ was erased. His hands stilled on the cane though as he mirrored them when they titled Newton’s head in the curious manner. “As we said…a means to our end…”

                “You are correct in that. It will be _your_ end but I don’t believe it will be his. Newton what was it you said about us meeting that first time?”

                “He won’t answer you. He’s not strong enough, we told you that, _he_ told you that. These pathetic attempts-“

                “It was something about the meeting of minds. You had a specific way of phrasing it though that I honestly-“

                “-will not succeed, Gottlieb. You are an insignificant and vile little thing. We will break you, we will crush your will to live just like we crushed his!”

                “-found to be extremely charming. I was always disappointed with the outcome of that first meeting. There were so many misunderstandings between us and in the end, once we saw, it all had seemed so ridiculous that we spent so many years not realizing how the other felt.” Hermann kept pushing on, talking in an even tone while only raising his voice enough to be heard over their harsh dual screams. “I wish I could remember just how you phrased it, darling.”

                “I hated you. That first time we met I realized that the person I thought I was talking to, the Hermann that existed in the letters, didn’t exist. You were right, feelings can get confused in the drift, Hermann. I think you’re confused because there never was no misunderstanding just how much I ha-“

                “They’re not even good at pretending to be him.” Tendo’s voice spoke up in his ear with a deep loathing sense of sarcasm that had Hermann making an involuntary snort of amusement. This sound was what cut them off as the look on Newton’s face darkened again and Hermann prepared for whatever insults they chose to sling at him next. They seemed to be struggling more this time, no longer denying that Newton was there and resorting to anger and intimidation rather quickly.

                “That first time we met, Newton, you were everything I imagined you would be and then so much more. You were bright and brilliant but you also were so extremely comfortable with who you were. You already had your first tattoos, you didn’t give a damn what people thought of you. I saw in you everything I believed I lacked in myself. I couldn’t fathom that you sympathizing and commiserating with me about feeling ostracized by our peers due to our young ages had been anything more than pity at that moment. I mistook your expression as disappointment when you saw me though I know that’s not what it was now. It’s a shame I shut you out so completely during that meeting that it would cause us to spend years at odds while also desperately wanting to be near each other.”

                They had fallen silent as he spoke and Hermann tried to search Newton’s expression for some sign of recognition. He couldn’t deny that it would hurt some if this specific memory didn’t manage to reach Newton. Hermann couldn’t read the expression on Newton’s face just then as the man stared off towards the window though Hermann knew he couldn’t see anything but his own reflection in it. They’d been forced to face Newton every day in this room, forced to have nothing more to look at than the reflection of the man they had stolen away.

                “It would be a shame if our two brains didn’t meet in person, Hermann. Brains as great as ours are destined to be together. I meant _together_ together but I mean…your dad was such a fucking dick, dude. And you seemed to hate me so…” Hermann had stilled as Newton spoke quietly, Tendo affirming what Hermann already knew without a doubt. Newton didn’t even seem to realize he was speaking, it was almost as though he thought he was just thinking to himself as he gave a quiet whisper of a laugh. “I fucking love this song. I fucking love you…”

                “And I love you too, Newton.” Hermann spoke it like it was a prayer and Newton’s eyes shifted to him with surprise. He hadn’t realized he was speaking out loud, hadn’t realized that he was in control. Hermann felt elated but there was a hovering sense of dread in the back of his mind.

                “This seems too easy, brother…something’s up.” Tendo’s words in his ear stated that he wasn’t alone in his hesitation to believe this. It was Newton, Hermann knew it as the look of surprise crossed the man’s face as he realized he truly was himself in that moment.

                “H-Hermann? You can hear me? Like, I’m legit talking right now? Out loud?” Newton gave a quiet laugh of disbelief as Hermann nodded his head in response. “Hermms, holy shit…I need to tell you so many things, Hermann. Like, really major things because they’re not going to stop coming Hermann. How long have I been here? How did I get in control again?” Hermann was trying to quiet Newton; to get him to focus as the man rambled in a familiar manic jumble of words. “Look, they’re going to try and open the breach again. Or did they already do that? They…the drones, Shao’s drones, they they they they…”

                Hermann reached out and took hold of Newton’s hand as the man seemed to stall out on the word. There was a look blooming on Newton’s face that was heartache and raw pain. Newton gave a sob that sounded more like a whimper as he shook his head; refusing to meet Hermann’s eyes for a long moment. They were doing this, they had realized they couldn’t deny Newton still was buried inside himself and now they had handed him control only to break his heart. To reveal to him the things they had done.

                “Newton.” Hermann stood, cupping Newton’s face in his hands as he tried to get the man to focus on him; to just look at him. Newton shook his head and strained against the restraints to press his face against Hermann’s chest. Hermann heard Raleigh’s voice come through to caution him being so close but Hermann just wrapped his arms around Newton’s shoulders the best he could.

                “Maks…I…Oh god Hermann, I killed Mako…” Hermann closed his eyes tightly as he smoothed a hand over Newton’s hair. He kept his thoughts on careful lock down; aware that no matter how much he wanted to comfort Newton. The attack on Mako had been precisely aimed and had driven forward the plans to launch the drones just as they’d likely wanted. Hermann didn’t want _them_ to know she had survived yet at the same time he wished he could make Newton understand it.

                “Ms. Mori would not want you to blame yourself for the things they have done, Newton,” Hermann said instead with a steadfast conviction in his voice as he mentally cursed them for this. He could almost believe he heard that harsh bark of laughter in the back of his mind at their sheer joy at the pain they were bringing. Newton shook his head as more sobs broke out of him; tiny tremors that felt as though they may break the world apart.

                “How many…how many because of me….” Newton whispered the words against his chest and Hermann bowed his head so he could place a kiss against the man’s temple.

                “Not a single one, Newton. You hold no responsibility for what has occurred. Do not tell yourself otherwise, do not allow them to convince you otherwise.” Hermann spoke in Newton’s ear, hushed but determined. Newton was still crying but it had fallen into silent sobs and Tendo was in his ear with that quiet inevitable warning. Hermann just held onto him though, held Newton tight and whispered comforts and promises in his ear until Newton had stilled completely feeling tense and on edge. Hermann pulled back while trying to get a read on Newton’s expression; finding those bright green eyes staring back at him filled with pain and anxiety and fear. Hermann couldn’t tell at first if Newton was attempting to speak or fighting to keep himself from doing so as he pursed his lips shut tightly.

                “Unscientific…” The word snapped out like a rabbit managing to escape a snare, quickly and rough around the edges. Newton gritted his teeth against it and shook his head frantically. Some of word slipped out but it was unintelligible as Hermann cupped the man’s face in his hands uncertain how to help with this internal battle. This was why they needed to drift again, Hermann could only offer so much help on the outside. “Un…scient…ific…” Newton spoke between clenched teeth and Hermann could hear the Precursor’s in his voice. And then, the world fractured as Newton began to seize, head slamming back against the chair and Hermann felt his world close to a pinpoint focus in his panic.  

                Raleigh was suddenly besides him, pulling Hermann’s arm back before moving to do his best to keep Newton from injuring himself in the midst of the seizure. Hermann was aware of Raleigh’s calm and reassuring tones, telling him it would pass, that it would be over soon and that medical was on their way but it did little to ease that fear. There wasn’t enough left of their ghost drift for it to be more than a slight sense of wrongness in the back of his mind but Hermann could feel it there. Growing static in that epicenter that he knew was that dream state tether between them. And then it was suddenly over just as quickly as it had begun. Raleigh stayed beside him, one hand gripping Hermann by his shirt tightly to keep him close and steady though the Marshal’s focus was on Newton. He had stopped seizing though he didn’t appear to be conscious of his surrounding as Raleigh carefully tilted Newton’s head back against the headrest so he could do his best to check that the man’s mouth and throat were clear of obstruction.

                “He’ll be okay, Dr. Gottlieb, Tendo’s already called medical. It will probably be better for you to be out of the room though when they come to.” Raleigh was still using that collected and gentle tone of voice though as he straightened to look at Hermann he could see the concern clearly in Raleigh’s eyes. “Come on, we’re going to have them check you out too.” Hermann nodded numbly though he felt hesitant to leave with Newton sitting there silent and dazed. Raleigh handed Hermann his cane that had been discarded but didn’t let go of him even as Hermann found his focus enough to walk on his own. Tendo was standing in the doorway looking stricken as he kept the door open for them.

                “Unscientific aside: _Hermann,_ if you’re listening to this, well…” Newton’s voice stopped him in his tracks. Newton had lifted his head to look at Hermann with that cutting smile as he paused for a second as if making certain Hermann was listening. “I’m either alive and I’ve proven what I’ve just done works – in which case…ha, I won-“

                “Don’t listen to them, Doc,” Raleigh said quietly as he tried to urge Hermann on.

                “Or, I’m dead and I’d like you to know this…is…all… _your_ fault. It really is. You drove me to this. In which case, ha!” This was harsher and more victorious sounding as Newton’s voice got a bit bolder still carrying that sardonic taunting tone. “I also won!” Hermann stumbled back a step or two, Raleigh and Tendo both carefully urging him out of the room. “Sort of…” The last two words were quiet and full of defeat, so obviously Newton, but it was followed by harsh laughter almost immediately. Raleigh walked Hermann to a chair to make him sit down and neither of them noticed at first that Tendo was still standing in the door until the sound of the laughter continued to follow them.

                “Tendo…” Raleigh had a warning note in his voice but Tendo just stepped into the room and the Marshal cursed under his breath. Hermann felt numb and distant in a way that he couldn’t tell if it was fully him feeling it or not. Raleigh tapped nervously for a moment at the desk as though debating pulling Tendo back out of the room but in the end he leaned and turned the sound up on the computer so they could hear what was being said.

                “Newton.” Hermann got carefully to his feet to move over to the window. The tones of the Proclaimers still going on repeat in the background. Hermann couldn’t see any more lingering signs of Newton left behind in the darkly amused expression. Tendo had leaned forward in the chair, elbows resting on his knees and Hermann had no doubt his friend was fiddling with the rosary as he leveled a stare at Newton.

                “Tendo…Choi. Have you been back there all this time? You must tell us…how is dear Alisss.” The name seemed to stick in their throat as a hiss for a long second and there was another flicker of emotion that crossed Newton’s face. Hermann glanced towards the computer monitors fearing that Tendo’s rashness would cause another seizure. Raleigh was frowning at the screens keeping an eye on them as well though he glanced up at him when he felt Hermann’s gaze.

                “Do you want me to pull him?” Hermann considered the offer, that quiet but firm reassurance that Raleigh would do it if he asked. It almost startled him that the man would defer to his opinion. Hermann glanced in at Tendo again and shook his head gently. Tendo would have a purpose for doing this; Hermann had never known the man to act without forethought since they’d known each other. Hermann decided to trust that Tendo had a purpose in this as the man seemed to linger over the Precursor’s halted taunt.

                “Newton, I need you to listen. You’re doing a good job fighting, my man, and I want you to keep fighting. We’re here now and we’re going to help you in every way we can. But I need you to fight smart, brother. ‘Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.’” Tendo spoke gently to Newton even as there seemed to be another small battle for control that the Precursor’s appeared to eventually win as strained against the bindings.

                “Sorry, don’t recognize that one…Choi…” They seemed to relax again and Hermann glanced towards the computer screens once more. Newton’s vitals had returned to that base line erratic nature when it was just them. Raleigh gave a soft nod at the sight as the small internal battles seemed to ease even as a couple of medic that Hermann recognized came into the observation room. Raleigh motioned for them to come in and quietly relayed to them the nature of the issue including the apparently shared effects of the seizure.

                “Not meant to, it isn’t for you.” Hermann saw Tendo finally break eye contact with Newton to bow his head for a second. Newton’s eyes followed Tendo’s and the amusement returned to his expression.

                “No use praying. We are both the demons and the Gods to your world, Choi. We create and we will also destroy. Some of your kind had begun to understand that; though they falsely praised our weapons…our pets.” Tendo quirked an eyebrow up at Newton at the comment and he sat up a bit straighter as he held the rosary beads out for them to see. That chittering laughter returned that made Hermann feel less at ease than the exaggerated barks of violent mirth.

                “These were my mother’s, Newton would know that. Just like Newton would know that my faith is rooted in something a lot more powerful than all of you.” Hermann gently but insistently knocked one of the medic’s hands away as they tried to get him to sit down again so they could check on him. Raleigh told them to hold off for a second as Hermann watched the searching expression on Newton’s face.

                “And what exactly do you believe is more powerful than us? We have conquered planets across the universe, we can reach across space itself to your world and have brought death to your door more than once.” Tendo gave a nod of his head as though they had just confirmed something for him and he gave a smile and stood. “What more do you need to see that if your gods existed they have failed you? What could you possibly still believe in that is more powerful than us?”

                “Newton knows, don’t you, brother?” Tendo slipped the rosary back on his wrist and gave Newton a wink before finally started back towards the door. Hermann let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and finally let the medic fuss at him as he sat back down.

                “If he knew then we would know.” There was a growl in the voice that called after Tendo but the man didn’t break stride.

                “I don’t believe that for a second,” Tendo said with a shrug as he opened the door. He patted one of the medics on the shoulder and indicated they could enter the room now to check on Newton. Some of the satisfaction on Tendo’s face disappeared as he moved to sit down at the computer with a sigh. He shifted Raleigh out of the way gently and started saving the files while pulling up the vitals for both Newton and Hermann during the seizure to show the medic that had remained with Hermann.

                “If he knew; we would know!” The medics hesitated for only a second as Newton screamed the words again. Hermann watched them work despite Newton’s further protests though once they had administered a mild sedative he calmed. Hermann could tell it was still the Precursors though by the way they stared, glaring forward at the reflection of the man they were no longer completely in control of.

                “How are you feeling, Dr. Gottlieb? Marshal said you seemed a bit out of it yourself, there’s some activity on your readouts but you seem pretty clear now, yeah?” The medic was talking to him and gave him a friendly smile.

                “I’m feeling fine, thank you,” Hermann said with a deep breath. “Will he be alright?”

                “Geiszler? He should be, we’ll be keeping an eye on him. They’ll give him a sedative that should help mitigate any further seizures for the evening. We’ve all agreed to take turns checking on him each day, we’ll step that up for a bit. We may need to start being here for the sessions though in case something like this happens again.” The man spoke casually with him as he took Hermann’s blood pressure though his eyes strayed to the other two in the room from time to time as though checking on how they were doing.

                “Yes, that would probably be wise. Thank you…for helping him.”

                “Ah, nah, it’s nothing special, just part of the job. ‘Sides, isn’t that the whole thing we learned from the war. We all take care of each other, we’re all family. I think people have been starting to forget that again.”

 

                Nate had been surprised to find a medic in the room when he’d gotten down to the observation room outside Geiszler’s cell. Jake had been avoiding him outside of their drills but Nate knew the guy would be coming down to bring Newton some food. The medic looked up at him in surprise but then smiled in welcome.

                “Hey, Ranger Lambert, yeah? You guys bringing dinner down for Dr. Geiszler? He’s a bit out of it because we had to sedate him earlier but he should be with it enough to eat. It probably would do him some good.” Nate had to take a moment to recall the man’s name but it came to him before he felt it was too obvious.

                “Yeah, Caleb, Ranger Pentecost should be down with it in a few moments. You guys had to sedate him? Was he acting out?” Nate glanced towards the window but Dr. Geiszler seemed to be sitting calmly like always. He frowned though as he saw that the guy’s lips were moving like he was talking to himself.

                “Oh, no. Poor guy had a fit during their…sessions. I don’t really know what to call them cause they’re not really interrogations but you know what I mean. Anyway the Doc’s been putting up a pretty good fight but we think it’s still too much for him on his own. I took him off the drip a little bit ago, we’re trying not to keep him on it constantly so that he can kind of have his wits about him. Though, I think it’s probably a nice little break for him. They don’t seem to like to be too present inside someone else’s drugged up mind.” Nate frowned at this and the medic seemed to take it as a sign that he was disapproving of something he said as he sat up a little straighter. “I mean, not to take guesses or anything, but the guy’s been singing that ‘I’ll walk 500 miles’ song under his breath for the last like five minutes or so? Here.”

                The medic leaned forward to turn up the volume on the computer in front of him. Sure enough Nate could hear Dr. Geiszler’s voice, quiet but steady, as he sang along to a song Nate wasn’t honestly familiar with. Nate made a quiet noise of surprise as the door opened behind them and Jake came in somehow carrying three trays of food. Nate moved to take a couple of them from him as he almost dropped it all.

                “Oh, hey Caleb. Didn’t know you’d be down or I’d have brought you some too. You can have Nate’s, sure he won’t mind.” The medic gave a laugh as Jake set down the third tray before the two of them bumped fists.

                “Oh, nah, though I may head up and grab something if you two going to be sticking around for a bit. Take some time to eat but if anything happens you give me a shout. He’s had a rough day.” Caleb got up from the chair, motioning for the door though waiting to go until Jake gave a nod of his head.

                “Yeah, you do you, man. Catch you later.” Caleb nodded, giving a quick wave before he left and Jake’s attention turned to the computer where Geiszler could still be heard. “Hey, The Proclaimers.”

                “Bull shit that you know this song,” Nate said with a shake of his head, feeling a bit confused about what had just happened. “And how the hell do you know that guy?”

                “What? Caleb? Ah, Caleb’s a good guy. Hansen needed some good people to help take care of Dr. Geiszler here so I found a few who’d make sure he was doing well. As for The Proclaimers, how can you not know this song?” Jake crooned a little bit along with Dr. Geiszler before switching the sound off on the computer. “Seems like today went well. Can’t say they’ve ever been singing before, yeah?”

                “Guy had a seizure, apparently, don’t know if I’d call that going well.” Nate sighed as he sat down, following Jake’s lead. His partner pulled one of the trays over to himself and started to eat and Nate couldn’t deny that he was feeling a bit famished himself. “I heard that Hansen was denied his request for a PONs already. Said it was too big of a risk. He’s spent the whole day arguing with the higher ranks about it.”

                “Eh, he’ll figure it out. Don’t think there’s really any way he’s going to just accept no for an answer,” Jake said with an unconcerned shrug as he ate though Nate took note that he was watching Geiszler the entire time.

                “You’re pretty set on all this, aren’t you? Getting the medics, bringing him food…you’re actually just trying to help the guy out, aren’t you?” Jake didn’t look at him but Nate didn’t need him to. He could feel a sort of confusing wave of emotions come off of Jake. A few of them weren’t so flattering; the anger and resentment over what was lost because of the things in Dr. Geiszler’s head, but there was an old sense of fondness too. Nate just wished that Jake would actually talk to him about what was going on rather than getting leaked bits of information from their connection.

                “Guy helped Mako out a lot. Both of them did really. The old man dragged her everywhere he went; I stayed with my mom a lot of the times but I’d get to come along too. Once I joined the academy I got a better feel for it. They sort of tried to give her a space she could still be a kid, ya know. Stacker trained, nurtured and taught but the guy didn’t really have a lot of room for playing around. I always got the impression they were sort of like her weird gay uncles.” Nate made a soft noise of amusement at this though he watched Jake with a fondness of his own. They used to talk like this all the time, didn’t hold back and shared everything between them.

                “Guess we better go give weird Uncle Geiszler his dinner then, huh?” Jake gave a laugh and he kicked at Nate jokingly though he stayed seating even when Nate stood to pick up the tray. Nate gave him an expectant look but paused when Jake looked like he was struggling to say something.

                “Wasn’t sure you’d be down here tonight.”

                “Well, I couldn’t let Caleb eat my dinner, could I?” Nate tried to joke but Jake just shook his head. He felt like they’d switched places all of a sudden; that Jake was being the ‘overly serious’ one like he always accused Nate of being. “I told you I got your back, Jake. I meant it.”

                “You were right. At first I was sort of just taking the piss with the whole thing. I was mad and I didn’t really care. Seeing them the other night though, Dr. Gottlieb getting through to him even for that short bit, made me think about it all a bit more. It’s…it’s good to know you got my back.” Jake stood up and took the tray of food from him as he started towards the door. Nate smiled a little, turning on his heel to follow behind him.

                “Always will, Jake.”

                “Good…cause Mako and Hansen have asked that we try to, ah…procure a certain something.” Nate opened his mouth to protest, to ask just _what_ they were supposed to be procuring and from where, but Jake just opened the door to the room and entered with a greeting to Dr. Geislzer and the things inside his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tendo's quote about Victory is from Louis L'Amour who wrote old western novels. I felt the quote fit well. 
> 
> Next chapter may not be up until later next week as I am visiting family this weekend. I wanted to at least get this chapter up before then though it ended up a bit shorter than I originally had thought it would be.


	6. If Your Ship Breaks Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The need for the drift between Hermann and Newton increases as pressure is placed on them by the council. A plan is made and a tense week leads to a couple of triumphs, some defeats and the final desperate step finally falls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is from Cabin by the Sea by The Dirty Heads

                “If you’re in this room I expect that you all understand that we all may end up getting canned or worse for this, right?” Herc sounded even more exhausted than the last time Hermann had seen him, pulling the chair at the head of the table out so he could sit down. The Secretary General had called the meeting quietly and discreetly to discuss the outcome of his request for the portable PONs. Hermann wasn’t naïve enough to miss the fact that it likely meant they’d been denied. Hermann was surprised that there were as many of them present as there was if he was honest. He had expected it to be the four of them; those of them who had been there when Newton had performed the doomed drift with the kaiju in the first place.

                “We all understand, sir,” Nate spoke up first though he looked the least comfortable with the subject of the meeting. Jake was sitting next to him and Hermann suspected it was his influence that had led Nate to go against the commands of his superiors. Herc nodded, giving a momentary look at the two medics that had joined them as well. The third must not have felt it was worth it to continue past this point. Hermann had learned the one’s name was Caleb, the man who had checked on him after the previous day’s incident, and the other was a man named Ford.

                “Good because we can’t have any discussion of this outside this room. Obviously we haven’t gotten the permission to do this from the council. They see it as a risk and they feel that any information that Newton may have they can just force out of the Precursors themselves with the right persuasion,” Herc said with a shake of his head. Hermann felt a small twist in his gut at the thought; the right persuasion rarely meant that pleasant means would be employed. “The council is also full of fucking idiots if they can’t see that inflicting pain on Dr. Geiszler’s end isn’t going to convince the Precursors of anything. So, we need to get this drift done before they can cut through all their red tape bullshit to try it.”

                “Say this does work, yeah, what’s to stop them from just trying it anyway only it will be just Dr. Geiszler?” Jake asked the question as he leaned back in his chair so he could rest his feet up on the table. Nate shoved his feet back down to the floor with a disapproving look.

                “If they try to do that I will be the one to step in and stop them,” Herc said flatly. Raleigh didn’t appear too happy about this answer though he continued to stay silent for the moment. “The rest of you are all important to the completion of the attack on the anteverse. I don’t have a drift partner anymore, I haven’t piloted a jaeger since the breach has been closed. Honestly, it’s about damn time I retire anyway. So if it comes down to it I will be the pain in their ass if they try any of that shit here.”

                “Our hope is that we can get Dr. Geiszler back in enough control with the first drift that they’ll be forced to back away from that option without any one having to end their career for it,” Raleigh finally spoke up as he gave Herc a look that was loaded with the years of mutual respect and loss between the two jaeger pilots. “To do this though we’re going to have to take a book from Dr. Geiszler’s own handbook and steal the equipment we need without being noticed. We have plenty of PONs devices here in reach but it’s getting it down there and set up without having someone call foul on us that will be difficult. Nate and Jake, that’s where you two are going to come in.”

                “Oh, it will be more me than Nate, really. I may use his pretty face to help distract a few people while I do the real work but we’ll get you what you need.” Jake gave Hermann a nod even as he cajoled Nate about how ineffective his help would be. Hermann didn’t know how they had somehow earned the loyalty of Jake Pentecost in this all but he was glad for it. Jake ignored Nate’s offended look while Herc chose just to move on.

                “Good. Now, you two, for now you’ll continue on as normal. You’ll work closely with Tendo to make sure that his vitals are being reviewed for anything concerning like the seizure yesterday. It will be when we do the drift that we’ll need you both on hand and ready. This may go south on us pretty damn quick when the drift occurs; I need to know you’re both up to the task if we need you in that room either for medical assistance or to tranq the guy.” Herc leveled a look at the two men that perhaps bordered on threatening. Hermann at least knew that he wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of it if he’d had any intention to do other than what was being asked.

                “We’re good, sir. Wouldn’t have come if we weren’t,” Caleb spoke up and the other medic shook his head. Herc seemed to relax at this as he finally took his seat. They were all risking a lot just even being in the room discussing this and Hermann couldn’t help the almost overwhelming feeling of gratitude at their small group. Hermann had thought he’d be in this alone; that he’d be the only one willing to fight for Newton. Instead he had a room of people, some familiar while others were new, he had people who were going to fight alongside him for this.

                “Well then, since we’re all on the same page here let’s figure out how the hell we’re going to do this.”

 

                The meeting went on for a while as they all tried to plan for anything and everything they could think of. Tendo had, at some point, managed to compile an inventory of all the mobile PONs within the Shatterdome as well as some sources from outside the PPDC as well. The mobile PONs were typically used for demonstrations and recruitment screening and as such were kept under lock and key. Still, there was the chance that given the current high alert the entire PPDC was at that they’d be able to get one checked out without too many issues. Their back up was to go through one of the back channels to obtain one that wasn’t listed within the PPDC at all. It was riskier as they typically didn’t share the same fail safes that the official PONs had but they usually worked just as well. Hermann frowned at the fact that one of the names on the list of possible sources was Hannibal Chau’s. The man had become a bit of a black market legend, more so than before even, after surviving being eaten by the infant kaiju.

                In the end they wrapped up feeling they at least had a plan ahead of them for the next week. It wouldn’t be easy and a lot of things could happen in the matter of days. Still, Hermann couldn’t allow himself to believe that this wouldn’t succeed. Half of their team had left the room already leaving them; the original four who had seen it all happen. They would go down to have a different sort of meeting, to try and once again talk with Newton and help him gain those ever important footholds in his own mind.

                “Dr. Gottlieb, before we head down, there’s something more,” Raleigh spoke up as Herc helped Tendo gather the papers he’d spread out with the PONs information listed on it. “You know I’ve been keeping Mako up on everything. She had a couple of requests given the council is using this as their time to make decisions without her. First, she’s pushing to be there when the drift happens and to get a chance to speak with them first. I’m not really fond of putting her in there while they’re still in the driver’s seat but…” Raleigh sighed and Hermann understood very well what that ‘but’ entailed. When Mako had put her mind to something it was going to happen whether someone else felt it was advisable or not.

                “Given that she can manage to be released from the hospital in time I don’t see why that would be a problem or even something that would need my approval.” A smile touched on Raleigh’s face for a second; one of those rare looks that typically were reserved for Ms. Mori herself.

                “Well, I think we’ve all decided anything to do with Dr. Geiszler goes through you first. Mako included.” Herc was paying attention now as Tendo tapped the folder on the table to get the pages straight and organized. “The second thing is…a contingency plan in case the situation Jake mentioned arises. If we get Dr. Geiszler back but we aren’t able to keep the council from pushing through something hasty.”

                “She wanted us to give you this.” Herc reached into his uniform’s jacket pocket and pulled out an envelope that he handed over to Hermann. “She would have brought it herself but didn’t want an audience when it got passed on.” Hermann carefully opened the envelope with a soft frown as Tendo sat back down beside him to get a good view of what was inside. There was a set of keys, directions and a page written in Raleigh’s hand which meant he’d likely recorded it down for Mako. “We’ll need to know it’s him in control but if he is and they still come for him to do whatever idiotic bullshit they’ve decided is necessary…you two will run. Mako seems to think that you’ll be able to hide out at least for a while there.”

                “It’s only as a last resort. We aren’t going to jump the gun on sending you two out to try and hide from the world but that’s just in case. You let us try everything we can first but if things get bad…” Raleigh nodded at the contents of the envelope that Hermann carefully tucked back into place. The letter appeared to detail instructions for them on who to contact so he folded it carefully for further study. Hermann pursed his lips against that feeling of overwhelming emotion once more.

                “Thank you. This really is far more than I expected.” Raleigh gave a short nod and patted Hermann’s shoulder as he walked past towards the door. Herc followed him and did the same, squeezing Hermann’s shoulder lightly before they both left him alone with Tendo. They sat for a few moments, Tendo giving him the time to collect his thoughts before they started down to the observation room once more.

 

                “Hermann…Gottlieb.” He was tired tonight but he refused to take a break. They didn’t have much time and Hermann worried that the drift would be a disaster if Newton hadn’t gotten enough of the control back on his own. He sat down, taking in the exhaustion he could see on Newton as well even as those things controlling him plastered on a smile.

                “You always say my name as though you are struggling to remember it.” Hermann took the time to straighten his shirt as the things gave that dark laugh that didn’t fit right with Newton at all. Hermann hated it that it was his voice that was being warped to say the things they did; still found himself at times feeling Newton’s hands on his throat. “Do you remember when Caitlin Lightcap died?” This brought a thoughtful expression to Newton’s face as though they were having to search. Newton would have responded immediately; Newton would never forget the day that Caitlin Lightcap hadn’t returned.

                “She helped create the jaegers…not such a loss.” They weren’t playing the games they’d pulled the last few times. No dual toned voice and aside from the laugh they were being rather undramatic for once. They weren’t the ones Hermann wanted to speak to though; he needed Newton.

                “You were devastated, Newton. We both were though you handled it…well, to be honest you didn’t really handle it. That was the first time I had ever seen you really fail to put on a face of bravado. The first time I had really seen the depths of your own sadness. It made me want to protect you from ever feeling that way again.” The music Hermann had chosen tonight wasn’t specifically Newton’s, but Caitlin’s that had lingered in shared playlists and pirated notes on Newton’s devices. Atlas Run played through the speakers and Hermann paused to listen to the song as he felt Newton’s eyes narrow at him. He had wanted to only pull from happier memories but he had realized something…the sad memories were a part of this all as well. They were a part of Newton and something that, if left unrecognized, could be used as a silent trap for him.

                “You have lost him as well…each of these conversations, little drops of failure. A little drop of poison.” Hermann met Newton’s eyes and searched for him in there. He reminded himself that they had a plan, they even had a backup plan, but they all relied on him being able to reach Newton.

                “I took you somewhere special back then; somewhere important to me that had helped me when I lost one of the most important people in my life. I had to force you to come with me, Newton. Do you remember?” They sat for a long moment staring at each other as Hermann felt every inch of the last few weeks. The wear and tear on him settling onto his bones in a heavy layer; one large ache that encompassed him entirely. As he watched that same weariness seemed to settle over Newton slowly; it was like the previous time where it almost seemed as though there was no awareness that the change had occurred. Hermann wasn’t certain if they were letting him take control again or if somehow Newton was simply slipping through.

                “Salar de Uyuni. The salt flats were gorgeous; we went there at night and it was like walking on the stars. I’d love to go back there someday…” Newton’s voice was quiet and soft. There was a flicker across his face, his eyes fluttering closed for just a moment as he gave a little hum of effort.

                “As would I,” Hermann said in agreement. That had been the last time Hermann had been to the salt flats. Really, they had only been given the time because Newton’s work had clearly been suffering after the loss of their friend. Newton blinked and seemed to focus on Hermann when he spoke up and a soft smile momentarily lit up his face.

                “Hey.” Hermann gave his own smile as he studied Newton’s features now that it truly was him. That fatigue was still there, even more apparent now, and there was a sadness despite Newton’s smile. Hermann hoped that someday that lingering sadness would have no reason to grace Newton’s features.  

                “I’m glad to see you.” Relieved, if Hermann was completely honest. After the way things had ended the day before Hermann had been concerned that he wouldn’t be able to reach Newton today.

                “I don’t really know how long this will work. I…I’m tired, Hermms.” Newton’s eyes momentarily flickered to the mirrored window, lingering on himself for a second. Hermann wondered what that felt like for Newton; to look himself in the mirror and for it truly to be _him_ looking back.

                “I know, Newt.” Hermann matched his tone to Newton’s, gentle and soft as though he was speaking to something sacred. Perhaps he was, perhaps he was here saying his whispered prayers to the most important being within his universe. Newton was the singular thing that could cause a cosmic shift in Hermann’s world. It was an achievement the man had done so many times in the past.

                “I think yesterday sort of took a lot out of me.” There was that flicker of a smile again though it was nervous and fidgety. Newton met his eyes and seemed to try to take in everything about Hermann in that moment. Hermann tried to put every iota of love, hope and trust in his expression. Tried to push all those silent prayers through to Newton so that he could perhaps cling to that same hope himself. “Gotta fight smart, right?”

                “Yes. And you are doing an amazing job.” Newton shifted uncomfortably, tugging his arms against the bindings on his wrists for a second. There was more padding there now to help avoid the cutting and chafing but Hermann had no doubt it still caused great discomfort. He wished they could remove them but not yet. Perhaps after the drift but not now when Newton’s hold was so tedious.

                “What do you think Katie would say about me now if she was here?” Hermann sighed softly, standing because being this far away didn’t feel worth the relative safety it offered. They were still bound and if they somehow slipped the bindings there would be little Hermann could do even with the distance. Newton followed him with his eyes; that distressed look on his face as Hermann brushed his knuckles gently over the back of Newton’s arm where the tattoos were once more on display.

                “She would tell you how proud she is of you for being so strong. How brave you are for still being here and willing to fight after so long. She would also likely tell you that you look a bit like hell,” Hermann said fondly and he heard the familiar snort of amusement that he hadn’t heard in so long. The sound of it nearly broke his heart as he let his fingers trail down to link awkwardly with Newton’s.

                “Yeah, that last part definitely sounds about right.” Newton gave his hand a gentle squeeze but he closed his eyes again as though fighting off an oncoming headache. “Not…” Newton gave a quiet noise of distress again as his hand tightened almost painfully on Hermann’s. Hermann pulled free with a sigh as he saw that shift in features and heard Tendo’s quiet confirmation. Newton wasn’t there anymore when he looked at him but it had been enough. Hermann wouldn’t push him after seeing the worn edges.

                “Goodnight Newton.” Hermann turned towards the door, stepping out of the room as he heard them calling mockingly after him.

                “Sweet dreams, Gottlieb.”

 

                A few nights later Hermann hadn’t managed to get through to Newton at all and it had left him feeling frightened and lost all over again. Tendo stayed with him again that night, the two of them digging through a few more boxes of Newton’s things from the apartment. There were more journals in there, sparse and far spread records of times when Newton had managed to be in control during the earlier years. In the end Tendo forced him to set those aside and they instead put on the old Godzilla movies they found in the stash and talked about better times.

                The times between their discussions passed quickly and updates on their progress were passed between the group quietly. Hermann had grown nervous when only a couple days out they still had no PONs secured but then Jake and Nate had come through for them. The two of them had managed to get a mobile PONs device that had clearly been built from old regulation equipment. Hermann found himself worried about what the cost had been with them going through the black market.

                They had continued to work on their work on preparing for their offensive strike against the anteverse as well. Liwen Shao had still been hesitant to pull him into the work extensively but she had asked him to come and discuss where they were at with her. They had so far been able to reverse engineer some of the components from the drones Newton had altered. Unfortunately the act of overriding and powering them down during the attack had damaged some of the essential pieces making it more difficult. They had moved on to trying to design the weapon they’d need to make certain that a strike against the anteverse would work. They already knew that sending the jaegers they had through to simply fight wouldn’t end well. They needed a similar strategy to what they used when they closed the breach. Get something through that would do maximum damage first.

                “I’ve looked over your research and I believe that we could use their weapons against them. It appears that red lead is the most pyrogenetic reaction with the kaiju blood due to its silicon nature. It is the delivery method that is difficult; you designed a way to ensure its use as a fuel for controlled burns. We would need the load of red lead to get through the breach and then be released within the right environment. Their own creatures will simply do the rest.” Hermann sighed as he looked over the design Liwen had pulled up on the screen. A timed device was easy in theory but with the travel through the breach it would be difficult to know if the device would trigger properly. The fear was that something like a nuclear weapon could be detonated on their side of the breach and cause just as much damage as was intend for the Precursors.

                “We would need some sort of remote trigger once we could confirm it was through and in an area that it would do damage. It would be likely that we’d need one of them injured as well, if we could somehow tie two events together…” Hermann stopped and paused on a word within his own writing on his research. _Eudialyte._ “Eudialyte dissolved in the acidic conditions of kaiju blue.”

                “Most everything dissolves under those conditions, Dr. Gottlieb. I do not see how that helps us.” Liwen gave a soft huff of frustration as she swiped the screen to the side to pull up the list of REE’s that he had tested. “Perhaps it would be best if we took the chance of trying to deploy a nuclear weapon.”

                “Eudialyte has a cyclosilicate structure, Ms. Shao. If we used a chambered structure that would contain red lead in excess with eudialyte; have a timer that would trigger the initial release of acid…if it were to go off on our side the damage would be minimal; however, if it triggered on their side where there is a ready supply of acid and silicon the remaining red lead would trigger further reactions. It would at least heavily damage their defenses that we’d have a chance at an offensive strike with the jaegers once the reaction has come to a halt.” Newton had been trying to tell them something; it wouldn’t be in the high concentrations found within the Kaiju but they could create a safe to transport version of a kaiju blue bomb without the actual kaiju blue.

                “We would have to run some experiments to see if the silicon from the eudialyte would be enough to trigger the reaction but it seems sound based on the readiness of the reactions,” Liwen said with a soft nod of her head. “We may still need perhaps an initial detonation that would cause some damage to the kaiju and precursors on the other side to ensure the reaction has enough to keep going but it would be far less dangerous…I believe you may have just helped solve one of our problems, Dr. Gottlieb.”

                “I do not deserve the praise but I will pass it on to the man who does once I am able.”

 

                There was only two days before they would attempt the drift. The coveted PONs had been snuck down and hidden so that it would be easy to access. Herc was busy arguing once more with the council but in his place was Mako Mori. She had gotten released from the hospital thanks to the guarantee that she had two medical professionals that would be ensuring she was taking it easy. She stood beside Hermann now as they looked in at Newton who seemed to be looking at himself in the mirror. Mako had yet to say anything aside from a greeting when Hermann and Tendo had arrived. Raleigh was close by and his eyes also seemed to be stuck on Newton through the window. Hermann wondered if the two of them still communicated through the drift.

                “Tendo monitors everything from in here. Gives the call if he feels Dr. Gottlieb needs to back off or push harder. He typically tries though the other day was the first day he didn’t. It seemed like he was pretty worn down though especially with the seizure a few days ago.” Raleigh spoke up as though answering a question from Mako which seemed to confirm Hermann’s suspicions. Mako nodded then and finally turned to look at Hermann again, a hand reaching out to take his.

                “We’ve caught a few moments here and there outside of the sessions that it seems like Newton manages to get through since we’ve started keeping track. His vitals will shift but when he’s alone and doesn’t have someone to help him focus on it he slips back pretty quickly,” Tendo offered as he pulled up the said vitals on the screen. He’d filled Hermann in on this after the previous session and it had only been a temporary bandage over the fear of not reaching the man.

                “I will go in once you have had your opportunity to speak with him. I would like to speak with him but I do not wish to take away any of your time. Besides, I have a few things I would like to say to them.” She looked a bit more like herself now standing there with him rather than sitting in the hospital bed. Her arm was still in its sling and the patch still covered her eye but her hair was down, the right half shaved closed but the left coming to her chin as it had in the past. The hint of blue was still there, unchanged despite the years and her new title.

                “I am certain they’ll be rather surprised to see you.” Mako gave him a smile and leaned to place a kiss on his cheek that harkened back to those days when she was a young girl who’d excitedly visit them in the lab. Hermann glanced at Tendo to make sure they were ready as Mako let his hand go so he could enter the room. Tonight it would be The Dirty Heads and Tendo queued up the music to start in the room and Hermann took a breath before stepping into the room.

                “Never did understand his music tastes.” They spoke the moment Hermann was in the room this time with a look of dislike on Newton’s face. Tendo turned the volume up just a bit more from the other room and Hermann smiled as he came to sit. He hoped Newton would come through today, afraid that the man wouldn’t and that it was a sign something was wrong.

                “Some of the music he chose wasn’t pleasant but I’ve grown rather fond of most of it.” Hermann took up his station in the chair across from Newton, meeting their eyes.

                “And what are we reminiscing on today? We were just enthralled with your recollection of the first time you met his father.” The heavy sarcasm would be impossible to miss as Newton raised an eyebrow at him expectantly. Hermann had been surprised that Newton hadn’t come through on that story. It had been one of his favorite stories to tell before; Jacob Geiszler was a calm and simple man who had seemed to be the complete opposite of his son. Hermann had thus assumed that Newton’s uncle, Ilia, was actually the man’s father. A mistake all three of them had allowed him to continue with for far longer than had been necessary.

                Newton had been absent though and Hermann had dodged the Precursors’ snide comments the best he could. He’d finally given up feeling defeated and drained of patience when they had started to once more insist that he could just accept them as a substitute. They seemed to have zeroed in on the fact that the suggestion that he’d accept anything other than Newton himself triggered his temper.

                “There were a few months…a few months after the drift where we both finally realized how we felt. We spent that time together until your sudden departure that I now understand was due to their influence.” Hermann had wanted this to be the last thing he discussed. Tomorrow they would be preparing for the drift, making sure that everything was in place and giving Newton a chance to rest before that particular assault to his senses. Hermann needed to reach him today because this was his last chance before his hypothesis would be tested.

                “We’re right here. No need to talk about us like we aren’t in the room.” A slow grin and a tilt of his head. The set of his shoulders and the stillness of his limbs. So many little things that should have been so obvious. Little signs that should have spoken volumes.

                “We still bickered, of course, I don’t think that we could ever break ourselves of that habit of heated intellectual debates. But that time together before things started to unravel. Do you remember what we discussed doing? What we were supposed to have spent these past ten years doing?” Hermann’s eyes narrowed in disgust as they gave a chuckle and licked Newton’s lips suggestively at him. Hermann held in his anger the best he could though, didn’t give them that same flash of anger that had resulted in him regretfully slapping Newton. They rolled their eyes at him as they looked around the room like they were bored. “Picture you and me in the cabin by the sea…” Hermann started a bit weakly, uncertain of his voice as he sang the song and able to so clearly picture Newton singing it to him. Crooning it teasingly with his guitar that had disappeared somewhere over the years.

                “It won’t work…Gottlieb.” There was a growl in their voice that made Hermann feel a bit braver. He straightened his shoulders and faced them then. He found his voice and he sang the words to Newton that the man had given him so earnestly years ago. They were words Hermann had grown bitter towards throughout the time after Newton had left and yet… At the same time the song had been one he’d listened to too ease his heartache whenever he had a momentary meeting with Newton. The times they had crossed paths due to their work and Newton had acted distant, been unable to meet his eyes and had dismissed him. Despite all of that Hermann had never been able to lose that sliver of hope that maybe someday.

                “Sit up on a porch and we can burn a couple trees. Our friends are all around-“

                “It. Will. Not. Work.” The words came out stilted and rough as Newton bared his teeth at him. And Hermann just kept singing with a certainty in his heart and the memory of Newton looking at him from over the rim of his glasses as he joked. Another thing that seemed to regretfully be gone, those preposterous glasses that had been _so_ Newton they’d been a part of him.  

_“We’ll buy a shack if we have to, Hermms.” They’d been sitting on the beach just then, a rare day away and out in the sun._

_“That is preposterous, Newton, there would be no reason we’d have to live in a shack. We are more than capable of buying a reasonable home.” Hermann had watched Newton play with Tendo and Allison’s son in the waves before the man had run back to him, soaking wet and full of laughter. It had been before **them** , before Newton had first complained of sleep walking. _

_“We can sit and watch the storms pass, comb the beaches and just get the fuck away from it all. You, me and the sea. And we’ll sing-“ Newton had started to croon the song at him as he shook the water from his hair at Hermann who protested with a laugh._

_“_ But just as loud as we please. And we will be, forever so free, so come follow me. Cabin by the sea.” Newton’s voice suddenly joined with Hermann’s, strong and forceful with that ridiculous rasp and Hermann felt his heart nearly burst. Hermann gave a soft laugh that threatened tears but Newton gave him a smile that was just so full of adoration. “Hey…”

                “I missed you yesterday,” Hermann said and Newton looked a bit sheepish.

                “I’m sorry; it just…it felt like too much yesterday and I didn’t really want to have a repeat episode cause that really really sucked.” Newton paused with an expression that made him look so young and lost. He gave Hermann one of those smiles that was equal parts happy and devastated. “I was listening though, you forgot the fact that Uncle Ilia gave you the _talk_ about respecting his child as though we weren’t both full grown adults.”

                “Ah, yes, I believe I attempted to block that memory. How are you feeling today?” Hermann was afraid they wouldn’t have long given the proceeding days. Newton took a deep shaky breath as he glanced away from Hermann for a moment. Hermann dropped his eyes to Newton’s jittery leg, his hands tugging lightly at the ends of the arm rests and then back up to his eyes so full of warmth even with the tears that had formed.

                “Ok…just, ok. I’ve tried a few times when you’re not here, it’s been mixed. It’s like I manage to slip through this roadblock only to get a bit further and hit another one. I can’t keep hold; they always pull me backwards again. I’m fucking Sisyphus in here…” That hint of carefree joy that had brought Newton forth had been snuffed out far too quickly. Hermann wished they’d been able to hold onto the spark just a bit longer.

                “We’re trying to figure out how to help further, Newt. For now just keep trying to move forward but please don’t strain yourself too far. Remember to choose your battles as Mr. Choi suggested.” Newton nodded his head as he seemed to try and collect himself though the tears remained clinging to his lashes. Hermann wished he could tell Newton what they were planning, wondered if he had figured it out himself, but it was more important to ensure that it stayed quiet for now. If they knew what would happen the day after next they may try and plan to sabotage it somehow.

                “Is Tendo still here?” Newton asked the question once he seemed to feel he could speak without his voice cracking from emotion. His eyes glanced towards the window again though he was only met with his own face. His facial hair was getting a bit thick at this point though Hermann couldn’t blame anyone for feeling that bringing in anything with a sharp edge to try and tame it was asking for trouble. He would help Newton shave it once he was back to being himself.

                “Always, brother.” Tendo’s voice came through the speakers and Newton seemed to brighten a little again at this.

                “Fighting sma-“ The word ended with a light whimper and Hermann closed his eyes for a moment. It was too little, too short of time though he’d at least gotten to speak with Newton this time. He opened his eyes and sat silently as Newton seemed to push them back. “Still gonna get you that cabin by the sea someday, Hermms…” Newton’s voice was strained but he gave Hermann a smile that seemed to hold at least the slightest bit of hope.

                “And we’ll sing, darling.”

               

                They had come back shortly after that with the crash of a boulder rolling back down the proverbial hill. Hermann had left the room to find Mako standing with Raleigh close to her side and tears on her cheeks. She pulled him into an embrace and Hermann returned it for a long moment. So many moments between them over the course of their lives; this was hardly the first time he had comforted her but it was the first in a long time. When they were all younger Newton would have been there with him to extend his own brand of comfort and cheer.

                Tendo pulled him out a chair with a serious expression on his face as they waited for Newton to equalize back out to that silent staring baseline that they seemed to hold. Once he gave the ok Raleigh entered the room first. Newton turned to him and gave a smile as he opened his mouth. No doubt taunting words about the things the man had lost would have followed if it hadn’t been for Mako stepping in after him. Raleigh gave a small cocky smile as Newton’s mouth closed again and the Precursor’s glared.

                “You. You’re apparently harder to kill than we would have expected Ms. Mori.” They tried to recover from their surprise though that anger on Newton’s face still spoke of some shock. Mako sat down in the chair that Hermann had left and looked him in the eyes with a stern look. Raleigh stood behind her on the right, close and ready despite his relaxed posture as he leaned against the wall slightly.

                “Yes, it would appear you underestimated me just as you have underestimated Dr. Geiszler,” Mako said carefully. She spoke evenly and didn’t flinch even as they forced their own voices through Newton’s vocal chords in an attempt to intimidate her.

                “Neither of you are whole. Broken dolls; his mind is gone and, well, what you are now lacking is very evident. But still, you are all like…cockroaches. That is the name for them, yes?” Mako didn’t respond right away as she seemed to take the seconds to study him. Hermann hadn’t asked just what it was she wanted to say to the Precursors, really he hadn’t needed to. She made a soft noise then as though she had just realized something as she lifted her hand to gently touch Raleigh’s arm.

                “It is getting harder for them to steal their words from him, isn’t it?” Mako spoke as though she was address Raleigh instead of them and Hermann saw that flicker of aggravation on Newton’s face. “That will be their downfall and our greatest advantage.” Mako didn’t raise her voice even when they gave one of those clicking disapproving hisses at the insinuation that they couldn’t pull what they wanted from Newton.

                “You are weak now. You are nothing that we need fear anymore, Mako Mori.”

                “Then you admit that you have feared me?” Newton’s mouth snapped shut as Mako caught their error. There was a low growl that she seemed to choose to ignore as she continued to speak before they could interrupt. “We have not always been our best as a whole. Human Beings fought amongst ourselves to great extremes since the beginning. And yet, you looked at our planet filled with a species who was willing to destroy thousands of our own kind over petty scrabbles and you decided to come for us. And we in turn banded together. That is the one good thing that you have done for us; you have taught us solidarity on a level we likely would not have achieved otherwise.”

                “And together in solidarity you will all burn and this world will become ours.” Mako shook her head lightly at this before leaning forward towards Newton. They strained against their bindings to lean towards her as well giving her the full effect of the slow threatening smile.

                “No. We have already shown that we are not so easily disposed of and it will not be because of our worse impulses that you will fail. It will be because of our best. We will fight just as we once fought amongst ourselves; we will fight for what is the most important thing in the universe. We will fight for our family and you will lose. We will fight for Newton and you will lose. We will fight for our planet and you will lose.” Mako stated each point with an easy sense of conviction and ended it with a smile before she stood. Newton gave a soft growl, for once the Precursors seeming to be left with little to say and Hermann wondered if Mako was right. Newton wasn’t allowing them to steal the words from him in that moment. Mako seemed to wait for them to respond to her for a second before turning in sync with Raleigh towards the door.

                “Maks?” Mako paused in her steps before she looked back to Newton who was staring at her with such a complicated mess of emotions. Disbelief, guilt, joy; all of it seemed to fill the space between them as Mako’s expression softened. “H-hey.” Mako failed at keeping the touch of her own emotions off her face as she moved with quick steps back besides him, a hand resting momentarily on his arm in a comforting gesture.

                “Hello Newton.” She said the words in a hush and leaned forward to press a kiss to Newton’s temple. Newton gave a sobbing laugh at her touch and the knowledge that she really was there and then it all shifted as Newton seemed to shudder with the force of them taking back control. Hermann was frightened he was seizing but it more like a chill running through his body that passed in the moment between breaths.

                “We will enjoy making him pluck your other eye from your head someday, Mori.” Mako’s expression hardened as she pulled away and studied Newton’s face.

                “I look forward to being able to speak with you further, Oji.” Raleigh reached for her as she turned back towards the door and rested his hand on the small of her back. Raleigh kept his eyes locked with Newton’s for a long moment before giving him a short nod.

                “We’ll have you out of there soon, Dr. Geiszler.”

 

                The dreams had gotten worse over the last few days; desperately so. Hermann could hardly slip into sleep before those lurking beasts were stalking him and the Precursor’s false puppet would be taunting him. Newton was still there, still bound though more and more of those wires had come snapping apart to recoil into darkness. They still threatened that he would die, that Hermann’s attempts would be the wire around his throat. But Hermann could hear other things in the dark now too; Newton’s voice drifting beneath theirs and a hint of quiet singing. Tendo’s idea of using music to reach him had been a brilliant.

                They would be preforming the drift that evening, the previous day had passed in a blur of planning and carefully putting things into place. Hermann found he couldn’t sleep again after those dreams just as he had so many nights. It was late enough in the morning though that Hermann knew Tendo was likely up himself and wandered his way up through the hallways. The entire place seemed to be holding its breath around him, quiet and still even as he stepped into LOCCENT. It took him a moment but Hermann spotted Tendo sitting towards the main console. The man had his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees as he seemed to be talking to himself. _No, praying…_

                Hermann faltered in interrupting but decided in the end to quietly come to sit beside Tendo as he allowed him to finish. Hermann had seen the small cracks, those moments where it seemed to be weighing heavily on Tendo’s shoulders. It had been more than the laughter turned into painful sobs of earlier in the week, but a thousand small fragments glimpsed throughout the week. His friend hadn’t spoken in depth about it though they’d shared a few quiet conversations. Tendo released a heavy sigh after a few long seconds ticked by; dropping his hands and sat up straighter though he still didn’t meet Hermann’s eyes.

                “I feel like Herc.” He said it as though it was meant to be a joke but it fell flat between them. “Like I need to retire. I don’t know how much longer I can do this shit, brother.” Hermann pursed his lips at the unexpectedly broken expression on Tendo’s face as the man twisted his rosary around his wrist. Tendo had always been the best of them, the strongest.

                “I am sorry I have put you in this situation.” Tendo shook his head just as he had all the times before when Hermann had tried to apologize for dragging him into this. Tendo gave Hermann a frown of disapproval for that comment even now. It was one of those times that Hermann knew it was best for him to just stay quiet though he couldn’t help the twist of guilt.

                “Wouldn’t have had it any other way, Hermann. I wouldn’t have allowed it, as I’ve said before I don’t trust anyone else to do this right…” Tendo seemed to scan the empty holographic screen for a moment as though he was seeing old moments from the past play out on it. “It’s just been too many Hermann. Too many people haven’t come back. I’ve heard too many of them die and the silence that follows. That’s the hardest part to reconcile, brother, those silent moments that followed all the violence. While they fought I could believe some higher power was on their side but in those silent moments when I knew they were gone…where’s the God in that?”

                Tendo paused as he looked down towards his lap again counting the beads silently though Hermann could see the movements of the numbers upon his lips. Hermann had always understood that Tendo had faith, the man wore it openly, but this candid questioning of it all shook Hermann in a way he didn’t completely comprehend. Once Tendo had counted each of the beads he seemed ready to speak again and he glanced at Hermann for a second, a curl of hair falling loose over his forehead.

                “Then Mako and Raleigh made it. And the war was over and that seemed like something. But, in the end, I didn’t have the work anymore but I still had that weight. I’m afraid it’s going to get too heavy if we have to do this all over again. I only have so many left…” Tendo held his arm out towards Hermann, palm up as the rosary pooled there and down around his wrist. Starting from one end the beads each had careful initials burned into the wood until they stopped with only a few left unmarked. The initials of all the pilots that Tendo had lost, of each person he had heard die in static and violence. Hermann carefully took Tendo’s wrist in his hand, turning it as he looked at the worn shapes. He thought at first that the last bead bore the initials _SP_ and _CH_ but then he saw that a new set had been added to the next bead along the string. SK, the young Ranger who had lost his life in the attack instigated by the Precursors.

                “I need you to come out of that room, Hermann. I only have so many beads left and I don’t think I could carry it all if I have to add Newt and you.” Hermann’s fingertips brushed over Chuck’s initials as he took in the small timeline of loss. He knew without asking that Yancy’s initials would be there as well as Caitlin’s. Tendo had kept a record, names on a list along a string that he had carried the weight of over so many years. There were only four more beads left without initials, without that carefully etched pyrography of loss. Hermann linked his hand with Tendo’s then, pressing the beads of the rosary between their palms where their etched in letters dug into their skin. He held on tight so that he could help Tendo carry all that weight, at least for a little while. “I know you can’t make promises…”

                “No, not when there is a chance that they may turn into lies,” Hermann said quietly as he leaned against Tendo, pulling him closer to that the man could rest his head on Hermann’s shoulder. “You know I must do it.”

                “I know and I wouldn’t even dream of asking you not to. It’s just heavy and I’m tired. And I miss my wife and my kid. And I miss him; I miss my friend.” Hermann pressed his lips lightly to the top of Tendo’s head and closed his eyes as they sat.

                “If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens then come to me and I will give you rest,” Hermann said softly and Tendo made a noise of amused surprise.

                “You? Quoting the bible, brother?” Hermann gave Tendo’s hand a gentle squeeze as he cracked open his eyes to look down momentarily at the stark red beads entwined in their hands. He lifted Tendo’s hand then and placed a kiss to the back of it, soft and chaste.

                “I may not place stock in it myself but I cannot deny that there are part which are comforting.” Tendo made a quiet noise of agreement as he ran his thumb over Hermann’s. “It may not be my place, Tendo, but…have you talked with someone? About all of it?”

                “Way ahead of you on that one, Hermann. I have. Several people. Allie finally helped me find one that seems a bit like they get it but that doesn’t make it easy. This isn’t easy, brother.”

                “No…no it is not.”

 

                The room felt almost stifling in that moment. The medics were back in the corner ready to act if they needed to. Mako, Herc and Raleigh were standing by the window at the moment as Tendo fussed entirely too long over him. Hermann was letting him even as Tendo straightened his collar for the fifth time. He was holding it together but Hermann could tell that it was just barely in that moment. Jake and Nate were outside in the hallway somewhere keeping watch just in case though they’d never had someone interrupt their sessions before. Still, there was a chance that the pull of power by the PONs or the careful loop Tendo had put in place on the security cameras would draw attention.

                “Now remember, you’re going to have to chase the rabbit on this one, Hermann, but don’t chase the wrong memories. We don’t know what the drift is going to be like but they they’re going to be there no matter what at first. Try to reach Newton, pull him out of whatever you find and then snap out of it.” Tendo spoke quietly to him, saying the same things he’d been saying over in varying ways for a few minutes now. Hermann finally had to take the man’s hands in his to still them and make Tendo meet his eyes.

                “I know what I must do, Tendo. I will find him and then bring him back out of that drift space. If I get a bit lost, which I won’t,” Hermann had seen the moment of crumbling anxiety in Tendo’s eyes at the mention so he placed a certainty he did not feel in his words, “but if I do…we will have you on this side to call us home.” Tendo nodded, closing his eyes to gather himself as Hermann let go of his hands.

                “Right, then let’s get on with this. Faster we get started the faster it will be done.” Hermann was going to say something in agreement but Tendo pulled him into a tight hug first, kissing Hermann’s cheek. Hermann returned the embrace and after a second Tendo pulled back and turned to the computers as though looking at him was too much. Hermann knew that it his cue as he looked at Marshal Becket to ensure he was prepared for his part. Raleigh gave him a nod to say he was good to go and Hermann took a breath before entering the room.

                “Newton, we are going to try something different.” They would need to get right into it. They had discussed him trying to pull Newton out first as they’d been doing but in the end it had been deemed too risky. It took so much out of Newton already to fight to the surface it seemed best to just plunge in after him and then they could both pull free. So, Hermann ignored them, ignored the fact that they gave him that expectant look that disappeared into a frown at his comment. Hermann sat down across from them and looked at Newton and tried to just remember how he had been and not the mockery of the man that was currently in front of him. “I will find you and we will do this together.”

                “You’re not doing what we think you’re doing, are you, Gottlieb?” Their eyes narrowed as Newton’s head tilted. They looked up as Raleigh came in with the portable PONs with the help of Herc and their expression lit up. “You are.” They dragged the word out and gave him a smile.

                “We had planned on having more time to prepare you for this, darling, but unfortunately we are running short on that commodity.” Raleigh started to get the PONs set up and Hermann stood up to help get the head set on Newton. He ignored the look of joy on their face and relished the thought of never seeing them use Newton as their avatar ever again. Hermann knew it wouldn’t be quite that simple but if this would just get Newton far enough where it was _him_ more than it was _them_ , well…they’d figure the rest of it out after that.

                “Oh, this is perfect, Hermann. After all this time and you will finally get to meet Alice…in a way at least.” They were trying to shake him, trying to place doubt in his mind. Hermann tried to tune it out as Raleigh worked on getting the connections completed on the main unit of the PONs as Hermann carefully placed the helmet on Newton’s head. There was a gasp of air like Newton had been punched and both of them froze to look at the man thinking something had been triggered too soon with the equipment. Instead Hermann was met with the panicked expression of Newton, his Newton, looking at him in sheer fear.

                “Hermann, what are you doing? You can’t do this, you can’t let him do this. I get what you’re thinking but you can’t, you just can’t, it’s what they want. They think they’ll be able to get you this way you can’t.” Newton switched back and forth between addressing Hermann and Raleigh as he shook his head. He tried to duck down to keep Hermann from placing the helmet on his head but with his limited mobility it proved fruitless.

                “Newton, we believe this is the only way we will be able to get you completely back in control. This is how we will help you get out from under the weight of that boulder you mentioned. There is no other way, we need to make progress now,” Hermann said earnestly while he had him there. He made certain the helmet was straight before he cupped Newton’s cheeks in his hands even as Newton shook his head against it. “Newton, I am choosing to do this with you…. _for_ you. I accept the risks and willingly take them for you just as I did before.”

                “Hermms…” Newton looked at him lost but he would soon not be alone. Hermann would lose himself in whatever waited for him in the drift if it meant he may be able to find Newton and pull him back. “I can’t…” Hermann caressed Newton’s cheek with his thumb as he leaned in close and rested his forehead against the man’s. They needed to get started but he didn’t want to leave Newton in this distressed state as they jumped in either.

                “Fortune favors the brave, Newton, you told me that once, didn’t you.”  

                “I don’t feel so brave right now, Hermann,” Newton said weakly and Hermann forced every bit of confidence and certainty in his voice that he could.

                “Then it’s a good thing I’m feeling brave enough for the both of us, isn’t it, darling.” He pressed a kiss to Newton’s forehead before he pulled away at the feel of Raleigh’s hand resting on his shoulder. Hermann took the second helmet that Raleigh offered to him and placed it on his own head as he sat down across from Newton who was staring at him as though he thought the world was going to come to an end. Hermann saw the twitch of a smile though, the momentary bearing of his teeth, and he knew that Newton wasn’t the only one frightened about what the outcome of this may be. Hermann would give _them_ plenty of reasons to be scared.

                “You ready?” Raleigh made one last check of the setup before he glanced at Hermann who nodded his head.

                “Thank you, Marshal.”

                “I’ll see you on the other side, Doctor Gottlieb.” Raleigh left the room and Tendo’s voice took over as Hermann focused on holding Newton’s gaze. He would do this for Newton so that the man no longer had to be a prisoner in his own mind. He would do this for Tendo so that Newton’s name would not be another he felt the need to etch onto his soul. He would do this for himself so that Hermann could feel whole once more in the world.

                “Initiating drift sequence in three…” Hermann focused on the memories they had discussed, picking at them in hopes that some thread would appear in the drift for him to follow.

                “Two.” He thought of evenings in the lab with Newton’s music too loud while the man sang along. Days where they argued and those days that Hermann had once thought would never be a possibility. Tears and laughter, quiet whispers and angry voices, sacred breathes and that blooming bursting feeling of love in his heart.

                “One.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that sure was a chapter guys. I wanted this chapter to end where it does for a reason. It's ended up a little longer than the others because I had a lot I wanted to have happen but at the same time wanted the feel of that stepped up timeline they are all under. The next chapter will be shorter, probably the shortest chapter in this one, because the drift will stand on its own.   
> Thank you as always for reading.


	7. I'll show you the way out of this Blue...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The drift is a fragmented state of blended memories and haunting things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have listened to this song more times than I can count as I tried to think up the visual that I wanted to use for this chapter. The Chapter title comes from the same song. A few of the lyrics are scattered throughout this chapter as well as a bit of a throw back to the Dirty Heads song last chapter. 
> 
> If you want to have a similar frame of mind that I had while reading it I would suggest maybe throwing it on.  
> Fall into Me By Alev Lenz: https://youtu.be/9TKb8RCka70

                Hermann blinked once the startling rush of images had settled and he found himself sitting on a piece of coral beneath a vast sea. A storm was raging above full of violence and punctuated by lightening that lit up the shape of a boat being tossed about on the waves. The swirl of silt painted glittering stars amongst the deeper waters in those moments of fractured illumination.

                “Hermann, what do you see?” Tendo’s voice came through sounding like he was speaking under those waves as Hermann carefully stood and he watched a shark swim past. Another flash of lightening from above illuminated a large form in the distance swimming through the water; blue lights winking in and out of existence as it moved. It traveled with fluid determination in Hermann’s direction but it had yet to notice him in return.

                “I believe this is their memory…or the kaijus at least,” Hermann said softly feeling as though his voice may carry too far in this underwater world that lumbering beast would notice him; focus on him. He turned to look around, searching for some sign of a way to proceed past this as another form started to appear in the distance. Hermann knew what it was, when this was, as Gypsy Danger moved through the memory space of the beast that had once taken it down.

                _You have to find…_ Tendo’s voice disappeared into the background noise; Hermann no longer hearing it at all as he stepped forward. There was a school of fish swaying on the currents as a battle suddenly raged above him; distant thunder and screaming blue above the surface but down here it seemed so far away. The fish parted and Hermann saw him; Newton standing with his back towards Hermann staring off into the depths. Hermann glanced up to where Knifehead and Gypsy Danger were attempting to tear each other apart before taking hesitant steps in Newton’s direction.

                **_Follow me…._**

**_I will show…_ **

**_You the way…_ **

                The voice seemed to drift to him as he stopped behind Newton and Hermann reached forward to place a hand on his shoulder. The second his fingertips brushed the leather jacket, one he hadn’t seen in so many years, Newton took off without ever looking back at him. Hermann stumbled at first, calling for him as he started to run and follow him. Hermann felt like he was running in slow motion as he tried to keep up with the silhouetted form of Newton ahead of him. The world began to morph around them as they ran; Hermann’s cane tapping a slow staccato beat that seemed to carry like an echo, the beat of which timed the changes of their surroundings.

                _Tap._ Golden fields with the faded sounds of Newton’s childhood laughter and the resonating tones of Ilia calling out for him to slow down. The shifting sound of the wheat in the summer breeze fractured by the scream of metal being ripped apart from somewhere behind them as Gypsy Danger came to its original end.

                _Tap._ University libraries with students sitting, heads bowed and faceless over their books, pages floating through the air as though they’d all been submerged and a lurking blue light between the stacks seeming to keep pace with Hermann. Chalkboards with nonsense words in place of tidy calculations.

                _Tap._ Salar de Uyuni with the shift of clouds and sunlight passing in a blink of the eye to be replaced with the night sky startling beneath his feet all while he heard their voices in soft drops of water and splashing feet. The shocking yellows and oranges of the breach somehow below the surface of that thin layer of water marred the stars with the sound of crumbling concrete and dust.

                _Tap._ The beach on a bright and brilliant day with the strum of a guitar and elation in the air. The sun was blocked out by a looming form that Hermann did his best to advert his eyes from as it called to him. It loped alongside him, earth shaking and threatening, tearing up the sand in a spray.

                Hermann chased after Newton through the flicker of memories only half completed and partially altered. Ran until Newton seemed to disappear into the depths of a dark place that made Hermann’s steps falter. The shadows seemed so solid and complete he was uncertain if he would be able to pass through. The place felt so wrong, a black spot on a note passed as an omen, that he couldn’t help the fear that rose up like bile.

                                                                                **_And we’ll sing…_**

**_Just as loud as we please…_ **

                Hermann turned at the sound of Newton’s voice behind him and in that moment the shadows rushed forward to envelope him; shifting into the form of the lab. Small paper ships floated serenely on invisible waves through the air, hundreds of them lit with contrasting blue light while some quiet murmuring hum buzzed in the background. One floated past, close enough to touch, and Hermann reached out tentatively towards it.

                “Hermann…” The sound of his name made him turn away from the filmy vessel to find Newton standing there looking at him with a soft smile. It wasn’t Newton though and Hermann knew that with a deep sense of dread as he took a step back from the man. When Newton mimicked the movement with his own step forward there was a sense of something larger staying hidden in the shadows behind him. “And now you have seen all that I can be.” Newton motioned around them and the paper ships danced as they were tossed about by a sudden squal.

                “Where is he?” Hermann stopped but the thing that wasn’t Newton continued forward until it was close. It gave him one of those smiles, unkind and full of a malicious humor, as it straightened the cuff of its jacket. The ships stirred quickly, rustling paper like the flutter of wings as they rushed back from him as though a shift in the tide had sudden drawn them further out to sea. They returnes to their gentle dips and twists behind the imitation of Newton as it lifted its eyes to him once more.

                “Tired are your splendid soldiers…” Hermann narrowed his eyes, not wanting to turn his back on the thing in front of him even as its eyes dropped to the wire Hermann could see stretching past him into the darkness. “You could be so much more, Gottlieb…with us. The two of you could even be together and I know that you will see the beauty in me.” Hermann shifted his stance carefully, taking the risk of glancing back to assure himself that Newton’s bound form was there. The ships whispered again as they moved to try and block his view; there was a sudden shift of that dim blue light that had Hermann snapping his attention forward. It was closer still, green eyes and mocking smile so close and continued that sense that there was something _more_ hidden in the shadows behind it. It had one hand resting on the wire that ran past Hermann, fingers skimming the surface. “We know what you’re thinking, Gottlieb. We told you…you wouldn’t want him to hang, would you? It would be better…with both of you together. You’ve seen what we can be.”

                That blue illumination seemed to draw closer and Hermann could make out the lumbering form just barely now. The copied version of Newton titled its head back to look up at the fleshy tether that held it in place with a sigh full of disappointment. It hung from the head of a kaiju like the lure of an angler fish waiting to draw him in. Hermann swallowed roughly as he tried to regain some of that space between them, the back of his hand pressed against the wire to gauge just where it was. Hermann squared his shoulders and widened his stance as it tsked at him quietly; the Precusors' puppet lifted up as the beast it was connected to listed itd own head. Hermann glimpsed more of Otachi's altered shape as both pulled back into the darkness but the ships quickly filled the space between them. He already knew what he needed to do though.

                “Don’t. You. Do. It. He’ll hang…” Its voice was warped and full of buzzes and clicks as it spoke from somewhere behind the shifting wall of paper boats. Hermann took a deep breath as he steadied himself before he lifted his cane, swinging like he had in his dream. The flesh wire snapped violently, whipping away like a living thing into the darkness. There was a groan that sounded like a large ship pulling against its moorings and wires started to snap in a great cascade around him. Hermann ducked to avoid some of the flinging wild ends as they raced past. They all seemed to be pulled back towards one point in the room; being drawn back in towards the source of that low blue hue. “You will… **watch** _him_ hang.” Their laughter filled the air around him as the ships began to float down like sinking vessels. Miniature tragedies as they crumbled apart; brilliant yellow light eating away at their edges like flames. One floated in front of Hermann as it made its disintegrating plummet and he recognized Newton’s handwriting scribbled upon the sheet before it faded away into nothing.

                Hermann finally allowed himself to look up at the real Newton , meeting the man’s aware gaze as he almost came free. The wires were not slowly lowering him as they released and even as Newton looked at him like they had triumphed Hermann felt his throat close up in fear. The last of the wires were snapping but there was still one that seemed to be lingering in place, sinew strengthening it as it looped around Newton’s neck. Their laughter grew to a mild roar in the air around them as Hermann pushed off at the same time Newton started his fall. Hermann wasn’t certain what he intended to do to stop it, the straightening and tightening of that last wire around Newton’s throat.

                _Useless…it’s useless…he_

_Will_

_Hang._

                Newton’s look of triumph changed into one of fear part way through the descent and just as Hermann thought that the wire would tighten, tense and terrible, it gave a loud crack as it too finally broke free. Hermann expected Newton to hit the floor and hoped to try and take some of the force of that drop even as he knew he was still too far to reach him. Just when he expected Newton to crash again the surface Newton was falling _through,_ the laboratory’s floor suddenly becoming some amorphous thing beneath them that Newton slipped through as though falling into water. Hermann lunged, pushing himself with everything he had to grab hold of Newton who reached out for him as well and their hands grasped each other’s wrists desperately.

                Hermann was pulled forward with sudden startling velocity and he hit the ground that had gone solid but clear as glass beneath him. His arm reached through the surface as though a hole had been exposed in the covering of ice and Newton hung from his wrist staring up at him in shock. Their shared confusion reeled between them through that drift-torn connection.

                **_You caught me…_**

**I caught you…**

                “I will try to pull you up,” Hermann spoke the words once he felt he had his breath back and Newton gave him a nervous but trusting smile. Hermann tried to shift to brace himself against the unsettled and shifting floor of the lab so he could have enough leverage to pull Newton back up to him. He kept his grip tight on Newton’s wrist as he got his knees beneath him so he wasn’t lying flat. It was difficult and awkward but he wasn’t going to let go. He would pull Newton back onto solid mental land.

                “Hermann…” The fear and awe in Newton’s voice grabbed Hermann’s attention as he looked back down through that dizzying space. “You have to fall…” Newton whispered this, quiet and barely audible if it wasn’t for the fact that Hermann was hearing him in his mind. Hermann frowned and shook his head, not understanding the plea even as he felt that wave of terror building on Newton’s end.

                “Newt-“

                “Hermann, we have to fall. We have to fall. Fall now!” Panic ripped through Newton as he started to try and tug Hermann down through the floor. Hermann froze, lifting his eyes as a shoe appeared in his field of vision. It stood above him, looked at him with a wide unnatural grin as Newton's mimic seemed to split from the feet up. Hermann gave a soft cry of fear as it unfurled into a wide flowering thing hanging from that tether to the beast behind it. The blinding blue light suddenly all-encompassing as it radiated out from the center of that bloom. Tendrils reached out, glowing iridescent things searching in Hermann’s direction as Newton screamed from beneath the floor. “Fall!”

                                                                                                                **_Fall!_**

**Fall…**

                Newton suddenly tugged hard at his wrist and Hermann slipped forwards, dropping through the space as the world upended and twisted around them. There was a terrible rumbling roar from above as they drifted down into the waters of a swimming pool, lights lining the walls and casting refraction dancing in a kaleidoscope around them. The water rippled and shook with the grinding shattering sounds of something trying to break through some distant barrier. They held onto each other tight as the world heaved around them and the lights faded as they touched the bottom of the swimming pool. Hermann looked upwards towards the surface and barely could see that distant blue shimmer as the echoes of their fury grew to a quiet static in the back of his mind.

                Hermann blinked as the sunlight was suddenly too bright. He closed his eyes against it for a moment, feeling its warmth on his skin as the sound of waves quietly lapping at the shore reached him. When Hermann reopened his eyes he was sitting on the beach, a large towel underneath him and Newton beside him. A breeze was ruffling Newton’s hair as the man sat in his swim trunks staring out at the water in front of them that seemed to stretch for miles. Newton’s guitar sat in its open case, stickers covering the surface in a confusing mess.

                “Newton?” Hermann spoke uncertainly and Newton shifted to look back at him with a relieved smile.

                “Hey…” Hermann frowned as he searched Newton’s face trying to find some sign that this was a deception. Newton had his glasses on, some of the salt from the ocean was peppering his hair where it had been left behind by the evaporated water it had belonged to. It was the drum of Newton’s fingers on his knee, the nervous but loving smile and the honest expression that convinced Hermann this was real. Newton seemed to be studying him as well and gave a sigh as he appeared to be content with what he found. “I was worried they’d…ha…” Newton faltered and seemed to momentarily pull in on himself as he steadied the nerves that he was drumming out with ink stained fingertips.

                “Guess I shouldn’t have been so scared after all, huh, Hermms? I mean, you were always the stronger one out of the two of us.” Newton took a deep breath and scooted back on the towel so they were a bit closer together. He took Hermann’s hand in his, entwining their fingers as he looked back out at the waters of their shared memory. “This was the last time I think…that I was really happy. Really just me.”

                “I’m sorry I didn’t realize what was wrong…”

                “No, Hermms, don’t. I can’t… If we play the blame game on this I’ll definitely come out on top, trust me,” Newton said with a shake of his head as tears came to his eyes. Hermann could feel that strain of guilt and pain resonate off of Newton and he lifted the man’s hand to his lips to press a kiss to the back of it.

                “Are they gone?” Hermann knew it was hopeful to think that a single drift would be enough to eradicate them entirely. The haunted look on Newton’s face as he looked out to the ocean was answer enough even without that glimpse of something breaking the surface far out on the horizon. It was quick and distant but Hermann didn’t have to wonder just what it was; lurking on the fringes for some chance to slip back through.

                “They won’t be getting me back though,” Newton spoke as though he was making the promise to himself more than anything else. “We should go…or however this works. Stop chasing the rabbit, right?” Newton squeezed his hand lightly as he blessed Hermann with another small smile.

                “Right.” Hermann leaned so he could press his palm against Newton’s cheek for just a moment. He blinked and the world changed around him again as he found himself sitting in that now familiar chair with Newton looking back at him with a tired smile. Hermann could feel it all; the fatigue, the relief and the love. The only sign that they weren’t entirely alone in the drift was a distant static that posed no risk. Not now at least. Never again if he had anything to say about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've lingered over how to write this scene basically since before I even started writing this fic. Bits and pieces came together as I wrote and pulled from different visuals for inspiration. I'm not certain it translated entirely to the written word. If I had confidence in my ability to draw or animate it because it honestly became a vivid thing in my mind. I hope I did it justice that this was an ever changing landscape of Newton's memories melded with bits of the hiveminds' memories. It's changed and morphed over a few different sketches of how I wanted it to go but this is the version I pictured most frequently that felt like it was the right one. I sat down and wrote it in one sitting and went back and did my normal edit (which isn't probably the most thorough though I tried to pay better attention with this chapter). I needed it out though after thinking on it for so long and I wanted it here because it starts the next leg of this fic.  
> It is a shorter chapter because I wanted this to stand on its own. To be its own self contained section because it's a short scene but an important one.


	8. Oh Child, Things are gonna get Easier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton is free in his mind for the first time in ten years. Ten years is a long time to have been living your life in a second hand way. It's a lot of emotions, memories and sensations that have been separated for a decade suddenly coming back under his control. It's a lot to try and learn how to live again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "O-o-h Child" by Five Stairsteps

                They had disengaged the drift, Hermann keeping his eyes on Newton the entire time watching for any change. Newton had stayed himself though even once Hermann was no longer actively tied into his mind with that direct link. Hermann could still feel Newton there through that reestablished thread that was the ghost drift. An extra level of reassurance. The medics both came in to check on them, make sure they weren’t show any signs of overload that may need critical attention. Neither Newton nor Hermann said much though their eyes met repeatedly as the world moved around them; back at its normal pace. They didn’t feel they needed to say much just then and Hermann knew that later on there would be far too much for them to discuss. Too many things that would need solved.

                “We’re going to get you moved to more comfortable accommodations, Dr. Geiszler, though you’ll still be under lockdown for a while.” The medics gave a signal that they were all good to go as Caleb patted Newton on the shoulder. Hermann couldn’t keep himself from studying Newton’s movements, the gentle tap of fingers on the arm rest and the slight slouch in the chair. He looked startlingly like he had after that first drift when Hermann had found him. Fatigued, a bit jumpy and more than a little unsteady. It was Newton though and despite it all he gave Hermann a worn smile that was full of relief.

                “I’m going to sleep so hard after this,” Newton said quietly as Raleigh and Herc stepped into the room. Their presence managed to pull Newton’s focus away from him and Hermann saw the uncertainty there for a second. Hermann tried to give Newton some reassurance, some comfort that the two men had supported them and there was nothing to be concerned about. Herc and Raleigh both moved to help removed Newton’s restraints as Hermann finally dragged himself out of the chair to stand. The other medic, Ford, steadied him when he had a moment’s vertigo, some lingering effect of the unusual drift that felt like a familiar. Another echoing response from a decade ago. Newton had it worse at that moment as he was finally allowed to stand for the first time in weeks and Raleigh grabbed a hold of him as his legs seemed shaky beneath him. “Thanks man…its weird being the one in control here…”

                “You’re doing just fine, Dr. Geiszler. We’re going to have to put some cuffs on you just in case while we get you moved. We’ll take them off once you’re in the room though.” Newton nodded and then looked once more at Hermann as he finally found his legs and seemed able to stand on his own. They’d have to move Newton quickly to avoid anyone reacting poorly to seeing him in the halls. They were fortunate that not many people dared to come down here; most of them had preferred to stay far away from Newton’s cell as though they believed he had some ability to harm them even bound as he’d been. Newton seemed a little less certain as Herc started to put the cuffs on him but didn’t fight against it.

                “It’s just until we get you to the new room, Dr. Geiszler. Those aren’t too tight, are they?” Herc seemed to sense Newton’s anxiety and spoke in the tone of a man who had once comforted his own child through pain and loss. Newton glanced up for a second before turning his wrists, already red and raw from the bindings of the chair, slightly and then shaking his head. “Good, then let’s get moving.”

                Hermann took the lead as they walked out of this particular cell for what would hopefully be the last time. He hadn’t made it more than a few steps through the door before Tendo was on him, arms tight around Hermann in a hug as a quiet _thank you_ passed mutually between them. Hermann returned the embrace finding comfort in the fact that he had managed to avoid being another loss on Tendo’s heart at least for another day. Tendo pulled back after a second, moving away from Hermann to immediately pull Newton into his own hug. Newton stood there looking startled for a second before dissolving into tears as Tendo held onto him. Herc stood uncomfortably, letting go of Newton’s elbow to be out of the way of the display as Tendo talked low and quiet to Newton for a few seconds as Newton sobbed against him. Hermann couldn’t hear the words, only the timber of Tendo’s voice, but he caught the echo of them in the back of his mind.

                _It’s so good to have you back, brother._

_I’m so sorry I didn’t realize…_

_You’re family and we don’t give up on family._

_Wait until you see how much Mac has grown._

_Allison will be so happy to see you…_

                Tendo took a few seconds to help wipe away Newton’s tears before he fully released him. Herc cleared his throat as he motioned towards the door expectantly. Once out of the room they moved down the hall quickly and as a group with Newton in the middle. Hermann was starting to pick up on the fact that Newton was a bit overwhelmed by it all, could feel that well of emotion that was such a heady mix it was hard for him to get a hold of it. Newton glanced at their small group; at Mako who walked beside Raleigh, the two of them alert for any interference. At Jake and Nate who had fallen in line behind them partway down the hall. At Herc who was keeping a steady but gentle hold on Newton’s elbow. Newton’s mind was reeling just to try and extrapolate upon the input to make sense of it all.

                It was a relief that there was no one in the hall, that they didn’t have far to go to get Newton to this new room. Hermann wasn’t entirely certain if they had run into anyone else, someone who may not react so kindly to seeing Newton out of the locked space, that Newton would be able to efficiently process any more. Tendo took Hermann’s hand as they walked the remaining short distance; the press of rosary beads between them once more. Tendo was helping him carry things now as Hermann tried to silently support Newton in the back of his mind.

                _They all helped us get here?_

_**Yes.**_

**** _Why would they all do that for me?_

_**Because you are family…**_

 Hermann’s heart ached a bit at the clear bafflement in Newton’s mind at this. They reached Newton’s new quarters which had a similar utilitarian design. There was a connected room that had the two way mirror looking in but the space beyond it was larger than its predecessor. More spacious with another small room to the back that was a full bathroom. They’d taken some time during their preparations to make sure the bed was made, that some of Newton’s old things were around including a small blue-tooth speaker that was hooked up to a new mp3 player with his music on it. Even this seemed to be too much for Newton to take in as he was lead by Herc who took the cuffs off once they were securely inside.

                Hermann wanted to stay. To talk with Newton just then but he was worried. Newton seemed to be struggling to even mentally grasp everything that was happening. This had, perhaps, been Hermann’s one oversight. The sheer crushing nature of being back in control of himself after so many years where he’d only been able to brush against the surface. Hermann had expected some recoil to it all as Newton recalled the things that they’d used him for, the things that had been done using him as a conduit. Just now though, before even all of that, it was the simple fact that Newton was in charge of himself. The fact that there were people that Newton clearly hadn’t expected to be there at all, much less be supporting him, taking his comfort into account.

                Herc turned once he had the cuffs off and gave Hermann a short nod before leaving them. Hermann knew that the others would stay just outside the room. Would keep watch just in case Newton slipped with the extending time since the drift. Hermann hoped that he wouldn’t slip; tried to gauge just how strong of a hold Newton still had but was just met with that overpowering sense of disbelief and a heavy weighty fatigue of someone who hasn’t truly rested in…weeks? Years? Newton had taken a few moments to look around the room before his eyes landed on Hermann again and he seemed suddenly shy.

                “H-hey…”

                “You should get some sleep, Newton.” Hermann stepped closer to him, reaching to take one of Newton’s hands in his. He was solid; he was truly there even with all that turmoil that Hermann could feel. It was an onslaught of emotion that Hermann was trying to counter balance with a sense of calm security the best he could.

                “Oh…yeah,” Newton watched their fingers link together with a hushed sort of awe. There was a flicker of something then, a memory that brought a bit of panic with it as Newton shook his head. “No, maybe that…I don’t…I don’t need to sleep actually. I think I’m fine.” _Nightmares that weren’t just nightmares…not for him…_

                “Newton, you are exhausted. You need to get some rest. You will be alright, I’ll be nearby. I’ll be here.” Hermann shook his head against the tide of fear that had risen up in Newton’s mind. He gently tugged Newton closer, getting the man to look at him with a silent insistence. Hermann’s own mind had focused on ripped notebook pages, troubled words with unsuspected meaning…a decades old clue that he’d found too late. He heard Newton’s hushed exclamation of realization as he must have caught some facsimile of Hermann’s thoughts. “I’ll know what to watch for now, Newt. We both will. You cannot avoid sleep for forever, darling.”

                “Yeah…yeah, ok, right…” Newton stepped a little closer to him, let his forehead rest against Hermann’s shoulder for a moment as they both seemed to run through small lists of apologies in their minds.

                “There will be someone always in the other room. If you need me, just call me, whatever way you can,” Hermann pressed his lips momentarily to the top of Newton’s head as he spoke. Newt made a quiet noise of understanding and Hermann sighed as he carefully pulled away. “I will be back a little later once you have gotten some rest. I am…I am so happy to have you back, Newton.”

 

                It had been difficult to pull himself away but Hermann had done so if only to try and process his own recollections. He could tell Newton was sleeping now; it seemed peaceful enough in the moment though he had understood Newton’s fear. The thought that they would wait until he was most vulnerable to try and take back control was one that Hermann couldn’t help but contemplate either. They had seemed trapped, pushed back to where they wouldn’t be able to break through to the surface so easily. It was still a possibility though; Hermann doubted that they’d just accept defeat.

                “Dr. Gottlieb?” Hermann blinked as he pulled himself from his thoughts as he heard his name. He looked up and found the others watching him with varying looks of concern. The medics had stayed back to watch Newton for the time while he rested. Aside from Tendo they’d be the best equipped to recognize any signs that Newton may be slipping since they’d become familiar with that unusual change in vitals over the last several days. Herc was looking at him with a soft frown and Hermann sat up a bit straighter.

                “Forgive me...I am perhaps a bit tired myself.” Hermann could tell they were all trying to see if there was some sign that it was more than that. The room quiet for a second before Herc gave a nod in acceptance of his response. Hermann did his best to focus on what was happening in the room around him; if something alarming arose on Newton’s side he would surely notice.

                “What do you think would be the best course of action to proceed with now that Dr. Geiszler appears to be back in control? We’re going to need to make sure he has a good hold on things before we can even broach the subject of him leaving that room for good.” Herc gave him a measured look and Hermann sighed as he tried to calculate the best options. If they had the time they needed he would prefer to take things slow. Reintroduce Newton to the world at a careful pace after ten years of being intermittently locked out of it entirely.

                “The same way we have been as much as that is possible. I will likely spend what time I can with him. Those of us who were close to him should try to get in to see him. It would likely help him more than anything to realize that he has a support system. I don’t think sheltering him from the reality that some people won’t be so accepting of him is necessarily a good idea in the long run but to start with it would likely aid him to know he has people in his corner. I also think that we should drift semi-routinely past this point.”

                “We’ll want to watch for any signs that there’s adverse effects from the drifting but I agree with Hermann. Clearly it helped, more drifting likely would continue to do so. It’s going to get tricky if the council continues to cause problems.” Tendo spoke up next to him, had continued to hover close to Hermann since they’d left Newton’s rooms.

                “Marshal Hansen and I will deal with the council. Hopefully once they find that Newton has returned to himself they will halt any of their more extreme plans to extract information from him. I believe it’s already been discussed how it will be handled if we cannot get them to see reason,” Mako said as she gave Hermann a small nod of her head. Hermann returned the gesture in acknowledgement. Not everyone in their group seemed privy to the plan Mako had made for Hermann and Newton to get away if it was needed. The envelope was tucked away, hidden in one of his drawers where he’d be able to grab it quickly if it came to them fleeing.

                “Won’t you be able to cast your vote on this now, Maks? That’d sway them away from it wouldn’t it?” Jake spoke up from the end of the table, feet propped up so they were in front of Nate despite the other’s look of annoyance. Mako gave a sigh of irritation as she shook her head.

                “Despite my return to my position over the course of the next few days I have been advised they feel it important I take my time to rest. They do not believe my decision making is clear and objective,” Mako said with a bit of ice in her voice. The council were trying to shut her out then despite letting her take back her position and title. They had used the fact that Herc was a stand in for her to keep him out of the decisions and was now using Mako’s supposed state against her now that she was returning. “In the meantime we will continue to move forward.”

 

                Newton had woken a bit suddenly with a lingering dream still muddying his reality. The dim lights in the room confused him at first but then he had realized where he was. His brain took a bit of extra time to catch up with the last ten years much less the last however many hours it had been. Too many memories, too many things that didn’t match up like skipping stones across an empty pond. Reflections of things that didn’t exist on the other side of the mirror. Newton gripped the sheets; forcibly reminding himself that he was still lying in the bed like he had been when he’d gone to sleep. He wasn’t in any of the hundreds of fleeting moments that hadn’t been him; here, he still felt like himself despite the slight buzz in the back of his mind.

                “You alright, Doc?” The voice made him jump and he instinctively reached for his glasses to see who was there despite the fact that he could see just fine. When he couldn’t find a side table, much less his glasses, the recollection came back to him. They had found his glasses…bothersome. “Sorry, Dr. Geiszler, it’s just us. Caleb and Ford; the medics?”

                “Oh, yeah…uh hi, yeah, ok. I’m okay, just…I’m okay.” He recognized that the voice was coming through the speaker now as the lights came up slowly to let his eyes adjust. They must have been doing that too. He had people in charge of his mood lighting and everything. _Are you really out of your head?_ Newton pushed back hard against that thought as he stood quickly needing to be on his feet. It was maybe a little too quickly because he felt suddenly a bit dizzy which had definitely not been the goal as he sat back down cause it was better than falling forward. He closed his eyes as he felt a thrumming beneath his skin and it took him far longer than it should have to recognize the feel of his own heartbeat pounding away beneath his collarbone.

                “Hey, Doc, just take it easy okay? I think you’re a bit disoriented.” The voice wasn’t coming through the speaker anymore and someone sat down next to him. “I’m just going to check your blood pressure real quick, okay? The little sensors don’t read that as well.” Newton took a deep breath and held out his arm as the medic carefully put a cuff around it. He looked around for a second, the world a bit steadier than it had been a moment before, and saw the second medic standing near the door watching them. “You’re running a bit high there, Doc, but it’s your rhythms and not theirs. How bout we put on some of your music for you? Give you something to focus on for a bit until Dr. Gottlieb gets down here. He was grabbing food for the two of you but he’ll be here quick.”

                “Yeah, that sounds good. That’d be good. Thanks.” Newton’s knee bounced nervously and he wasn’t real sure he could stand without that sense of vertigo again. He didn’t need to though as the second medic moved to put on some music; _A Great Big World_ started up on the speaker and Newton tried to focus on the song. “So, uh…you…you can tell my heart beat, huh? Don’t even know whether you’re Caleb or Ford and you know my heartbeat. That’s…that’s not weird at all.”

                “Well, I’m Ford and that’s Caleb. And we both know cause we’ve been helping keep track of things for about a week? Something like that. Your heart starts going off like a bouncy house full of cats when it isn’t you in command up there.” Newton gave a bit of a nervous laugh, felt a slight easing of tension, felt the slight tug of Hermann on the back of his mind. He was suddenly aware of the fact that he may very well be projecting all this over to Hermann and he tried to calm down which had the opposite effect. “Try to match my breaths, Doc. Deep breath in. Hold….and then deep breath out. That’s it.” Newton did his best, the first few times didn’t work so well, but he kind of started to get down to the same pace as Ford.

                “So you guys are like…the experts on…my biorhythms…that’s…still really fucking weird. I think I’m feeling a bit better. Hermann’s here.” Newton knew. Newton knew before Hermann had opened the door. Newton knew that Hermann was there and some of that tension running through him loosened just ever so slightly. It felt like it was the sort of relief you get when you think the ride is almost over only someone told you there were four drops and not just the three you’ve already encountered.  

                “Is everything all right?” Hermann had paused to look at them all in surprise as he found Caleb leaning by the door.

                “Hey Hermann…”

                “Hello Newton. I…did something happen?” Ford made a quiet comment reminding Newton to breathe and he realized that he had maybe stopped doing that activity. Newton took another deep breath, filling his lungs that had unexpectedly made the switch between the involuntary to the voluntary nerves on him without any notification to his brain. He took a few more deep breaths as Ford patted him on the shoulder before standing up.

                “He’ll be okay, Dr. Gottlieb. Talk to him some, give him a few moments.” Caleb spoke up as Ford joined him by the door, the two of them making to step out of the room though Newton had a feeling they would just be on the other side of the wall listening to his heartbeat. That was actually kind of comforting. Especially that it was his heartbeat. _His heartbeat had been different?_ Hermann gave a short nod though his eyes had stayed on Newton.

                Hermann looked different. Good, but different. Had Newton noticed that before? No. He hadn’t because he’d just been so fucking relieved to see him. But, he did, look good. Had Newton said that out loud or not? Things were still a bit jumbled, it had been easier right after the drift. Things had still been just too fucking much for him to comprehend even then but the world had felt a little less tilted. _Ten fucking years_. Oh, and Newton had glimpsed some of that ten years on Hermann’s end. Newton had also glimpsed more than he had wanted to of the last ten years on his own end. Hermann was sitting beside him now and all Newton could think was that he looked good and it had been ten years and he’d killed people. Newton had fucking _killed people._

                “Newton, can you tell me what you’re thinking?” Hermann spoke with confusion in his tone as he set a hand on Newton’s knee. Could _Newton_ even tell what Newton was thinking? _A young jaeger pilot; too young, shouldn’t have been a Ranger yet but he’d had to be because of him. The pilot of the helicopter that Mako had been inside. People in the streets caught off guard by his creations. One of Shao’s scientists who had realized that someone had built a back door and come to Newton because they’d trusted he’d help. His hands around Hermann’s throat…_

                **_Newton; breathe. None of that was you. Not a single one._**

                                                                _Had they ever found them?_

_Had there been anyone to look outside of Shao’s?_

_Does he even know where their bodies lie?_

                “Newton.” Hermann’s voice sounded a bit strained as he cupped Newton’s face in his hands finally managing to break him out of the line of thoughts. Hermann was staring at him with tears in his eyes and Newton felt that pain in his chest that felt a bit like drowning as he consciously reminded his body to just, please, breathe once more. Ford was in the doorway again and Newton wondered whose vitals had been strumming through him in those last few moments. Maybe it had all just stopped like his breathing had stopped and Hermann was gathering Newton up against him. Pulling him in so Newton could bury his face against his chest, let himself be lost for a bit as Newton could feel that soothing worry of Hermann’s mind.

                Hermann was humming and the music came back into focus for Newton as he closed his eyes. It must have been on shuffle, _A Great Big World_ had been replaced by something that Newton couldn’t quite pinpoint right away despite it being his own playlists. He pressed his ear against Hermann’s chest, listened to his soft reverberations along with the lyrics of the song. _Oooh Child, things are gonna get easier…_ Hermann shifted back on the bed, tugging Newton along with him so they could lean back against the wall. Newton curled up, moving so his legs rested over Hermann’s lap as he stayed encompassed in his arms.

                “Are you feeling better?” Hermann’s voice broke away from the song and Newton nodded his head lightly. His lungs seemed to have gone back to their involuntary nervous system where he didn’t need to remind himself that breathing was a thing. That thrum of his own pulse beneath his skin had calmed to the point it wasn’t such a driving force beneath his collarbone. The thoughts were still there. _The memories._ The things done by the ones who had been pulling the strings. _Someday, yeah, we’ll get it together and we’ll get it all done…_

                “Yeah. Sorry…I was disoriented. I-Ten years is a long time.” Newton had to swallow against the lump in his throat that was trying to push all those emotions up once again. “How are you?” Hermann gave a soft breathy sort of laugh that seemed to be tinted with a bit of relief. Newton felt Hermann’s cheek rest against the top of his head, the two of them sitting with Hermann still just holding on to him so securely.

                “I am fine, Newton, now that I know you are alright.”

                “Yeah…sorry…”

                “Do not apologize. No one said this would be simple.” Newton sat for a long time in silence, listening to Hermann’s own heartbeat. He’d had every intention of being the expert of that particular biorhythm once. Newton apparently had an entire gala of people who were intimately familiar with his drumming beats. “What are you thinking?” That seemed to be the question of the day.

                “If anyone has your biorhythms memorized.” Hermann made a quiet noise that didn’t really tell Newton anything. Hermann’s heartbeat had sped up slightly in his chest and Newton had to remind his lungs to breathe again for just a second. _Ten years is a really long time…_ “I lost a lot. You can lose a lot in ten years.”

                “Yes, you can. But that doesn’t mean all of it is lost for good. You had time stolen away from you, Newton, but that doesn’t mean you cannot regain some of the things that were left behind.” Newton shifted, pulling away from Hermann who seemed a bit hesitant to let him go. Newton didn’t stray far, Hermann was kind of his lifeline at the moment, but he did sit up so he wasn’t leaning so heavily on him. So he could look Hermann in the face.

                “Some of the things I…” Newton stopped, had to forcibly rearrange his brain for a second as Hermann looked at him expectantly, “Some of the things they did. I don’t know how to parcel it all…how to dissect myself out of that equation. I don’t feel like I can…without cutting out bits of myself along with them. It’s all my face, my hands, my voice. Maybe just tweaked a little, just shifted that tiny bit to the left, that lag behind the mainframe that gave away the virus running behind the scenes…When the entire system is infected how do you go back and piece out what belongs and what doesn’t?” Newton looked at Hermann though he didn’t really expect an answer. Hermann was staring back at him with a sadness that just was a little too much especially since Newton could feel it leaking through. Maybe it was his sadness infecting Hermann instead? “Sorry.”

                “You have only just managed to get free of them, Newton. We will work on how to parse things together; it will take some time. Ten years _is_ a long time but you will not be alone as you try to navigate this.” Newton tried to adjust his glasses only to almost smack himself in the eye when they weren’t there. He glanced at Hermann and tried to fix on the version of him that was sitting there now; to get through the dissonance that wanted to make him see a copy that no longer existed. Hermann looked a little older; his hair was different; he was wearing an old t-shirt beneath his button up that actually, scandalously, had a few buttons undone.

                Newton wasn’t the Newton from ten years ago but Hermann wasn’t that Hermann either. Newton reached forward with the intention of tugging Hermann’s collar aside enough to see what the t-shirt was. He became aware that Hermann had stilled, that Hermann was the one who seemed to be holding his breath and Newton froze as he looked up to meet his eyes. There was a moment of realization as Newton shrunk away, separated himself from Hermann to scoot back to the edge of the bed.

                “Guess I won’t be the only one that has to do some parsing…” It wasn’t accusatory, hell, Newton completely understood. He just hadn’t thought…he had just wanted…. He could tell Hermann was already feeling guilty which only really made Newton feel that much worse because _he understood_ Hermann’s moment of uncertainty. The fear. They sat avoiding each other’s eyes for a long moment before Hermann shifted to move up next to him, closing the distance between them once more. Hermann always seemed to be the one that closed the distances between them.

                “Yes, you will not be the only one that will need to remember what is compared to what was. And that is why we will work on this together.” Hermann took Newton’s hands in his and brought them up to the collar of his shirt. Newton hesitated, felt that thrum of blood through vessels and arteries once more, before he delicately pinched the fabric of Hermann’s collar between his fingers. Hermann let go of his wrists, dropped his hands to Newton’s thighs in a show of trust, as Newton leaned close to peak down at the t-shirt.

                “Ha. Incubus. That’s my shirt, dude.” There was a small moment of actual elation in there somewhere. Hermann was wearing his old clothes, had Newton seen Hermann in the shirt before? _Yes? No? Yes. When he talked about the letters…_ Newton let go of Hermann’s collar, dropping his hands only to find Hermann’s fingers intertwining with his almost immediately. **_I will catch you._** _You will catch me._

                “Yes, I…thought perhaps it would serve as a good luck charm for earlier. I’m a bit fond of it now, truth be told.”

                “It looks good on you.”

                “Thank you.” Hermann let go of his left hand for a moment to reach up and brush at a fleck of something on his shirt before they both realized it a bit of dried blood from earlier. For maybe the first time since waking up Newton felt heavily grounded in his own body, in the feel of his skin that was sticky and uncomfortable with old sweat. The scruff of a beard and the mess of hair left unwashed for just a bit too long. His shirt, aside from that bit of blood, at least wasn’t too bad as Newton recalled struggled wardrobe changes. The sensation of prickling skin as Newton became more aware of just how stale he felt must have come through on Hermann’s end as a momentary look of prim disgust that had once been reserved for when Newton was elbow deep in viscera crossed Hermann’s face. For his part Hermann tried to wipe that look away quickly.

                “I think I might go shower.” Newton felt hyper aware now that he seemed to have connected with the issue in his mind. Was he going to keep doing this? Becoming aware of himself, of his own body and functions, like they were foreign concepts. Have to readjust his frame of mind to suit the sudden realization that human sensations were once more a thing. They weren’t just filtered fragments often meant to wound more than anything else.

 **“** Of course,” Hermann said gently though he held onto Newton’s hand for a bit longer. “I will likely go and get the food I had intended to bring down before....” He trailed off for a second though there really wasn’t any need to say it. “It is late and I don’t believe you’ve eaten since yesterday.” Newton wasn’t certain if he felt hungry or not but he just nodded his head because if he hadn’t eaten since that unusual and laborious concept of yesterday and it was already that extraneous timeframe of late it seemed he likely did need to eat. Strange how it only took a decade lost to cause a disconnection to the concept of time.

               

                Looking at himself in the mirror was a sort of weird exercise on trying to not dissociate. Not to picture them looking back at him; he definitely remembered those moments where his own face had sneered back at himself in the early days where he just couldn’t understand why he was doing the things he was doing. He carefully peeled the shirt off and stood looking at the carefully arranged swirls of colors on his torso, the tattoos that he’d gotten to mark their small victories against lumbering genetically manufacturing things. _And isn’t that just ironic…The Kaiju Groupie became one of them…_ Newton shook the thought loose from his mind and finished stripping down and removing the little monitor pads that seemed fused to him due to being in place for so long. He took a second to work up to it and then half threw himself into the shower. He was afraid if he thought too long on the act of standing beneath the water he’d back out.

                _There are things below the surface of the water._ The hot water was a shock to his system that left him gasping and those last lingering manipulative thoughts that may have been his or may have been something more were wiped clean. He hadn’t needed to be worried that the shower would trigger some persistent memory response of swimming beneath depths that he’d never seen. Instead it made him feel more grounded than before; made every nerve ending of his body jump alive at the sensation that melted through him. This was him; this was his skin electric and warm as he wrapped his arms around himself and stood beneath the cascade. It was just another thing that was almost just too much for him but he relished in it this time. The feel of heat warming his extremities where he hadn’t known the cold had lingered; strange new dips and curves in his body that had once been softer and fuller but that had disappeared over the time he’d not been him.

                He eventually grabbed the soap that had been left for him and he scrubbed at every inch of himself. He may have scrubbed a bit too hard but he felt like he was clearing away their touch, their hold on him as he washed away grim and sweat, exfoliated away old layers of skin. He had to bite back a soft cry of pain as he scrubbed at his wrists and he felt a mild reprimand somewhere in that Hermann shaped section of his mind. His wrists were the worst of it from the bindings though there were chafed patches of skin near where he’d been bound on his ankles and around his waist. He set the soap aside, content that he’d cleaned as well as he would be able to without causing actual damage to himself.

                He shampooed his hair next which was an experience all of its own as he scratched as his scalp with the suds. They hadn’t exactly kept him unhygienic when they’d been in control; they had probably had him preened more than he ever would have. But the last…section of indescribable time where he’d been locked up in that single room had allowed a layer of gross to build up. _How long had that been? A couple of days? A few months?_ He’d been more aware during that time than he had in a long while but he still couldn’t quite pin down the cycles of the days.

                Newton stood under the water to let the shampoo be washed out of his hair. Let it run down over his shoulders, back, arms and legs and wiggling toes. Accidentally let it get into his eyes but didn’t care even though it really did kind of sting because it _felt_ like something. He felt like _something._ _Someone._ _Human._ Newton only climbed out of the shower once the water started to turn cold on him and he grabbed the towel only to once more scrub at himself to get dry and remind him this was his skin and body and synapses firing through nerves. He found a pair of regulation pajamas hanging on the door that he didn’t think had been there before. Maybe Hermann had left them? Or he’d been too stuck in the middle of himself to have noticed them before? Either way Newton slipped into them; finding the fabric a bit too stiff and a bit too itchy and they were perfect.

                Newton exited the bathroom feeling completely different than he had when he’d entered it. Out in the rest of the room he found Hermann apparently back with trays carefully laid out on the bed though he was looking troubled. Newton thought his heart may have skipped a beat as he watched him for the second it took Hermann to process that Newton was there. Newton wondered if his living, breathing life alert monitors in the other room had seen that. Then he remembered he’d taken the little monitoring pads off to shower and was maybe a little relieved they wouldn’t have seen it because that had been a private missing beat of his heart.

                “I will see about getting you a table so you do not have to eat in your bed. For tonight this will have to do. How are you feeling? Do the pajamas fit? I wasn’t certain what size you would need considering…” Hermann seemed like the nervous one now as he fussed lightly with his over shirt. He had unbuttoned it; Incubus was now in clear view on the t-shirt beneath and Newton smiled a little. Hermann Gottlieb was wearing band shirts. Hermann Gottlieb was wearing _his_ shirt after all these years. Hermann wasn’t his anymore; was he? _Ten years is a long time…_

                “Uh, yeah, dude they’re good. Perfect. It’s all perfect…” _You’re perfect._ Newton looked down at himself to check the status of the pajamas and, so, maybe they were a little big but he didn’t feel the need to change his prognosis. When he lifted his head up he found Hermann smiling at him with a fond expression that made Newton suddenly very aware of the heat in his cheeks and he gave a soft laugh full of nerves. That was a weird sensation too. Newton was torn between wanting to get past this stage of stuff feeling new that shouldn’t or hoping he never actually got past this weird exploratory phase where small things were big wonders.

                “You’re feeling better.” Hermann hadn’t come closer to him, seemed to be waiting for Newton to decide he wanted to close the space between them this time. Newton nodded, shuffled forward as he found the walk button in his mind and without even consciously thinking it he reached out to take Hermann’s hand once he was close enough. Hermann held on tightly in return; giving Newton’s hand a light squeeze as they both stood seeming timid before Newton cleared his throat to try and speak.

                “Hi.” Newton was going to have to start saying more than that at some point but Hermann was a tenth wonder and Newton was a…Newton was something undefined for the time being. Hello would have to suffice just then. Hermann just looked at him fondly once more and Newton just hoped really hard that somehow being possessed by asshole aliens for a decade hadn’t made this a thing that couldn’t be anymore. In all that time Newton hadn’t ever stopped. Newton was incapable of stopping when it came to Hermann. Ten years felt like five seconds; felt like he’d blinked and things had jumped ahead but that feeling was still fresh in his heart.

                “Hello, Newton. Would you like to eat?” Newton nodded and he let himself be lead to the bed so they could carefully sit. He had to swallow as he realized his mouth was watering at the prospect of actual food; how long had it been since he’d eaten? How long had it been since he’d experienced food? However long it had been; Newton dug in because he was hungry and despite it just being the food from the cafeteria he thought it tasted amazing. Hermann ate along with him though at a slower pace that was probably a more normal pace for people to eat at.

                “So…uh…ten years huh…” Newton had had so much he wanted to say to Hermann when he was still stuck. Had talked to him about so many things when he was just a voice echoing around in some back corner of his confined mind. Why was it so hard to find the proper way to talk to him now? Maybe it would be easier not to talk but he knew that it wasn’t great to rely on the drift either. Just because you drifted doesn’t mean you don’t have to still say it. “That’s a long time….right?”

                “Yes…it is.” Hermann gave him a little frown and Newton knew that he’d thrown Hermann off with his questioning tone. “Do you…does it feel to you that that much time has passed?” Newton thought on this for a moment trying to pin down just what it had felt like. Just how had he processed the movement of time when he was…whatever Newton had been. Definitions were a tricky thing.

                “It feels like no time passed at all and at the same time it sort of feels like eons have flashed past. I…It’s hard to explain because like I can remember things from before they took control and that will feel like it was just this morning or last week. But at the same time I remember things from…well, things that happened a lot more recently than that and it all feels like that was centuries ago. They’re all faded edges and blurred peripherals; only the things I think they wanted me to know cause they could use it against me are clear in any way. I think their last little trick was to make sure some of those things were maybe a little too clear…”

                 Newton trailed off as he stared down at the tray of food. _Mashed potatoes, meatloaf, broccoli, ketchup, a Jaeger pilot too young, a helicopter pilot, hands around Hermann’s throat…_ Newton startled just a little as Hermann’s hand came to rest on his. He looked up and realized he’d been doing it again as he took a breath that his lungs hadn’t taken on their own.

                “I know it must be difficult but you must try not to dwell on those specific memories. I understand your need to process everything but with you having just regained control…Perhaps we should talk about some of the old times. The ones that belong solely to you.” Newton shoved a piece of broccoli in his mouth, this time more for the option to be doing something that would excuse him from speaking for a moment. Because that was hard too. Even if his perception of time was distorted in a drastic manner he completely understood how much had changed since that day sitting on the beach. He was reminded by every difference in Hermann; by every difference in his own body.

                “I don’t think I can be the same as I was.” Newton blurted it out the moment he’d swallowed the mouthful of broccoli. It went down his throat in a hard lump like it and the words had clashed along the way. Hermann pulled away some at his comment, a hesitant look on his face, and Newton tried to grasp at what straws he had to figure out what Hermann was thinking. Hermann had always been better at that control of what passed between them in the remains of the ghost drift. Maybe that’s why they had chosen Newton; he wasn’t as good at shutting things out.

                “I do not expect you to be; just as I am not the same as I was,” Hermann said in a measured tones; hands resting in his own lap with that space between them. “As you have said, ten years is a long time, things do tend to change especially given the circumstances.” Newton focused on Hermann’s hands then, the long and delicate fingers, his wrists that had always seemed a bit thin though Newton knew that Hermann’s arms were strong and steady.

                “I understand…if there is…was…is someone else. I really appreciate that you still wanted to help…that you still cared.”

                “Newton, of course I still care. Nothing would have stopped me from helping you once I realized what had happened…” Hermann looked surprised and maybe a bit sad. Newton tried to hide his feelings by taking another bite of the mashed potatoes despite the fact he was starting to feel like he’d get sick if he ate more. The tray was only partially finished but it seemed that those new planes and angles of his body were, in fact, the external evidence of the internal shrinking of his stomach due to how little he apparently had been eating. Hermann gave a quiet sigh though he seemed to relax some. “I will not lie and say there were not others during the last decade. You would know that I am lying and it would be unfair even if you couldn’t tell. In the end, however, I realized that I couldn’t quite get to the point where I was able to parcel _you_ away despite it all. My love for you was twofold because it was also that memory of your love for me. In the end I could never get past that hope; that knowledge that you _did_ love me as well. Of the things we had shared in the drift and those few months afterwards.”

                “I was shit to you…” Newton said quietly; feeling that tension building that had broken out of him when they’d taken him out of that cell and Tendo had pulled him into the first real meaningful bit of human contact he’d had as himself.

                “ _They._ Not you. And, yes, they were not overly welcoming or kind. They put on just enough of a show to make it so I didn’t question too much. There were moments though throughout the years. Tiny moments where I’d catch you looking at me during one of our minimal encounters. It reminded me of back then and it was enough to reignite that hope. Moments that I now believe were _you_ looking at me. Do you remember any of those?” Hermann cupped Newton’s chin with his hand and tilted his head back so Newton would look at him. Newton wasn’t certain if he was immensely depressed at the thought that Hermann apparently would have held onto the hope for an indefinite amount of time or overwhelmed at the fact that maybe this meant Hermann really did still love him. Newton tried to focus on the question and caught a quick flicker like film moving a bit too slowly of Hermann in different moments over the years. Quick glimpses when Newton would have been having one of those silent conversations in his mind and for a second it was as though Hermann maybe had heard him.

                “Yeah…yeah, I think so. I tried…talking to you a lot…sometime it seemed like I’d get something through but…” Hermann was carefully wiping away his tears as he spoke and Newton for the third time reached for his glasses with the thought of taking them off to avoid getting smudges on them; only to once more find them missing. That just made him sob a bit harder and Hermann was pushing the trays of food out of the way and pulling him into another close embrace. “I’m a mess I’m sorry…”

                “You have every right to feel out of sorts, Newt. I cannot imagine how much this is for you to take in. We will get through this and I look forward to learning who you are now. I will do everything I can to help you figure that out as well.”

 

                It was extremely late and Hermann was exhausted by the time that Newton had fallen asleep. Hermann had managed to calm Newton down after some time and they had sat for a long time simply in silence as they stayed curled up together. Hermann hoped some more rest would help; would even Newton out some from that wildly shifting current that Hermann had felt in the back of his mind. The medics had come in when they seemed to realize that Newton was going to drift off and managed to convince him to place on some new monitoring pads. If the Precursors tried to take back control that change in vitals would likely be their first warning.

                Tendo was sitting in the room now, feet up on the table as he nursed a cup of coffee. Hermann sat down beside him; the lights in Newton’s room were low and Hermann could see that steady heartbeat on the computer screen. Hermann pressed his thumb into a knot that had formed above his left knee from the position they’d been sitting in earlier with a wince. Tendo noticed it and dropped his own legs from the desk to pat his lap. Hermann gave a sigh, hesitated while Tendo gave him an expectant look. Tendo helped Hermann carefully lifted his legs so they were resting across Tendo’s.

                “It’s been a long day, brother,” Tendo said as he handed his mug to Hermann to hold and then found that knot quickly and with skill. Tendo massaged at it as they both looked through the window and Hermann took a sip of Tendo’s coffee. “Don’t drink too much of that. I’m going to need it and you should plan on going to get some sleep here soon.”

                “I don’t know how you expect to me to sleep after the way today has gone,” Hermann said with a heavy sigh that developed into a yawn. He was extremely tired and yet the thought of letting Newton out of his sight seemed impossible. Ever since Hermann had felt that sudden crushing panic when Newton had first woken up he’d felt immensely guilty for not being there for him in those minutes.

                “This wasn’t ever going to be easy, brother. If it was I’d have a hard time believing it. It is still him though and he’ll work through it. We’ll help him work through it until _he_ feels like himself again.” Hermann closed his eyes as Tendo pressed into that knot for a long second trying to get it to release for him.

                “Would it have been too much to ask that this be easier on him?” Tendo made a soft noise of agreement with this. If anyone deserved for things to go smoothly after all that he’d been through it was Newton. Hermann had felt so many things flicker past in the back of his mind. That overwhelmed sense of awe from just after their drift had been like the tip of an iceberg that was now being uncovered as it crashed into Newton’s mental hulls. “Are you planning on staying all night?”

                “At least for a few hours. Raleigh said he’d come down and keep an eye out later. They were still dealing with the council. A bunch of old men making decisions without understanding all the details.”

                “You do realize that some would call us ‘old men’.”

                “Pah, speak for yourself,” Tendo said with an incredulous tone that made Hermann chuckle. He forced himself to open his eyes again before he fell asleep where he was sitting. Tendo was looking at him; his hands no longer working on trying to relieve some of the tension in Hermann’s knee. “How are you feeling, brother? We haven’t really gotten the chance to talk about it. How the drift went?” Hermann took another sip of coffee and Tendo raised an eyebrow at him before motioning for the mug back. Hermann reluctantly handed it over knowing he would need to get some sleep.

                “It…” Hermann tried to gather the words to describe that surreal space that had been Newton’s mind. “They were very deeply entrenched but having pulled some of the memories up to the surface beforehand seemed to have helped. I was able to follow them to him; they seem to be locked out for now.” Hermann gave up on being able to explain it all, at least for now, at least for today. “As far as how I am feeling; as you stated it has been an extremely long day.”

                “That it has. Which is why you should head up and get some rest, my man. I’ll be here for a while longer. We’ll let you know if he needs you. Hopefully by morning you’ll both be feeling a bit steadier on your feet.”


	9. Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton's second day back to himself has an old friend visiting. Hermann continues his work with Liwen Shao for their weapon to use against the Precursors once they figure out how to open the breach. They get the news that they'll have an unwelcome visitor soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I now have a wonderful beta reader for this fic. The wonderful Pickleplum will be beta'ing from here on out to help me ensure that the chapters are the best they can be! She writes awesome fics of her own that you can find [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pickleplum/pseuds/pickleplum). 
> 
> This chapter title is from "After the Storm" by Mumford and Sons.

           Loud music. Loud fucking music. The level that once had left his ears ringing as he broke out of some rundown bar pleasantly buzzed and floating on the musical high. It was what Newton had decided he needed after a drawn out morning that he wasn’t even really certain _was_ morning. He was stuck in his room alone for the most part though the medic…Caleb, had brought him some food earlier. Newton had been hoping it’d be Hermann, could feel in the back of his mind that Hermann wished it was him bringing his meal down too but Hermann was working on _something._ Something Newton wasn’t apparently allowed to know about in his delicate state of formerly possessed.

            The loud music was for _them,_ the things hiding somewhere in the back of his head. He had felt them in that early morning fog probing at the surface, trying to find their way back into his mind. To reach through that murky layer and find a way to wield control of him once again. It hadn’t yielded to them though, Newton had stayed solidly in control though it left him with a haunted feeling lingering in that quiet room that had only a few minor remnants of who he’d been placed around. But the music…

            He’d tried just playing it out of the speaker at first, turning it up as loudly as that little device could manage but that hadn’t felt like enough. He’d yelled at Caleb to ask if they could play it over the loudspeakers of the room like they’d done in the other cell before Newton was really Newton. Caleb had calmly reminded him that they could hear Newton just fine if he just talked at a normal level. Caleb had agreed though and seemed to understand Newton’s desire for ear splitting levels as he sang out loud to fill his mind with those words. Hermann was working on _something_ and Newton knew that Hermann was now mildly but fondly agitated at the level of noise filtering through from Newton’s end.

            Newton was lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling as some Chumbawumba song pounded through the speakers in a way that made his ribcage shake. He was doing his concentrated best to keep his own curiosity on just what the something Hermann was working on was because he knew deep down beneath it all there was the Precursor’s curiosity. Newton wasn’t really sure how permeable that mental membrane keeping them out was. Hermann was working on _something_ and it was important and big. Newton sat up when the music suddenly cut out and Caleb’s voice came from over the speaker.

            “Hey Dr. Geiszler, you have a visitor but we were also thinking Ford could come in at the same time and take a look at your wrists?” Caleb’s voice spoke from the speakers as Newton straightened his glasses and frowned. He glanced down at his wrists that were still red and raw from the bindings to the chair. He had been his best not to pick or poke at them though they sent a bit of a stinging sensation up through his arm from time to time. Newton knew that his visitor wasn’t Hermann because he could tell through that link that Hermann was still occupied elsewhere. It wasn’t that he had some sort of built in Hermann radar but Newton would definitely know if he was about to come into the room.

            “Oh, ok,” Newton said realizing that the long pause with nothing happening was meant for him to fill. “And…and can you call me Newton. Only my mom calls me doctor.” _They insisted on the use of his title._ Or was that maybe carry over from Hermann? Newton frowned as he tried to pin things down and could feel something press against the minimal mental protections he had. Right, not going to think too hard on that course. Memories were touchy at best but attempting to feel out that barrier between _them_ and him seemed to be a big no-no.

            “Will do, Newton,” Caleb’s voice said as there was a slight hum as the door unlocked and opened. Ford stepped in first but he was followed by Tendo who was carrying a cup in each hand. He was relieved because it was Tendo and Tendo was someone he understood being here. Helping him. They had been friends and Newton really hoped that maybe they would be again. It was that uncertainty that had Newton nervous as he tried to give Tendo a smile that wasn’t shaky and fearful. _What if, despite what he had said last time, Tendo couldn’t get move past what Newton had done._

            “Hey brother, you alright?” Newton looked up and realized that he had zoned out watching Tendo walk over to him. Ford had set down a kit next to him on the bed and he gave Newton a quick smile as he opened it up. Tendo had one of the cups of coffee held out to him and was giving Newton a little worried frown as he waited for it to be taken. Newton felt a flush of embarrassment come over him as he took the offered cup between his hands carefully so he couldn’t spill it even with the lid on top. Newton made a concentrated effort to plant himself in the present. He didn’t have to be lost in his head anymore, he was the one running this show now. Tendo sat down beside him on the edge of the bed and took a sip of his own cup. Newton mimicked the gesture, sipping tentatively at the drink and finding it was coffee prepared just how he liked it.

            “Did I remember how to make it? I wasn’t sure if you would still prefer it the old way but-“

            “Yeah, it’s great. Thank you,” Newton said as he took another sip because, really, it was perfect. It was warm and full of cream and sugar; each flavor seemed distinct and bright mixed in with the earthy taste of the coffee. Tendo seemed satisfied as he waited for Newton to take another long gulp of the coffee with a fond look of amusement on his face. Ford had pulled some antiseptic wipes, some sort of cream and some bandages from the kit.

            “This okay, Newton?” Ford paused as he indicated towards one of Newton’s hands. Newton blinked for a second as he tried to keep up with things. Ford and Tendo seemed to share a look and Newton felt a tiny bit of panic. He felt like he had to act right, had to _be_ like something he had a hard time remembering how to be. “We don’t have to do this right now but it’d be best if we got your wrists some attention. They got pretty torn up and we don’t want you to get an infection.”

            “Yeah…yeah, it’s fine. It’s good.” Newton took another sip of the coffee, letting the flavors overwhelm his senses before offering one of his arms out to Ford. The medic gave him warning that it’d like sting before he started to work on cleaning up and bandaging Newton’s wrist. The strange feel of gloved hands touching his skin was just as startling to him as the taste of coffee or the sting of antiseptic. Tendo leaned to place his coffee cup down by his feet as he pulled a small bag he had slung over his shoulder into his lap.

            “I brought you some things.” Newton tried to focus on the distraction as Tendo dug through the bag and pulled a few things free of it as Newton watched. “A lot of the stuff in the apartment didn’t seem like you but there were a few things that I knew belonged to you. I also got you a few things that I figured you might like to have around.” His wrist throbbed a bit with the attention; enough so that Newton felt tears come to his eyes but he tried to push them back. Tried not to pull away from Ford who was trying to help even if Newton’s fight or flight wanted to kick in. Pain had been one of the few things they’d filtered straight to him as they shut him off from his other senses.

            “So the notebook’s a new one but I know you liked to write things down before. I figured it’d give you something to write and draw in if you wanted to?” Tendo held the notebook out so Newton could see it. The cover was a mimic of some old treasure map like detail with a sturdy binding. _Desperate writings in old notebooks; pen pressed hard into page. Notes tossed into the trash, the fire, the ocean…gone gone gone…_  “You’re safe here, you know that? We’re going to keep you safe.” _They can’t keep you safe._ Newton swallowed roughly and he felt a different presence in his mind as Hermann reached out for him. **_We will keep you safe._** Another burning long gulp of coffee down his throat. **_Letters in the mail, sincerely’s turning into dearly’s turning into shared lab spaces and years of yearning._** Hermann’s memories pushed into his mind and Newton took a breath.

            “Yeah,” Newton said weakly to Tendo after a pause that was probably far more drawn out than was comfortable. Tendo set the notebook behind them on the bed, there if Newton wanted it but clearly making it his choice if he really wanted it or not. Ford indicated he was ready to bandage Newton’s other wrist and Newton fumbled for a moment to figure out what to do with his coffee before Tendo carefully took it from him to set besides his. Newton realized a bit too late that he could have just switched it to his other hand now that it was free. There was a strange impulse now though to reach out, press a hand against Ford’s shoulder to feel that he was solidly there, to lean against Tendo and bury himself there against him to feel that strange living electric feel that seemed to be moving along his arms where Ford’s gloved hands had brushed.

            “…there were a lot of these in one of the boxes. A couple of books too that seemed like they were probably yours. I’ll leave them for you to take a look at, brother.” _Buttons pinned onto bags and jackets. Books full of fantastic creatures and magic._ Tendo had been talking and Newton hadn’t really been listening. Newton took a breath. His lungs were trying to do that thing again where breathing wasn’t completely compulsory. Maybe that was just going to be a thing from now on. “Now these I know are yours.” Newton turned his focus to Tendo as the man held something out towards him. Three leather bracelets; worn straps that had once stayed firmly in place on his left wrist as much a part of him as his tattoos.

            “All done, Newton. We’ll want to change the bandages from time to time.” Newton was aware of the words but he was frowning down at the bracelets as he reached over to touch them. When had he taken them off? When had _they_ taken them off? Ford was packing up the kit as Tendo let Newton take the bracelets to run them between his fingers. Leather soft with age and wear.

            “Do you want me to help put them on?” _Yeah, that’d be great._ Newton met Tendo’s eyes as he sat and waited patiently. Newton took the chance to study Tendo’s face for a long while, noted where the ten years had added some wrinkles and just the slightest hint of grey in his hair. He was still wearing ridiculous bowties, was still wearing equally ridiculous suspenders though Tendo had always managed to pull off the look. He still did. Newton blinked and Ford was gone from the room and Tendo was looking at him a little sadly.

            “Yeah…yeah that’d be great.” Newton said it again, thought he had already said it. Newton still wasn’t really sure when he was talking out loud instead of just thinking his conversations. Tendo nodded, took the first bracelet back to unclasp it. They sat as Tendo carefully put each bracelet in its place over the bandage that Ford had just put in place. Tendo made gentle and caring touches to Newton’s arm and hand as he worked that brought that odd current back to life beneath his skin.  Newton wanted touch, his nerve endings tingled and seemed to come alive beneath it. _They_ hadn’t enjoyed being close to others, touching people. How long had it been since he’d been close to someone else for that simple need to have physical contact with someone else to be this strong? For the smallest touch to feel so foreign?

            Newton found himself scooting a bit closer to Tendo, leaning against him a bit more and when Tendo had the last bracelet in in place he let his hand linger next to Newton’s as though he sensed that need. Newton hardly hesitated to take Tendo’s hand in his, to link their fingers together and to hold onto Tendo as firmly as Tendo held onto him.

            “Back where they belong, my man.” Tendo tapped at the bracelets with his free hand; his voice was full of emotion as he spoke.

            “Yeah, back where they belong.” Newton hesitated for just a second longer before letting himself lean against Tendo’s side solidly. Tendo let go of his hand only to wrap his arm around Newton’s shoulders and hold him there. Newton’s vision went a bit blurry as the tears started up. He marveled at the fact that he even had tears left to spare after the previous day. Newton forced a breath once more as he desperately tried to not dissolve completely into that all-encompassing sense of sadness. A flash of red caught his eye as Tendo shifted to pat his knee lightly in comfort. Newton reached forward to roll one of the beads with his fingertips, the carefully carved initials darkened with time.

            “You really still think of me as family?” Newton was a bit worried he hadn’t actually vocalized the words but Tendo gave him a gentle squeeze and answered him.

            “Of course, brother. Once you're family you’re always family.” Newton glanced up a bit shyly towards Tendo; they had laughed easily together once. Had talked and joked during long nights, drank their fair share of alcohol and Tendo had been his supplier of items to endlessly tease Hermann with. Colored chalk, an abacus in place of his computer, little suction darts shot from toy bows. Both of them sat now with tears in their eyes and Newton not really sure he could laugh anymore. _He had done so many things._ “Do you remember trying to call?”

            “Yeah…” _Hey Allison, is Tendo there?_ “I thought maybe I’d be able to say it to you. That something was wrong.” _No, no everything’s fine. In fact, I met someone._ “I couldn’t even dial Hermann at that point but I’d gotten Allie on the phone and I thought maybe.” _Her name? Her name is Allisssss…Alice. Isn’t that funny?_ “I think that was one of the last times I really managed to get much control. Did I freak Allison out? I didn’t mean to…I just didn’t know what to do…”

            “She was worried. We both were. But you never answered the phone when I tried back and after a while when we could tell you were…We shouldn’t have stopped calling, Newt. We should have kept trying.”

            “No…no, it was good you did. If they had decided you were too persistent…they weren’t above hurting people.”

            “Newton…Hermann’s right, you know? Whatever they may have done while in control isn’t on you.” Newton sighed, filled his lungs so they pressed against his aching heart as he wished he could bring himself to fully believe that.

            “How is Allison? And Mac?” Newton changed the subject because he couldn’t dwell on that too long. Hermann was right, lingering on those memories didn’t do him any good as he felt a tremor run down his spine. He sat up a little straighter though didn’t pull away from Tendo as he wiped at his eyes.

            “They’re good. God, Mac has grown so much, brother. Do you want to see pictures?” Tendo went with him, switched the subject without protest in that easy way that had always defined him. Tendo pulled away a little to dig his phone out of his pocket though he kept a hand on Newton’s shoulder.

            “Yeah, yeah I’d love that actually.” Tendo thumbed through his phone until he had a picture selected. Newton was pulled close again as he looked down at the screen and found Allison and Mac as he remembered them. A chubby little baby dressed in an onesie that had ‘For’ and picture of a fox and then ‘Sake’ on it. Allison with her hair up in a perfect victory rolls, large retro sunglasses on as they sat in a park somewhere. Tendo started to scroll through photos, every now and then making a comment about what was happening or where they were as Newton watched the Choi family grow in front of him. Allison and Tendo both aged in small ways but Mac grew in leaps and bounds. A photo of the kid walking with Tendo holding his hands to keep him from falling.

            Mac went through a cat phase, a unicorn phase, something that looked like a princess superhero phase and finally a Prince phase. In the ‘Artist Formerly Known As’ sense. Newton sat and marveled at the picture of this little Tendo look alike dressed in a miniature purple suit acting like they were strumming away at a guitar.

            “They wanted to be Prince for Halloween last year. I’m pretty sure none of their friends even knew who Prince was,” Tendo was saying with a soft laugh. Newton gave a quiet noise that almost sounded like a laugh as he leaned to look a bit closer. There was this little rockstar that he remembered only being a baby who had grown up without know all the fighting and war that had been the world for so many years. There was this precocious little ten year old dressing up as fucking Prince and Newton hadn’t gotten to see any of this in real time. “They talk about you a lot.”

            “They do? They don’t even know who I am?” Newton frowned in confusion as Tendo gave him a small smile.

            “Well, maybe not in person, but I’m pretty sure Uncle Newt has been on every ‘name a hero’ list they’ve had to do for school. We’ve made sure they know who you are. Like I said, you’re family. We didn’t understand what happened, why you had pulled away. I wish we had…that we’d been there to help so much sooner than this. But you never stopped being family in our minds.”

 

            Hermann’s morning had been a strange exercise in walking a very thin line. They were running their first experiments with the eudialyte to see if their plan was even feasible. It wasn’t something he’d been willing to miss given its importance to the overall mission but he’d regretted not getting the opportunity to check in with Newton. The thin line he was having to walk was between paying focused attention on the experiment while also dealing with the feedback from Newton in the back of his mind. It had almost seemed like he’d been back in the lab working with the man as the carryover of loud music had bombarded him. Hermann had watched the first reaction that had fizzled after a minor burst of energy with the background soundtrack of Green Day.

            After adjusting and recalculating the required concentration they ran a second experiment that had gone along with the music of Weezer. This second attempt was more successful as it yielded an explosion that rocked the bomb calorimeter slightly. Liwen had given an excited cheer as Hermann kept his own thoughts on lockdown as he felt a hint of probing curiosity. Even if it was just Newton curious about what he was working on Hermann couldn’t be safe sharing it with him. Not yet but hopefully after a bit more time. Right now it was too big of a risk that the information would slip through to the Precursors and they’d have time to plan against their offensive strike. They already knew one was coming or at least being worked on. The details needed to be kept under lock and key.

            Despite the distraction Hermann was concerned when the music finally cut off as he worked with Liwen to scale up what they would need to an efficient bomb. They would need to test the secondary reaction with the kaiju blue next to ensure that the silicon-slurry from the initial reaction would be able to carry over to react with it after the initial explosion. That would have to be carefully contained and monitored before they could move forward. The kaiju blue was dangerous to work with and an explosion using it would need careful planning. In the middle of Motion City Soundtrack the music had come to an abrupt halt though and Hermann’s focus had been dragged away from the balancing of equations. Hermann tried to figure out what was going on as Newton’s anxiety had spiked and after a moment he got a name to the worry. _Tendo._

            “Dr. Gottlieb?” Liwen placed a hand on his arm and it dragged him back to his own surroundings. Tendo had mentioned he would like to stop and see Newton and Hermann had agreed. He had seen no harm in it but now he felt a bit of uncertainty that it wouldn’t be too much for Newton.

            “Yes, forgive me. I remembered that I had a meeting I need to attend this afternoon and got distracted. What were you saying Ms. Shao?” Liwen pursed her lips at him but Hermann met the calculating look with one of his own.

            “Does this have to do with the men the council are supposed to be sending?” Liwen stood up straight, abandoning the work for a second as she smoothed out her jumpsuit she’d worn for mixing the components of the morning’s experiments. It was Hermann’s turn to purse his lips as he frowned at her. He hadn’t heard that the council was sending anyone, not yet at least. It was inevitable that it would happen eventually especially given the discussions about Newton.

            “I cannot say at this point. It is very likely that it is but I hadn’t heard they were sending someone so quickly.” Hermann tried not to sound concerned. Tried not to let the fact that he was worried sink through his connection with Newton considering he could already feel a high level of emotion coming from the other. Liwen eyed him for a moment before glancing around as though she was making sure none of the other techs were listening in.

            “It is just a rumor but I have heard talk that they intend to send someone to talk with Dr. Geiszler. The information seems to be coming from one of the J-techs who has a friend that is an assistant to one of the council members. I know we have not seen eye to eye on our discussions of Dr. Geiszler’s state but…I do hope that you have been successful in finding evidence that he may be saved. Now, I feel that if we bring down the quantities on the red lead just slightly we might be able to get the same heated reaction while leaving more of the slurry left for the secondary explosion when it comes into contact with the kaiju blue.” Liwen spoke quietly in an even tone as though to avoid drawing attention as she leaned back over the computer and indicated part of the reaction calculations. Hermann wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying about it though. They were already sending someone to _deal_ with Newton. At least he could take comfort that no one seemed to realize that he had drifted with Newton yet outside their small group. The leak was through the council and not any of them.

            “I cannot speak on the potential successes of our attempts to reach Dr. Geiszler, Ms. Shao. Though I appreciate your concern. I do hope that you are not participating in spreading rumors through the ranks of the J-tech crews. As for your suggestion on the concentration of red lead to be used I believe that would work. We will want to carefully balance it so that the initial explosion is still powerful enough to cause the damage needed. Of course, once the device is through the breach it will all be up to chance if it truly ends up working as intended.”

            “I never did tolerate rumors within my own company, Dr. Gottlieb. I would never think to participate in sharing information where it does not belong. If you ever need help with your other projects, however, I would like to extend an offer to you in way of an apology from our previous disagreement on certain subjects. I suggest we make that change in the concentration then and perhaps tomorrow we can move forward with attempts involving the kaiju blood. It would be prudent to start with small reactions considering the potential for extreme results.” Liwen kept her voice steady but spoke in vague terms as one of their techs wandered past. Hermann felt a moment of panic on Newton’s end, a push of fear that had Hermann swallowing roughly against some emotion that he tried to keep from showing in his expression.

             ** _We will keep you safe._** Hermann had caught the shattered bits of notes, torn up and tossed carelessly aside. A note tucked between pages with hope unrealized. He countered with his own memories; Newton’s letters and the spark of events that had been their relationship in the earlier years through to when the drift had been closed. The feelings of endearment and longing that had once shaped his days even as they had bickered back and forth.

            “I appreciate the offer, Ms. Shao, and will keep it in mind if there comes a situation where it is required,” Hermann said quietly. Liwen gave a soft nod of her head before swiping on the information on the screen away to be stored onto her tablet that sat in front of them.

            “Very good. Then I will move forward on ensuring we are prepared for moving forward with this. I would assume you need to go and prepare for your meeting, Dr. Gottlieb. I hope you have a pleasant afternoon.” Liwen gave him a short nod before stepping around him to return to her other work. Hermann sighed heavily, trying to get a good reading on what his own emotions were at that moment aside from the feedback of Newton’s in his mind. They were sending someone from the council, seemingly without the rest of them realizing someone was already on their way, and Liwen had offered to help though Hermann had no idea on how she could possibly do so.

                       

            Hermann had changed before heading down to Newton’s room. Caleb and Ford were in the observation room, watching the monitors idly while talking with each other. Tendo was still in the room with Newton, the two of them practically wrapped up with each other on the bed as Tendo was talking in an animated fashion to Newton. The two medics looked back at him when he entered and gave him a wave.

            “Things have been going pretty smoothly, Dr. Gottlieb. There’s been a few moments where his anxiety has run a bit high where it's been a little difficult to get a read on things but nothing alarming.”

            “Also got his wrists cleaned up and bandaged. They should be alright they’ll just take some time to heal.” Caleb and Ford spoke to him in turns as Hermann glanced over the monitors himself. He could see the tail end of one of those moments of panic but over the course of the last half hour or so Newton had been decently steady in his readings. “They’ve just been catching up mostly.”

            “Yes, I picked up on some of the conversation earlier by mistake.” Hermann said it in a distracted manner and then he gave the men a quick smile when he realized they were both looking at him with mild concern. “Have…either of you heard of any rumors circulating through the crews in regards to Dr. Geiszler or the council?” Ford and Caleb shared a look between them that seemed like a small conversation on its own. Hermann got the impression that the two of them would find themselves drift compatible were they to ever desire to try.

            “Well, we’ve heard a few things. Nothing verified but there has been some talk. Mainly discussions on what people think should be done as far as Dr. Geiszler is concerned but in regards to what the council is planning on doing,” Caleb said with a slight shrug.

            “We’ve already let Marshal Hansen know this but there’s been talk since about last night about the council sending one of its members here with an…interrogator. We couldn’t quite tell if it was simply because of the discussions already happening with the council and the Secretary General on the subject though. It’s possible it’s just in relation to that,” Ford completed. So it wasn’t just Liwen who had heard talk of the council’s plan.

            “Marshal Hansen said he was going to try and get some sort of verification before he wanted to worry anyone,” Caleb said after a second. Well, that would explain why Hermann hadn’t heard anything over the course of the morning. He would have to check in with Herc to see if anything had been verified. Hermann wouldn’t put it past the council to simply surprise them with someone showing up on their doorstep.

            “Thank you both for your honesty.” The medics nodded their heads to him before Hermann motioned towards the door. Caleb leaned and pushed the button to unlock the door for him so Hermann could step into Newton’s room. He did his best to push all his concerns to the back of his mind as he let the door close behind him.

            “Hey Hermann.” Newton greeted him first with a timid smile. Tendo patted the bed beside them, indicating Hermann should join them as he moved his legs from where they’d been crossed over Newton’s.

            “It appears the two of you have been busy?” Hermann said as he noted the scattered items on the bed. The items that Tendo had found buried in amongst the things from Newton’s apartment. Hermann scooted a couple of books carefully out of his way before sitting down and moving to join them. Newton tugged him a bit closer, settling himself between Hermann and Tendo with a serious expression on his face.

            “I’m been telling Newt a bit about Mac and what everyone’s been up to.” Tendo settled an arm over Newton’s shoulders, reaching far enough across that his hand rested on Hermann’s shoulder as well. Hermann heard Newton take a deep breath between them as he’d done several times the night before as though he’d suddenly realized he needed some air. Hermann had meant to ask about that, would need to bring it up with Tendo at the least to see if he had noticed it as well.

            “Ah, I hope you have conveyed how very much that child is _yours_ in every way,” Hermann said with a fond smile. For a child who had told Tendo and Allison at the age of eight that they preferred to be called Mac because Macbeth was too _dramatic_ Mac certainly had a flair for drama. Tendo gave a soft laugh though Newton still looked a bit serious as though something was on his mind. Something was on Newton’s mind but Hermann wasn’t getting a clear picture of it as he set a hand on Newton’s arm. The bandage was stark white against the color of his tattoos. Hermann hoped that the designs wouldn’t be damaged.

            “Hey, I can’t accept full responsibility for the force of nature that is Mac Choi. Allison played a hand in it as well.” Tendo patted Hermann’s shoulder and gave him a slight uncertain look over Newton’s head. They both looked down at Newton who was silent between them with a small frown. Hermann could tell that Newton wasn’t listening, had disappeared somewhere in his own thoughts. “Penny for your thoughts, brother?” Tendo nudged Newton a little to bring his attention back to the surface. Newton blinked owlishly at the two of them before taking another one of those deep breaths.

            “They’re not going to let what happened just slide, are they? I probably won’t be getting a chance to actually just have a life again.” The smile slipped from Tendo’s face at Newton’s quiet words. “I mean, I get it, killed some people. Caused a lot of damage. Brought some kaiju back on the planet. It won’t matter much that it wasn’t _really_ me, will it?” Hermann wondered just how much of his thoughts and concerns had slipped through unwillingly. He took one of Newton’s hands in his and raised it up to press a kiss to the back of it.

            “We’re going to do everything we can to make sure you get out of here to live your life again, my man.” Tendo took Newton’s other hand and they sat there silently for a few long moments as they all lost themselves in their concurrent thoughts.

 

            “We were able to get confirmation this afternoon. They have sent someone, they are supposed to arrive as early as tomorrow midday. They were hoping to catch us off guard and force our hands.” The music in Newton’s room had been turned up again. He had eventually asked if he could be alone which had troubled Hermann a little. Newton knew he was still there just like Hermann was aware of Newton’s presence just through the window without having to look to see where he was. The music drowned out all thoughts on his end aside from lyrics and turmoil. The beat of the music still reverberated through the observation room though they’d turned the mics down so they could all talk.

            “The council member who spoke with us is one of the few who voted against their _interrogation_. We’ve informed them of the drift and that Newton appears to have regained control for an undetermined timeframe though we hope it is permanent. Our understanding is we have to convince the representative they’ve sent that there is sufficient evidence that Newton isn’t under their control or that force won’t be necessary in getting information. That shouldn’t be as difficult as it sounds though given who the council member is.” Herc was looking through the window with a small frown on his face. Newton was singing along to the music, Hermann could hear the spill of words, stumbling over half remembered lyrics.

            “Which council member have they sent?” Hermann asked as he did his best to keep his foot from tapping with the beat of the song. He didn’t mind Newton’s need to drown himself in music, Lucky Boy’s Confusion racing through the speakers currently, but he was going to have to readjust to its presence. The fact that it was present in the back of his mind rather than on the other side of lab should have been a minor adjustment but given the ten years of relative silence as he worked it took a bit more effort. Mako’s pursed lipped look didn’t give Hermann much faith that Herc’s analysis of the situation was accurate.

            “It is your father, Dr. Gottlieb.” Tendo gave a surprised snort of derision as Hermann sighed heavily.

            “If they are truly sending my father than that will likely only make this more difficult. We will want to be prepared.” Mako gave him a small nod of understanding as Herc turned to give the room his full attention.

            “You don’t get along with your father?”

            “That is perhaps an understatement. Though I refuse to be absent from this meeting it would also be prudent if someone else presented the information that we have to support Newton having returned to being himself. If I am the one to explain it he will be less inclined to listen.”

            “I will take lead on the meeting. I want all of us who have been a part of Dr. Geiszler’s rehabilitation to be present in case they question where our information is coming from.” They sat for a few moments, their group in quiet and still as the sounds of something softer that had a heavier piano presence came from the room next door. This was the reason they had pushed forward with the drift so quickly, they had known this could very well happen but the feeling they were constantly only a single step ahead of those who aimed to tear down the care they’d been trying to take with Newton was oppressing.

            “If we can’t convince Lars that there’s reason to hold off on this, Hermann, it may be best if you try. If it comes down to it; if the data doesn’t sway him we may need you to try. Just remember…we’ll figure out a way to keep him safe no matter what.” Tendo patted Hermann’s knee and Hermann just nodded his head. They had a contingency plan, an envelope tucked away in a drawer. Hermann wondered if he shouldn’t pack a bag to keep tucked in some back corner at the ready as well. The likelihood that Lars would listen to a word he had to say seemed minimal at best.

 

            Hermann had returned later in the evening after they had managed to confirm that Lars would be there in the morning. His father’s arrival was, at least, no longer going to be the unpleasant surprise it was intended to be. Jake and Nate were sitting in the observation room when Hermann entered seeming to be taking their turn at watching the monitors so that Caleb and Ford could have a break.

            “He’s still up if you’re wanting to talk. He seems a bit bored.” Jake gave Hermann a smile as he leaned back in his chair to glance through the window. Newton was lying on his back in bed with his legs propped up against the wall as he held a book above him. If he had music going it was playing at a much quieter level than it had been earlier in the day. Hermann would have to figure out something to bring Newton that would give him something to do. He had a thought on what that could be but he’d have to try and obtain it first. At least, if the meeting in the morning didn’t go horribly.

            “Yes, I think I will for just a while. Are you both here for long or are you being relieved soon?” Nate leaned to reach for the button that would unlock the door for him as Hermann stepped towards it.

            “I think Marshal Hansen was going to cover the nightshift side of things tonight. He’ll be here soon.” Nate answered him, waiting for Hermann to signal he was ready before pushing the release.

            “Well then, have a good night, Rangers.” Jake raised a hand in a small wave and Nate gave him a nod. Hermann left them to finish their own discussion as he stepped into Newton’s room. Newton had tilted his head back against the bed so he was awkwardly looking towards him and he gave Hermann a small smile.

            “Hey Hermann.”

            “Hello Newton. Do you mind if I join you?” Newton was trying to stifle a yawn by holding the book against his face as he shook his head lightly in response. Newton patted the bed besides him to indicate that Herman should make himself comfortable and let the book rest against his chest. He made no move to change positions as Hermann shifted to sit on the bed beside him. Hermann stretched his legs out beside him as he rested his back against the wall. “What are you reading?”

            Newton held the book up for Hermann to see for a second. It was an old X-files novelization; the images of Scully and Mulder on the cover backlit by a reddish glow. _Whirlwind_ was written across the cover on the bottom right corner. Newton set the book back on top of his chest as he rested an arm across Hermann’s shins.

            “Did they ever make that fourth X-files movie? The one that was supposed to finally fix everything?”

            “They did. It was a complete failure though. They didn’t seem to know how to handle a fictional show where it wasn’t universally accepted that aliens exist when the reality was that everyone knows they do at this point. They attempted to bring the kaiju invasion into the story but then all the intrigue was gone.” Newton made a quiet noise of amusement at this as he stared up towards the ceiling.

            “That does sound pretty lame.” Newton drummed his fingers against Hermann’s knee. “I guess that’s one thing I can look forward to. All the movies that came out that I missed.”

            “Is that all you feel you have to look forward to?” Hermann asked the question with a hint of humor in his voice. He did worry how Newton would cope once he finally was able to live outside of a single room. Worried that Newton would struggle to enjoy the things he’d once loved. But just then Newton seemed relaxed and maybe even a little hopeful.

            “Well, no. There’s a lot of things I look forward to. Eating junk food again, seeing movies, going to the beach…spending time with you.” Newton gave Hermann a shy smile though it was somewhat ruined by the fact that he had to stifle another yawn.

            “I look forward to that as well even with your preference in movies that I will have to suffer through.”

            “Please, you love my taste in movies,” Newton said dismissively though Hermann could feel the flicker of doubt. He saw it cross Newton’s face.

            “Perhaps part of the enjoyment is who I will be watching them with.” Newton gave a quiet airy laugh as the smile returned. Hermann studied Newton for a few moments, could see and feel that sense of fatigue that Newton was doing his best to ignore. “You seem tired, Newt. Why don’t you get to sleep?”

            “You’ll stop by tomorrow, right?” Hermann frowned at the question and he wondered if he’d let some of his worries leak through their connection. Newton folded his legs up so he could shift to sit up facing Hermann as though he was the one under scrutiny now. “I get that something’s going on. I also get that you can’t tell me everything…just in case. But you’ll be able to stop by tomorrow, right?”

            “Of course, Newton.” Hermann cupped Newton’s cheek lightly and felt him lean into the contact with a content sigh. “There are some things that need to be dealt with tomorrow but no matter what I will come by to see you. In the meantime, if there’s anything you need you just have to ask. I know this isn’t an ideal situation.”

            “Not too bad. Maybe not a shack by the sea but hey,” Newton shrugged lightly.

            “Hopefully it will be more than a shack but we’ll get there with some time. For now though you need to rest. You’re still healing and it’s important you keep up your strength.” Newton nodded as he stretched his arms up in the air and then let himself fall back on the bed again. It was so very reminiscent of the Newton he remembered; another small sign that Hermann truly had managed to get him back. Hermann shifted to stand up, grabbing his cane from where he’d leaned it against the bedframe, as he patted Newton on the shoulder. “Now, you should get to bed.”

            “Alright,” Newton responded a little regretfully though he was clearly about ready to fall asleep where he was. Hermann nudged him to get him to get situated in the bed properly, letting Newton get curled up under the covers before Hermann leaned to press a chaste kiss to his forehead. Newton caught his hand when Hermann moved to pull away, holding him there for a long moment as he seemed to study him. “You look good, Hermann.”

            “Thank you Newton.” Hermann squeezed Newton’s hand gently as the man gave a nod as though he was content. They let go reluctantly, Newton pulling the blankets around himself a bit tighter as Hermann gave him a small smile before heading towards the door.

            “G’night Hermann.”

            “Goodnight, Newton.”


	10. I'd Give My Soul For You, I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The main group has a meeting with Lars to decide whether the interrogation of Newton will proceed. Hermann has his own confrontation with Lars.

The meeting with Lars was in only an hour as Hermann made his way down to Newton’s room. It was set to be Hermann, Mako, Raleigh, Tendo and Herc to meet with Lars and the interrogator the council had sent. He had debated for a long time on whether he should tell Newton about the council’s plans and the meeting that would likely be their only chance to prevent it. In the end it hadn’t felt right to keep it from Newton despite Hermann’s fear that it would also disturb Newton’s careful hold on himself. Hermann had pulled the envelope out of the desk that morning, held it for a long time as he debated, and then tucked it into his jacket pocket to keep it close. If worse came to worse than he would have it with him ready to be used.

        Newton was still curled up in the bed when Hermann stepped into the room though he stirred to see who was there. Newton gave him a small smile though Hermann thought he saw some hesitancy there and wondered if he’d been unsuccessful at keeping his fear from filtering through to him.

        When Hermann sat down on the edge of the bed Newton scooted close to him, not getting up but curled close to where he sat. “You’re early…right?” Newton frowned with his sudden uncertainty as he glanced towards the clock on the nightstand. As Hermann watched him, he gave a small nod in confirmation of his own question before his attention returned to Hermann with a questioning expression. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”

        “The council has decided they don’t feel like there is sufficient proof that you are back in control. We are supposed to be meeting with a council member that they have sent to oversee an…” Hermann hesitated as he pursed his lips and contemplated the wisdom behind this thought. They were already having to keep so much from Newton that pertained to the attempt at an offensive strike. This was something directly related to him, something that was no strategic use to the Precursors. It would feel crueler if they were not able to prevent this from happening that Newton should have no warning. Hermann was determined this wouldn’t happen even if it meant giving up the life he had built here for the unknown of being on the run with Newton. “An interrogation.”

        “Oh…” Newton had curled up a bit tighter beneath the blankets.

        Hermann reached to smooth a hand over Newton’s hair. Though he was trying to downplay the extent of the proposed interrogation Hermann got the sense that Newton knew what sort of techniques they’d likely use.

        “They don’t want to just…talk to me first? I could come to the meeting, show them that-“

        “I’m afraid having you be a part of the meeting isn’t possible despite the fact that you have every right to be there. You are still considered a security risk. Instead would you…would you like if I attempted to make you aware of how it is going?” Hermann gave Newton time to think it over, sat patient and silent even though he knew he couldn’t stay long.

        “Yeah…yeah, I think…that’d be good…”

        Hermann leaned to press a kiss against Newton’s temple; chaste and brief. “I have to go so that I am not late. I will be back when it is over.”

 

        “The council has reviewed the information you have sent to us but we do not feel it is indicative of Dr. Geiszler being mentally present. We cannot jump to the conclusion that a change in vital signs are proof that he has been taking back control. Nor do we feel it is safe to assume at this time that he hasn’t willingly allowed the events of the last ten years to occur.” Lars spoke in that clipped and formal tone Hermann had grown up hearing speak down at him in disapproval. It brought back one-sided conversations that typically ended in Lars ruling that Hermann was lacking in some way or another.

        Hermann kept his eyes down on the table because he couldn’t look at his father just then. Really he should have been long retired but heaven forbid he give up his sense of control that he gained from sitting on the council. The man sitting next to his father was just as detestable in Hermann’s mind; the one who would be tasked with ‘retrieving’ information from Newton if they could not change Lars’ mind. The council had only reached a decision by one vote after all since they had discounted Ms. Mori’s opinion.

        Tendo’s voice was professional but firm as he spoke, at least if you were not someone who knew it well enough to hear the anger and passion beneath it all, as he said, “That is all we are asking for: more time to prove that Dr. Geiszler hasn’t been acting as a willing conduit to the Precursors and that he has, in fact, regained control of himself. We could be making a grievous mistake if we attempt to force information out of him if he is, as we believe, innocent in all of this. The data shows that there is a significant amount of evidence to suggest that we can monitor whether it is Dr. Geiszler or the Precursors in control. He is willing to give what information he can provide himself from what he recalls over the last ten years. This would aid in our efforts to open the breach ourselves for an offensive strike.”

        “Though that is important we also need intel on what the Precursors are doing currently. What their plan is in retaliation against us since we know they are aware of our plan to strike. Is he not willing to give that information as well?” Lars countered with condescension as he leaned back in his chair.  

        Hermann could feel Newton’s anxious questions in the back of his mind. Hermann had carefully dropped the mental barriers he’d constructed to keep Newton from glimpsing into their research and work on opening the breach. He had thought their connection had faded some since their drift but now that he had lowered those mental filters he was finding it still ran with startling clarity between them.

        “All due respect, Councilor, but we can’t ask that of him. Real time information on the Precursors would require Dr. Geiszler to pry into the hive mind. We all feel that for him to do that would only put him at risk of losing the control he’s regained through the drift.” Raleigh spoke up from where he sat between Mako and Tendo. One could almost believe that he truly did respect Lars but Hermann had heard a few choice words that morning that would indicate otherwise.

        “I still feel as though the decision to use enhanced interrogation techniques has been a hasty one that ignores laws put in place by the United Nations for decades. Torture is not an acceptable means of gathering intelligence.” Mako spoke coolly though there was a clear threat in her words. If pushed they could attempt to push this outside of the PPDC itself though Lars seemed unfazed by the implication which did not bode well for them.  

        “The UN has agreed that these are extenuating circumstances.”

Hermann pursed his lips, felt his grasp on his emotions slip slightly as he tried to reassure Newton that things were just fine in the back of his mind. They were not fine. Not if the council had already discussed their decision with the UN and gotten approval. That was their first bet off the table.

        “Alien races are not covered under the Geneva Conventions, Secretary General.” Lars had a triumphant note in his voice as Hermann allowed himself to glance up at his father’s words. Their eyes met for just a moment before Hermann looked back down at the table at the gloating expression on Lars’ face.

        “And what of human beings? It is not a Precursor or a kaiju who you intend to torture, Councilor. It is a human being. One of our own, in fact, one who is known as a war hero,” said Mako, composed and determined, so many ways like Stacker but still her own.

        “That may have been true but seeing as the news of Dr. Geiszler’s cooperation with the Precursors has somehow been leaked outside of this organization much of the world will not view him as such anymore.” Hermann stilled at the news as his father barreled forward with his condescending tone. “It is an embarrassment to the PPDC that this has occurred. If we are not seen as acting to rectify the issue we will lose the trust of the majority.”

        “And why not show that you are rectifying the situation with compassion by saving him?” Herc didn’t keep the anger from his voice quite as well as the others. He sat on Mako’s other side and Hermann saw her expression soften a little as she rested a hand momentarily on Herc’s arm.

        “That was discussed. This was chosen as the way to proceed. We are short on time, Marshal, and with the sudden resurgence of that Kaiju Cultists, who apparently didn’t all take their own lives after the closing of the breach, we have to act. We have not seen any proof that we feel is definitive. If you want to sway the opinion of the council we require something more than a jumbled medical chart and your word.”

        “Will you at least give us some time? To get the proof for you, to show you that Dr. Geiszler is back in control of himself and willing to give you what _he_ knows without risking his status by attempting to pry into the hive mind?” Tendo was thumbing the beads of the rosary as though he was counting them beneath the table as he spoke.

        Hermann reached over to him, linked their hands as Lars drew out the silence. They held onto each other desperately in those moments all while Hermann was furiously telling Newton that they **_would protect him._ **

        “I will discuss it with the council but if they feel the same as I do then the decision will be final.”

        Hermann couldn’t feel relief despite the initial instinct to let this give him some hope. He knew his father, he wouldn’t frame the conversation with the council in their favor and would make no real effort.

        “Now, this meeting is over. If you would all excuse us I would like to speak with Dr. Gottlieb.”

        Hermann sat as the others slowly got up, moving past to leave the room. Herc rested a hand on his shoulder for a second, giving it a light squeeze and Hermann patted his hand in response before the Marshal pulled away. Tendo was the last to go as he trailed behind the interrogator who had stayed silent throughout the meeting. Tendo was hesitating to leave until Hermann told him it was alright.

        “I’ll be just outside, brother.” Tendo pointed towards the door and waited for Hermann to give a nod of understanding before he stepped outside with the door closing behind him. Lars sat silent across from Hermann until they were alone and he finally looked up to meet his father’s eyes.

        “I assume you have some things you would like to say to me, Hermann?” Lars put a tone of long suffering patience in his voice that was well practiced from over the years.

        Hermann gripped the head of his cane tightly for a moment as he tried to pull his thoughts together. He focused for a moment on the envelope that he could feel folded in his jacket pocket, a hidden way out that he could take. Lars would likely not sway his opinion of the situation given the tone of the meeting so anything Hermann said now would not affect the outcome. And in the end they could always slip away with the help of their friends. Hermann took a deep breath to steady himself before he finally spoke and met Lars’ eyes.

        “How can you justify standing by this deplorable decision? I would not have expected that even _you_ would fail to see just how irredeemable this course of action is.”

        “It is the only choice that the council felt would give us an advantage. This isn’t about a single person; this is about putting an end to this aggression from the Precursors. Protecting our world. You cannot allow your… _affections_ for Dr. Geiszler cloud your judgement, Hermann.”

        Hermann clenched his jaw at his father’s look of utmost disapproval on the word _affections_ and felt some small part of him that was, perhaps, just a bit more Newton snap, “My _affections,_ as you say, do not have any sway on just how completely disgusted I am at this decision. Even if it was not Newton who you were suggesting doing this to I would feel just as strongly as I do now. It completely disregards the fact that you will not be torturing the Precursors, you will not gain anything from this at all as you will only be torturing the _man_ for their amusement. They will not give you the information you want and you will potentially be destroying any chance for recovery of the man who has already been tortured by them for the past decade. No, Father, my _affections_ have very little to do with my opinions on the matter as a whole. However, my love of Dr. Geiszler does mean I will do everything in my power to stop this from occurring. If you lot attempt to follow through with this then you may as well strap me into the torture chair first because that is the only way you will get me to allow you anywhere near him.”

        “Hermann, do not be so dramatic. It is childish and improper.”

_Oh, fuck off Lars._

“Fuck you, Father.”

        Silence fell between them as Lars narrowed his eyes at Hermann who hadn’t intended the words to slip through. He felt Newton’s fearful contrition on the other end of their connection. Hermann’s fingers drummed lightly against his knee in those seconds between breaths before Lars spoke again.

        “He has always been the worst sort of influence on you.”

        “He has been the best sort of influence on me. You have just never seen it that way because he helped encourage me to break away from _your_ influence. You knew that first day we met. You saw it on my face as clear as day that I would love him and you hated it. You attempted to put a stop to it. Well, I would apologize, Father, for failing to wind up with the sophisticated stick-up-the-ass intellectual you always wished I would find and instead choosing the brash tattooed bad-boy of science but I really can’t be bothered to.”

        “You do realize that there were more permanent and severe options presented by the council, don’t you?”

        “Oh, and I’m sure you relished that particular thought, Father. And if that was the choice we were discussing in this moment I would tell you that I would gladly face God and walk backwards into hell for Newton.”

        “Are you quite done, Hermann?”

        “I will decide when I am done!” Hermann slammed the end of his cane against the floor in frustration at that condescending tone.

        Lars gave him a patient look. “Well?”

        Hermann took a deep breath. Tried to gather his thoughts to see if there was anything else he wished to say. That he _could_ say without potentially raising his father’s suspicions that he was calculating the best odds at getting Newton out of the shatterdome without him being recognized. “I am done,” Hermann said feeling somewhat deflated as Lars studied him as though he was some unfamiliar but slightly interesting plant.

        “Who was that last quote by? The walk backwards into hell? It sounded familiar.”

        Hermann gave a snort of derision at the question. It was likely Lars attempt to come across as the one bridging the gap between them when he was really just ignoring everything Hermann had said. “You wouldn’t know even if I told you.”

        “Hermann.”

        Hermann gave an exasperated sigh at his father’s insistence. “Dril.”

        “Is that his last name?”

        Hermann rolled his eyes.

        Lars gave him another disapproving frown. “I will look it up then.”

        Hermann was weighing what would be critical for them to take with them. He would also need to get as much cash as he could to help avoid leaving a trail that could be followed. Likely Mako had already thought of that but he would have to check. They would need to leave tonight.

        “You are the only one of my children who still speak with me, Hermann.”

_Oh, yeah, that’s fucking shocking._

        “Shocking.”

        Newton apologized in the back of his mind once again.

        His heightened level of emotions seemed to be making them bleed together a bit more cohesively in his mind. On one level it was almost comforting because Newton sounded almost like his old self in those passed thoughts between them but he couldn’t have them accidentally tipping off his father to Hermann’s intentions. Hermann reassured Newton that it was alright but tried to detangle them somewhat so he could finish this discussion with his father without further aggravating him too much.

        “Yes, well. Am I correct in my assumption that the only reason you still keep in contact is out of a sense of obligation due to your position within the PPDC?”

        “Yes, that is correct.” Hermann kept his tone even as he answered truthfully. Lars would likely call him on the lie if he said otherwise in this instance. They stared at each other wearily for a long moment before Lars nodded his head and dropped his eyes down to the table in thought.

        “I never intended to raise you all with the sense that you could not be who you wanted to be. I simply wanted the best for you all, for you to reach your potential.”

        Hermann gave a soft laugh of disbelief at this suggestion.

        Lars gave him a reproachful look. His tone was more defensive as he sat up straighter in his chair in a signature move meant to indicate _he_ was the one in charge just then. “When your mother passed…I was not prepared to raise four children on my own, Hermann.”

        “There are people who face things they are not prepared to do every day, Father, but that is the thing, isn’t it? They figure it out. Marshal Hansen was not prepared to lose his wife and be left raising his son alone yet he figured it out. Nor was he prepared to lose his son and have to continue on without him. Marshal Pentecost was not prepared to find a daughter amongst the rubble of the very streets he’d just done battle and yet he did and he figured it out. Mr. Choi was not prepared to be in a position where he had to hear close friends die in battle on a regular basis and deal with the repercussions of the loss and yet he figured it out. The world was not prepared to be on the brink of destruction by an alien race while our only line of defense had been determined obsolete. And yet we figured it out. Working here has surrounded me with people who, when faced with the things they are not prepared for, still somehow manage to find the solution. To find the appropriate way to handle the situation. You can no longer use that as an excuse to pardon your sins, Lars.”

        For the first time in his recollection Hermann found Lars apparently at a loss for words.

        His father sat staring at him with an expression that Hermann couldn’t read before he just shook his head and stood up.

        Hermann knew that this was his last attempt to keep control over the situation. If all else failed, Lars would simply put his foot down and end the conversation.

        “And that is what we are doing now, Hermann. The council is attempting to figure out the best way to handle this situation. I can…appreciate your desire to protect Dr. Geiszler, no matter how irrational-“

        “What would you have given for even just the chance to save her?” Hermann spoke carefully as he watched Lars’ face. He saw the momentary flicker of emotion that showed he knew just what Hermann was asking.

        “I don’t know what-“

        “Mother. What would you have given if there was even just a chance to have saved her?”

        “Your mother was ill, Hermann.”

        “What would you have given?”

        Lars took a deep breath as though having to gather his patience before he answered. “I would, honestly, have given the world if only for a chance. But, your mother was ill, Hermann. That was an entirely different situation than the situation with your Dr. Geiszler.” Lars smoothed the front of his suit before looking across at Hermann with a dismissive expression.

        Hermann hadn’t missed the slip in acknowledging Newton as something more than just an _affection_. Neither had Newton if the jumble of emotions was anything to go by.

_Always yours._

        “No, they are the same, Father. Both Mother’s illness and the Precursors are things we cannot plainly see and yet managed to work their way into the ones we love with the intent to steal them away from us. We lost her but I still have the chance to save Newton.”

        “And are you prepared to give the world for him, Hermann?”

        “He is my world, Father.” Hermann could feel the defeat settling its way into his chest. They would have to run, they would have to disappear which would be made all the more difficult now that the world at large knew about the Precursor’s control over Newton.

_You did your best, Hermann. You’re my world too…_

        Hermann closed his eyes against the tears he knew were brimming up on his eyelashes. He refused to cry in front of Lars. He would contain them until his father had left the room.

        “My understanding is that you spend time with him each day?”

        Hermann blinked and looked up at Lars who didn’t seem able to look at him just then. Instead Lars stared towards the wall with a frown of concentration. “Yes. What time I can spare.”

        “I will see if the council will agree to postpone moving forward with our decision for a time. Allow me to observe these interactions in an attempt to form a judgement on whether or not Dr. Geiszler truly has regained control over himself and is willing to give us what information he can.” Lars looked at Hermann as though this was something that deserved praise but Hermann couldn’t muster it. This was the bare minimum that Lars could be offering but he knew he was expected to be forever grateful for the show.

        “Very well.”

        “No gratitude, Hermann. Really?”

        Hermann’s jaw tensed as he weighed his options. In the end he couldn’t go back, couldn’t give Lars what he wanted to hear in hopes that it would keep him in his good graces, because in the end Hermann didn’t truly believe Lars. He didn’t trust Lars not to just put on the show of being the good guy only to find in the end that it changed nothing. “No. No gratitude for the suggestion that you will do what you should have done in the first place.”

        Lars _tsked_ at him before checking that his cuffs were straight and pristine before moving to the door to leave.

        Hermann watched him go only for Tendo to slip back into the room while lifting a single-fingered salute at Lars’ back. “You would likely be dismissed if he caught you doing that.”

        “Well, to be honest, my man? I don’t give a shit. We’re all probably going to get dismissed after this.” Tendo pulled a chair out and sat down beside him with a sigh. “Are you alright, brother?”

        “No…but I will figure it out.”

 

        Newton had his back up against the wall and his knees drawn up to his chest as he sat waiting for Hermann. He knew that he was on his way down. He had been hyper-aware of everything involving Hermann since he’d seen him that morning when he’d explained to Newton just what was on the line. Newton had even read between those lines to just what sort of _measures_ the council thought was necessary to use against him. Newton hadn’t bitten his nails since he was a kid and Jakob had painted his nails with that polish that tasted spicy to help break him of the habit. Newton sat and worried at a cuticle with his teeth now in the need to focus some of that heightened panic. There was the push of static at the back of his mind and Newton closed his eyes as he did his best to block it out.

        Newton heard the door open and looked to see who it was despite already knowing it was Hermann. He looked about as stressed out as Newton felt as he paused in the doorway and Newton managed a small wave.

        Hermann mustered a smile though it didn’t reach his eyes as he came to sit on the edge of the bed next to Newton.

        “I didn’t mean for my thoughts to come through like that.” Newton scooted up next to Hermann as he spoke though he stayed far enough back on the bed he could sit with his legs crossed. The tears came to his eyes completely unbidden as their shared fear bounced between them.

        Hermann’s fingers drummed on his knee in perfect tempo with Newton’s. They hadn’t been this entwined since the days after their first drift when neither of them had really understood _how_ to keep things from passing between them so easily. Hermann really was stressed if he wasn’t keeping up those barriers. “They simply mirrored my own. No need to apologize, Newton.”

        Newton leaned to rest against Hermann lightly, head coming to rest on his shoulder as he stared out at the room. “I’m more than cool just telling them what I know…”

        “I know, Newton.”

        “I don’t think it’s as much as they seem to think it is. I know some things, I can tell you that they’ll definitely have some defenses in place, like kaiju. I can tell you that they are always working on new prototypes and improvements.”

        “Newton, _I_ know you are willing but-“

        “I can tell you that the key to opening the breach is the coupling of-“ Newton’s throat suddenly closed up as his words ended on a whimper as the static grew in the back of his mind. They didn’t like that. They didn’t like him trying to speak their secrets like that. Newton curled in on himself, arms wrapping around his head as he tried to shut them out, to solidify that barrier between them once more. There was a moment where Newton wasn’t certain he could stop them but then the static retreated again like the tide as he was left trembling.

        Hermann’s arms were tight around him as he repeated Newton’s name frantically.

        “I don’t think I should do that…”

        “No, no I believe that you should avoid doing that again.”

        Newton’s ear was pressed against Hermann’s chest and he could hear the frantic beat of his heart. He closed his eyes to listen to it thrumming away as he tried to find steady ground. When he opened his eyes again there weren’t alone in the room anymore. Jake Pentecost and another man who Newton didn’t know were standing on either side of the door as though guarding it.

        “Hey Jake.” The words came out weak and broken but he did manage to speak them out loud. It had been a long time since he’d seen Stacker’s kid but there hadn’t been any struggle to recognize him. Newton had kept the recognition locked away the first time he’d seen him; it had been one of the few small shows of resistance he’d had before Hermann had gotten him free.

        Jake was looking at Newton now like he was contemplating strapping him to a chair again though within a moment Jake’s face softened and he gave him a cocky sort of smile. “So you did remember me then, G?”

        “Yeah…of course. How could I forget the Boy Wonder?” Hermann’s hold on him had loosened some as he sat up to give the two Rangers a disapproving frown as though they hadn’t stepped in to save him if Newton had gotten…had gone away again.

        “Are we good here?” Jake’s friend spoke up looking a bit confused as Jake smirked at the nickname.

        “Yes, we are quite alright, Rangers.” Hermann spoke stiffly to them both but Newton was honestly grateful. If he hadn’t been able to push them back Hermann would have needed the help. If they had managed to get control Newton had no doubt that they wouldn’t have hesitated to go straight for Hermann. He was Newton’s lifeline; he had been the key to Newton getting free of them. “I think it would be wise that we plan another drift soon to help further establish your hold.”

        Newton finally pulled away from Hermann to sit up straight as he took a deep breath. He could feel a bit of a headache left behind by their presence forming behind his left eye. “Are they gonna let us?” Newton pressed his thumb against his right temple for a moment trying to dull away that pain. Take another breath. Listen to his own pulse clattering through his body. Hermann had pursed his lips at the question and the answer was pretty clear that he didn’t think they would. Hermann’s anger muddled with his own frustration and nerves and the pounding in his head got a bit more severe. “Hey, um…can you maybe…it takes a lot to block them out so…”

        Hermann’s mind sudden slammed closed like a steel trap and Newton felt like he could hear more than just what was in his head again.

        “Would it be better if we perhaps didn’t drift again so soon?” Hermann sounded a bit contrite as he spoke in a quiet whisper.

        Newton squinted at him to get a good look at his expression without his glasses on, realized again that he didn’t need to, and felt a fresh wave of frustration. He pushed himself up off the bed because he couldn’t shake the anxiety or the headache or the fact that everything continued to veer back and forth between being extremely overwhelming to immensely dull and boring staring at walls and ceilings.

        “No, that’s not…I just need you to do the filtering if you can, Hermms, cause my filter right now is a larger scale grade meant for keeping _them_ out and so all the small bits from you still slide in which I don’t mind but it’s a little bit too much right now. This needs to be a dual-filter system.” Newton was pacing as his hands gestured along with his words in an attempt to get his point across. He had wanted to know what was happening in the meeting, had appreciated that Hermann was making him aware even if he had vocally omitted the fact that they were talking about actual literal torture here, but that forceful presence of the Precursors trying to break in had made him feel like there was too much in his head to contain. “Drifting….drifting again might not be a bad idea. It forced them down the first time so it might, maybe, help shut them out more so I don’t feel so permeable.”

        “Then I will ensure that we are able to do so.” Hermann had returned to that normal minor presence in the back of his mind and the static had gone back to a relatively distant level. “Why don’t you come sit back down, Newton?”

        He paced a couple more steps before looking at Hermann who was watching him with a sad expression. Newton stilled, stood in the middle of the room looking back at Hermann for a long moment as he tried to gauge what his own feelings were. He was scared, he was nervous and he felt ever aware of the fact that he’d simply traded one prison for another. But he had Hermann. Hermann was sitting there waiting for him patiently. That was something. A big something.

        Newton sighed as he dragged himself back to the bed and sat down feeling worn thin. Hermann’s hand found his, held onto him tightly and Newton leaned to rest against him once more. Now he was tired but it was quiet in his head aside from his own thoughts. Which meant it wasn’t really quiet but it was at least just one data set to parse.

        “I will not allow them to harm you, Newton, none of us will. There are…plans that can be put into motion.”

        Newton felt Hermann’s cheek rest on the top of his head, heard him speak in a quiet hushed tone that likely only he could hear.

        “We will likely hear back on their decision this afternoon and from there we will take the course of action needed. If we get the reprieve…we will need to try and ensure that any interaction they observe leaves no doubt in their mind that you are in control. I will speak with Ms. Mori in the meantime to see about another drift to help solidify your position.”  

 

        Hermann had sat with Newton until he’d fallen asleep against him. Hermann could still feel the pounding of the migraine that carried over from Newton, worried over it as he got Newt tucked into place carefully. Hermann should have realized the need to cut down that flux of emotions between them before Newton had spoken up. He had known that Newton’s own ability to keep things locked down was lax from the previous two days of thoughts and music creeping through in the back of his mind. But, to be honest, Hermann had found it a relief to have Newton tangled close even with the high nerves and fear that accompanied it. It had been his reminder that Newton _was_ still there though that had been dampened greatly at that sense of bile rising to the back of his throat as the Precursors had pushed forcibly at Newton’s mind.

        It was that invasive attempt that had Hermann seeking out Mako Mori now. They hadn’t planned on doing another drift so soon but given everything he felt it was necessary. Not to mention if they had to flee Hermann feared there wouldn’t be another chance.

        He managed to find Mako sitting in an office she seemed to be making her own near LOCCENT; Raleigh ever by her side. They had looked up at him in unison when Hermann knocked, the movement a remnant of their own connection. Raleigh motioned for him to come inside and Hermann made sure the door was closed behind him once he’d stepped into the small office. It had a single window that looked out over the Jaeger bay that had its looming figures currently inactive within its shadows.

        “We were expecting you would be coming by, Dr. Gottlieb. Please have a seat,” Mako motioned at the chair on his side of the desk and Hermann sat with a heavy sigh.

        Raleigh moved to pour him some water from the tank against the wall without asking as Mako settled in the chair across from him. “How is Newton doing?”

        “Not well, I’m afraid. He is frightened and I worry he is still too vulnerable. He tried to give me some information, something that would help us a great deal that he seems to know, but the Precursors…He is able to maintain control but they are still able to force an influence on him, to stop him from speaking.” Hermann accepted the cup of water from Raleigh as he spoke.

        “That is troubling but the fact that he was able to keep them from taking complete control is positive. I know that the meeting with the councilor did not go well this morning but we are doing what we can to sway the opinions of those who withheld their votes. Do you still have the envelope that Raleigh gave you?” Mako frowned in concern as she tucked a strand of blue hair back behind her ear.

        Hermann nodded his head in response, his hand pressing for a moment to his jacket pocket and Mako gave him a soft knowing smile.

        “Give us some time to do what we can to try and protect Newton here but if it becomes clear we are not able to make certain you keep that close.” Raleigh leaned against the side of Mako’s desk to keep eyes on the door as though he was their own sentinel keeping guard.

        “If possible I feel we need to drift again though I know it is a bit sooner than we had originally planned. I hope it will help solidify his hold and if the situation changes suddenly it may be our only chance.”

        “We’ll have to take a few extra precautions given our current company but that probably isn’t a bad idea. We’ll want him as stable as possible for either scenario. We’ll know how much time we have likely by tonight. The council won’t drag their feet on this; your father requested a meeting with the rest of them just a bit ago. I can talk with Tendo, get us set up to for later tonight. Give us time before they can put anything in motion.” Raleigh dropped his gaze away from the door long enough to give Hermann a small reassuring smile.

        “Thank you, both of you.”

        “Of course, Hermann. Now, how are you feeling?” Mako reached across the desk to place a hand on his and Hermann took a deep breath to try and sort that out.

        “I…I will be fine. I will admit I am feeling a bit worn thin. Part of me had believed that getting him back would be the end of it and that we would be able to move on after that. Instead it feels that the complications will just continue to interrupt his…our opportunity to heal.”

        Raleigh and Mako shared a look as Raleigh’s hand came to rest on Hermann’s shoulder. “We’ll make sure you both get your chance. Just may take a bit longer than we’d all like, Dr. Gottlieb.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Before I Go" by Unwritten Law. 
> 
> A great big huge thank you to my beta-reader PicklePlum for helping me clean up this chapter a ton. I am ever appreciative!


	11. But Like a Singer that sings the Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann and Newton drift once more which doesn't go as smoothly as everyone would hope but there's still something positive to be found.   
> Lars begins his watch of Newton's interactions with others and Herc unexpectedly gets Newt a gift to try and help him continue to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and first song mentioned in this chapter is "All you did was save my life" by Our Lady Peace. 
> 
> Later in the chapter is mentioned "Piano Man" by Billy Joel.

            Newton had to stifle a yawn despite how anxious he honestly felt just then. He was sitting across from Hermann at a folding table they’d brought in and set up even though it apparently past midnight. Newton’s sense of time was still off both as a by-product of being stuck in a room 24/7 as well as that residual confusion caused by being locked in his own mind for ten years. Boredom had been eating away at the edges of him, he’d started running through old genetic sequencing processes in his mind to keep himself focused off all the worries and fears that wanted to fill those spaces.

            They were getting ready to drift again and Newton could sense those fears leaking through into his conscious spaces. Hermann had helped him get out of the Precursor’s grasp before but was the continued drifts going to potentially make him more at risk? Was this a bad idea despite how much Newton knew it had helped ground him back in his own body? Those fears rose up in the back of his throat like bile and his leg jumped in a spastic pace beneath the tabletop.

            Newton was honestly maybe a little grateful for the worries because it made it easier to not think on other things. His mind had wanted to focus on other subjects in its restlessness; things that had made the Precursors try to break loose into him mind once already. Diagrams and notes, scribbled bits of information and research into opening the breach. He didn’t want them to come knocking, not when he was going to be hooked up to Hermann in just a few short moments.

            He didn’t want them knocking in general but even less so when Hermann was involved. If being locked in a room with little stimulation was bad it was nothing compared to being paralyzed in your own mind. To feel some other being controlling your moves and words. To not even be able to scream because it just got swallowed up to echo down through your bones. Mentally trussed up, the nuclear core keeping the body powered up while someone else pulled all the strings.

            “Newton.” Hermann’s voice snapped him to attention as he looked up from the spot on the table that he’d been hyper-fixated on for the last few minutes. They were alone in the room suddenly and Newton was left wondering when Tendo had left. Hermann was watching him with tired eyes from across the table that seemed far bigger than it should. A chasm between them; the world too big and yet so utterly tightly contained to this single point in the universe. “It will be just fine. Remember; don’t cling onto any of the memories no matter how tempting.”

            “Right, yeah…don’t chase any rabbits. Got it.” Newton made an attempt at a smile when Hermann gave him a critical look. He got the definite impression that Hermann wasn’t exactly ensured by it but he wasn’t calling this whole thing off either. Of course, he wasn’t, Hermann hadn’t called it off even when Newton was actively a Precursor sock puppet. Newton didn’t really feel he deserved that sort of devotion but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate the hell out of it. He was lucky to have Hermann; it hurt knowing he’d been the reason Hermann had spent ten years thinking he’d done something wrong. He definitely didn’t deserve Hermann.

            Newton took a deep breath as he tried to calm down as Tendo came on over the loud speaker to get some confirmation that they were good to go. Newton knew they were waiting on him and he took a deep breath to try and calm down. The last thing they needed was for him to throw them into a shared panic attack the moment they were connected in the drift. He drummed his fingers against the arm of his chair, made another attempt at a smile in Hermann’s direction that seemed like it was maybe a little more successful this time. He dug inside his mind for a song, the music that had helped reach him in his little mental prison in the first place. Nodded his head in affirmation that he was good to go as he found a tune. Tendo started to count down to the initiation sequence.

_Like the red sea, you split me open_

_Somehow I knew these wings were stolen_

_All you did was save my life_

            The flood of memories washed over them both as the drift kicked in. Flickering images of their intertwining pasts; memories that Newton could recall, some that he couldn’t and some that belonged solely to Hermann. Newton did his best not to cling to any of it, to let those fuzzy moments of memories seen through an alien perspective to slip past, to let those memories of Hermann alone or with someone else or looking at him with utter heartbreak and confusion just slide away. Notebook pages full of scribbled notes, passing thoughts and fruitless hopes flickering by until finally it all slowed down back down to a normal pace.

            They were back to sitting across from each other at the table in his room. Newton took a shaky breath that Hermann mirrored as their entwined minds settled into this strange shared space. It was something Newton wasn’t certain he’d be able to get used to, not fully, the feeling of them flowing back and forth between each other. Invisible currents of firing synapses. The mutual sense of relief settled in; relief that they had made it this far. Relief at what was their first semi-normal drift that was matched in the tone of Tendo’s voice as he came back over the loud speaker.

            “Drift is strong and stable, boys. Let’s start working on some of these tests.”

            Newton blinked in confusion at the comment and felt Hermann’s answer fill his mind. He’d apparently missed Tendo explaining that they’d be going through some tests to help strengthen and test their bond. Newton felt a moment of contrition for his lack of attention but it was brushed aside by Hermann easily as Tendo prompted them to pick up the tablets in front of them.

            The first few tests consisted of one of them getting a question and the other having to choose the right response without them verbally informing each other. Newton made a quiet noise of amusement as they went through the choices carefully. It reminded him of the old psychic tests that they had portrayed in movies or, at times, done in real life without much success. It was simple when your brains were literally connected together through machinery and electrical impulses firing off between the two. They moved off of simple questions to more complicated ones which was followed by pattern recognitions as symbols and patterns showed on one side and the other would choose the corresponding shape.

            “Is this really what you all had them do during the early phases of testing?” Newton glanced up at Hermann as he asked the question, pushing on the shape that he could tell Hermann was looking at as he spoke.

            “It seemed the easiest way aside from physical tests and the actual trials with aspects of the jaeger machinery. It does feel rather rudimentary but it worked well for our purposes until we were on stronger ground for true trials.” As Hermann answered him Newton got a flicker of memory; medical labs set up similar to this with potential jaeger pilots being put through these same tests. Hermann working on coding before running a response trial on a prototype with the help of Caitlin. That maybe hurt a little; seeing Caitlin through Hermann’s eyes in that surreal moment of memory. They both shook it off, let is slide away as Newton looked back down at his tablet to focus on the next pattern. “I wasn’t certain what else to do that would help test and strengthen our connection.”

            “No, this is good. I mean, it’s not like we can climb into a jaeger or even the simulator. That’d probably end poorly. I mean, I’ve cut up my fair share of kaiju but-“

**Alice.**

 

            Newton winced at the sudden upheaval; pushed his chair back from the tablet as the screen of the tablet momentarily had shifted into a notebook in his mind. Hermann had copied the movement, reacted on Newton’s instinct, and there was a sharp pain in their left knee.

            “Sorry, I don’t-“

**Almost gave us away today. Which is why we need you, Alice. We can’t have him blowing our shot at this; we have access to everything we need through Shao.**

           

            Newton was in the apartment, himself and yet not. Inside and looking out as his voice spoke words that weren’t his own. The memory seemed stilted somehow, like only portions had been saved in his mind. The images would suddenly stagger forward, jumping forward in time like someone had come in and cut out sections of the film.

            He’d still been fighting at this point, still been trying to rebel against them and only having minor successes. Notebooks were scattered across the countertop of the kitchen and a sickly green-yellow glow was coming from the bedroom where Alice’s tank was stored. They’d just managed to get a hold of her, managed to quietly get her into the apartment with the help of some hired thugs who hadn’t asked many questions since the money was good enough.

            _Combined laser output must be enough to heat the single-point focus to 2*10 12 K to create a quark-gluon plasma and hold it there forcing the creation of a CFL quark matter. Watts/second per diagrams = 5*10^8/s…_

            Newton’s handwriting was scribbled across the page that held the designs for Shao’s drones. It was an early version but there had been some specifics that had carried through all the models as far as weaponry and design. The high intensity laser weapons made to cut through and cauterize wounds in the case of a kaiju attack was one of those things that would stick. He stood up with a shake of his head as he headed towards the bedroom to step inside the doorway and looked at the portion of kaiju brain floating there. Stared it down as it lifted a disconnected tentacle to press against the glass.

            From somewhere unseen Hermann’s voice reached him. “Newton, you have to let the memory go.”

            Newton snapped back suddenly in a disorienting manner to the room with Hermann sitting across from him looking panicked. The memory had risen up and engulfed him so unexpectedly that he’d been lost in it before he had even realized it. Newton shook his head, tried to let the thoughts and memories go to focus on the here and now. It felt like a punch to his gut when it seemed like the room was suddenly rattled by a force slamming into it. _A shelter. Running and being hunted through the streets. Beneath the streets. It knows I’m here, it knows I’m here._

            The static was trying to rise up, was pushing against the back of his mind and testing for some weakness. Hermann was leaning across the table, a hand holding onto his with an earnest look as the room rattled around them. The space flickered in and out of memory and reality; first the crowded shelter beneath the streets and then back to the room brightly lit beneath the Shatterdome. Blue light started to fill the edges of his vision and Newton knew if he looked behind him that brilliant blooming flower would be looming.

            “Fight like hell.” It was unclear which one of them had spoken; Newton or Hermann. It may have been them both at once as Newton tried to mentally slam those doors shut in the Precursor’s face. The room shook once more around them and then for a second they were on the beach as an enraged wail caused ripples on the surface of the calm sea waters and then they were back in the room.

            Hermann and Newton were both leaning over the table, hands clasped at each other’s elbows as they stared into each other’s eyes. The static was gone, receded back to a hushed whisper in the back of their shared mind space. Hermann heaved a sigh and Newton could feel that flicker of relief and then immediate disappointment. Disappointment that it had happened; that there was still a way for them to try and punch through his defenses. It made Newton pull back from him feelings chastised and hurt. It caused a weird feedback between them; shared emotions bouncing back and forth in response.

 

_Self-loathing. **Regret.** Fear. **Comfort.** Doubt. **Apologetic.** Sadness. **Love, love, love, love…** love. _

            Newton wiped at the tears on his cheeks with the heels of his hands as he tried to help pull them collectively back together. Hermann was still standing, reaching across the table for him with his hand upturned, palm offered for him. Newton nodded, not really sure what he was agreeing to or indicating with the movements, but he reached forward and took Hermann’s hand in his.

            Tendo’s voice interrupted the silence of the room as Hermann finally eased himself back down in the chair. “I need you boys to talk to me.”

            “We’re fine now, Mr. Choi,” Hermann answered for them as Newton stared down at their linked hands. “I believe we should be finished for tonight though. Do you agree Newton?” Newton lifted his gaze up to meet Hermann’s and then realized he was expected to answer out loud. Hermann gave his hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance, an extra link between their muddled selves.

            “Yeah, yeah…that’s probably best.” They sat quietly as Tendo disconnected the drift and eventually appeared at the door on his own to get them unhooked from the equipment. Newton’s hand stayed linked with Hermann’s through all of this; the lingering effects of the drift still allowed some of their thoughts and emotions to shift between them. Newton couldn’t shake that initial feeling of disappointment from Hermann; couldn’t shake his own disappointment and fear. There was no need to explain to him that that sort of slip up couldn’t happen over the next few days.

            Tendo was crouched in front of him so he could get the PONs headset off of him and he tapped Newton on the cheek lightly to get his attention. “They tried again?”

            Newton frowned as he nodded in response, not trusting his voice just then not to be broken and weak. He figured it had to be pretty damn obvious they had tried to push through. It should have been even more obvious to Tendo with all the read outs and vitals that would have been feeding through to him on his monitors. Newton knew anger wasn’t the best response but it was what he felt at the question.

            “You did good. They didn’t get even a second from what I could see. It was the two of you the whole time; other than the spike of panic there wasn’t a single unexpected shift in vitals.” Tendo gave Newton a small smile and a pat on the shoulder before he moved to set the headset in its cradle with the rest of the equipment.

            Newton felt a bit contrite at his anger though he continued to feel it stirring beneath the surface. Still, knowing that they hadn’t gotten a good hold even for a moment was a comforting. Newton and Hermann continued to sit there even once Tendo had gotten the portable PONs put away and rolled it back out of the room. Hermann had a tight hold on his hand and Newton wasn’t exactly inclined to let go either.

            After a year, or just a few minutes, Hermann took a deep breath as he prepared to speak. “You are doing extraordinarily well, Newton.”

            “But?” Newton raised an eyebrow at Hermann as he waited for the follow up to the statement. He knew it was there; knew that some thoughts were lingering in the back of Hermann’s mind even if he couldn’t quite get a clear impression of them now that they weren’t so intrinsically linked.

            “I feel we could be doing better for you. I understand the feelings that you’ve traded one prison for another. I have been intending to help you feel less stuck here but I’ve not focused enough on it. I will try and find some things that will help occupy you during the days. Would it help if some of the others came to visit as well? Not just Mr. Choi and me? We…I was worried it would be overwhelming but I know some of them would like to spend time with you as well.”

            “That might be nice…if they want to.” It hadn’t been what Newton was expecting. He couldn’t imagine that any of the others aside from Mako probably cared enough to spend much time. The thought of sitting in a room with Mako knowing what he…they had tried to do was a bit nerve wracking as well. He couldn’t deny his curiosity on how she was doing though. Couldn’t deny the worry he felt that she may hold some resentment towards him.

            “I will suggest it then. It likely wouldn’t hurt to have Lars observe you with more than just me as it is.” Hermann gave his hand a squeeze and then looked down at his watch for a second. Newton could tell that he was reluctantly about to tell him he needed to leave for the night. It was late and if Lars was going to start watching him tomorrow Newton would need to try and be on the top of his game. More than that; because Newton didn’t want someone coming in to try and force information out of him. Out of the Precursors through him. He knew well enough that they weren’t affected by his physical pain. There were enough lingering memories to reinforce that fact.

            Newton also didn’t want to be responsible for Hermann choosing to run. And Hermann was more than ready to do so despite it meaning leaving everything he’d built behind. Newton had left, had been the one who had left Hermann behind and made him feel like he was nothing. He didn’t want to be the one who made Hermann leave the family and friends who surrounded him so that he had nothing. Nothing but Newton; who wasn’t much of anything at all.

            Hermann was giving him a sad sort of look which made it clear that Newton wasn’t doing a very good job at filtering his thoughts again. “Newton…”

            “It’s fine. I’m fine, really, Hermms. It’s…it’d be nice to see some of the others, whoever there is. Gotta start facing people at some point, right?” Newton realized he had tears running down his cheeks and he rubbed roughly at them with the back of his free hand. “I think I’m just kind of tired. It’s late, right?” He hadn’t meant to sound uncertain on that. Of course it was late; it had to be almost two or three in the morning by now, right? Newton looked at the clock and found it was just now nearing one AM. How did time move so slow now when ten years had passed in just a few moments?

            Hermann hesitated for a second longer before patting Newton’s forearm. “Come on, let’s get you settled then.”

            “I might…” Newton shook his head a little trying to clear out some of the confusion and emotion. “You know, I might jump in the shower for a bit. Let the water clear my head some. You go on; get to bed. You need to get some rest, you have more important things than tucking me in to do, dude.”

            “You are the most important thing, Newt-“ Hermann paused as Newton gave a soft bark of laughter that was definitely part sob. “Try to sleep in tomorrow. You deserve your rest and I will check in later.”

            Newton could feel some of Hermann’s uncertainty at leaving him alone. It wasn’t just in the grip that lingered on his hand but in the flow of his emotions before he put up those mental barriers for both their sakes. Newton felt a confusing rush of pride, love and sadness when Hermann lifted his hand and placed a gentle kiss to his knuckles before finally letting go.

            Newton sat for a few minutes after Hermann left the room, teeth worrying at his thumb nail before he took one of those deep breathes that reminded his lungs he needed the air and got up. Time had jumped forward at some point on him and it was suddenly three in the morning. He still retreated back to the small bathroom, still climbed into the shower to stand for a long time under the hot spray of water that sent his nerve endings sparking beneath his skin in a reminder that it was his. By the time he got out and changed it was suddenly almost five in the morning and the lights in his room had been dimmed by whoever was sitting behind the mirrored window.

            Newton pulled the covers over himself entirely, curled up and hoped the blankets would help hold in that lingering warmth of hot water and steam that was clinging to him like an embrace. He fell asleep to the sound of ocean waves and silence in his mind.

 

            Hermann was on his second cup of coffee that morning as he stood in his small office off the side of the main lab. It had been an incredibly late night even after they’d completed the almost interrupted drift. Hermann had taken the time to go over the read outs during the drift to confirm for himself that Tendo was correct; though there had been a spike in both of their vitals it had been more in line with panic and not an indication of Newton momentarily losing control.

            They had also discussed more of the group interacting with Newton as well as what else they could provide him to keep his focus off being stuck in his current prison. Hermann had made a few suggestions though he’d been exhausted and distracted by the lingering feelings creeping into his thoughts from Newton’s end of the drift. Once they’d finally departed the observation room and Hermann had managed to fall into a restless sleep he’d only managed about three hours before needing to be awake again.

            He was now jotting down what he remembered from the flash of Newton’s memory from the night before. Though he wished Newton would keep his thoughts far away from the subject he had been given some slight insight by the slip the night before. It wasn’t exactly unfamiliar to him, the quark-gluon plasma had been a main focus of the Large Hadron Collider during its early years before much had been postponed due to the war. Some of the work coming out of the facility had, in fact, helped shape his own models of the breach. It could be a key, something that would help them resolve the missing piece of information on how to open the breach themselves. He’d been working with Shao for much of the morning as she experimented with one of her own laser-prototypes that she’d had brought in. He’d made suggestions in line with that small glimpse of information and hoped it would lead them to the answer without having to admit where the initial inspiration had come from. If anyone asked he would say the LHC experiments had aimed him down the right path; that A.L.I.C.E. had been key.

            He had stared for a long time at the acronym when he’d pulled up some of the old articles on the LHC. “A Large Ion Collison Experiment” or A.L.I.C.E. for short. The sensor that had helped identify quark-gluon plasma within the collider. He wasn’t entirely certain if Newton had intended the name as a link; wasn’t certain Newton would have even looked into the details of the LHC so closely given the war starting in such close proximity. Certainly, Newton hadn’t given any indication that there was a connection in the present.

            But there had been a few other things Hermann had stewed over since the discovery of the Precursor’s possession. They were things he hoped to run past Tendo to see if he was just reaching for more signs that Newton had tried to fight, to warn them, perhaps in an unconscious manner that even he wasn’t directly aware of. Hermann knew he was likely reaching. He wasn’t sure why given that any new sign of Newton calling out for help would be another failure on his part. It felt immensely important to him though; to know that Newton had continued to rebel throughout the years.

            “Is this a bad time, Dr. Gottlieb?” Hermann forced himself to close the notebook slowly so not to draw unwarranted attention to it. He relaxed some though as he saw Herc standing in the doorway with a thin, long box leaned against the frame next to him.

            “No, I was just wrapping up some work before I headed down to check on Dr. Geiszler. Is there something you need to discuss?” Hermann took a moment to finish his cup of coffee, debating whether a third was advisable or not.

            Herc seemed to be hesitating as he shifted the box next to him. “When we were talking about Geiszler feeling a bit cagey being stuck in a room for so long you had mentioned maybe getting him an instrument to help pass the time. Especially with the way music seems to help him. I remembered you all used to have a piano in the old lab and thought it wouldn’t hurt to give him something similar.”

            Hermann stood up to look a bit more closely at the box and realized that it was a keyboard. He felt a stir of emotion at the unexpected gesture as he gave Herc a grateful smile. “Yes, I think he’d rather like that Marshal. Thank you.”

            Herc gave a short nod of his head as he patted the top of the box. “If you’re ready to head down I’ll walk with you. Carry it down though I’ll let you give it to him. We didn’t talk much, Geiszler and me, so it’d be better coming from you.”

            Hermann cleared his throat which had grown tight with the swell of gratitude; turned to both take the chance to collect himself as the emotion overtook him in his fatigued state as well as to place the notebook into the drawer of his desk to be locked away in a similar fashion.

            The two of them started down the hall, walking alongside each other with the keyboard tucked under Herc’s arm; carefully balanced. Hermann knew that Herc had been the one to stay and watch Newton after the drift the night before. He would have had to go out that morning to purchase the keyboard unless he’d had one tucked away somewhere. “Thank you for thinking of this, Marshal. I was hoping to go and get something myself but every time I believe I have a moment I seem to get pulled away or wish to spend the time with him.”

            “If there’s something else you think might help you can always let me know, Dr. Gottlieb. Now that Ms. Mori has stepped back into her position as Secretary General I’ve not been needed as much. I can’t help much with all this stuff, with getting Dr. Geiszler back to feeling more himself, so if there’s something I can get that will help out with any of it just say the word.” Herc leaned and pushed the button for the elevator and they stood waiting for it for a few seconds.

            Hermann eyed Herc during those moments as they stood and waited. He hardly felt it was appropriate to use the Marshal as some sort of errand boy but there were some things he had thought would benefit Newton. Some things he knew they’d need if they were forced to run. He’d had so little time to himself given the pressing need to plan for the approaching attack on the anteverse and wanting to spend as much time as he could with Newton.

            “I may take you up on that offer, Marshal. There are a few things I have thought may be beneficial but that I’ve not had the time to acquire myself.” The elevator doors opened and they both stepped inside as Hermann spoke. Newton was his top priority but that hadn’t made all his other duties disappear either. Still, he wanted to give Newton the best chance to rehabilitate as possible. To not leave him feeling trapped in a different sense.

            “You just let me know what you need. It’s the least I can do.”

            “Thank you, Marshal.”

            They shared in some idle talk the rest of the way to Newton’s current quarters. Herc was still working to help prepare what remaining rangers they had for the attempt on the anteverse. They had already decided it would be one of Shao’s drones that would go through the actual breach but they would need jaegers nearby on this side in case the Precursors sent kaiju through in retaliation. Most of their remaining rangers were children; too young to be expected to fight and it clearly bothered Herc the same as it did Hermann. There was little they could do given the loss of so many of their more seasoned rangers at the hands of the corrupted drones. Most of them had never faced an actual kaiju during their time in the conn-pods either.

            Lars was there when they entered the observation room and Hermann made a point of ignoring him. Herc gave him a nod of his head but that was the only real acknowledgement given to Lars at all. Hermann had no doubt that this raised Lars’ blood pressure by a few points but he could hardly find the energy to care.

            Caleb and Ford sat looking far less relaxed and welcoming than the medics typically had in the past given their extra guest. They still gave him a small wave as he moved towards the door to Newton’s room. Hermann paused by the window to look in on Newton who looked as though he’d stirred awake only recently. He was sitting with his back against the wall as he seemed to scribble in the notebook Tendo had given him. His hair was still wild from sleep and he appeared to be in his pajamas still despite it being midday.

            “Do you mind carrying it in for me, Marshal?” Hermann nodded towards the box Herc had propped against the wall. Herc was eyeing Lars with a steely sort of look though he nodded his head at Hermann’s request. His gaze stayed on Lars as if sensing there was going to be an argument from the councilor. Hermann had no doubt his father would have issue with them giving Newton anything that may be beneficial.

            “And what exactly is that?” Lars voice ground on Hermann’s nerves; the superior tone and clear offense that he hadn’t been informed anything would be brought down to Newton. 

            “It is a keyboard. We have found that music has played a key role in Dr. Geiszler’s recovery. Given the lack of stimulus in his current confined quarters it would help give him something to pass the time as well.” Hermann finally turned to look at his father who had raised a single eyebrow at him with a critical expression.

            “Are you allowed to simply make decisions on what items Dr. Geiszler is supplied? We cannot simply be handing him over whatever he requests with the assumption it is to help him and not just another ploy by these Precursors. I hope you have submitted the proper paperwork and not taken it upon yourself to be the sole decision maker in regards to this, Hermann.” Lars shook his head as Hermann felt his own temper spike.  He didn’t need to look through the window to know that Newton had stopped writing whatever he’d been working on in the notebook at stare towards the window. Didn’t need to see the look of annoyance on Newton’s face as Hermann failed at keeping his own frustration and anger from slipping past his defenses.

            “Actually, it was my idea, Councilor. I’ve ran it past the Secretary General who still has authority over this facility and how we treat those who are within its walls. Now, my understanding is that you’re supposed to simply be observing, so…” Herc spoke up behind Hermann, a hand resting on his shoulder for a second as he spoke in an even but cold voice. Lars narrowed his eyes at them both but even the high and mighty Lars Gottlieb seemed to think twice about pushing the issue with Herc Hansen.

            “Just wanted to ensure that all the necessary forms were in place and that the proper precautions are being taken.” Lars sniffed with a dismissive air but didn’t seem to argue any more as Hermann turned towards the door. He couldn’t imagine he’d be able to repay Herc for the times he’d defended him. Hermann knew that was far from the first time and the Marshal had repeatedly expressed a willingness to go to the trenches for them.

            Newton was still sitting back against the wall when Hermann stepped into the room with Herc close behind him. The notebook was sitting open in his lap but he closed it as they approached and scooted to the edge of the bed looking a bit confused and perhaps a little intimidated by Herc’s presence.

            “Hey Marshal.”

            “How you going, Dr. Geiszler?” Herc gave Newton a nod of his head, his expression reassuring and warm as he set the box with the keyboard in it across the mattress near Newton’s pillow. 

            “Alright, I mean…all things considering, I guess.” Newton glanced at Hermann to give him a shy sort of smile though he didn’t keep his eyes off Herc for long. Hermann could feel Newton’s confusion and he wished there was a way to explain how many people truly did wish to help. Hermann was surprised himself at all the aid they’d been given so he didn’t feel qualified to answer those questions. Instead he just tried to relay that they’d been blessed with a small but dedicated family.

            “It’ll be right, mate. Don’t go worrying yourself, alright?” Herc patted Newton’s knee gently, speaking a little quieter in his reassurance. He cleared his throat as he straightened back out seeming to feel a bit awkward as he gave Hermann a quick nod. “I’ll be hanging around for a bit if you need anything else.”

            Hermann felt some relief knowing that Herc would be in the other room likely keeping Lars in line. Newton was sitting up straight, leaning to look at the box with a small frown of curiosity. Hermann could feel the sense of excitement as he took in the keyboard with its stand depicted on the box art. It felt a little bit like joy; the first real sense of pure joy he thought he’d felt from Newton since getting him back.

            “Dude, really?” Newton scooted closer to the box as he started working on getting it opened up. Hermann sat down on the corner of the bed with a light smile, choosing to ignore his father’s presence and all it entailed for the moment to simply enjoy this.

            “We thought it would give you something productive to occupy your time with. You always did love playing the piano that had been stored in the old lab.” Hermann couldn’t quite bring himself to take full credit for the idea as Herc had suggested. He may have mentioned an instrument as a possibility the night before but Herc had been the one who had followed through that morning.

            “Yeah, I mean, definitely. Thank you, this looks like one of the higher end models too. I mean, granted, I don’t really know what constitutes as a high-end model _now_ but back when I was actually, you know, actively in control to play music this looks like a higher end model. I hope the tones good, well, really even if its not like exact it will be nice to get my hands on something to play again.”

            Hermann watched as Newton carefully got the keyboard out of the box along with its simple stand. He started working on getting it set up on the stand, talking in an animated fashion that was both instantly familiar and heartbreaking. It was as if for a moment everything that had happened faded away and they were in the lab together, Newton rambling on about something at a mile a minute. Hermann should have done this sooner, should have taken the time despite everything that had been piled onto his plate. It may have only been a short amount of time in the grander scheme of things but it felt as though the entire decade had been balanced on this moment. Only a few days yet it felt suddenly like a lifetime.

            Newton had gotten the few steps required to get the keyboard set up completed and finally turned it on. “I think it even has touch sensitive keys, Hermms…” Newton looked up towards Hermann and his expression seemed to fall instantly into an uncertain frown. “Hey…everything ok? Is something wrong? Did I say something wrong?”

            Hermann blinked as he got a hold on himself. He felt momentarily confused with the flow of time as he glanced around his surroundings and finally settled on Newton’s face once more. Newton stared at him with concern, licked his lips in that nervous fashion of his as Hermann gave a soft shake of his head.

            “No, no of course you didn’t. I apologize, I just think I got lost in my thoughts.” Hermann hesitated for a moment but then let some of his guards down; let Newton get some of the memories and emotion that had crossed his mind. “As I said before, we should be doing more to help you feel more comfortable here.”

            “Don’t beat yourself up about that, dude, really. It’s not bad, not compared to…” The sadness had returned to Newton’s features and thoughts as Hermann had shared his. He turned to let his fingers rest on the keys of the keyboard lightly, not pressing down yet as he sat for a few long moments. “I’m not stuck in my head anymore, right?” There was a lingering breath where it seemed like Newton was truly asking. That it wasn’t just a rhetorical question but one that he truly needed an answer for. He caught himself quickly; cleared his throat as he continued to speak. “I’ve got that and I’ve got you and the others…” Newton absently started to play a tune, slow and mournful sounding as Hermann got the reflection of Newton’s awe over the different people who were helping them. For once it was tinged with a bit of acceptance; a well-contained joy at the thought of their small family. “And I now have this awesome keyboard. All about counting blessings or something like that.”

            “Yes,” Hermann said in gentle agreement as he reached to press a hand lightly to Newton’s cheek. Newton leaned into his touch even as he continued to play the sad tune and Hermann leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead. This made Newton’s song stop as they stayed close together and Hermann dipped his head down so their foreheads rested against each other as they just enjoyed being close to one another. Hermann’s thumb caressed along Newton’s cheek and he toyed with the thought of kissing him. It was still far too early, too presumptuous given everything Newton had been through. Even with him being able to feel Newton’s own desire in the back of his mind Hermann couldn’t make himself feel it was proper just yet.

            After a few seconds of them sitting quiet and close; Newton gave a shy sort of laugh. “Dude, come on, your dad’s watching…”

            Hermann felt a touch of heat rise to his face as he realized he’d somehow managed to _forget_ that little detail. He didn’t pull back to a more respectable distance right away though, stayed there looking into Newton’s freckled green eyes before pressing another chaste kiss to his forehead and sitting up straight. Newton huffed quietly beside him; clearly disappointed though Hermann could also feel the slightest bit of relief. Yes, still too soon but perhaps someday.

            “Why don’t you play me something?” Hermann’s eyes glanced briefly at the window where their audience would be sitting. He tried not to linger, tried not to let the fear and anger that his father’s presence embodied for him rise up inside him.

            “Are you asking me, the piano man, to play you a song?” Newton chuckled at his joke as his hands found the keys again and he started the song. As Hermann listened to the melancholy tune he believed he could hear a note of hope carried through in Newton’s rough voice. “He says, ‘Son, can you play me a memory…I’m not really sure how it goes…but it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man’s clothes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic continues to be a bit of a slow paced fic so I hope you all don't mind. I'm taking my time to get them where they need to be. We will likely have some small jumps in times coming up after the next few chapters though.


	12. Trust me, I know, Life gets scary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton gets visited by Mako and Jake who both remind him of times when he helped shaped their outlook when they were younger. The final piece is put into place for the assault on the breach and all that's left is planning and repairs on the jaegers needed for the assault.   
> All the while Lars is observing the interactions with Newton to make his decision on what to do with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and song mentioned is Kesha's "Rainbow" which is an extremely fitting on the nose song.

              “I don’t understand why we have to do this.” Jake shook his head as Amara complained again the moment they had stepped into the elevator. He could feel Nate’s eyes on him but Jake refused to look at him. They’d already argued about the idea more than he could stand. It had been a few days since they’d talked last because of that and then Nate goes and shows up asking Jake to come with him while he took the two cadets down to see Dr. Geiszler as though it had been his idea all along. The elevator was practically overflowing with attitude between the four of them just then.

              “There is no reason. They are just punishing us for speaking out of line.” Vik huffed as she crossed her arms and leaned against the back of the elevator in a slight sulk. She sent Nate a nasty look that had him going into _Superior Officer_ mode within seconds. Jake looked down at his shoes to hide the smirk the came to his lips at that bristling act.

              “This isn’t punishment but is sure as hell can become one, cadets, if you aren’t on your best behavior. I want you both to shut up and pay attention in there; don’t speak and try for once not to judge. Dr. Geiszler isn’t this monster lurking in the basement you both have made him out to be. He’s a man who had something stolen from him and he’s doing his best to get it back. If the councilor is present while we’re there you both stay silent, don’t address him unless he addresses you first and for god’s sake don’t mouth off to him unless you both want to be kicked. Understood?” Jake met Nate’s eyes momentarily as Amara and Vik grumbled their understanding with clear displeasure. Nate shook his head a little in clear exasperation and quickly stepped out of the elevator when the doors opened at last.

              “Come on you two. If we’re lucky the councilor won’t even be there but if he is you better listen to Lambert. The guy’s an ass and won’t hesitate to kick you both if you piss him off. So best behavior and all that, yeah?” Jake waved the both of them out of the elevator before following along himself. Amara and Vik stayed back with him; falling in step as they watched Nate’s back for a few seconds before Amara leaned in close.

              “Is it true this councilor guy is Dr. Gottlieb’s dad? Like, isn’t the guy already ancient? How old _is_ his dad?”

              “I have heard Councilor Gottlieb is pretentious ass. Though also he wishes to torture this Geiszler. Perhaps he is not so bad.” Jake pulled them both to a stop at this comment and gave them both his best attempt at a stern look. He would have preferred if they could have done this after the councilor had left but that was the thing. Jake wanted the cadets to get that Geiszler wasn’t what those things had made him over the years.

              But if they tried to wait for the week to pass then there was every chance they’d never understand that. If the council still tried to move ahead with torturing Geiszler the guy may not survive or would be even further gone by the end of that.

              Granted, Jake knew well enough that if the council moved forward that Geiszler would likely simply disappear right along with Dr. Gottlieb. Mako pretty much always had a backup plan.

              “Look you two, I get your pissed off, yeah? But your anger should be at these Precursor assholes and not Dr. Geiszler. The guy has dealt with enough bullshit. He’s had everything taken from him which is something I’d think at least one of you could maybe understand. So, lay off this bullshit attitude you both have thinking you’re badass.” Vik gave him one of her clenched jaw, ‘if I could punch you I would’ looks but Amara managed to look a little apologetic at least. “And yeah…Gottlieb’s old man is an ass and he’s probably like a hundred years old. That just makes him easier to piss off so don’t be all this in there, right?”

              “Right.” Amara sighed as she pouted a little. She nudged Vik when her partner just continued to stand looking at Jake defiantly.

              “Da.” Vik finally said with a roll of her eyes. He had wanted the two of them to get over their issues and get along. He wished they hadn’t decided to become a united front of pure sass when it finally happened. Jake nodded before turning to start down the hallway with the full expectation that they’d follow after him. By the sound of their teenage angst stomping along they had. Nate had stopped a little way up and gave him a questioning look, raised eyebrow and all. Jake answered with a grin that was maybe a little tenser than he liked being pretty much ever.  

              The observation room was dim when he stepped in ahead of the others but they didn’t have the sort of luck he’d been hoping for. Councilor Gottlieb looked back at them from where he was sitting near the window looking into Geiszler’s room with clear disapproval on his face. The look deepened when Amara and Vik entered and Nate motioned for them to take a seat near the back of the room. Tendo was the one manning the station that had Geiszler’s readouts on the screen. He didn’t say anything just then but Jake knew that there’d be comments later on. They had maybe failed to run this whole thing past Dr. Gottlieb before moving ahead with it. He’d make sure to mention how that was Nate’s fault later.

              Lars Gottlieb eyed them for a few moments longer before he turned his attention back through the window without comment though he marked something down in the notebook sitting in his lap. It was just Geiszler in the room, sitting with a notebook in his lap though he seemed to have forgotten it was there as he frowned in thought.  

              “Are we just supposed to sit here and watch him sit around in his sweats all day?” Amara muttered the question and Jake kicked her foot with a frown. She gave him a wide-eyed look that Jake could hear the sarcasm from. Jake sat back in his chair for a few moments watching Geiszler. He looked tired, though he looked tired pretty much every time Jake saw him. He finally seemed to scribble something down though it seemed almost like an afterthought before he tapped the end of the pencil idly on the page a few times.

              “I’ll want to see that notebook later.” Lars spoke specifically to Tendo who gave the man a look that he was probably lucky wasn’t seen. Lars gave a sigh when he didn’t get a response and turned to look back at Tendo expectantly.

              “Of course, councilor,” Tendo said with a smile that fell of his face the moment Lars turned back around. As the seconds ticked by in silence Jake realized he hadn’t really thought through it this much; hadn’t thought over whether it would be better to bring them down to see him when someone was actually visiting the guy or not. He chanced a look at Nate who was frowning thoughtfully at the window as well. They shared a quick look and Nate shrugged as though that was helpful.

              Nate then tilted his head towards the door into Geiszler’s room with a suggestive raise of his eyebrows. Newton and Jake had known each other, well, not really knew each other all that well but they’d talked a few times before Jake had gotten kicked out. He had never spent time down in the labs like Mako had but it was impossible not to cross paths from time to time back then. He’d even offered Jake some advice that day that had, maybe, somewhat shaped Jake’s philosophy though he’d not really ever given thought to that fact. He also knew that Newt remembered him despite their minimal interactions.

              Jake reached over to pat Tendo’s shoulder to get his attention. “Mind if I?” Tendo looked a little uncertain; glanced over towards Lars who was clearly listening though he hadn’t turned around to face them.

              “Yeah, my man, go ahead.” Jake nodded and got up from his chair. Really, Dr. Geiszler could use some lightening up anyway. Jake could provide that probably better than the others. Amara quietly called out his name before shrinking back into her chair when Lars turned to give her a critical look over his shoulder. Jake gave her a grin before he opened the door to step inside the room with Geiszler who looked up wide-eyed at the sudden intrusion.

            “Hey Dr. G.” Jake was doing what he did best and hoping that it’d not screw things up entirely.

            “H-Hey Jake. I, uh, I didn’t realize you were going to stop in today. How are you?” Dr. Geiszler looked confused as Jake moved to grab a chair and pull it up next to the bed. The keyboard Marshal Hansen had brought in sat nearby, light glowing to say it was still switched on like Geiszler had been playing it at some point.

            “Ah, I’m good, man. How are you? You writing something?” Jake motioned towards the keyboard that Newton looked down at like he was just now realizing it was there. He gave an uncomfortable sort of laugh as he glanced at Jake before looking around the room nervously. Maybe he should have had Tendo give some warning; they’d had barely any interactions since Newton had gotten to be Newt again. The last real interaction they’d had aside from the momentary acknowledgement that Newt remembered him had all been before when he’d still been possessed by those things.

            “Maybe, I don’t know. It’s been a long time and it’s not something I really, like, forgot how to do but…rusty I guess? So, you’re back working for the PPDC? I mean, obviously, cause you’re here and it would make sense cause you were always pretty good. Just kind of surprising because of the whole getting kicked out thing when you were a kid and how you swore you wouldn’t come back and all that. Boy wonder, right?”

            “Yeah, well…things changed. Got in some trouble. This was the option they gave me and it sounded a bit better than jail, yeah?” Newton gave a soft hiccup of laughter though he glanced towards the door with a sad look. Yeah, Geiszler definitely knew how bad of an option prison could be. “What are you going to do when you get out in the world again, G?”

            “Hm…Oh, uh, ha ha. I don’t really know? Who knows when that’s going to be anyway? I guess just try to find where I fit anymore. That question seems a lot bigger than it really ever felt before. I don’t…I don’t really have a basis for an answer to it right now? Sorry. I knew once what I was going to do but that was before ten years sort of just blipped out of existence for me. I mean, what university is going to take me as a professor? That’s out. Not to mention having that many people just…focused on me for hours at a time; I…God, ha, the world seems really big and kind of…intimidating…” Newton started to sound lost and maybe a little hopeless and Jake could get that. Could sympathize with that on a level he wouldn’t have honestly expected as he dropped some of the ‘everything is normal’ act.

            “Hey, you remember what you told me that last day?” Jake nudged Newton’s knee with his to get some of that spiraling focus back on him. Newton frowned at him as he seemed to be trying to think it over. “You said that it probably felt like I was losing something but I was really gaining it. That there was a whole future out there that I just hadn’t thought of yet and I just had to have the balls to go get it.”

            “You don’t have to be a part of the machine to be a wonder.” Newton offered the key phrase he’d once said to an angry and brokenhearted former cadet who was about to be shipped off because of his bravado and foolishness.

            “Exactly. And you, you ain’t a part of that machine anymore, G. Might be intimidating but you just gotta have the balls to go find what fits.” Newton gave him a small smile and Jake grinned back at him as he leaned to pat his shoulder reassuringly. “Hey, I got an old handheld game system that I don’t mess with much anymore. How bout I bring that by later for you? Give you something a bit different to do. There’s this one really awesome game where you play this plumber that’s on shrooms. You probably haven’t heard of it; I’m pretty sure it’s after your time.” Jake kept a serious face on as Newton frowned at him with a skeptical look like he wasn’t sure if Jake was being serious or not. He gave the guy a break after a second, grinned at him as he leaned back in his chair and Newton relaxed a little and gave a roll of his eyes.

            “Dude, I know what Mario is. I’m not that fucking old; I’m only…Jesus, I’m forty-five years old.” Newton sounded a little in awe as he did the math in his head. That sadness came back to his features like a flood that pushed away the momentary laughter; he wasn’t really hard to read. It didn’t seem like he really knew how to hide his emotions from registering on his face. Jake nudged his shoe with his own; pulled his attention away from the fact that he’d added ten years in what seemed to have been an instance for him. “But anyway, I know what Mario is. I was playing Mario before you were even conceived.”

            “I forget you old timers actually remember when video games were invented sometimes.”

            “Yeah, we’ll see how you feel when you get to be my age. I wouldn’t mind the game system though…if you were serious. I have the keyboard and Tendo brought me some movies and an old tv they could spare but it’d be nice…ya know?” Newton’s fingers toyed with the pencil, turning it over in his hands a few times before he closed the notebook when he noticed Jake looking at it. Jake caught a glimpse of small blocks of scribbled words with some musical notes doodled in before the pages closed completely.

            “Yeah, course. I’ll bring it down later. I’ve already beaten all the games I have. Haven’t had much time to play it lately either.”

            “I’m sorry…” Jake frowned when he heard Newton apologize. He toyed with the corner of the notebook cover before shifting it nervously aside. He kept a hold on the pencil though, twirled it between his fingers like a drum stick in an absent-minded manner. “You’d have a whole lot more free time if they hadn’t screwed everything up.”

            “Ah, well, they probably were going to find a way to screw everything up some how no matter how they went about it, mate. You can’t go apologizing for them to every person that you talk to. Ain’t your deal to apologize for.” Newton gave him another skeptical look and maybe, a little bit, Jake felt like Newton should have been apologizing to all sorts of people for what happened. He may still hold him a least a little responsible for what had happened. Jake had seen enough to know that it was unfair though and he wasn’t going to admit those feelings to Dr. Geiszler.

            “Yeah, well…sorry anyway…” Newton shrugged a little as his eyes dropped to the keyboard instead like it was easier to look at. “Is Mako doing okay? Is she getting better? I haven’t seen her…recently…since I’ve been in here, I guess.” Despite himself, despite what he understood now and had seen with his own eyes, Jake felt a little flare of anger at Newton asking him about Mako. Asking about his sister who had almost been killed by the drone jaeger that the Precursors had sent after her. Had it been all about her? Had she been the target or was the point just destruction?

            The door opened and Jake realized that Newton had pulled back a little from the look on his face. Part of him wanted to not feel sorry for this but in the end that sense of understanding managed to win out over the grudge. Because it hadn’t been Newton who had almost killed his sister; he’d just been the tool used to do so.

            “Sorry to interrupt Dr. Geiszler but Ranger Pentecost and I have to report upstairs. Isn’t that right, Jake?” Nate set his hand on Jake’s shoulder as Newton seemed to scoot a little further away from both of them. Yeah, no, it hadn’t been the man in front of him who had tried to hurt his family. It hadn’t been Newton locked in that room who he’d confronted after they’d finally gotten brought down off that damn mountain where the novelty of snow had worn off while they waited for a helicopter to get to them. Jake stood up, leaning forward to press a couple of keys on the keyboard as he gave Newton a smile. Newton returned it uncertainly, glancing between Jake and Nate a few times.

            “Maks is doing good, G. She’s getting better and she’s back on duty which is probably why she hasn’t been down yet, ya? I’ll let her know you were asking; she’d probably like to come and see you.”

            “Yeah…good…yeah, I’d like to see her too…if she wants.” Jake nodded and started towards the door; avoided Nate’s eyes as he did. Nate lingered behind him for a few moments before following him back out of the room. Their two recruits were still sitting towards the back wall while Lars scribbled down notes on his notepad. Vik had her arms crossed with a steely look on her face but Amara was leaning forward watching Dr. Geiszler with interest. She’d be the one that would get the others to understand; she had lost everything once before too after all.

            “Come on, recruits, time to go.” Nate motioned for them to follow and Vik jumped out of her chair to head out the door. Tendo gave them a short wave as Amara lingered behind for a few seconds longer until Jake cleared his throat and gave her a look that said it was definitely time to go. Lars was watching them with that calculating expression, pen poised above the notepad like a threat.

            By the time he got out into the hall, the door to the observation room closing behind him as the first tentative notes started up on the keyboard over the speakers, Jake found Nate already part way down the hall. Amara gave him a shrug when he shot her a questioning look and Jake moved to catch up with him; Vik and Amara trailing behind having a whispered conversation themselves.

            Nate spoke in a hushed but urgent tone to him as soon as Jake fell into step with him. “Got the call while you were in there. They think they’ve figured out how to open the breach.” 

 

            Hermann understood the importance of his presence at the meeting though he wished he could escape it. He didn’t even have Tendo there with him as he was currently down watching Newton and making certain Lars didn’t attempt to interrogate him during his ‘observations’. He did have Mako sitting on his left side though and, so far, Liwen had taken the lead on the actual presentation.

            Once he had introduced what he could recall from the equations and train of thought he’d caught from Newton’s memory to her it had happened quickly. She, of course, knew the missing pieces of data both on the final true watts/sec values and watt/mm2 of the lasers on the drones. It had taken the morning of working through equations and theory but finally something seemed to snap into place. The equation had rolled out onto the blackboard he’d had them roll into the bay containing all the parts and pieces of the destroyed drones.

            “The problem is that we will not be able to test our theory until we make a move on the Anteverse. We cannot open up a breach simply to see if this will truly work or not. But, I have confidence that I will be able to design a device using the same specs as the lasers on the drones to create a more contained approach to opening the breach.” The door opened as she spoke the last words, Rangers Pentecost and Lambert finally joining them, and there was a pause as the two found their seats. Liwen pursed her lips but waited patiently until they were settled before she continued. “If we fail to open the breach upon that trial we will be back to square one.”

            Mako sighed quietly besides Hermann as she set down the notebook that they’d copied down the final equation onto. “How will we know that the breach will open up to the Anteverse and not somewhere else? We will need some confirmation of that.”

            Hermann sat up a bit straighter as Liwen looked to him to answer. He had prefaced his ‘theory’ as having done research into an old hypothesis that had stemmed from the breach when it first opened and the experiments at the Large Hadron Collider. That along with the fact that Newton had clearly worked on the weapons of the drones which Liwen had confirmed for him.

            “Ms. Shao has stated that Dr. Geiszler had a great deal of input on the lasers. I believe this focus was to ensure that they were tuned specifically to open a breach to the Anteverse. As long as we maintain those specification on the lasers we should, in theory, be knocking on their door only; to use their own turn of phrase.” Hermann did his best to keep his expressions under control as Mako raised an eyebrow in his direction for a moment before giving him a nod. She would know, of course, she would be able to deduce that some of this information had come from Newton directly during their drift.

            “Then we will move forward with this information and hope for the best. I will present this information to the council and get their final approval but I believe it would be prudent to move forward without waiting for word from them. Thank you both; you have managed much in such a short amount of time.” Liwen gave a short bow to Mako who returned the gesture.

            The table overall started to get up from where they were seated; techs from the J-tech crew talking amongst themselves with the development as it would mean they’d have a rather large task at hand. It also meant they were suddenly on even more of a timeline to work on reconstruction and building of the jaegers they’d require for the attempt on the breach. They had already decided it would be a drone that would go through rather than to risk their rangers given there would likely be no coming back once the red lead bomb had been set off. They would need jaegers on this side as well in case the Precursors managed to send something back through the breach in defense.

            Hermann gathered up his things and for the first time that morning let some of his defenses drop as he tried to check in with Newton. He had needed focus that morning but now he’d head down to see how Dr. Geiszler was doing given their unwelcome visitor. The moment he let his mental walls drop down he could feel a sense of melancholy from Newton but there was still that thread of hope he’d heard the night before. Hermann projected that he would be down soon and felt Newton’s mood perk up some as he seemed to get the message.

            “Dr. Gottlieb?” Hermann turned as he heard his voice from behind him and found J-tech Reyes standing there patiently. He wearily put up some of those mental protections as he was certain that she had questions on the task ahead of them that Newton still could not be privy to.

            “Yes, may I help you?” He shouldn’t sound terse but it had been a long morning and he had forgotten how wearing it could be to climb the ladder while working out equations on the blackboards. It was the best way for him to organize his thoughts though. Something about chalk on the blackboard had always made things come into focus in a way that pen and paper failed. The scale of it and the sensory feedback of sound and scent pulled him in far more completely. Liwen had scoffed when he’d first suggested it in the early morning hours before she realized how serious he was.

            “I was hoping to go over with you some of the coding on the jaegers, specifically for Avenger. I’ve made some alterations in hopes of removing a slight delay in her movements since she’ll be running point. With your work on her predecessor I thought you’d be the perfect person to run it by.” Hermann pursed his lips at the suggestion and did his best to keep the sigh from rising up to make his disappointment apparent. He mentally sent Newton an apology, hated the sense of sadness that settled in despite Newt’s attempts to project that he understood. Reyes must have seen some of this interaction on his face as she gave him a small confused look. “Unless this is a bad time?”

            “No, no, of course not. No time like the present.” Hermann motioned for her to lead the way.

 

**_I am sorry darling. I will be down in just a short while._ **

_That’s fine…Don’t forget your stretches…Are you still doing your stretches?_

 

            Newton’s voice in the back of his mind sounded confused and worried. He must have picked up on the ache that had pooled down from his hip to his knee. Their connection seemed even stronger now that there were two drifts between them. Hermann was about to answer his questions when Reyes spoke up from besides him as they walked down the hall towards the J-tech headquarters.

            “Is everything alright Dr. Gottlieb? If this is a bad time I honestly can wait or perhaps ask Ms. Shao to take a look?”

            “It is quite alright Ms. Reyes. I simply have a lot on my mind at the moment so please forgive me for appearing a bit preoccupied.” Hermann tried to reassure Newton quickly in the back of his mind. He didn’t want to appear rude and it would be good to go over the coding for the current generation of jaegers before they attempted to send them out after such heavy repairs.

            “You can let Dr. Geiszler know that I won’t keep you any longer than needed if that helps.” Reyes spoke carefully with some hesitation in her voice.

            “I beg your pardon?” Hermann stopped in his tracks as he looked at her with a twist of fear settling in his chest. Of course, it was no secret that they’d had Newton there; with Lars present it wasn’t even secret throughout the shatterdome that they had gotten him back to some semblance of his former self. But the comment by Reyes had seemed a step further than that; almost as though she was alluding to their connection due to the drifts. She seemed to scan the hall for a moment before leaning against the wall next to him and speaking quietly.

            “Sorry…you had the look. A lot of the pilots get it when they’re communicating with each other up here. There’s only one person I know of that you’ve drifted with so I made a guess. Plus, Jake and Nate may have kept everyone else from noticing that they were trying to acquire a portable PONs but when you’re the person they both chose to file their individual requests through, well…”

            “Ah…well, if there did happen to be any basis to your suspicions I would trust that you would understand that all information regarding Dr. Geiszler’s recovery is still restricted. We have already had some rumors leak out of the organization on these sensitive matters.” Hermann knew Reyes, had always found her to be an incredibly talented and kind person over the years, but that didn’t quite raise her above his suspicions given the delicate and personal subject matter. It was clear that information had already spread outside the PPDC walls that Newton had been involved in the recent attack.

            “Of course, Dr. Gottlieb. That wasn’t my intention. I just…wanted to say that if there was any truth to my assumptions that I hope he’s doing well. I didn’t know him but I knew of him. And I know you.” Reyes rested a hand on his shoulder as she gave him a reassuring smile. Hermann felt some of that concern ease a little as he gave a short nod of acknowledgement.

            “Yes…well, shall we go take a look at the alterations you’ve made to the coding?”

            “Yes, let’s.” Reyes motioned for him to take the lead and the two of them started towards the J-tech headquarters once more.

 

            Newton didn’t know what to do with himself knowing that Lars was on the other side of the window examining his every move. If it had been the normal routine of having his rotating cast of care givers just watching his vitals he wouldn’t have thought twice of just sleeping in late. Or bouncing the ball of the wall. Or doodling in his notebook.

            With Lars watching him he felt self-conscious like he had to act so utterly completely normal that there was no question he was Newton Geiszler, human disaster. He had a feeling he’d been failing pretty hard at that so far during the day. Newton wasn’t sure he knew how to be normal anymore. He’d tried but he knew he kept disappearing into his own head. That he was zoning out to try and just take in everything from a few random notes on the keyboard to the movie he’d put on after Jake had left in the interest of trying to focus on something other than his thoughts.

            He had managed to get up and change out of his pajamas at last when he’d thought that Hermann was coming down. That motivation had waned pretty damn quick when Hermann had apologized. Newton understood; he didn’t need to know the details to know that there was a lot going on and that some of it would demand Hermann’s attention. He hoped he wasn’t overdoing it though…he’d felt that pain in his hip that reflected Hermann’s own. It had stretched down tightly into his knee and he hoped it was just due to current circumstances and not that Hermann had stopped taking care of himself the way he should have been.

            He winced when the door opened already knowing it wouldn’t be Hermann. Part of him was a bit intimidated by the thought of Jake returning after the way his expression had darkened at the mention of Mako. The only one that would be worse than Jake and the other ranger, the pretty one with the oddly perfect button nose, was if Lars walked in through that door.

            Despite neither of those options being the truth Newton still felt the floor drop out from beneath him a little at the sight of her. Mako gave him a slow bow like she had to wait for his permission to come in. Newton forgot his hands had been on the keys until a droning note released from the pressure and he startled. She looked…different. Not different since he’d seen her last, well, maybe a little different as she’d healed a bit more. She still had a patch over one eye; still seemed a bit careful about her right side as she closed the door behind her.

            “Jake had mentioned you had been asking how I was doing. It made me realize that it was long overdue for me to come to see you, Dr. Geiszler.” Mako stayed standing near the door and at first Newton thought she was scared to come closer. And that kind of killed him though maybe he couldn’t really blame her. She inclined her head towards him after a few seconds; gave him a look that seemed to be hinting at something. Newton frowned and then caught her glance towards the mirror that was really a window. Right, so they had an observer and…? “Is it alright if I join you?”

            Newton suddenly understood that Mako was making sure he was okay having her there given the fact that Lars was also watching over them. She may have changed some; gotten older and higher ranking than even Stacker had been during his time, but she was still clearly the kind and respectful kid he’d known before. “Yeah…yeah it’d be good if you joined me.” Newton patted the spot next to him and Mako gave him a smile as she moved to sit beside him. He scooted over a little to give her space feeling nervous as he tugged at the sleeves of the sweatshirt he had pulled on. “I…it’s good to see you. Especially now that…you know…it’s actually me getting to see you.”

            “It’s good to see you as well. I would have liked to come see you sooner but we were attempting to keep you from feeling too overwhelmed.” Mako set a hand on top of his which stilled his jittering knee though his nerves were still running high. It grounded him a bit despite that because it was proof she was there. That they hadn’t managed to kill her; that he at least didn’t have to carry that death on his shoulders. He gave her hand a soft squeeze, remembering times when she’d come into the lab as a kid. She’d been quiet at first, shy but watching with an intense curiosity. She’d opened up more over the years as she got older; maybe used their space as a place to stretch her rebellious side as she blared music on Newton’s radio and used Hermann’s computer to practice writing code.

            “So…Secretary General, huh?” Newton couldn’t quite bring himself to make eye contact with her. Couldn’t quite bring himself to really take in the changes that had occurred mainly because of the Precursor’s attempts to take her out.

            “Yes, they needed someone to lead once Stacker was gone. I couldn’t turn it down knowing it would mean I would have no ability to try and shape how things moved forward. Raleigh and Herc both encouraged me as well. They were right to.” Newton gave a short nod of his head. It fit, of course, cause Mako had always been amazing and capable of moving mountains. Stacker had helped give her all the tools and tricks to manage the council and push for the protections of the people who worked beneath her. “How do you feel you are doing, Dr. Geiszler?”

            “Ha, me? I, uh, I’m…I’m adjusting. I think I’ve gotten past the point where basic sensory input isn’t quite as shocking to my system anymore. Granted, I’ve acclimated within this specific environment. The rest of the world is still a bit of an intimidating task to think about if I ever get to, you know, go outside again. I feel more firmly entrenched in my own form too which is good. Just maybe a little…ah…” Newton floundered as he shifted and glanced around the room. He wasn’t really sure how to state exactly how he felt. Wasn’t sure he should state how he felt with Lars sitting in the other room picking apart every bit of him like some personality vulture. “Maybe just a little…depressed? I just kind of keep realizing everything I’ve missed and I know there’s going to be more and more of those things as time goes on.”

            “I feel that is understandable. You have been through much and you have lost a lot of time that you should have been able to enjoy.”

            “Yeah…” Newton huffed lightly as he played a few quick notes on the keyboard in front of them. Mako sat for a second before she carefully put her hands on the keys next to his and played a mirror the three notes he’d played.

            “Do you remember teaching me to play?”

            “Ha, yeah, you were a pretty good student. A little rough on the keys at first but you got it down after a while,” Newton said with a soft laugh. Mako had been in that pre-teen stage where she’d been rebelling just a little against Stacker and his rules. She’d also been running into problems with some of the older kids. Newton had definitely sympathized with that and he knew Hermann had too. She’d often come into the labs after classes for the day to sit and do her homework.

            “You taught me a lot but the music lessons were always my favorite even if Dr. Gottlieb did not appreciate them as much as I did.” Mako gave him a sly look as she played a few more chords; their progression familiar but the last chord seemed slightly off from what his mind expected. He frowned, trying to place both what the tune was and what was wrong about it. “I am trying to remember how this one goes. You taught it to me after you helped me dye my hair the first time…” It clicked then with her help to jog his memory.

            “Oh…yeah, I think I do. Rainbow, right?” He could remember Mako that particular evening. It had been late and he’d come across her out in the halls upset after getting told she couldn’t hang out with Jake and his friends. The two of them had been going through a phase of not getting along with each other. Jake had accused her of being boring and no fun; that they didn’t need his _sister_ tagging along with them and she’d just make everything lame anyway.

 

_“Now that’s just entirely untrue, Maks, don’t listen to them. Kids are mean. It doesn’t always make sense but never forget that you’re a fucking star to me. Shit…don’t say fuck, okay? Like…at least not when anyone else is around.” Newton was helping washing the bleach out of the two strips of her hair as he talked._

            “Do you remember how it goes? Would you play it for me?” Newton snapped out of the memory at the suggestion and gave a nervous laugh. He had played for Herman the night before in his excitement of having gotten the keyboard but hadn’t done much more than toy with it since then. He had never been one to be self-conscious about his playing or singing but he also hadn’t just been sitting in a room playing an instrument he’d gone ten years without touching and singing in a voice that hadn’t been his for a decade.

            The song choice was rather on the nose as well which was fitting with it being Mako asking him to play it. She was giving him a message without having to come out and say it. He sat up a bit straighter as he decided he’d do it if only because it was Mako asking. If only because it was his adopted little niece who had sang the song with joy and anger in his lab once with blonde streaks that would turn a vibrant blue before he’d shooed her off to bed. Streaks that she still wore in her hair now, tucked behind her ears but peeking out at him when he looked at her now.

            “Yeah…yeah, I guess I can try…” Newton took a deep breath, hovered there a bit longer than he’d intended when he felt the mental indication that Hermann was finally there. He wasn’t going to come in; was going to wait to give Mako and him their illusionary privacy, but he was there all the same. Newton pressed the first chord on the piano and took a deep breath as he pulled the words up from his memories and realized just how damn fitting they were. “Used to live in the darkness…”

 

_Trapped in his own mind uncertain to the passage of time._

“Dressed in black acted so heartless…”

 

_Tailored suits of dark colors. Corrected vision and cold dismissal. Hands around Hermann’s throat. Someone too smart for their own good no longer able to do any good._

            “Ah…yes, I remember now.” Newton hadn’t even realized he’d trailed off with his hands on the keys until Mako spoke with quiet emotion in her voice beside him. She nudged him gently with her shoulder as she moved her hand to the keys to play the next chord and to pick up the song herself. “And now I see that colors are everything.” She paused and waited for him. Newton kept his eyes down on the black and white spaces of the keyboard even as she leaned to whisper in his ear. “Never forget that no matter what has happened or will; you’re a fucking star to me.”

            Newton smiled a little at the comment as Mako nodded towards the keyboard. She let him take control of playing the chords but they sang together. Newton could feel Hermann’s emotions in the back of his mind; focused on the hope and love that seemed so endlessly present there. Newton focused on it, focused on Mako’s voice besides him and he sang his heart out.

 

_You gotta learn to let go_

_Put the past behind you, baby, I know_

_The ghosts will try to find you_

_But just put those colors on, girl, come and paint the world with me tonight_


	13. You gotta know when to hold 'em

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raleigh steps in to help Hermann handle his father during a conversation about things he put together from Newton's notebook.   
> Newton gets his first taste of pure sugar in years while the others help him pass the time in observation.   
> Amara reflects on the differences in Dr. Geiszler now that she's observed him more and compares it to a time where she'd strayed where she shouldn't have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Kenny Rogers "The Gambler".

              “So, did you find anything?” Hermann was standing near his desk as Lars looked around with a scrutinizing look. He was holding Newton’s notebook that he had demanded two days before. Hermann had been tasked with taking it from Newt who had understandably not felt comfortable with the fact that Lars would be going through his thoughts.

              “Most of it wasn’t of any note. Mediocre attempts at music and lists that seemed to mainly compromise his feelings and observations about how nearly everything is some sort of strange new revelation. Why on earth do you have these ridiculous things?” Lars frowned as he motioned towards one of the kaiju figurines that he’d continued to keep. He hadn’t felt it was appropriate to return them to Newton but he didn’t feel right getting rid of them either.

              “I would assume you are able to make an educated guess of where they came from and why I continue to hold onto them, Councilor. May I have the notebook? I would very much like to return it to its proper owner.” Lars shook his head before tossing the notebook carelessly onto the desk. He didn’t turn to leave though like Hermann would have wished but instead lingered for a few moments looking around the space of his office. “Is there something else?”

              “I will be making my decision and contacting the council in a couple of days.” Hermann nodded his head, already well aware of this fact, and he tried to gauge what Lars was getting at by bringing it up then. “Is there anything you would like to tell me before I do so?”

              “Aside from the fact that I hope you have really paid attention during the last few days and that you have realized that Dr. Geiszler has returned to himself.” Hermann spoke carefully, watching Lars for some sign as he felt a sinking feeling in his gut. He glanced at Newton’s notebook which he had been reluctant to turn over though he hadn’t expressed to Hermann there was anything concerning inside it. Granted, Lars had been watching then as well.

              “Or; you could mention the fact that it seems that Dr. Geiszler has provided information already on these Precursors. At least that seems to be vaguely indicated in a few sections. What was the one that stood out the most? ‘ _I told Hermann I wanted to help. I know he saw the notes; I hope he understood.’_ There were some other clues in the scribbles and drawing around it. I wasn’t aware that there had been any discussion with Dr. Geiszler about the mission much less that any information had been gained? Are there other notebooks that I’ve not been made aware of?” Hermann gripped his cane tightly as he held his father’s gaze. It was vague, he may be able to lie and draw that focus away. Not knowing what else was on the page; what these other clues might have been though he’d be playing a dangerous game.

              “He did offer to help but the moment he so much as tried to tell me anything they pushed back. He maintained control but it was emotionally and physically distressing for him when it happened. Both for his health and his safety it is best he isn’t pressed about anything regarding the Precursors. Not to mention if he attempts to gain any information from them he is opening himself up to them. They could take information from him just as easily in those moments or he could lose control completely if it is a violent enough assault. That is why we cannot allow him to be pressed on these matters.” Lars was giving him a patient look though Hermann knew he wasn’t really listening. He knew what would be the next request that Lars would make; that he would leverage his decision in regards to what he told the council to get his way.

              “We need as much information as we can get and Dr. Geiszler is our most valuable resource in that regards.”

              “He’d be an unreliable source.” Hermann blinked as he looked past Lars to where his office door still stood open. Raleigh was standing there with two cups of coffee in his hands. “Sorry, I would have knocked but.” He shrugged as he indicated the mugs, stepped into the room so he could set them both down on the desk before leaning back against it to face them.

              “You are interrupting a private discussion, Marshal.”

              “Dr. Geiszler would be an unreliable source of information on the Precursors. In fact, it’s something that the Secretary General and I were hoping to discuss with you in regards to the council’s decision. We’ve found that during the time Dr. Geiszler was under their control the Precursors were able to confuse or control what he was able to remember. With the drift, it’s a two-way street, but it’s an equal share. It might have started off similarly with Dr. Geiszler and the Precursors but at some point that dynamic shifted. It might have been aggravated by the hivemind dynamic but Dr. Geiszler isn’t in any sort of position to be a spy for us. It could actually be an indication that they’d be able to feed him inaccurate information. We’d just be giving them their tool back, no offense intended Dr. Gottlieb.”

              “None taken Marshal.” Hermann gave Raleigh a soft frown as Lars stewed in the corner. He, no doubt, didn’t appreciate that Raleigh had ignore his clear suggestion that he wasn’t welcome in the conversation as well as the fact that he was making sense.

              “We are not able to eliminate the option that he could help-“

              “And we can’t eliminate the option that every word out of his mouth in regards to the Precursors is a lie. All due respect, Councilor, but it seems to make it a bit of a null point.” Raleigh gave Lars a steady look, held his gaze despite the anger that was clear on Lars’ face. It was clear to Hermann at least who had long since learned to recognize disapproval and angry in his father despite his typically stoic appearance.

              “I will be making that decision, Marshal Beckett, and I would prefer the Secretary General discuss these theories with me directly next time rather than having to hear them through her insubordinates. Now, if you’ll forgive me, I would like to take the chance to enjoy lunch before I return to my observation of Dr. Geiszler.”

              “Of course, Councilor,” Raleigh said with a pleasant smile. Lars glanced in Hermann’s direction and he gave him as neutral of a look as he could manage until his father turned and walked out of the door. He fought the impulse to flip the man off behind his back as Tendo had done a few days before. Wondered how much of that impulse came from him and how much from Newton.  “You look tired, Dr. Gottlieb. Have some coffee.” Raleigh reached to grab the desk chair to pull it over for him so he could sit.  

              “Thank you, Marshal, I am perhaps a bit worn down.” Hermann sat so he was facing Raleigh who picked up one of the mugs and reached to hand it to him.

              “A lot of us are feeling that way. It’s just like old times except none of us are as young as we were back then.”

              “Yes, well, that is the consequence of time I suppose. I appreciate your help in regards to my father though I do have to ask about this theory?” Hermann wrapped his hands around the cup of coffee and felt that tingle of nerve endings spread under his skin as the feel of the sudden warmth seeping into them.

              “Mako, Herc and I have been trying to prepare some arguments to sway the other councilors opinions on the chance that your father doesn’t change his mind about trying to force information out of Dr. Geiszler. We meant to run it all by you first so I apologize for that being your first briefing on it.” Raleigh retrieved his own cup and took a sip of his coffee as he looked towards the door. Hermann had noticed that Raleigh had a habit of positioning himself somewhere he could see the entrances to a room. He wondered what in his past had made Raleigh hone that particular practice.

              “That’s quite alright, Marshal, given it seems to have shut my father up for a while. Though I appreciated seeing you master that particular feat as well as the coffee I’m assuming there is another reason you came by?” Hermann took a drink himself to feel that warmth pool through his chest. He had been finding that he frequently felt rather cold lately. Part of him knew it was likely due to a lack of decent rest; he’d become familiar with that feeling during the war.

              “Do you mind if I run something past you, Dr. Gottlieb?”

              “No, of course not. What is on your mind?” He seemed to have become a popular choice for running ideas, code and plans past. Hermann somewhat longed for the days where he was allowed to seek out people to run his own theories past rather than the other way around. There was a chance that was also the fatigue talking.

              “I’ve been thinking on everything that’s happened and the one thing that I think bothers me is; why go through all the trouble? They should have been able to just reopen the breach from their side. Instead they mentally kidnapped one of our own and then took ten years to build the tech on our end. What was the point of that?” Hermann sighed as he leaned back in his chair and for a second stared at the hint of his reflection in the coffee. He didn’t frequently dwell on the information that they had been made privy to during the drift all those years ago. Was hesitant now given everything he knew about what had happened with Newton. Still, this was something that he may have some insight into.  

              “It is perhaps an incorrect assumption to believe they had the resources to open a new breach from their end. They are colonizers; they take new planets by force, terraform them and then quickly deplete the resources. It is possible that they simply couldn’t and that opening them from our side was their only option. I am only working purely on conjecture from what information I recall from the time, however. There’s no saying that it wasn’t simply a means to an end; take out our defenses as they did before the kaiju themselves made it through. Are you concerned that they may try to beat us to the punch?” Hermann watched Raleigh’s reaction, watched him give a thoughtful nod of his head as he leaned back against the desk.

              “Not exactly that.” Raleigh leaned a little to poke gently at one of the kaiju figurines sitting not far away and Hermann felt a similar feeling of embarrassment as the first time he’d ever met him. The kaiju in question was Knifehead; the one who had killed Raleigh’s brother. “I’m all for blowing these things to pieces like always but Dr. Geiszler definitely had something back then. If we want to beat them it seems we may have to understand how they think. I’m trying to do that; I want to know we’ve anticipated what their next move might be too. They know we’re coming but I’m not convinced that they aren’t hoping for it.”

              “It is a possibility, I suppose. We won’t know for certain until the time comes. Was this a part of the discussion on Newton being an unreliable source of information?” Hermann felt a slight stir of concern though it was short lived. There was little reason to believe that those who were working so hard to help him convince the council not to force information out of Newton would want to do that very thing themselves.  

              “It will be a point that we make. Honestly any doubt we can cast on the thought of using him that way the better. But, I’m also just trying to anticipate what we’re heading in to. With the way it stands right now we’re going to have a total of two jaegers and a drone. Best case scenario we have a couple more jaegers but they’ll be piloted by kids which I don’t really see as being the best case at all. If this is all their plan we’re not going to be ready to react to it.”  

              Hermann felt that sinking feeling in his center at the suggestion. It would make a sort of sense; he had gotten that final piece of information from Newton during the drift just before the Precursors made their presence known. Was it all a stage act to encourage them towards completing the plans for their assault?

              “That is a troubling theory, Marshal. I’m assuming you’ve run this past the Secretary General and Marshal Hansen already?”  

              “Yeah, ran it by them first. They’re concerned as well but our other option is to do nothing and sit hoping they don’t actually have another way to get to us. Mako’s going to bring it up to the council to see what we should do on even outside of the situation with Dr. Geiszler. Without more pilots we might be running the risk of being put on the defensive with little support.”

              Hermann felt distant and detached as he focused on thinking over the possibilities. Raleigh patted him on the shoulder, gripped it there for a second as he took his weight off the desk to get ready to leave. Hermann looked down at his notebook on his desk where he had worked out the memory he’d gotten from Newton during their last drift. It was buried in there with all his notations on times he suspected now had been Newton reaching out. He knew it was a futile thing at this point, to rehash all the little signs he’d missed over the years, but it had become a bit of an obsession. Picking at the barely healed scab of his own guilt.

              “Lima Victor, Marshal.” Hermann turned in his chair as Raleigh stopped in the doorway to look back at him with a questioning look.

              “Nautical code. Stop your vessel; we need assistance. I saw in your report he used it as the name for his protocol on the drones.” Hermann nodded as he looked down at the cooling cup of coffee in his lap.

              “Specifically, it was Lima Victor-426.” Hermann smiled at Raleigh but got a small frown in confusion in return. Apparently, the Marshal wasn’t as big of a fan of the Alien series as Newton was. “Forgive me, my point is that perhaps we should listen to his suggestion. Postpone this endeavor and ask for help. There are more experienced jaeger pilots out there; those who were dismissed from the PPDC during the war due to the failed attempt with the wall of life. Those who’s jaegers were decommissioned rather than repaired after a battle because it had gotten too costly towards the end. You came back when Marshal Pentecost called upon you. Though I know many of those pilots washed their hands of the PPDC back then there is a chance they’d be willing to step up if we can end this for good.”

              “Would take some work to find them. But it’s a good possibility that we’d be able to convince a few. I’ll suggest that to Mako, see what we can make happen. Thanks Dr. Gottlieb.” Hermann gave him a nod, shifting to turn back towards his desk though he paused part way when Raleigh spoke up again. “I know there’s a lot going on and we’re all stretched a bit thin, Dr. Gottlieb, but you should get some rest. I don’t think anyone would fault you for taking a bit of a break to take care of yourself.”

              “I assure you I am quite alright but I appreciate the concern, Marshal, as well as the coffee.” Raleigh nodded, watched him for a few moments before he finally stepped out of Hermann’s office and left him in the privacy of that space on his own.

 

             

              “Read them and weep, my friends.” Tendo laid his cards out and Newton squinted at them as the others groaned. He wasn’t sure who had suggested the card game but he currently had a small group sitting around the table in the center of his room. They were playing poker and Tendo was winning which really wasn’t a surprise. Granted, all they were betting were some skittles that Jake had brought with him. Newton popped one in his mouth now even though it was contributing to the depletion of his pot. He’d never been great at poker even when they had played semi-regularly during the war; he was gonna lose the skittles one way or another. Might as well enjoy them.

              “I think someone else needs to shuffle.” Jake’s friend shook his head as he tossed his cards back into the pile and they got ready to deal out the next hand. Tendo pulled the pot of skittles over to join his already large gathering and gave Newton a wink as he snuck him a few. Newton popped a couple of these into his mouth as well savoring the sweet fake fruitiness of them. Button nose started shuffling the cards and Newton realized he should probably make an attempt to remember his name. He looked at him thoughtfully as he chewed on the bits of pure sugar.

              “Nate.” Herc, sitting on the other side of him, leaned a little closer and said the name quietly out of the corner of his mouth. Newton gave him a small grateful smile even if Herc still kind of intimidated him a little. That wasn’t a new thing either, Herc had always been a bit intimidating even back during the war. Newton noticed that Herc’s hair had gone a little grey, maybe a little thinner though it was hard to know for certain since he kept it so short. He was wearing reading glasses too which oddly suited him.

              “Alright, everyone ante up,” Nate said as he got the cards dealt out. Newton pushed a couple of skittles forward before trying to gather his cards together to see if he had anything. He tossed a couple more skittles in his mouth as he tried to organize his hand even if he had no real interest in the game. It was kind of nice having a group around him though, company without the focus on having to talk or deal with complicated discussions about everything that had happened.

              “I’ll take two cards,” Herc said as he handed a couple of his cards back over towards Nate. It was Newton’s turn and he frowned at his hand trying to focus on what he should give and take. The sugar melted in his mouth, coated his tongue and teeth in a way that brought about a weirdly nostalgic feeling.

              “Three.” He finally said as he reached to exchange the cards. He couldn’t quite meet Nate’s eyes even with the guy having been pretty nice so far. He knew he probably shouldn’t feel nervous around him but there was still an impression of violence associated there that he couldn’t shake. Tendo patted his knee under the table as Newton took his new cards and tried to arrange them as they continued around the table.

              “When does Allison get here, Tendo?” Jake asked the question as he tossed a couple of cards at Nate out of turn. Nate huffed as he tried to keep them from getting lost on the floor before flicking a couple back at him. The two had been bickering the entire time and Newton couldn’t quite pin down if it was a playful sort of arguing or not. It reminded him of some old times either way.

              “Few more days and she’ll get here. Her sister’s going to watch Mac so that they don’t miss any school,” Tendo said with a grin before motioning that he was going to take one card to Nate.

              “I didn’t know Allie was coming so soon.” He thought that Tendo had mentioned it but for some reason it had stuck in his head that it was a long way’s off before Allison would be coming by. Tendo was eyeing his cards with a small smirk that probably meant he was going to win this hand too.

              “It’s a little sooner than originally planned but she got a good deal on the flight. Careful you don’t eat too many of those, brother.” Tendo nudged Newton with his elbow and he gave him a soft frown as he popped a few more into his mouth a little defiantly. The sugar tasted good, amazing really, and if he wanted to eat them he would. No one was telling him what to do anymore. Tendo reached and stole some of the skittles from his pile to eat himself. “Don’t want you making yourself sick.”

              “Oh…” Newton blinked as he looked down at his pile of candy. He had maybe not really thought about that but they tasted really damn good. How many had he eaten? Herc reached over and picked up some of his skittles then as well and Newton batted his hands away to keep his pot from continuing to grow smaller. He realized that they’d gotten back to him in the process of making their bets and he had to take a few moments to get filled in on what was going on before he put in the amount needed to stay in play. Tendo finished up and then they all showed their cards once more. It was Herc who won this time as Tendo stared in disbelief that he’d managed to beat his hand. Herc just leaned forward and gathered up the pot with a neutral expression.

              “Well, I’m out.” Jake scooped up the remaining skittles that were sitting in front of him and started eating them as he leaned back in his chair.

              “I’d say it’s too rich for your blood but given the amount of skittles you’ve eaten I don’t think that’d be possible.” Nate gave Jake a look and got a wide grin in response as Jake popped an entire handful into his mouth.

              “Nate, Nate, Nate. Forgetting your duties and the fact that we have training scheduled with our cadets. Shame on you! And you call yourself a ranger!” Jake shifted to get up from his chair as he gave Nate a disappointed look and a shake of his head; talking around the skittles the entire time. Nate looked down at his watch and gave a quiet curse as he jumped to get up to with an apologetic wave to them all before starting towards the door. Jake waved with a grin before shoving another handful of skittles in his mouth as he followed behind him.

              “You want us to stick around a bit longer, my man?” Tendo started pulling Nate’s abandoned skittles over to their side of the table as Herc gathered the cards up. Newton glanced momentarily towards the window before giving a small shrug. He knew that Lars was still in there or assumed anyway especially since everyone else had been in the room with him. Those first few days of being watched had been agonizing because Newt felt like he had to act normal even though his situation was anything but. The problem was what did Lars Gottlieb consider normal when you were sitting in a room by yourself isolated from the world?

              And then the others had started visiting more. It was like Jake coming in that one morning had kind of broken some sort of seal. Tendo had been in and out fairly consistently; Mako had stopped by to sit and talk with him or simply play piano with him the last few evenings. And then the group had all flooded in today when Tendo brought his lunch by and they’d asked if he was interested in having them around for a bit. It had helped take some of that weight off of him, he wasn’t just sitting alone hoping he didn’t space out or do anything that could be read as troubling.

              “Let’s play a few hands of blackjack.” Herc spoke up next to him and Newton realized he hadn’t responded. He dropped his eyes quickly from the mirrored window and looked down at the skittles on the table. Tendo pushed a few more in his direction despite his earlier warning and Newton picked them up to eat as Herc shuffled the card deck.

              “So, uh, how have you been Marshal Hansen?” Newton glanced at Herc besides him, reading glasses perched on his nose as he shuffled the cards before giving them each one facing down.

              “I’ve been doing just fine, Dr. Geiszler. And it’s alright if you call me Herc.” Out of all of them he could see the years on Herc; he still looked like himself, still the strong straight-backed figure with sharp blue eyes, but he looked tired and worn out. He reminded himself that Herc had a lost a lot at the end of the war. Newton definitely remembered that part; they hadn’t really started to alter things in his head for a few…weeks, he thought, after all that happened. The first card was joined by a second one that was face up on the table.

              “Oh…okay…Herc. I’d prefer Newt too.” Herc gave a nod and then subtly pointed at the cards in front of him to indicate he should check his hand. Newton blinked and quickly peeked at his face down card so he could figure out what he was up to. He had ended up with a six and a seven which put him at thirteen. There was more chance he’d stay below twenty-one than go above it at least. “I’ll take one.”

              “One it is, Newt. How about you Tendo?” Herc handed him a card and Newton added up his total in his head. He was at eighteen now which was pretty good.

              “Oh, well, I prefer you both call me by my full title and maybe throw in a ‘your excellency’ just for good measure. But I’ll take a card.” Herc gave Tendo a steady gaze from over the rim of his reading glasses as Tendo grinned back at him.

              “Well here you go, your excellency, Chief LOCCENT Officer Choi,” Herc said dryly before flicking the card at Tendo who managed to snatch it awkwardly out of the air. Newton gave a soft laugh, pursed his lips when Tendo gave him a look though he couldn’t completely hide his own smile. “Are we all good or does anyone want another card now that you’ve taken a look?”

              “I’m good,” Newton said as he eyed the skittles and grabbed a few more. The purple ones were his favorite but he was running low on them so he resorted to some of the reds.

              “Your excellency is good too cause I busted,” Tendo said as he turned his cards over to show he’d gone over twenty-one. Herc smiled just a little before he turned his cards over to show he had seventeen. Newton perked up as he saw this and quickly flipped his cards to show his winning hand.

              “Ha! I actually won one,” Newton said with a small sense of triumph and allowed himself a few more skittles. Herc gave him an amused smirk as he gathered up the cards and did a quick glance at his watch. Newt knew they were likely waiting for when Hermann would be coming down to see him. They were helping him fill time, fill space and take his mind off of what was going on. Newton was honestly grateful for that especially since his notebook had been taken away. He couldn’t even get his thoughts written out properly; couldn’t work on realigning himself out on pages to fully understand himself.

              “Maybe we should remember to make actual bets this time,” Tendo said as Herc started shuffling which meant they still had more of that time to kill; space to waste, seconds to pass, minutes to tick…that might not be his best one. Honestly Newt was feeling a little oddly wired at the moment and his knee jumped under the table as another hand got dealt out.

              “I say winner takes all this hand,” Herc said as he handed them their second card each. Newt and Tendo checked their cards almost in sync as Herc waited for them patiently. Newt was at fifteen which was probably the worse he could have. He had a good chance of busting if he asked for a card but there wasn’t much of a chance he’d have the hand closest to twenty-one either.

              “I’ll take a card,” Tendo said with a lot more confidence then Newton felt at the moment. Herc handed him one and Tendo grinned as he took a look at it leaving Newton even more certain he couldn’t just sit on his fifteen.

              “I’ll take one too…” Herc gave him a look as though questioning whether Newt was sure about it before handing one over to him. Newton peaked at it and saw the jack of clubs looking at him and he gave a groan. “I’m out.”

              “Alright, I’m going to take a card. Are you ready, your highness?”

              “That’s excellency, Marshal, and yes I am.” Tendo smiled wide as he flipped his cards over and showed that he had twenty. He started scooping all the skittles towards himself with a happy hum as Herc gave a sigh.

              “Well, that’s a shame. Don’t really know what I’m going to do with all these damn skittles.” Herc said as he turned his cards over. Tendo gave a laugh but then seemed to process what Herc said and stopped. Newton couldn’t help the snort of amusement as he saw that Herc had an even twenty-one. “Guess I’ll have to give these to the cadets. Thanks for gathering them all up for me, your excellency.”

              “I think the dealer cheated,” Tendo said as he huffed and leaned back in his chair. He gave Newt a wink as Herc finished gathering the remaining skittles up and getting them back in the resealable bag Jake had brought them in.

              “Guess we’ll never know. Newt you want me to leave a few or do you think you’ve had enough?” Newton eyed the candy feeling tempted to ask him to leave some for him. His mouth was already fuzzy feeling from the sugar coating his teeth though and he was pretty certain he was feeling a little ill after eating that last handful.

              “I…I think I’m good. Thanks, Herc.” He got a nod in response as Herc started to get the cards put away as well though these he left them on the table once they were back in the box. They’d probably leave them for him now which meant Newt would maybe at least be able to play solitaire if he was stuck sitting around on his own for a while. “Hermann’s gonna be down soon.” It was less a question than a statement. Newton had consistently been able to tell when Hermann was about to come down to see him by the fact that his mental barriers would drop.

              “He should be, brother, unfortunately we need to get going.” Tendo stood up with a stretch but then leaned down over the back of Newton’s chair to give him a hug from behind. “Allie wants to come by and see you once she gets in. You good with that?” He spoke quietly in Newton’s ear, keeping the words private and Newton gave a soft nod of his head even if he felt a little sick at the thought. Or that might have been the skittles. Newton wasn’t entirely certain it wasn’t at least in part the skittles though he was nervous to talk with Allison too. Tendo kissed his cheek before he let go, ruffling Newton’s hair as he moved towards the door.

              Herc gave him a short wave before he opened the door and the two of them left. Newton sighed, spotted a skittle that had been left on the table near the cards and snagged it. One more wouldn’t hurt.

             

              Hermann glanced down at his phone when he heard it ping in his pocket. He had taken the time to check on progress for the repairs on the jaegers as well as the retrofitting of Shao’s newly scrubbed drone system. It was a relief to be heading down to see Newton to be honest though he had to try and fight off a yawn as he read Tendo’s message.

 

_Just left. You know who still down here; Caleb and Ford keeping an eye on him. Newt seems to be doing good today though he might possibly be heading for a sugar rush and the immediate crash._

             

              Hermann sighed as he read that. He hoped that they hadn’t gone completely overboard with the treats. It wasn’t that Newton didn’t deserve to enjoy them but Hermann was worried about a sudden reintroduction of high levels of sugar would wreak havoc on his system. Still, he had appreciated the suggestion that a group of them help distract Newton for a while that afternoon.

              The elevator doors opened and Hermann started down the hall wondering if he could ask one of the medics if they’d be willing to grab him another cup of coffee. Perhaps not though; they weren’t there to retrieve things for them and if he had wanted the caffeine he should have gotten himself before heading down.

              “Dr. Gottlieb?” Hermann had to use a drastic amount of willpower to keep his sigh of annoyance from becoming a reality. He paused to look behind him ready to dismiss whichever J-tech or lab assistant had found him but instead found one of the young cadets looking at him.

              “Cadet Namani, can I help you with something?” Hermann felt a bit weary in her presence. He knew that Rangers Pentecost and Lambert had been attempting to get the cadets to see Newton in a kinder light the last few days. He hadn’t heard much on how that was going though he’d gotten a glare from one of them in the mess hall the day before so he had little hope.

              “No, no I don’t need help with anything I just…I was thinking if it would be cool I could come and hang out in the observation room while you’re talking with Dr. Geiszler? I get it if that’s weird and all but Jake…Ranger Pentecost, wants me to try and understand like where he’s coming from so…” She gave a shrug as she shoved her hands in her pockets like she was trying to contain herself.

              “I…suppose that would be alright as long as you are on your best behavior. The councilor is still present and I fear he is likely not in a good mood.” Hermann motioned down the hall to signal that she could follow before he started walking again. She quickly moved to catch up and then fell in step with him.

              “Is that cause he knows that he’s gonna have to admit Dr. Geiszler is back to being human and shit?” Hermann raised a brow at the cadet as she talked excitedly. “Sorry, and stuff?”

              “Dr. Geiszler has always been human, Cadet Namani, but yes I believe that that is an accurate read of the situation.” Amara gave him a small smile as Hermann glanced down the hall towards their destination. He could feel Newton in the back of his mind now; a hint of curiosity at who he was talking to and a hyper active excitement to see him that seemed fueled by more than his typical enthusiasm. Either his tolerance for sugar had gone down or they’d truly spoiled him with sweets that afternoon.

              “He’s your dad, isn’t he? Couldn’t you just, like, make him understand what’s going on?” Hermann sighed at this question, pulling them to a stop before they got too close to the door that Lars would be lurking behind. “I mean, I’ve heard that you and Dr. Geiszler were like _close._ You would probably be the best judge of whether he’s himself again or not.”

              “Cadet Namani.”

              “Yeah?” The word came out a little defiant sounding as though she was expecting to have to argue. He hadn’t interacted much with her but he had heard she was rather talented and had been on her own for a long while. He wasn’t entirely certain what to make of her apparent interest in Newton given how she had acted about the situation in that first meeting. She’d been the most vocal about her feelings that he wasn’t worth the time.

              _Give her a chance, Hermms._ His expression softened as he felt the words more than heard them in the back of his mind. Newton had, perhaps, always been a little more willing to trust people than him despite also being far more willing to fight people in the same breath.

              “Though the councilor and I are related I fear it is not that simple. To be rather honest my insistence that Dr. Geiszler has returned to himself and should not be subjected to their ‘interrogation’ techniques has likely only served to convince him that is exactly what should be done. However, he is still a man of evidence and reason so I am hoping that he cannot rightfully deny the obvious truth in front of him in this situation. It is important, if you are going to be in the room with him, that you avoid making commentary on the situation.”

              “He sounds like a dick,” Amara stated with a frown as she crossed her arms. That defensive stance eased back some as she nodded down the hall as though asking if they were going to go or not.

              _I like her._

_**Of course, you do. She just called my father a dick. You like anyone who says that.**_ Hermann felt Newton’s humor at the comment and smiled a little. Amara understandably took this as being aimed at her and she smiled back before turning to march towards the room. Hermann shook his head and followed after her.

 

              Amara sat in the back of the room like she’d done the other day once they got inside. Dr. Gottlieb glanced at her, gave her a look before glancing towards his father as though reminding her she needed to stay quiet. She gave him a thumbs up before he stepped into the room with Dr. Geiszler without a word to anyone else in the room. One of the guys sitting at the computers gave her a questioning look before holding out a bag of skittles to offer her one.

              She hadn’t told Vik where she was going because she knew that it would probably end up in an argument. Instead, she had slipped away before training happened and she knew her drift partners would be busy. Jake would have questions later but she was pretty sure she’d be able to handle him. He had been the one that wanted them to give Dr. Geiszler a chance in the first place. She leaned forward in her chair as she watched the two doctors through the window; Gottlieb offering Geiszler a notebook that seemed somewhat significant.

              Amara would admit when they first came down she thought it was going to be a bunch of bullshit. That the guy would maybe not be so obviously crazy or evil or whatever but that he’d not be that different from the basic impression she had when she’d snuck down that first night after he’d been captured. She knew she shouldn’t have; it had taken a lot just to get past the guys guarding the room in the first place, but she’d snuck in and saw him through the two-way mirror just staring blankly.

              It hadn’t taken her much to figure out how to unlock the door and then she used one of the chairs in the room to keep it open a crack as she’d stepped inside with him. He had sneered at her, had mocked her and asked what she was hoping to gain. When she had told him that she was the one that had killed his damn kaiju he’d raged at her and she’d actually felt a bit scared in those moments before she’d backed out of the room and let the door close and lock behind her once more.

              She hadn’t told Jake about it, hadn’t told Vik either. She knew they’d both be mad, would focus more of the fact that she shouldn’t have done it than why she had. She had wanted to see them, these Precursors who had sent the kaiju through the breach, the ones who had actually been responsible for her family’s deaths. For Suresh.

              And so, when Jake had dragged them down here to see Dr. Geiszler she had expected to still be able to see some of that rage. But the person she had seen in the room with Jake had been so completely different than she had expected. She wasn’t convinced though, not yet, which was why she had come down here late last night when there was no one but that Tendo guy around. He had told her there wasn’t much going on but Geiszler had still been awake toying with his keyboard. He had let her sit in there with him and then had suggested that she should come see him when Dr. Gottlieb was around sometime.

              It was why she was down here now watching Gottlieb sit down next to him on the edge of the bed as Geiszler briefly flipped through the pages of the notebook. She reached over and smacked the guy with the skittles on the shoulder lightly so he’d hold the bag out to her again. She grabbed another handful; ate a few slowly to relish them since she honestly hadn’t gotten a lot of candy over the years.

              She frowned as she thought about the Dr. Geiszler she’d first met in that room when she’d strayed where she shouldn’t have been. Thought about the nervous guy she’d seen talking with Jake who had seemed intimidated and even a bit shy. Even the guy she’d seen last night sitting quietly playing some song she didn’t know on the piano while singing along in a whisper seemed different. Because the Dr. Geiszler she saw now who had lit up at the sight of Dr. Gottlieb, who was talking in a more animated manner while gesturing with his hands, seemed so incredibly human it almost surprised her.

              “Huh…” The word slipped out without intent and she got a glare from the councilor who really wasn’t as much like Dr. Gottlieb as she’d originally thought. She gave a soft shrug before looking back through the window.


	14. Don't Worry; About a Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day finally comes where the council will make their decision. Lars decides to have a conversation with Newton the triggers an undesirable response; Herc feels responsible; the council comes to its final decision and requests Newton's presence.

          It was early, well, early enough that it was probably still considered late. Herc was supposed to relieve Jake and Nate from watch duty though and had stopped to pick up coffee on the way. He was carrying the tray with one hand as he made his way off the elevator and down the hall towards Newton's room. With any luck he'd still be sleeping off that sugar rush from earlier. In about eight hours they'd be having the meeting with the council to hear their final decision so he'd likely need his rest. Especially if the decision went south. 

          Herc's first clue that something was wrong the hint of raised voices as he approached the room. The second was Cadet Namani running out of the door and almost straight into him. Her eyes were wide and she started talking at a mile per minute the second she realized who she'd almost taken out. 

          "Jake told him he didn't have permission to do it but he just did it anyway. He's in there now and they told me to go get Dr. Gottlieb and-"

          "Slow down, Cadet, what's going on?" Herc had a sinking feeling in his gut. Lars had been combative in their earlier meeting where they had discussed the possibility that any information gained from Dr. Geiszler would be, at best, suspect given the Precursor's previous control. 

          "That councilor guy went into the room to talk to Dr. Geiszler. Jake and Ranger Lambert tried to stop him but he threatened to have them court marshaled for interfering." Herc glanced towards the door where the room seemed quiet again; the raised voices having either moved further in or stopped. 

          "Go get Dr. Gottlieb; he might already be on his way." Herc stepped around her, moved towards the door of the observation room hoping he'd find some sort of order on the other side. Nate looked back at him, still in the observation room but near the door. Jake and Lars were both inside the room where Newton was sitting on the edge of the bed; hands hovering over the keyboard and looking a bit shocked. 

          "Sir, we tried to keep him out; everything short of throwing him over our shoulders and carrying him out. Jake told me to hang back, I don't think he felt my presence would help the situation once he was in there." Herc took a deep breath as he shoved the tray of coffee onto the table. He did a quick look over Newton's vitals on the screen; running a bit high but still within normal ranges for someone who was probably feeling less than at ease. 

          "Dr. Geiszler, I would assume you remember me?" Lars’ voice came through the speaker and Herc found some relief in the fact that it apparently hadn't been long since he'd gotten into the room at least.

          "Uh...yeah, Lars...I do; your kind of hard to forget. What's going on? Did the council come to a decision? Is Hermann here?" Newton glanced towards the window as if he'd be able to see if Dr. Gottlieb was present or not. Herc had a feeling the question was more rhetorical than anything else. Newton typically knew before anyone else that Dr. Gottlieb was coming down to see him.

          "If things start going sideways you have my full permission to carry him out with force, understood?" Herc gave Nate a stern look as he gave the order before stepping into the room himself; forcing himself to drop some of that tension so not to make Newton feel even more panicked than he already was. Jake looked back at him; mouth closing once he saw it wasn't Nate stepping inside. "Councilor, I don't believe you have clearance to be in this room." 

          Lars glanced over his shoulder at him but didn't seem to feel in was necessary to respond. Herc met Newton's eyes; tried to gauge if everything was alright. He seemed present and in control as he gave Herc a nervous, tentative smile of gratitude. 

          "Marshal, I assure you my clearance is above even yours. I won't take long I would just like to have a chance to talk with Dr. Geiszler before the council's decision this morning." Jake came to stand shoulder to shoulder with Herc as Lars dismissed them without actually addressing them. The guy had always been a bit of a tosser.

          "That's...that's okay. Just for a little bit." Newton spoke up sounding less certain than he tried to seem as he shifted to play a few notes on the keyboard. Leaned into the music that had helped ground him in the first place. 

          "If it gets to a point you don't want to talk anymore just say the word, G.” Jake didn’t take his eyes off of Lars as he spoke and Herc hoped he wouldn’t have to rein him in. Granted, he wouldn't have any trouble carrying Lars on out of this room if it came down to it himself.

          "It’s settled then. Thank you, Dr. Geiszler, for being receptive. Now, do you recall much of your time under the control of the Precursors?" Lars took this as his cue to start talking and Newton frowned as he thought about it. Fingers moving across the keys even with his distraction. 

          "Bits and pieces. Not a whole lot; they cut me off from most of it. Only let me see the bits I think they thought would dog me down the most," Newton said after a few seconds. "I would have thought you'd know that much, Lars, given you had my journal for a couple of days." Herc watched Newton closely; hoped that Mako or Gottlieb would hurry up and get down here. He honestly was compelled to pull Lars out of there but it would be at risk of pissing him off right before the council’s decision was going to be made. Newton seemed to be okay so far; there was a bitterness in his voice but that seemed more due to the circumstances being discussed and the person he was discussing them with. 

          "Forgive me if I found some need for clarification given the general rambling nature of your journal. Do you recall when you first became aware of their presence in your mind? Through the theorized 'ghost drift' that some drift compatible pairs have alleged to experience?" Lars waved his hand dismissively as if the notion wasn't one that had been proven existent even during the war. Herc knew some people who'd never experienced the drift still argued it. Still said it was just psychosomatic and not the very real phenomena that occurred. 

          "Good to know you’re still dismissing things that don’t fit your narrow point of view, Lars." Newton rolled his eyes a little but then stopped to actually contemplate the question. "I'm...not completely certain. It wasn't that long after we closed the breach. It started as just nightmares, moved to migraines and then followed through with sleep walking and chunks of missing time. I do remember that. The actually time frame that all took place in though...time's still not...solidly linear right now. It's...it's just a jumble and I can't dig too much-"

          "Do you have ulterior motives in trying to get close to my son again?” Lars let the question hang in the air for a moment as Newton frowned at him a little indignantly. “Or; more to the point I suppose, do the Precursors have reasons to motivate you to get close to him?" Lars spoke impatiently as he sensed Newton wasn’t going to answer; the notes of the keyboard paused for a long second. Herc shifted a little but Newton started up with a perturbed expression on his face as he contemplated what Lars was suggesting.

          "Before, when they were in control, they didn’t want me to have anything to do with him. They knew…he had the best chance of breaking their hold on me.” Newton gave a little shrug as he kept his eyes on the keyboard. “When we first drifted I do think there was some…interest in that. They hoped that drifting would let them get a hold of him. They didn’t, obviously, and they're shut out...well, mostly shut out now. Closed off, I guess? Can’t tell you what they’re thinking now."

          "But you could if you wanted to?" Herc shifted forward a little, motioned for Jake to stay back. He was going to call this. He was going to end the conversation before it could go any further because he could see the irritation on Lars' face and the hesitancy in Newton's. Herc placed his hand on Lars’ shoulder only for him to shake it off.

          "This conversation is over, councilor. You shouldn't be in here in the first place-" Herc moved to step between Newton and Lars; to try and make the councilor move back towards the door. They weren't doing this; they weren't risking the progress Newton had made because of some higher up who wanted to push buttons he didn't understand. Herc knew damn well that Lars  _should_  understand; that he had been a part of the early years of discovery with drift technology and seen the reports of what could go wrong even in a normal drift. 

          "If I try to poke around or dig through things too closely they've tried to use it as a way back in. So, no I don’t think I could-“

          “And if you drifted with the kaiju brain we found in your apartment? Could you not gain some insight-“ Herc and Jake both moved to take ahold of Lars now; to push him back towards the door.

          “You’re done, Councilor.”

          “That’s…that’s not what they’ve decided is it? It's not like the drift between the jaeger pilots; it's not fifty-fifty. I might get an inch but they'll take a mile. Is Hermann here? I really feel like Hermann should be here.” Herc could hear the rising panic in Newton’s voice and cursed at himself for not just dragging Lars’ ass out of the room in the beginning.

          “Both of you stop interfering; I will have you both dismissed from duty. Dr. Geiszler, if we open the breach on our side will it be following their plan? If you are able to give us information-“

          "What?" Newton's voice came out small and fearful sounding at the suggestion. "No...what? I don't...what do you mean was that part of their plan? Wait, no, what does he mean?" Jake had a firm hold on Lars now and Herc moved to face Newton; to try and get him to calm down.

          "If we are simply following their plan and more innocent lives are lost it would be on your hands.” They had been talking all at once but this statement stunned everyone but Lars into silence.

          “Get the hell out of here.” Herc gave a growl of anger as he turned back towards Lars. Jake had a firm hold on him now and Herc pushed him towards the door doing his best to resist the urge to hit him. Lars’ focus was over his shoulder as he stopped fighting.

          “Marshal.” Nate had the door open; a hand reaching to grab Jake’s shoulder to direct him through. Herc turned as he realized that their attention was all on Newton behind him and he turned to look back at him. Newton had rested his hands on the keyboard for support as he stood and the notes droned on long and unending now as he seemed frozen in place. Herc felt his heart sink in his chest at the distressed look on Newton’s face.  

          "Get him out of here; I don't care at this point how," Herc said to Jake without turning away from Newton. 

          "Just because he's throwing a tantrum-"

          "It's not him throwing one, Councilor." Jake interrupted Lars as he pulled him through the door. If Lars responded to that it was after the door closed behind the others because Herc didn’t hear it. Newton was still standing frozen in place looking distant as the notes continued to drone from the keyboard. Herc took a few careful steps forward; didn't want to startle him as he hoped Newton still had enough of a hold on himself. This would be on him if Newton lost that hold, at least in part give it had happened under his watch. Lars had his own share of the blame though and Herc would make sure he answered for it.

          "Dr. Geiszler?" No response. "Newton?" This seemed to get his attention as Newton blinked and looked at Herc. He realized they were on their own in the room now; didn't seem to notice his fingers still pressed on the keyboard as Herc stepped up so he was directly across it from him. 

          "I....I...I didn't mean..." 

          "I know, you didn't mean to open that door but you did and I need you to close it, mate. Shut them back out." Tears welled up in Newton's eyes as he seemed to struggle to find words. Herc carefully reached forward; set his hands on Newton's wrists with the intent of lifting them just enough to stop the incessant drone. Newton frowned as he looked down at the keyboard like he was noticing it for the first time and Herc pulled his hands away. The noise had stopped but Newton’s fingers were still lightly touching the keys. "Why don't you continue with that song you were playing? Music helped before..."

          Newton nodded a bit wildly before shaking his hands out to set them on the keys once more. They sat there, no notes played, and his hands still shaking. "I...I can't remem...No.....No...." His words stopped and his hands balled into fists for just a moment before Herc had to reflexively step back as Newton grabbed the keyboard and shoved it away with force. It scattered to the floor with a heavy thud and they stood in silence that was only broken by a soft sob. "I'm...I'm sorry...I...they..."

          They knew that the music helped and so they'd stopped him. Newton gave a soft sound that seemed like a whimper of pain as he wrapped his arms around himself. Herc stepped closer to him; placed his hands on Newton’s shoulders to get his attention.

          “Herc…” The word was a plead as Newton seemed to struggle to pull breath in and a trickle of blood was starting to drip down his lip. Herc sighed and tugged Newton on an instinct that apparently hadn’t died out even after ten plus years. He felt Newton’s hands tangle in his shirt as he tried to help limit the things that could distract his focus.

          “You’re doing good; I just need you to breath.” He heard Newton drag in a deep breath as if he’d needed to be told that air was something he required. “You can beat them; get them the hell out and shut that door. Everything’s gonna be alright; just focus on my voice.” Herc sighed as he tried to dig for something to help; didn’t have to dig as deep as he would have thought as memories of a different time rose up like a reminder he didn’t need. “Don’t worry…about a thing. Cause every little thing’s, gonna be alright.”

          It felt awkward and stilted to him; something someone else used to do for a kid having a rough time. Something he had perhaps failed to do in later years when that kid hadn’t been a kid anymore.

          Herc heard Newton’s voice join his, weak and quiet at first, but getting a bit steadier as they went through the repeated words. It seemed like a struggle for him at first, words skipped and phrases missed entirely. He seemed to have to fight to pull in breaths Herc rested his cheek against the top of Newton’s head as he tried to will him to get through it.

          “Woke up this morning…smile at the risin’ sun…” Newton seemed to find his footing as he took a deep gasp of air, seemed to relax just a little as Herc held on and waited for Newton to give the signal he was okay. His voice was a little stronger as he fell more in time with the words. “Three little birds…sat on my doorstep…”

          “That’s right, son, you’ve got it,” Herc said quietly as Newton repeated through the chorus on more time before going a quiet for a few seconds. He wasn’t that vibrating ball of tension anymore; wasn’t struggling for breath though his hands stayed knotted in Herc’s shirt. “You got it, mate?”

          “Yeah…I think I’m okay now…” Newton mumbled the words back sounding a little disoriented. Herc moved to pull away feeling awkward as the moment passed but he felt Newton’s hold on him tighten at the sign that he was going to step back. “Maybe just stay…for a little bit. Hermann will be here soon but…I…is it okay if you just sit with me until then?”

          “Yeah, of course.” Herc nodded and Newton finally let him go as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Herc glanced towards the window despite knowing he wouldn’t be able to see anything. It might be a good thing he couldn’t see anything because Lars Gottlieb was walking on very thin ice with him right then. He sat down besides Newton who scooted close to his side. Herc glanced down at him for a moment before letting his arm rest around Newton’s shoulders so he could lean against his side. Newton looked unsteady and heavily shaken but didn’t seem to be fighting internal battles anymore.

          “Sorry…about the keyboard…I hope it’s not broken.” Herc glanced at the mentioned instrument that was still lying on the floor upside down. It had hit pretty hard but he hoped it wasn’t fragile enough to be damaged by the spill.

          “It’s alright if it is. We’ll get you a new one.”

          “I…do I have money? If I have money use it rather than having anyone else spend anything.” Herc made a soft noise of amusement at this, glanced down at Newton who was trying to clear away the blood on his face with the back of his hand.

          “It’s fine. Might not even be broken anyway. You did good.” Newton shrugged a little, looked up at him though he didn’t maintain eye contact long before looking back down at his hands resting in his lap. There was still a little bit of a tremor that he tried to cover by balling him up in the ends of his shirt sleeves.

          “Well, you helped…don’t think I would have managed without that.”

          “Nah, I just provided the soundtrack. _You’re_ the one who got them out, Newt. You beat them.” Newton smiled a little at this as Herc heard some raised voices from the observation room; muffled but present in the quiet. Newton looked distracted as he stared at the mirror, seemed to shrink down besides Herc again.

          “So, uh…wouldn’t have pegged you for a Marley fan.” Newton sounded nervous and Herc had a feeling he was trying to ignore the voices. One of which, no doubt, was Dr. Gottlieb.

          “My wife…liked his music. She used to sing it to Chuck when he was having a rough day. When he was younger…obviously…”

          “Oh…I’m sorry...” Herc shook his head but didn’t feel like his voice would be strong enough if he tried to answer. “Hermann’s here. He’ll be in in a moment…he’s just…” Newton seemed to flounder for the word. He sat up a little straighter as he kept glancing towards the door.

          “Pissed?” Herc offered up the word after the pause had drawn out and Newton gave a quiet laugh.

          “Yeah. Yeah, that describes it.” Newton stilled for a moment and his eyes moved to the door. Herc knew it was his cue even before the door opened and Dr. Gottlieb came stumbling in looking between the two of them with concern.

          “Is everything alright? Newton?” Newton gave a soft nod of his head in response as Herc patted him on the shoulder. He shifted to stand up then so he could give them their time. They’d have a lot to talk about. “Marshal.” Hermann greeted him cautiously and Herc paused besides him with a frown.

          “It shouldn’t have happened. It’s on me that it did; I should have dragged him out of here the moment I got here.”

          “My father would have found his moment no matter what, Marshal…I appreciate that you were here.” Herc gave a nod of his head but didn’t respond.

          In his mind this was still his responsibility for not hauling the councilor out of the room. He took a breath as he stepped through the door into the observation room where most everyone else had apparently congregated. The only one who didn’t seem to be present anymore was Lars Gottlieb. Tendo was leaning over the desk at the computer clicking through screens with Mako close to his side.

          Herc was exhausted and they now would have to address that incident at the meeting later in the morning.

 

         

          It had been…like a tidal wave trying to swipe him off his feet at first. Newton hadn’t meant to poke and pry and open up that connection. Lars suggestion that they were trying to get to Hermann had hit a little close to home. Newton had been worried about that as well ever since that first drift. Had worried about it during the drift that followed. If they wanted to get to Hermann, he was the easiest way but that wasn’t why _Newton_ wanted to be close to Hermann.

          Newton loved Hermann. Which was something that was hard to say out loud now given he knew there was a lot between them that he didn’t fully understand. He knew it had passed between them through their shared connection more than once but saying it out loud seemed to be a lot. That love was Newton’s main reason for wanting to be near him though he had to admit the stability Hermann seemed to offer helped as well.

          And then there had been the suggestion that they were playing into their hands by reopening the breach. As Jake had said; they were going to go after the Precursors. Any details beyond that Newton didn’t know but he’d definitely handed over the ability for them to do so. He’d even done his best to pass on that information about how to do it during those moments in the drift. The last time they’d tried to wash over him in a harsh wave. Had he helped assure more loss of life? Would he have more blood on his hands?

          And so, he’d cracked that door open just a little and they had washed over him in a swarm. Herc had helped; when he’d struggled to find footing Herc had given him something to focus on. Words and a tune. An unexpected bit of help him manage to pull through. The moment they’d quieted in his mind; the second he finally had pushed them back, he’d had unexpected silence. It had been a feat that Newton still wasn’t entirely certain how he’d managed it.

          They had been gone though and he had carefully dropped the wall he’d attempted to throw up to keep them from spreading if he’d failed. With that he had suddenly heard Hermann frantic and fierce in the back of his mind.

          There had been some initial panic on Hermann’s part that was, maybe, just a little bit of Newton’s original panic being mirrored back at him. Newton had barely been able to get a word in during it all as Hermann had looked him over and tutted at the blood from his nose bleed. He had repeatedly asked him if he was alright, half the time without saying the words as he seemed just as relieved that they could hear each other again mentally. It had been overwhelming but in that good way that had pushed a lot of the ache and feelings of failure away.

          They were lying in bed together now. Hermann was curled around him, arms holding him tight and nose pressed against the back of Newton’s neck. They’d both run out of words and reassurances and had finally just curled up to find comfort being near each other. For the moment, Newton was trying to enjoy his small triumph and the feel of his legs tangled with Hermann’s. The lights had been dimmed at some point and Newton could hear Hermann’s steady breaths rise and fall near his ear. Feel them brush against the back of his neck.

          Newton knew that Hermann had spent quite a few words on Lars when he’d gotten down to the observation room. He hadn’t asked specifics, hadn’t wanted to know just how badly it was going to reflect on him given a decision was supposed to be made. Either way though, Newton knew he had screwed up. It had been too close and he had opened that door for them no matter how unintentional it had been. Herc might have been right in that he’d managed to fight them back but it had been a near thing. It wasn’t just the keyboard they had wanted to smash.

          Hermann’s breathes were interrupted by a knock on the door and he stirred besides him. Newton shifted; tried to sit up enough to see who it was while part of him feared the worse. He had no idea what time it was and, even if he had, he didn’t know when the meeting with the council was supposed to take place. Mako stepped in; Raleigh close behind her as he stayed back in the doorway. Hermann finally seemed to pull himself fully into consciousness as he shifted to sit up as well.

          “I apologize for waking you both. Dr. Gottlieb, it is time for the meeting with the council. Dr. Geiszler, your presence has been requested as well if you feel up for it?” Newton frowned, felt around for his glasses for a moment before that realization hit him for what was far from the first time. Newton could feel Hermann’s own confusion reflecting his own which meant he didn’t know what was going on either. He was pulling himself off the bed though; straightening out as Newton continued to sit where he was at.

          “They want Newton to come as well?” Newton worried at his cuticle as he felt a small wave of anxiety. Getting out of the confines of the room honestly sounded like a relief but going to deal with the council was far down on his list of things he’d like to do just then. He’d fucked up; they’d probably use that against him. Say he was a risk. Was he a risk? He’d pushed them back; had managed to fight them back. Certainly that would count for _something,_ wouldn’t it? They wouldn’t make him actually drift again, would they?

          _I would not allow that._ Hermann’s words were gentle but stern in his mind. They mixed with the sound of Raleigh’s voice as he spoke up from the doorway.

          “Only if he’s okay with it. It’s not bad that they’ve asked you to attend the meeting, Dr. Geiszler.” Raleigh leaned against the doorframe as Mako nodded her head in agreement. Hermann looked back at him; leaned to offer him his hand and Newton hesitated for a moment longer before taking it.

          “Do you feel comfortable with this, Newton?” Hermann asked him as he climbed off the bed. Newton took a few of those deep breaths and tried to gauge just how he felt about it. Maybe it was better that he go and hear what they decided. Mako wouldn’t have come to suggest it if there was a possibility this was going to go bad. She stepped over to him now to set a hand gently on his shoulder.

          “I promise that it will be alright, Newton. No matter what we will keep you safe. I believe that their request for you to be present is a good sign.” Newton glanced up at Hermann who seem far from certain of this himself. Hermann realized he was letting his own insecurities leak through their connection and Newton felt some countering reassurances slip between them. The others would keep them safe no matter which side the decision fell.

          “It’s fine. I’m fine; let’s go. Gonna rock this…right?” Newton attempted a smile; stuck himself close to Hermann’s side as Mako gave him a reassuring nod. They turned to head out of the room he’d been in for…a few weeks? Maybe just a single week? God, he hated that he still wasn’t entirely certain on all that. Hermann’s hand found his and their finger intertwined as they stepped out into the hall.

          Herc met them out in the hall with Nate in tow. The four of them took similar positions they’d taken when Newton had first been moved down to this room. They posted themselves around Hermann and him as they made their way to the elevator. Newton glanced around a little as they walked; was grateful for the fact that the shatterdomes looked so similar inside even after all this time. It was a little less overwhelming than it might have been otherwise.

          “We will be discussing both the information that we have submitted as well as Councilor Gottlieb’s observations. I believe it might be best that you wait outside of the room during that portion. Marshal Hansen has offered to wait with you to dismiss any concerns of you waiting on your own, Dr. Geiszler. Once we have reached the point where the council will make their suggestion on how to move forward, we will bring you in.” Mako stood next to him as the elevator moved upward; Newton’s stomach dropping with the sensation. She talked quietly as she explained it and Newton glanced in Herc’s direction.

          “And if the council’s suggestion isn’t the favorable outcome you are expecting?” Hermann asked the question. Everyone was speaking in quiet tones; whispers despite the fact that they were the only ones in the elevator.

          “At that point we will request more time. And while we navigate the red tape; I believe you know what to do at that point, Dr. Gottlieb.” Mako gave a small nod of her head and Hermann mirrored it after a moment’s hesitation. Newton knew what that step would be. They’d run then which meant Hermann leaving everything else he had here. It meant the two of them hiding away somewhere and Newton having to make absolutely certain he didn’t slip like he had done earlier today. He’d have to make certain he wouldn’t lose himself and injure Hermann in the process.

          Hermann gave his hand a squeeze as the elevator doors opened and they were led out once more. They were on the administrative levels now and more people were around. Several J-techs and various personnel in business attire stopped to watch them as they passed. Most shied away from any direct eye contact from any of their escorts. Newton kept his owns eyes down; worried about what he would see if he made eye contact with any of them in turn.  

          Raleigh opened one of the doors off to the side and Newton gave a breath of relief as they stepped into a smaller space. There were conference rooms branched off of this space; windows with blinds pulled down over them though he could catch a peek of Tendo inside one of the rooms getting a computer set up. Jake was with him and Newton suspected that Lars was sittings somewhere along the table. Hermann turned to look at him; fussedd with Newton’s shirt which was a mess and there wasn’t going to be any saving it. Newton maybe should have requested time to change but he didn’t know if any of the band t-shirts he had stored up in his room would have looked any better.

          “If at any point you feel uncomfortable-“

          “I sort of feel uncomfortable a hundred percent of the time right now, Hermms.” Hermann gave him a steady look for the interruption though it wasn’t unkind. Newton wet his lips, nodded his head in understanding that this was serious. That’s why he needed some sort of brevity; this was a little too serious. Everything had been nonstop serious for far too long. Okay, skittles and poker hadn’t been serious. Newton had enjoyed that.          

          “If you feel it’s too much or things get confrontational once you’re in there with the rest of us. You let any of us know and we will get you out of there.” Hermann had moved on to straightening his hair; fingers combing through it as if there was any hope for it. Newton smiled a little at the attention; he could handle the doting.

          “We’ll be just fine, Dr. Gottlieb. It’s best the rest of you get in there.” Herc nodded towards the door as the others started to file into the conference room. Hermann still seemed reluctant to leave him and Newton tried to pull from that well of self-confidence that had once seemed bottomless inside him. It was all but drained after all that had happened but he managed to dredge a small bit up to lifted Hermann’s hand up to press a kiss to the back of it.

          They had prepared him for what they were intending to show as far as evidence of Newton's improvement. Hermann hadn't been expecting the last-minute addition of the council requesting his presence though. He could see the back of Newton's head through the window as he sat next to Herc. No doubt there was some forethought put into that decision as well. If the sudden freedom from his confined room triggered yet another attempt from the Precursors to regain control Herc would be able to handle him. Herc had somehow handled the earlier incident that had triggered alarm bells in the back of Hermann's mind and almost grounded him in place. 

          It had been like a wall had fallen between them once more but this one wasn't that non-existence that had occurred when they'd been in control. This had been a wall put in place by Newton; it had given Hermann just enough to know what was happening while keeping separation between them. Like hearing an argument between neighbors through the walls of an apartment.

          It had been enough for him to know they'd had intent behind their actions. It hadn't been to take control of Newton for the sake of using him as their puppet once more. This time they'd aimed to take control with the aim to destroy his mind and any lingering bits of information he might hold. And Newton had shut them out; on his own. Which would have given Hermann faith that this was working if it didn't come with the dread of how the council would interpret those moments from this morning. 

          They were showing some of the video from when Newton was fully under the Precursor's control at the moment. It wasn't anything new to the council but they'd be given more extensive video footage from the more recent days. Footage that would show how clearly changed he was. Mako was doing most of the talking; calm and even voice speaking as if she was giving a budgetary meeting rather than discussing the fate of someone they both loved dearly. She had seemed confident; Hermann wished he could borrow some of that as he felt anything but. 

          Tendo's hand was gripping his under the table as Hermann kept his eyes off the screen. He didn't need reminding of what it had been like when Newton had been strapped into a chair and not in control. He looked towards his father who met his eyes with a steady gaze; a light frown as if he disapproved of him. It bubbled a sense of hatred up in the back of his mind that was completely his own in those moments. 

          "I believe you will have noticed that there has been a marked difference in Dr. Geiszler's mannerisms and behavior since he has regained control of himself. The lack of continued drifts with the kaiju brain that was found stored in his apartment and the series of drifts with his partner, Dr. Gottlieb, has helped solidify a hold that had been worn down by their barrage of attacks. The unfortunate incident of this morning where Councilor Gottlieb saw it fit to attempt to question Dr. Geiszler without prior approval or oversight on what questions he asked gave us further proof that he is managing to maintain this hold on himself." 

          This Hermann did choose to watch. He had been aware of the struggle but not of what it looked like on the outside. After entering the room to check that Newton was alright, he hadn't left; hadn't taken the time to get debriefed on the technicalities of the situation. Lars cleared his throat as if he expected Mako to make some sort of overture to him for calling him out. She only gave him a pleasant smile that didn't reach her eyes. The video was like the rest of them; it had that slightly off angle of a security camera placed with the thought of making as much of the room visible as possible. 

          Newton seemed fine until he stood and there had been a hitch in his movements; a flinch like he'd been hit by something he tried to pull away from. Hermann watched as Herc had approached Newton like he was a scared or wounded animal; as the keyboard went crashing and he’d instead taken hold of Newton. Aside from the keyboard's untimely devise there was no great shift or change apparent though it was difficult to tell near the end with Herc unintentionally shielding Newton from the camera. Still, no hint of the Precursors quite making it to the surface even with the quick panicked heartbeat of his vitals as Newton fought to hold them back.  

          "I would like to note two things with this incident. One; that questioning or pushing Dr. Geiszler to be used as a tool for gaining information from the Precursors is clearly a direct threat to his wellbeing. He managed to maintain control but it was a large stress on his system. We cannot allow him to be put in the position of having to sacrifice more than he has already lost over the last ten years. My second point is that it is clear that Dr. Geiszler has managed to regain and maintain his control despite violent attempts by the hivemind to pull him back. He will continue to need to be monitored and provided an environment that will be conducive to further his healing process.”

          Mako took a pause here, glanced at Hermann with one of her reassuring smiles. Hermann held his breath as she turned to make her next statement to the hologram-faces of the council members.

          “With that in mind; our request to the council is that the notion that Dr. Geiszler should be used to attempt to mine intelligence from the Precursor should be dismissed entirely and, given his improvements, that he be allowed escorted privileges within the shatterdome with the aim to extend these privileges as he proceeds through his recuperation." 

          A few of the members murmured to each other but there wasn’t any big sense of discussion. Hermann worried this meant they’d made up their minds already and weren’t to be swayed. If that was the case then their only hope was that their decision had been in their favor.

          “Thank you, Secretary General Mori, for your insights into the situation. We would like to hear Councilor Gottlieb’s observations from this last week and then we will convene for a short discussion before giving our decision.” Lars shifted in his chair to open his notes as one of his fellow councilors prompted him. Hermann briefly wished he had stayed out in the waiting area with Newton and Herc. Wished that he didn’t have to hear his father’s assessment. If it was a poor outcome it would only lessen the chance that Newton would be allowed to be freed from further consequence and questioning; that they would push forward with their original terrible plan.

          If it was in Newton’s favor, well, Lars would no doubt feel he was owed some sort of gratitude for any kind of turn the council’s decision took. Hermann had no idea how he had reacted to the morning’s incident that he had incited aside from his offended and startled look when Hermann had chewed him out the moment he’d arrived. He hadn’t given him the opportunity for rebuttal at that time.

          “Having observed Dr. Geiszler interaction with various people who have been familiar with him in the past I have come to some conclusions. The most evident one is that he is not stable. This morning shows that clearly and I feel that caution is the best approach in regards to any freedoms he may be given. These Precursors appear to still be present enough in his mind to pose a potential threat. This brings me to my second point…”

          Lars paused and Hermann had no doubt that he was looking at him. He kept his eyes down on the table, refused to meet his father’s gaze. He went over his check list that was slightly altered due to his unexpected morning spent sleeping in Newton’s quarters. The tickets were currently in the top shelf of his desk drawer. He had two bags packed; one for him and one with some of Newton’s old clothes inside it. The others would provide enough distraction to help them have time to leave the premises. After that Hermann would have to follow Mako’s instructions until they were out of the country and well on their way.

          “My second point is that, despite my continued belief that Dr. Geiszler holds useful information that we could use against the Precursors, that it is ill-advised to try and question him in regards to it. Due to the uncertain validity of information that may have been altered or warped by the Precursors during the last ten years and the clear threat it would pose to him and others around him to press for this information; I believe we have to consider him a corrupt resource which, in truth, is the same as being a useless one.”

 

          Newton had sat next to Herc as the others all retreated into the conference room for the first part of the meeting. He couldn’t quite shake his nerves and, if he was honest, having Herc be the one he was sitting with both made him feel infinitely more awkward and yet also safe at the same time. Cause Herc apparently knew how to handle it if things got…bad. At least bad in that way which was the worst way it could be bad.

          They had sat for a few long moments where Newton felt he was maybe not the only one feeling a bit awkward. It wasn’t like they’d been friends, not really. Most of their interactions previously had been work related discussions where Stacker was the one asking the questions. Yet, Herc was here and they’d had maybe a little too much emotional closeness earlier than either of them would have ever expected.

          “Sorry…I called you a fascist back then, by the way.” Newton heard the words slip out and winced a little. Yeah, good conversation starter there, Dr. Geiszler. Ten years stuck in your head definitely didn’t improve those skills any. “I mean, I meant it when I said it. I did cause really you were sort of, you know, maybe I should just…” Herc had turned to give him a look that was remarkably similar to the look he’d given Newton ten years ago.

          “That’s…alright, mate.” Herc didn’t sound entirely certain if that was actually ‘alright’ though he didn’t sound angry either. He sounded maybe just really tired? “Back then I suppose it probably fit the bill a bit. My duty came before everything else…in the end that sort of let a lot of important things slip through the cracks. A lot of things that shouldn’t have.”

          Newton swallowed, felt like they were treading into that uneasy emotional space again. He had known Chuck, well, kind of. The two of them had sometimes ended up on the helipad for their smoke breaks at the same time. He hadn’t always been the most pleasant person to be around but they’d had a strange sort of friendship during those moments of time. Chuck would maybe go off about something that Newton didn’t really understand or care that much about directly. In turn, Newton was able to vent at times about his frustrations with an experiment going wrong or funding being cut.

          And now he was sitting there next to Herc listening to him talk about how _important things_ had slipped through the cracks. Newton felt like that was a pretty fucking important thing but he also understood. Because he’d almost let himself slip through the cracks for the sake of trying to save the whole shebang. Well…Newton had slipped through the cracks, hadn’t he?

          “I believed in what we were doing back then. Had to; I mean we were fighting to try and save the world as a whole. It was all or nothing. Now? Truth be told, Dr. Geiszler, I don’t know why I stuck around this long. Mako and Raleigh, those two are trying to change things. They’ll stick around because they know what all this can be when better heads prevail. Me? Once your settled and those idiots are ready to leave you be? Once we’re done with all this us going after them bullshit? I think I’m done too. Duty shouldn’t be above people and duty shouldn’t mean training kids to fight your battles.”

          Newton sat for a few moments as he let that sink in; worried at his thumb nail that he really should let be. Herc was staring at the wall with a small frown as if he was lost in thought and it was all so fucking serious. “You know what I call that?” Newton spoke up as he gave Herc an expectant look. Herc frowned and glanced at him with confusion.

          “What?”

          “Growth.” Newton lifted his hand as he spoke; spread his fingers out like he was mimicking the blooming petals of a flower. Herc frowned a little more at him and then shook his head.

          “Thanks?” Newton sighed in disappointment as clearly the joke was missed. Granted, it was an old one. Though Herc was _older_ than him so he still should have gotten it unless Herc had completely missed out on the internet during…well, that was probably during the war. That uncomfortable stretch of time was the only thing growing at that point and Newton tugged at the cuff of his sweatshirt.  

          “I’m glad you’re here. That you stuck around long enough to be here right now.” The honesty thing didn’t make it any less weird but he felt like Herc should know that. Because, out of all of them, Newton would have understood it the best if Herc had decided to peace out on all this mess.

          “Thanks,” Herc sounded a little more genuine this time and less confused, “I’m glad we’ve got you back.” He patted him on the back as he spoke and Newton smiled a little. He sat up straighter, leaned his shoulder against Herc’s because being close to people he knew and trusted still seemed the best way to feel grounded.

          “I’m sorry about Chu-“

          “Don’t. I…I appreciate it but.” Herc sounded tired more than anything as he cut Newton off. It wasn’t anger but there was a bitterness that made Newton pull away a little. That was maybe just a little too far into the weird emotional spaces for today. “Sorry, just…let’s not.” Newton nodded, heard the apology as Herc shifted his arm so Newton could sit a little closer like he’d done before in the room. Newton acted like he didn’t notice for a moment, gauged his own comfort before he leaned against him again, letting Herc rest his arm over the back of his chair as they settled in place.

          He didn’t know how long they sat and waited. Hermann had him closed out for the time being and the lapse of further conversation made time do that weird thing for him. It seemed to both stretch and compress until it had no real meaning. He wasn’t sure if it was happening less than when he’d first kind of risen from the mental dredges of his mind or not. Granted, he still spent his days locked in a room with no natural indicators of day or night or seasons. Just artificial lighting and a general sense of what time Hermann usually managed to come see him. What time food would be and when it was time to sleep.

          “I think they’re going to be coming to get us soon…” Newton took a deep breath as he felt a small tug in his mind. Hermann signaling that they were wrapping up; no real information on how things were going though there was a sense of tension that settled in on Newton’s shoulders. Herc shifted to look over his shoulder through the window and Newton did the same. The blinds were down but tilted open enough he could see them starting to stand.

          “You know no matter how this turns out that we’re going to make sure you’re safe, don’t you?” Newton nodded in response to Herc’s question though part of him wondered. He knew there were plans, that things were in place to get them out of there. But he knew those plans came at a cost; a cost to Hermann and likely to the others as well. Newton still wasn’t certain if he was really worth all that even if he definitely appreciated the fact they all seemed to think he was.

          The whole group didn’t file out of the room when the door opened. Mako stayed and so did Raleigh as higher-ranked members who would have some sort of say in the decision. Herc patted him on the shoulder one more time before he got up to join those two. Newton sighed and tried to give Hermann a smile as he sat down besides him in Herc’s place. He knew it fell a little flat but Hermann just took his hand as they waited once more.

 

          “Dr. Geiszler…I would like to say two things to you in regards to the decision we’ve made today. The first is; thank you. I was not a member of the council yet back during those last few years of the war and have only recently been voted in as Head Chair. I have never gotten to properly thank you for what you did for all of us back then. The second things I would like to say is; I’m sorry. I apologize that we had to go through this process to get to where we are. I am glad to find that, after seeing the evidence presented, that most of the members of this council have finally seen reason.”

          Hermann felt Newton shifted uncomfortably besides him as the woman spoke. Councilor Volkova was younger than both of them and a niece to the Kaidonovsky’s. She was one of the more reasonable members of the council; between her keen political acuity and her relations she had moved up quickly.

          Most of the eyes in the room were on Newton as she spoke, the various hologram-hued faces along with those that were physically present at the meeting. Hermann could feel his nerves running high due to the purpose of the meeting but also that focused attention. Things were going well though, at least seemed to be, and Hermann did his best to help ease that high-strung fear.  

          “With that reason comes the decision that you will not be pressed for information in regards to the Precursors or your time under their control. There will, at a point where you feel comfortable, need to be some form of debriefing but that can wait a while longer. You are temporarily being reinstated under the PPDC though with highly restrictive access. This is more so that we are able to help provide and oversee your recovery. Secretary General Mori has made a very reasonable request pertaining to that as the event that triggered what has occurred over the last decade took place while you were in the employ of the PPDC. You will also be allowed to move within the confines of the shatterdome with the stipulation that you are escorted for the time being.”   

           Newton was holding his hand so tightly under the table that it hurt a little but Hermann wasn’t going to make him ease up. In truth, he was probably gripping Newton’s just as tightly in return. It was a lot to take in and Newton had a soft frown on his face as he stared down at the table as if he wasn’t certain he was understanding it right. It was a lot to take in; Hermann was having to process it all carefully to make certain he wasn’t jumping into a sense of relief too soon. He heard Newton draw in a breath as he momentarily glanced around the room but he dropped his eyes quickly back to the table.  

          “I…thank you? I-is that all?”

          “Yes, Dr. Geiszler, it is. This is considered the final decision of the council. Chief Officer Choi and Dr. Gottlieb will be in charge of overseeing your rehabilitation.” Councilor Volkova gave a smile that reminded Hermann greatly of her aunt before she seemed to focus on the others which dragged the attention away from Newton. “We’ll hold another meeting to discuss some of the other items on the agenda later. For now, I think we are finished for the day.”

          The holograms blinked out of existence leaving them with just a single council member left in the room. Hermann’s eyes settled on his father for a moment and watched him gather his things. He didn’t know where he had landed on the issue when all things were said and done. He’d heard his assessment, his purposeful phrasing and reluctance to give any sort of positive conclusion. Hermann didn’t know what his vote had been in the privacy of that final discussion the council had had after he’d left the room.

          “Councilor, if you have a few more minutes. I would like a word.” Hermann waited until Lars had stood up to make his request. It was maybe a little petty but the small inconvenience wouldn’t go missed by his father. Lars gave him a steady look for a second before he moved to sit back down with a patient sigh. Mako caught Hermann’s eyes, raised an eyebrow in question but he waved her on. Both Marshals and Rangers Lambert and Pentecost followed them out of the room.

          Only Newton and Tendo both stayed sitting. Hermann had discussed it with Tendo during their break for the council to come to their decision that he felt Newton might benefit from getting a chance to talk to Lars on his own terms. Lars seemed less comfortable with this arrangement as he clearly had expected it to be a private meeting.

          “I can imagine what this is about but I still stand by the fact that having a discussion with Dr. Geiszler was-“

          “Fuck you, Lars.” Hermann sat back as Newton blurted the words out. Lars looked annoyed as he was cut off by him. There was perhaps even a bit of a hint of nervousness in the look that Hermann found both insulting and still somehow satisfying. He slipped his hands from Newton’s hold and let it rest on his knee instead. “You know, I was willing to fucking talk to you, but I told you. I told you that I couldn’t just go poking around for information. _Hermann_ had told you that even before you wanted to talk; I know he did.” Newton pointed at his temple as if to make his point and Lars shook his head as he shifted to stand and leave.

          “Sit down, Councilor. I think the least you can do is hear him out given he didn’t appear to have much choice to listen to you this morning.” Tendo said the words with a smile despite the edge in his voice. Lars narrowed his eyes at them all but when he met Hermann’s gaze he gave a resigned sort of sigh as he sat back in his chair.

          “My intent wasn’t to put you at risk; my intent was to ascertain if our current plan is a needless risk to others.”

          “Oh, yeah, no you said that. What was it again? It’d be on my hands? You think I don’t know? You think I don’t…” Newton held his hands out towards Lars as if they both could see the damage they had been used to inflict. Hermann could feel that sense of emotion overwhelming Newton as his words stalled out and leaned close to him.

          “None of that is on you, Newton. Remember that…” Hermann said the words quietly, let Lars stew in his own discomfort as he tried to ease the turmoil inside of Newton. It was all emotion, Newton’s own emotions running high with no sign of that strange static that came with the Precursor’s presence.

          “I know, I know.”

          “Is this perhaps not the best situation for this discussion? If another incident-“

          “Oh, don’t you fucking worry Lars. If I throw something at you it will be completely of my own _intention_.” Newton bit the words out bitterly as he sat up a little straighter; fished around for Hermann’s hand so he could grip it tightly to keep some of his erratic gesturing restricted. A goal Hermann knew would fail but he simply let it be. “And, like, what the fuck was up with insinuating that I was only close to Hermann for some ulterior motive? Don’t think I missed that, by the way, or the fact that you weren’t really just talking about _their_ possible motives for it. I know love seems to be a foreign fucking concept for you, Lars, but god…”

          Newton jerked his arm along with his gestures but Hermann just sat and let him. Some of his steam seemed to be running out as Newton trailed of with a shake of his head. He glanced at Hermann; appeared momentarily shy as if he just realized he’d admitted something they both hadn’t already known. _I love you too._ Hermann pressed the words; that overflowing sense of it towards Newton through their connection. Newton saw the tug of a smile on Newton’s lips though it was fleeting as Lars spoke up once more.

          “Forgive me for being concerned for my son’s wellbeing-“

          “No. No, I don’t forgive you for anything. I might if I thought it was an actual genuine concern for Hermann and not some weird control thing but I don’t believe that and neither does Hermann. Sorry,” Newton paused to give him a contrite look, “I shouldn’t speak for you, Hermann. _I_ don’t believe that and so I don’t forgive you cause I think you’re an ass. I always thought you were an ass. And you have done nothing to make you believe you aren’t still an ass.”

          “I beg your pardon, I will not-“

          “Oh, please Lars, do fucking beg my pardon.”

          Hermann glanced towards Tendo who had given a familiar cough that meant he was trying to hide his amusement. He got a wide-eyed look from his friend as if stating he was the one who had decided to do this. That was accurate, Hermann had been the one to decide to let Newton vent his frustrations at Lars given he’d been the recent source. It was likely the only chance Newton would ever have to speak his mind to Lars though. Hermann had no intention of keeping in contact with his father after this.

          “If the entire purpose of this was to make jabs at me then I think we are rather done here.”

          “I don’t know, by the way.” Newton sounded frustrated and maybe a little wounded. Hermann felt a sense of melancholy mix with that dying anger as he continued. “I can’t answer your question. I don’t know what they have planned. I don’t think I knew their full plan in the first place.” Newton spoke tentatively; caution in his tone as if afraid even saying this much would bring the Precursor’s attention back around to him.

          “Then my assessment was correct.” Hermann narrowed his eyes at Lars for the comment; as if his assessment was the entire reason the council had changed its mind. Lars met his glare, held it for a moment, before giving a sigh as he dropped his gaze. “Despite the impression I know both of you have; all I’ve wanted was the best for my son. It has been clear for a while now that what I believe is the best does not align with what Hermann feels is the best. In regards to this mess pertaining to the Precursors the issue is closed. The council has made their decision. I believe we’re done here. I have to go prepare for the trip home now that this is all finished.”

          “Yeah, you do that.” Newton huffed as he spoke seeming to now just be trying to get the last word in. Lars gave him a long stare before he grabbed his notebook that he carried with him towards the door. Hermann saw him linger for a moment; knew there was something else he wanted to say but was hesitating to.

          “You might want to get a move on it, Councilor. I believe the next helicopter out of here is in just a few hours. Might as well get home as soon as possible.” Tendo leaned back in his chair as he lifted his feet up on the table. It effectively made a sort of block between Lars and them; a sign that any further conversation was unwelcome. Lars shook his head and stepped out of the room to leave the three of them be. “Well, I think that went beautifully.” Newton gave a soft snort of laughter that spread between the three of them as the relief settled in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being a long chapter but I didn't want to split up the events of the day as they seemed better placed together as segments of a whole. Lars' conversation with Newton was always intended as his chance to prove he could hold the Precursors at bar on his own. Newton's conversation with Lars after the meeting with the council was thanks to Sarah1281 who helped me realize that Newton deserved a chance to kind of voice his own irritation with Lars' attitude.


	15. Honey, it's in the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton starts exploring the bounds of his new freedom within the walls of the Shatterdome. He makes a special request to see one thing he hasn't really gotten to see for years; the stars.   
> Hermann fields a question from Liwen as they head into a small reprieve from their work as the crews are put on hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like its been fifty years and I apologize for it taking so long. 
> 
> Chapter title is from "Here to Mars" by Coheed and Cambria

          Newton was discovering where and when he was really free to go in the Shatterdome through careful exploration. There had been areas that were strictly off limits to him still, of course, like the lab, jaeger bay and LOCCENT. Anywhere that may contain information on what everyone was working on. He didn't really want to go in these areas anyway, well, part of him wouldn't mind going to the old lab. To see a space familiar and filled with memories of a happier time despite it also having been during wartime. Hermann had adamantly told him that was not allowed when he suggested it though. Newton got the impression he didn't want to know why it was so off limits and was doing his best to let it drop. 

          The other areas that hadn't been spelled out clearly for him but were definitely off limits were: the mess hall anywhere near a meal time, the main hall anywhere near the beginning or end of the day when those who didn't live strictly in the Shatterdome came in and out, anywhere near the training or cadet quarters and Hermann's office. That last one was an oversight as he'd gone to see him, which hadn't been forbidden beforehand, but Raleigh had ended up putting the kebash on when he’d suggested it. Newton had understood that too because, really, of course Hermann's office would be off limits for the same reason the lab space was. Delicate information.

          The restricted spaces for the most part didn’t bug him especially given it was still a step up from one room twenty-four seven. There was one thing that was starting to frustrate and distress him with the new freedom though.

          Newton had almost immediately started observing the off-putting phenomena of people acting like he wasn't there. Or wasn't a person. Sure, plenty of people stared, which had already sent him into a mild panic twice now. Sure, some people muttered things that weren't entirely pleasant but that he kind of felt he deserved as he passed. But it was the ones that seemed to be trying to be  _nice_  that actually got on his nerves. Ones like the J-tech who had just stopped Tendo and him on their way up towards the helipad; a place Newton had requested to go and Tendo had pulled strings to make sure no incoming or outgoing helicopters were expected. 

          "Supervisory Officer, I was hoping to ask permission to speak with Dr. Geiszler." Newton had felt that spark immediately because, hello, he was right fucking there. And his understanding from the numerous responses he'd heard given to this from Hermann, Mako, Raleigh and Herc over the last two days gave him the clear impression that it had already been announced that people could talk with him. They just couldn't talk with him about specific things.

          But every single person who had approached to offer some supportive words or questions on how he was feeling or even one J-tech who felt the need to state how he  _understood_  how it must have been for him; every single one of them had stopped, ignored he was there and asked whoever he was accompanied by if they would give them permission to speak. And undoubtedly the moment any of them indicated it was alright they'd say their peace without asking if Newton even wanted to hear it. 

          “I don’t know, you’d have to ask him, tech.” Tendo shrugged his shoulders as he answered. It seemed as if that answer was one that completely threw the tech off because he floundered for a second as he glanced between the two of them. Tendo looked at him expectantly though; stood and held his ground as he waited with his natural friendly smile.

          “Oh…um, Dr. Geiszler, would I be able to have a word?”

          “Is it gonna be quick cause we’re trying to make the sunset here?” Newton didn’t really think how that response might come off. The J-tech looked a little taken back but Tendo just threw his arm over Newton’s shoulders as he pulled him close.

          “It is, actually, pretty important we make it topside in time for that.”

          “Ah, I see. I just, um, wanted to say that I’m glad the council made the decision they did. My older brother was a tech back then; used to talk a lot about how the breach wouldn’t have been closed without you and Dr. Gottlieb. Never would have made sense that you would have just willingly undone all of that.” Well, now Newton felt a bit like a jerk. Like, this guy actually seemed like he was just trying to be nice and supportive without being comparative.

          “Thank you. Um, I actually appreciate that. And, ah ha, we are legit trying to make a sunset right now cause, like, first one in a long while but like…cool?” Newton made finger guns as he tried to recover some. Wondered then just when he had started using _finger guns_ and realized that had definitely been an always sort of thing. He just didn’t remember feeling so awkward when doing so before. The tech looked confused but slowly nodded his head.

          “Cool. I won’t keep you from your sunset.” Tendo was already maneuvering them past as the tech responded. He didn’t sound upset? Maybe confused? He gave Newton a smile as they ducked past which seemed to indicate he hadn’t rapidly changed his mind after Newt had been fifty shades of awkward.

          “I’m not certain I’m ready for human consumption yet.” Newton gave a soft groan once they had left the tech far enough behind and wasn’t likely to hear. Tendo gave a soft laugh, hugged him close as they continued down the hall.

          “You did just fine, brother. Honest.” Newton gave Tendo a skeptical look but he didn’t question any further than that. Not when they had just reached the elevator up to the helipad. He felt nervous and excited. He felt a little bit like he could vomit. He’d been taking steps. First, he’d gotten his head back; then a room of his own; then the shatterdome halls. He didn’t want to wait another week before taking another one. He wanted to see the sky.

 

          The evening air was a shock at first when Newton stepped outside and onto the helipad. He sucked in a breath almost feeling like he’d been sucker punched by it; the air stinging his lungs that had become used to recycled air. Stale air in the clean environment of Shao’s laboratories, recycled air in the apartment, recycled air within the shatterdome walls. It was like fresh air had become a rare commodity and his lungs had to readjust.

          Part of him regretted that he hadn’t asked Hermann to bring him up here for the first time. That he’d waited until Hermann had gotten called off to do something to ask Tendo to bring him along. He had done it for a reason; he had planned it so that Hermann would be preoccupied and closed off to him mentally to ensure there were no feedback loops of feelings or sensations. Just his own emotions rushing through him.

          Because this felt like a lot with just him in his head. Especially with the colors peppering the sky; brilliants oranges and red. A lingering hint of blue before it faded off into the first true hints of what would become a night sky. Newton shrunk back a little and bumped into Tendo who was hovering close behind him.

          Oh…oh it was big. It was _beautiful_ but it was big. And Newton was utterly on his own in a way that left him feeling bare. Even that static that had lingered in the previous days had receded since that morning with Lars as if they’d realized they had lost their hold over him. He had to take a deep breath, maybe a couple, as he took it in. He felt ridiculous because it was _just_ the helipad but it was also a whole lot more than that.

          It was color and oxygen, salt air and gusts of wind. It was muted feelings suddenly having their volume turned up to max. It was big and open and endless above. And though he couldn’t see it, not really from where he stood close to the door, he knew the ocean was below; deep and churning and full of life. God, he hoped it was still full of life. He had no concept of how the impact on ocean life had progressed over the years.

          “You okay, brother?” Newton blinked as Tendo spoke, close and concerned, with an arm draped back over his shoulders. He realized he had tears in his eyes, vision blurred as they spilled down his cheeks. He hadn’t even realized he’d started crying; still felt a sort of overwhelming awe as he nodded his head and tried to pull himself back together from the scattered mess of atoms he’d become. He was a gas expanding to try and fill the volume he was contained in. Only that container had just burst and he’d scattered back into the world.

          “Yeah…yeah, I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s just a little…” Newton found his words though just barely. He squeezed his eyes closed for a few seconds before making himself move a little further out towards the center of the helipad. He felt Tendo move with him; could feel the warmth of his arm still around his shoulders as he kept his eyes closed. If he could keep some of that overwhelming feeling at bay just long enough to get to where he could see it all better. And then maybe he could sit and take it in without feeling like he was going to float off into the vastness of it.

          He cracked an eye open to see how far they were and found they’d about reached the middle. He stopped there, carefully shifted himself down to sit on the cold concrete and crossed his legs as he finally opened his eyes. Tendo lowered himself down close beside him as they both faced off towards the horizon.

          “Sorry, I think it might be a bit before things stop feeling…huge. Like, literally space wise huge. And huge in a sort of metaphorical way too. Just…really big, ya know. Sorry.” His words spilled out; clumsy and awkward as his mind reeled.

          “You don’t need to apologize for anything, Newt. If it gets to feel like too much, we can head in but otherwise we’re able to sit however long you want. No planned arrivals for tonight.” Tendo reached over to ruffle his hair before he stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back. Newton leaned against his side lightly; just enough that he could feel his presence there to keep him anchored as he looked out towards the horizon.

          “Thanks…” The horizon seemed to stretch infinitely far and the colors were vibrant swirls that reminded him of his own skin. It felt like a black and white movie had suddenly turned to color. Like he’d been taken out of Kansas or like he’d gone through his personal transformation that made it so he could see the colors of the world. “They never cared about this, you know. The sky, the stars…things you don’t think about all the time until suddenly you can’t do anything but think about them. I’d get bits of pieces like a movie playing in another room but not once did I catch them just stopping to look up.”

          “Can’t say that surprises me. They didn’t strike me as the stop of smell the flowers type.”

          Newton made a noise of agreement, kept his eyes on the spectacle in front of him to try and let it sear through him. He took another deep breath; smelled the ocean salt in the air that brought back memories of days at the beach. That last day on the beach before there hadn’t been anymore. The day he’d managed to cling to even in the dark; hold onto tightly to drag them both out of the depths.

          The colors were started to fade further down, closer to the horizon, as the sun dipped further and further. Newton wondered if he watched close enough if he’d manage to spot the green flash of refracted light in the atmosphere as the sun disappeared at last. He fidgeted with the cuffs of his sweatshirt, pulling his hands inside the sleeves as he focused and watched the disc of the sun slide from view. He held his breath as he watched as the sun slipped away and caught the secondary hint of green along the edge. No distinct flash like he was hoping but still that second of color shift.

          Newton let himself fall back then; lying down as the shades of purple faded into black above. He caught Tendo watching him once he was settled and gave him a smile. He could feel the remains of the dried tear tracks down his cheeks and took a second to scrub at his face as the cold concrete pressed against his back.

          When he looked up again Tendo had laid down next to him and the sky and edge of the building were the only things in view. It was peaceful lying there as the stars came out slowly and sudden all at once. It was the first time that he could believe he wasn’t going to just be switching prisons. The first time he felt grounded in the fact that he was being given a chance to gather up the pieces a little.

          He still wasn’t certain he deserved it; wasn’t sure how to handle it. Ten years was a lot to unpack and there were still things…things he knew he wasn’t going to be able to avoid or ignore.

          Right at this moment though? Right then all he wanted was to appreciate this. Fresh air and a night sky. Planets, stars and nebula shining out across the universe. Untouched places that still managed to shine their light. Newton wished he could see them properly; that the light pollution of the city around them and the shatterdome itself weren’t muting them out. Maybe slow was better though; maybe not being able to see their true depths this first time was better. Because there was so much out there; so many pinpricks of light that reached them in the dark.

          “Do you know how much is out there?” He spoke quietly as he tucked his hands under the back of his head to try and cushion it some.

          “No…do you?” Newton blinked and tilted his head to look at Tendo when he heard the slight hesitant curiosity in his voice. Tendo raised his eyebrows questioningly when he met his eyes.

          “Kind of? Not really in a way I can explain, like…I couldn’t tell you specifics. But it’s not just us and them. They knew that because…well, we aren’t a special case. But…but, a-a-aside from that there’s just so much. Planets and moons and places.” Newton pursed his lips as he tried to reel in that expansive feel; like he could feel the expansion of the universe as it happened. Like he was compressing back down; smaller within in. He closed his eyes again, blotted it out for a second as the webs of anxiety passed over him.

          “You okay?” There was concern and Tendo sounded closer. Newton couldn’t open his eyes just then though because he maybe shouldn’t have jumped immediately into the contemplation of the ever-expanding universe full of things he couldn’t honestly imagine even with what little hints of knowledge he may have been able to retain. Maybe he should have stayed content with the light pollution-drowned sky. “Newt?”

          “It’s fine…just big. Really big.” Newton forced himself to open his eyes and breath in deeply. Tendo was resting on his elbow looking down at him with concern and Newton tried to figure out how to explain that this was okay. That he was okay. That it was a good kind of overwhelming existential crisis. “There’s so much and they never looked up. I get to look up.” His vision blurred again and Newton made a frustrated noise as he wiped at the tears on his lashes.

          “Come here.” Tendo moved to tugged Newton a little closer, let him tuck against his side and rest his head on his shoulder as they settled back. Newton looked up and let himself feel small and infinite.

 

          The J-tech crews had been grateful for the small reprieve in the break neck speed they'd been working to get everything completed and finalized for the attempt on the breach. They had reached out to some of the retired Jaeger pilots to see if any were willing to return; to aid in one last mission. For the first time since this whole mess had started the jaeger bay was quiet and still.

          Even Hermann felt he could take a bit of time to breath now that the day had wrapped up. The lead bomb was as prepared as it could be until the moment they needed it armed. They had finalized the build of the device that would, hopefully, open the breach. And so, Hermann took that much needed deep breath as he leaned against the railing looking down over the mostly repaired jaegers and the single drone that Liwen had brought to modify for their purposes.

          He was there because of her. She had asked to speak with him earlier in the day and agreed to meet once he had completed some of his own work. He took the opportunity as he waited for her to peel one of the tangerines he'd made frequent midday snacks of. During the war he'd resorted to carrots as oranges were a luxury not easily come across at the time. He had taken full advantage of the availability of citrus during recent years as orchards were revitalized.

           Hermann heard the crisp fall of her footsteps on the metal of the walkway as he managed to slip the peel off in one piece. He tucked it away in his pocket, made a mental note that he’d need to toss it later. He had forgotten hidden peels a couple of times and they were unwelcome discoveries. He looked up as she came into view to stand in front of him.  

          "Ms. Shao." She hadn't questioned him again since that first time. Hadn't questioned whether he was trustworthy or being biased due to Newton's situation. He had caught her, in moments, observing him closely. Scrutinizing even as she had made some allusions to being willing to help Newton’s case if needed before Lars had arrived.

          "Dr. Gottlieb. I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. I know you are very busy." Hermann offered her a slice of his tangerine and she frowned for a second before gingerly taking it. "Thank you." She ate the slice as she leaned against the railing besides him. Liwen seemed out of her element here, at least with him, were it was a less formal meeting. They weren't surrounded by their work which had been their common meeting ground. Their other common ground was a sensitive place to tread for largely different reasons.

          "I assume you had something you wished to discuss?" 

          "Yes, I had a request to make. One that I sense you are best to approve given your adjacent nature to the subject." Hermann pursed his lips as he fought and failed to withhold a sigh. It wasn't particularly surprising that this was what she wanted to discuss. The news that Newton had been cleared by the council had traveled quickly through the shatterdome.

          It would have been difficult for it not to given the fact that he'd been slowly feeling his way through the expanded freedom he'd been handed. There had been a plethora of mixed reactions but so far no one had stepped out of line, thankfully. That didn’t mean there hadn’t been issues including, but not limited to, what he suspected Liwen’s request was.

          "You have not struck me as someone who feels the need to tenderly step around a subject, Ms. Shao. What is your request in regards to Dr. Geiszler?" She gave him a prim look though she didn't deny the assumption.

          "I would like to speak with him. I'm certain you can understand that I have some questions given his employment in my company over the last decade." Hermann popped another slice of the tangerine in his mouth as he listened. He could hear the anger in her voice even though she was doing an admirable job coating it with professionalism. Hermann was well trained to hear the hidden anger in others, however, and for him it rang clear as day in her tone. 

          It was something he couldn't truly fault her for it, not really, despite his responding irritation. He was well aware of what had been lost both on a personal level as well as on a grand scale. Shao Industries likely wouldn't be able to truly recover; there was no smoothing over the fact that her drones were seen turning and raging battle against them. People all over the world had been witness to that.

          That wasn't even touching on the fact that she had lost people. And felt responsible for all those who had been lost as well. The anger and hurt were justified. What Hermann couldn't stand for was that anger being placed on Newton's shoulders.

          Newton, who Hermann knew was still struggling to fully grasp all of the details of what had happened on a smaller more personal scale. Newton, who was starting to heal small pieces of himself while only being vaguely aware of how horribly everything had gone at the end. 

          "Dr. Gottlieb; I do not find it to be unreasonable that I ask for clearance to speak with Dr. Geiszler-" Hermann had clearly taken too long to respond in her opinion and he heaved an impatient breath of his own as he looked up at her.

          "It is not my place to give permission for you to speak with him at this point of time. However, if you'd like, I will ask Dr. Geiszler if he wishes to speak to you.” Hermann offered her the last slice of the tangerine but she shook her head in gentle refusal.

          He had fielded questions like this for the past two days. Had been repeatedly asked by well-intending techs, medics and officers if  _he_  was okay if they broached conversation with Dr. Geiszler. He greatly appreciated some of their eagerness, grew frustrated with other's curiosity but the thing the grated on him was very few of them expressed any interest in whether  _Newton_  desired or approved of the interactions.

          He knew some of his own exasperation at this was a reflection of Newton’s; he hadn’t been a patient person before everything happened. Some of that quick irritation seemed to be returning with each person who treated him as if he had no personal agency.

          “I appreciate you expressing my interest and hope that he will be open to meeting. I only wish to understand.” Liwen gave him a slight incline of her head to indicate the end of the conversation before she moved to step around him.

          "You could have asked him yourself, you know. I know you are aware that he has been out in the public spaces of the dome. There are no clearances to speak  _with_  him as long as you are aware of the topics that are off limits. I believe the Secretary General made that clear." She paused besides him as he spoke and Hermann looked up at her to give her a pointed look.

          "To be honest, I worried that my approach without any forewarning would potentially catch him off guard."

          "Is worried the word?" She had it in her to look offended and Hermann felt a small bit contrite for the harsh tone. Hoped he hadn’t judged her too harshly while still feeling suspect in regards to her intention with Newton. "Ms. Shao."

          Hermann gathered his cane from where it had been leaning against the rail as he slipped the last piece of citrus fruit in his mouth. He nodded as he turned to leave; as he chose to be the one who exited the conversation instead of her. He was tired and was ready to go find where Newton was at the current moment. He hoped, perhaps, with his work’s current suspended state that they would have a bit more time to spend together.

         

          Newton hadn’t realized he’d drifted off until he was waking up with his shoulder a bit sore. He stayed still as he became aware of his surroundings; concrete still beneath him though something soft, warm and encompassing had been draped over him at some point. Faux fur tickled against his cheek as someone’s fingers gently toyed with his hair. He realized that his head was resting on that same person’s lap when they shifted carefully. _Hermann._

“Have you talked with any of your brothers or sister since he left?” Tendo’s voice was quiet as he whispered from nearby and Newton debated opening his eyes. Despite the concrete and the ache in his arm he felt comfortable. And safe. The circular motions Hermann was making as he pressed fingertips gently over his scalp sent his nerve endings zipping.

          “No. Dietrich tried to call but I haven’t called him back yet. I can’t imagine he’s gotten any of them to speak with him.” Hermann’s fingers stilled for a second and Newton felt that acknowledgement in the back of his mind; a sign that Hermann knew he was awake. “I will admit I’ve been somewhat avoiding those phone calls.”

          “You should talk to them, brother. They care about you and what’s been going on.” He heard Hermann’s sigh and could feel that sense of discomfort. Newton hoped that whatever had caused him to be uncertain about talking with his siblings didn’t have anything to do with him. He knew it did though. It would almost have to, at least by proxy, if Lars’ departure had triggered a phone call from Hermann’s older brother.

          “I will. I just…need to figure out what all to tell them given I don’t quite know what they already know. If you’re awake we should probably head inside?” Newton sighed as Hermann directed the last bit to him. He could tell that Hermann wasn’t nearly as comfortable as he was though. And, if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t exactly comfortable either but this was still nice.

          “How long was I out?” He mumbled the words as he tugged the coat a little tighter around him and shifted to sit up. He tugged it so that it wrapped around him properly, overly large and warm just as he remembered it. Maybe a little extra space compared to before. Tendo gave him a smile that was interrupted by a yawn he tried to hide behind his hand before glancing at the time.

          “Only about thirty minutes. You drifted off a little while after the sunset.” Tendo moved to stand up before offering his hand to Newton to help pull him up. Newt made sure he kept the jacket in place around him and then they both turned to help Hermann up. He scoffed at them but still took their offered hands to pull him off the concrete. Hermann didn’t let his hand go even once he was standing and Tendo had handed him his cane.

          Newton glanced up one more time. The moon had managed to make its way high enough it was visible over the top of the shatterdome now. It was a half moon; Newton had no idea if it was building towards a full moon or just now tapering off of one. Hermann and Tendo started walking to head in and Newton let himself get pulled along as his eyes stayed skyward. Tried to take it in a little longer before they’d be back inside the halls to quickly return to the confines of his room.

          “You two could stay a little longer?  

          “Hm?” Newton blinked and looked down at the sound of Tendo’s voice. He had gotten ahead of them because of Newton’s lagging behind and was standing by the door. Hermann was close, their hands still linked and Newton could feel him echo the question in the back of his mind. “Oh…I mean, could we? Just a little bit?”

          “Of course, if you’d like. We’ll need to check in soon but we could still spare a few more minutes.” Newton hadn’t realized they needed to check in by a certain time. He hadn’t been out and about this long in one go yet either, much less been out this late into the evening. He could live with having a curfew, could understand it even if it was a bit of a disappointment.

          “I can let them know you’ll be down in a little bit. That way you two don’t need to rush,” Tendo offered as he leaned against the door frame. He was silhouetted there and Newton couldn’t make out his expression. The coy hint in his voice was a familiar one from back during the war; a call back to memories that were still fresh and recent in his mind.

          “Thank you, Tendo.” Hermann answered, turning for a moment to give Tendo a wave goodbye. Newton took that moment to study him in the light that spilled out from inside. It illuminated half of his face much like the moon and Newt could tell that he was tired. He’d been tired but Newton didn’t know how to acknowledge it especially since a lot of that fatigue was because of him. So many things were because of him.

          Newton looked up when Hermann turned back towards him. Lifting his eyes upwards feeling shy about getting caught staring. Hermann stepped a little closer and Newton stilled as they both looked up at the night sky. The moon drowned out a few more stars in its light but there were still a decent number visible. He could hear Hermann breathing, noticed the small shiver that ran through him as they stood close.

          “Are you cold?” Newton frowned as he looked down at the jacket he was wearing. Dark green with that fur-rimmed hood pooled around his shoulders. He moved to slip it off so he could offer it back to Hermann.

          “I’m just fine, Newton.” Hermann let go of his hand at last to try and keep him from pulling the jacket off. He tugged it snugly back around Newton who huffed. He could tell Hermann was cold, just like he could tell he was tired. That wall that had been between them constantly throughout the day was down now and what Newton could tell with the weariness that weighed on Hermann’s mind that he wasn’t taking care of himself.

          Newton huffed as he tugged the jacket open but not off as he stepped closer to Hermann. He hugged the jacket around Hermann who gave protest to it as he did. Newton also let himself indulge a little even though he felt a bit guilty in doing so. He buried his face against Hermann’s chest, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There were so many reasons he didn’t deserve that moment; warm with the sound of Hermann’s breathing surrounding him and the familiar scent of his sweater vest close and still somehow filled with chalk dust.

          “You do realize that defeats the point of having stayed out here given you can’t even see the stars?” Hermann’s voice seemed to encompass him and Newton just held a little tighter. It was a selfish moment and he could feel that echoing, bounding sense of emotions between them. He could feel that fondness, guilt, amusement, longing and contentment. Had some difficultly telling where his share of those emotions ended and Hermann’s began.

          Newt felt Hermann’s arms settle around him and hold him. Felt the ghost of Hermann’s lips press against the top of his head and linger. Some of that fatigue settled back over everything like a blanket. Hermann’s hold on him loosened a bit and he felt him pull back. Newton did his best to compose his face and thoughts so it wasn’t completely obvious how disappointed he was as he stepped away.

          “Give me that.” Hermann tugged at the jacket gently; stopping Newton from stepping too far away. Newton frowned but did as he was told. He slipped the jacket off and handed it to Hermann. He took Hermann’s cane for him, watched as he slid the jacket on. The air was cool, perhaps not quite cold enough it justified the parka, but definitely cold enough that Newton could feel the chill of it creep up his spine.

          Newton offered the cane back once Hermann seemed to get it situated. Hermann took it but then gingerly touched Newton’s arm as well. There was the indication that Newton should step back in closer to him and he went with it. Hermann wrapped the coat around him as he slipped his arms around Hermann’s waist. The jacket seemed to completely cocooned him against Hermann now.

          “Turn around, liebling.” That word triggered another swirl of emotion between them. Newton couldn’t actually remember the last time Hermann had called him that. Couldn’t pinpoint it at least. Darling, yes. But liebling, despite having the same meaning, carried an extra weight to it and memories of quiet moments together. He pulled back just enough to peek up at Hermann.

          “I love you.” He said it quietly, felt the sense of dread that Hermann might not say it back. It was ridiculous, the words and sentiment had passed between them mentally on several occasions. They had said it to each other during those first days as he tried to fight free or have that final mental collapse at last. That had been the last time he’d spoken it; specifically said _it_ out loud.

          “I love you too, Newton.” Hermann responded in that same tone almost like they were admitting it for the first time. Were they? Did this count as a first time after everything? Those questions felt too confusing and big in the unnerving way. If ten years pass but you’re not entirely consciously aware for them does that reset the ‘firsts’ in your sort of relationship? They were things to figure out but for now he just wanted to enjoy having Hermann and the stars in one place.

          He shifted awkwardly in Hermann’s hold, turned around and leaned back against his chest as the coat kept them encompassed in shared warmth. Hermann rested his chin gently against the top of his head and Newton looked up.


	16. If you Dig under My feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton agrees to meet with Liwen and seeks some form of judgement from her in regards to the memory of a time he feels he should have tried harder. Hermann suggest they seek out more professional help for Newton to work through his feelings in regards to what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is from "Terrible Things" by April Smith and The Great Picture Show

          “Are you certain about this?” Newton resisted the urge to roll his eyes but only because he could tell how worried Hermann was. They were sitting and eating a late breakfast in his room. Newton hadn’t been sure he felt up to going and sitting under the gaze of all those people in the mess hall. He had a suspicion that it was in part a reflection of how Hermann was feeling. He’d been a bit sluggish all morning and had slept in later than seemed normal for him. The best judge Newton had for normal at least.

          “Yeah, of course I am. I’m going to need to talk to her at some point and if she wants to talk then…let’s talk.” Newton spoke around a bite of food feeling happy he’d made that choice to eat here now. Hermann had been focused on something since he’d come down to his room but he’d been hiding it from Newton until a few moments ago. He had finally come out with it after a bit of determined prodding on his part.

          Liwen wanted to talk. To him. Which, Newton wasn’t entirely certain how he felt about it. Still, he knew that it wouldn’t feel right to deny the request either given how he’d directly affected everything for her. She was an abstract to him. Someone he felt he knew but only in a hazy third-party sort of way that was strongly colored by the perceptions left behind by the Precursor’s in his memory.

          There were also the memories. Those that pertained to her directly; their wish that she’d maybe been killed in the attack by the rogue jaeger that had almost killed Mako as well. A clear sense that she was annoyed by him more than anything though that, again, would have been more annoyance at the Precursors. Lies that had been spoken, an act, years in the making built up with flashy suits and fumbled Mandarin.

          _Someone who had gotten too close. Trusted the wrong person. Violence. Blood. Stitching yourself up at four in the morning._ Newton swallowed down his food roughly at the sudden flash of pieced together memories. Bits left over that still weren’t entirely whole but he knew well enough what they were. He coughed as he felt the food go down wrong, felt it cluster in his esophagus so that it dragged down long and painful through his chest.

          “Are you alright?” Newton pounded on his chest to get the food to go down and nodded in response. Hermann was watching him closely with concern as he tried to shove the memory down with the lump of eggs.

_A needle through torn skin._

_Vodka, sterile and stinging as it slid down his throat._

          “Newton?” He finally got the food down but there was still a painful fist beneath his ribs that had settled somewhere around his heart. Guilt. That’s what that was settling in. Guilt he’d been doing his best to ignore because it wasn’t supposed to be his and yet it was. _Helicopter pilots, rangers and a coder too smart for his own good…_ Newton stared down at his plate for a few moments even as Hermann scooted closer. “Perhaps it would be better….”

          “No, I want to talk with her.” _Can’t be free until you admit it all._

          “You do remember, Newt, that you weren’t the one…” Newton finally sat up a bit straighter as he heard the tone in Hermann’s voice. Absolution that he was willing to give but that Newton wasn’t certain he deserved. He loved Hermann but he wasn’t exactly an impartial judge on that sort of thing. Liwen might be. Perhaps if she could find him innocent of a half-remembered atrocity…

          “I know.” He pushed the words out to Hermann’s uncompleted reminder. Did he? He had been able to feel that way about some of the grander scheme, the over all build of it all. The attack, the drones. Those he’d fought against over the years, tried to slip warning through. Messages in bottles that never reached shore. Bottles emptied in a bare apartment that was cold and unfamiliar and utterly his. “I know.”

          Could he really convince himself that those smaller pieces weren’t on him? A helicopter pilot, a cadet turned ranger, someone who had tried to do the right thing and paid the price long before the rest of the world woke to the nightmare.

          “If you choose to do this, I will help fight any consequence that might result.” Hermann spoke quietly and Newton could hear how tired he was in that moment. It was another little piece of guilt for him though that one was completely his own. Hermann had been fighting for him ever since the shoe had dropped back in Shao’s labs. He’d been Newton’s champion this entire time.

He tried to swallow that one down too but it stayed stuck. The guilt choking him and building up in his chest. All the relief of the night before felt like a stolen second now as his lungs wanted to rebel against him. Pressed against his ribs with an ache. He needed it out and he wasn’t certain Hermann understood that. Newton couldn’t keep swallowing it down and expect it to disappear. It wouldn’t just disappear from existence; it would keep making itself known below the surface at random to haunt him with fragmented memories.

          “Let her know I’d like to talk.”

          “Very well. I’ll have Tendo set us up in one of the conference rooms for later on today so we can have some privacy.”

 

 

          Liwen sat down at the table in the small conference room with pursed lips. After the briefing she’d received just to get to this point she was starting to wonder just what she was in store for. It had been laid out in an extremely thorough manner that she was not to ask questions that probed into the Precursor’s plans whether in the past or present. That she was expected to be on her _best behavior_. She smoothed her skirt as she sat and waited; balled her fists momentarily in her lap as she kept her anger under control.

          Because she was still angry. Her work, her drones had been used to do the exact opposite of what they had been created to do. She had lost people; the world had lost people. Thousands was the last count, the cities that the kaiju moved through on their route to Mount Fuji hadn’t had time to evacuate. Shelters that were supposed to have been maintained had been found to be defunct in the moment of need.

          She took a deep breath as she did her best to remind herself that that wasn’t Dr. Geiszler’s fault. Not according to the information she’d finally been filled in on that hadn’t been more than just rumor before now.

          Still, she couldn’t imagine that when he arrived that he wouldn’t still be that same person. She felt certain that she would recognize the brash, self-assured, irritating but brilliant person she’d known over the last ten years. Afterall, even before he’d come to work for her those had all been traits that she’d heard attributed to Dr. Geiszler. All of that and an extra layer of oil slick salesman on top of it. Fake charm plaster holding it all together.

          She heard the door open behind her and she sat patiently as Dr. Geiszler and Dr. Gottlieb filtered in. Liwen waited for them to sit with her fists held tight but her expression placid. Once it seemed like they were settled she looked up and felt the small frown form on her brow in a moment of confusion. The man who sat across from her resembled Dr. Geiszler but the started growth of beard and messy hair altered him just enough to throw her. The mannerisms had that same effect.

          The Dr. Newton Geiszler she had known hadn’t fidgeted. Hadn’t drummed fingers on the table top or definitely had never had evidence of nails and cuticles being chewed on. He had met her eyes without hesitation before and now it was as if looking at her hurt. He kept dropping his gaze away from her as he shrunk down in his chair. He caught her looking at him and tried for a smile but even this lacked that plastic charm.

          “Hi Liwe…I mean, Ms. Shao.” He gave her a small wave and she realized that she’d been staring this whole time. Liwen glanced towards Dr. Gottlieb for some sense of guidance but he offered her none. Instead, he shifted his hand to rest gently on top of Geiszler’s to help quiet some of that nervous tapping while also making his loyalties clear.

          “Hello, Dr. Geiszler. It is nice to see you.” She spoke with care, made certain she measured her tone as she tried to wrap her head around what she was being confronted with. She had been ready to be cold but collected; to ask her questions and nothing more. To keep her feelings held to her chest about the fall out of this man’s manipulated actions.

          Despite their current standstill she’d still been elbow deep in her work just a half hour ago; double checking that repairs on the jaegers had been completed and running through the coding for her drone. She had taken in upon herself to dig into the continued decrypting of the coded notes they had managed to find among Dr. Geiszler’s work as well.

          She had hoped to find answers in those notes but was coming up empty of them despite her work. So, she had decided that she’d get the answers from the man she had worked with for ten years. The problem now was that she was facing a man who seemed like an utter stranger. A doppelganger who she’d been warned about but hadn’t fully believed in. She was having to recalculate her approach now that Dr. Geiszler was sitting in front of her; in the flesh.

          “Really? I imagine it probably isn’t but it’s, ah, nice to see you too.” He gave a quiet laugh that didn’t seem to hold much humor behind it. Liwen watched him closely for some sign that this was an act. He still wouldn’t meet her eyes but he looked frequently at Dr. Gottlieb who continued to sit silent and patient at his side. It didn’t take her long to realize that they were likely having some sort of discussion through that connection of theirs. The ghost drift that she knew had been refreshed rather recently. “So, I, uh, guess you have questions or something?”

          “I do. If you don’t mind answering them. It is nothing in regards to the work specifically. I know that you are not able to answer those.” Liwen had seen Dr. Gottlieb’s expression shift and her reassurances were more for him than for Geiszler in that moment. Personal details appeared to be fine according to the briefing from Officer Choi. In truth, with that in mind, there was really only one question she truly wished to have answered.

          “Okay, cool, yeah…go no, shoot.” Liwen internally flinched at the phrasing; instinct thinking it was an intentional allusion to those seconds in the lab when she had interrupted Dr. Geiszler’s attempt…she paused her thoughts as she acknowledged the fact that she needed to truly start reframing things in her mind.

          She had interrupted the _Precursor’s_ attempt on Dr. Gottlieb’s life after initiating the protocol they’d hidden in her programming. During those moments she had been more than willing to shoot in the literal sense. There was no sense that Geiszler realized the correlation his words had brought up at first until he noticed the shift in both Dr. Gottleib’s and her own expression. He fidgeted again, bit at a thumbnail for a second as he gave a nervous laugh. “Um…sorry…go ahead. Ask away?”

          “During the course of your employment with Shao Industries; at what point did their control take over?” Liwen chose to press into the heart of it as she saw the expression that cross Dr. Gottlieb’s face; similar to the one she’d seen after she had questioned his state of mind weeks ago. There was something else though hidden in the careful attempted control of his emotions; something that she didn’t know him well enough to understand.

          Dr. Geiszler seemed almost to relax at her question as he sat a little straighter; looked a little more confident despite his eyes remaining strictly on the table. He picked lightly at his shirt sleeve as he took a few seconds to think with a concentrated frown.

          “Early on. I think before we ever met it was already…uh, too late on that front, I guess? I remember an interview; moments of it, at least, that I was aware for but they were doing all the talking. There were some moments in the lab because they needed to tap into my knowledge so I was working, in essence, but not necessarily controlling. There were times where they didn’t want to _deal_ with something whether it was emotional or messy or…”

          Liwen watched him closely as he spoke; part of her still searching to recognize something in him. His words were less organized, less intentional than before. He had been concise then, other than bragging, he hadn’t rambled or trailed off without completing a thought like he was doing now.

          Geiszler had sucked in a deep breath as if readying himself for something and he finally looked up at her. Liwen frowned as she saw the tears in his eyes; glanced towards Dr. Gottlieb for some guidance on what was occurring. The sudden shift had carried over into him too, however, and he stared off towards the wall with a practice expression of stoicism that was somewhat ruined by the hint of tears in his eyes as well. Something had happened between the two of them then; something in that fashion she wasn’t privy to.

          “I, um, I…need to ask something. Or confess something, I guess. So, I can’t quite…pin down the time frame but I think it was probably a few years ago from what I can kind of piece together but there was…I…”

          “They.” Dr. Gottlieb interrupted with a hint of that vehemence in his voice she’d heard when he reprimanded the techs. He didn’t look away from the point on the wall he had chosen to focus on. Didn’t look to her or to Dr. Geiszler though their hands linked together almost unconsciously.

          “ _They._ ” Geiszler emphasized the word as if reminding himself more than her. “They…one of the coders went missing? At some point one of them went missing, didn’t show or call and then just never showed up ever again?”

          Liwen sat back in her chair as she heard the earnestness in his voice. It was that and the expression of pained guilt on his face that made her take the time to really think. With everything else that had been in the forefront of her mind she had assumed his confession would be something more recent. The fact that a coder had left at some point unannounced didn’t seem like such a drastic event in the full scope of things. Unless…

          “I do recall we had an employee, one of our better coders, who left unexpectedly. If I recall correctly it was looked into at the time. We found that he had bought a plane ticket back home and that his lease had been paid out. It was assumed he had decided to leave; perhaps was disgruntled about something. I don’t believe it was ever confirmed.” Liwen could feel the dawning realization settling in to her chest. An employee choosing to return home because they were upset about hours or pay would not be a drastic event. Would not be something that could cause the bitter bark of laughter to drag itself out of Dr. Geiszler; sounding more like a sob.

          “I’m sorry. I was so far buried at that point I didn’t even realize…not until I was in the apartment suddenly back in control for the first time in…years? I think? Months at least.” He was breaking down now into great painful sounding sobs and Liwen found she was the one who could no longer meet his eyes.

          "I don't understand..." Even with the realization that something far more sinister had happened to one of her employees; Liwen didn't understand the weight this seemed to carry for him in light of everything that had come to pass. She wondered for the first time if Dr. Geiszler was even aware of how many had been killed in his...Liwen stopped herself for a second time; halted herself for a moment as she saw the devastation and for the first time truly attributed the attack, the manipulation of her drones and the loss of life that followed to those who were properly responsible. 

          Because it wasn’t the man in front of her; the man who was crumbling in front of her at the thought of one lost life. How would he have ever been capable of striking down thousands?

          "I killed-"

          "They, Newton. They are responsible." Dr. Gottlieb interrupted sternly and Geiszler gave a frustrated wail. 

          "I. They. Doesn't matter. My hands. My body. I could have paid better attention; I could have not been buried so far to not even realize.  _I_  sewed myself up.  _I_  disposed of my bloody clothes.  _I_  rolled up the rug I bled all over. Because _I_ didn't know what else to do because I knew well enough by that point if I tried to do anything else, they'd just snatch it back out from under me. That they'd do something to punish me for trying so I just did what they wanted."

          Liwen sat stock still through the outburst. Watched the despair on both of their faces and felt she was playing audience to something that she shouldn’t have been witnessing. No, this was not the man she had known and worked with for over a decade. That man had never shown shame or guilt for a single thing. 

          "Dr. Geiszler." She spoke quietly but calmly despite the emotion that had pooled in her chest. She had come into this room believing that she had a grasp on the situation. Once again, she felt she had been proven wrong as she did her best to remain composed. The world seemed intent on dropping out from her in unexpected ways these last few weeks. A new adjustment to be made. Another victim she was responsible for.

          "Yeah?" The word was raw and rough as he looked at her; there was a note of hesitancy as if he expected her to lash out at him. She would have, had she heard of this in a different way, if she hadn’t been faced with his devastation over a single life when she knew how many more there had been. Would knowing how many more there were break him? If one life did this would thousands more crush him under their weight? Did he deserve to be crushed?

          “As someone who likely spent the most time in contact with you while the Precursors were in control; I do not believe at this point that you share in the blame for what happened.” No, Liwen could not justify those thoughts. Could not bring herself to believe that this man she hadn’t met deserved to have what was left destroyed.

          She might find over time that Dr. Newton Geiszler was all the things that had been described to her before meeting him. That he might still be brash, confident and irritating once the layers of trauma had been carefully stripped away. But one thing was clear, even now, this man was not a killer. Was not callous enough to have truly desired the death of the world when a single death rocked him so completely to his core. 

          “Oh…” The word was spoken soft and quiet with breathy shock behind it. She realized that he had expected her to condemn him. He had admitted this seeking her judgement but she found she had none to give. Not to him. Her judgement would be saved for when they opened the breach. For when she, piloting the drone that would carry their payload through, would reap her vengeance upon those who deserved it.

 

They had returned to Newton’s room after the meeting with Liwen; his enthusiasm for roaming about the dome significantly lessened. Hermann sat besides him in silence, their backs against the wall of his room, legs stretched out in front of them on the bed. It was a quiet and contemplative mood as he felt Newton’s mind struggling to fully take in the fact that he hadn’t been condemned the way he believed he would.  

          The meeting with Liwen had…gone unexpectedly well despite Newton’s raging guilt. He found that he wished Newton hadn’t searched for condemnation so soon after he’d managed to earn him salvation. The night before had been a peaceful moment. One he’d felt had spelled out healing and joy which had been why he’d waited until that morning to bring up Liwen’s request. That crushing guilt that had broken through had hit both of them in that unguarded moment. The confusing bit of memory that had brought with it the loss.

          It was difficult and frustrating; balancing the fact that he knew, logically, that Newton wasn’t to blame for what had happened with that weighted knowledge he’d never be able to understand fully what it felt like. What it felt like for Newton to remember his person being used to enact tragedies while not being the driving force behind them.

          Hermann wasn’t equipped to talk Newton through those feelings. He still had to fight with memories of Newton’s hand on his throat himself on the worst nights when his mind turned against him.

          His nightmares hadn’t left him but they had become altered. Shifting forms and Newton lost to him among them. Whether they truly were simple nightmares born of his own imagination or taunts still leaking through in the back of their minds; Hermann wasn’t entirely certain. They had managed to banish the Precursor’s main presence in Newton’s mind but that odd sleeping state connection that seemed to have tied even Hermann to them still lingered.

          He longed to know their nightmares were truly their own. That certainty could only be achieved by the eliminating the root of the problem, however, and even once they were uprooted the symptoms of their presence would be a lingering thing. Years of trauma did not simply disappear once the perpetrator is gone.

          “Would you be willing to speak with someone when we’re able to figure out the logistics of it?” Hermann said quietly and he felt Newton startle slightly as he broke that long stretch of silence. His head had been on Hermann’s shoulder but he sat up now with a frown of thought on his face. Hermann tried to discern his thoughts without actually listening in to his mind. To see if he could still decipher his moods just based on his expressions.

          “Like a therapist?” Newton tilted his head to look at him. Hermann nodded in response, watching the thoughts play out in micro expressions. Newton pursed his lips, skewed his mouth to one side as he frowned a bit. A familiar look of weighted contemplation. The softening of that frown as he shrugged. Acceptance rather than a fight. Newton prepared for a fight with every muscle in his face. Eyebrows would go up, mouth would drop open before it all inevitably reversed into a frown and angry words. Hermann could still remember those subtle cues he’d grown so used to. So fond of. “Yeah, that might be good…used to have a guy I went to before. Probably not lucky enough that he’d still be practicing.”

          “We could look into it. Whoever it ends up being they will likely need to be approved given the information you’d be discussing.” Hermann would find time to go over it with Mako. She’d be the one most likely to get a response if she put in the request for a clearance approval for a licensed therapist. Newton would speak the best on who he felt most comfortable with when they attempted to find one but she could get the process moving. It may be another thing that had to wait until their attempt on the breach had come and passed.

          “Yeah, that makes sense. ‘Sides, not like most therapists are going to be prepared to deal with…not a normal sort of problem, is it?” Newton frowned down at his hands, staring at them as if there were slightly foreign to him. Hermann reached over to take one of those hands in his hoping to disrupt the thoughts. Liwen’s apparent forgiveness had tamed some of that confused guilt but it wouldn’t be enough to erase it. It had been something that had sat silent while they’d all been focused on the more immediate issues but had reared its head with a vengeance.

          “Though the circumstances are unusual I believe we’ll be able to find someone who may be able to help you work through the resulting feelings you are having.” Newton looked up at him and nodded as he gave Hermann’s hand a gentle squeeze. Silence passed between them again for a few moments.

          “How are you feeling?” Hermann tried to take stock of just what the answer to that question was. He felt tired in a way that had his chest feeling heavy and his bones loose in his body. He could recognize the fatigue that often came with illness but he had fought to bear it. It wasn’t a sudden onset, he’d been feeling more and more worn over the last several days, but there was too much to be done.

          “I am fine.” It had been just after noon when they’d spoken with Liwen and he glanced at the time expecting it to be much later now than it truly was. Newton moved beside him and Hermann brought his focus back to reading his expressions. The frown remained but there was concern in Newton’s eyes this time as he moved to press a hand to Hermann’s forehead.

          “You need to sleep.” Newton’s hand slipped from his forehead to caress down to his collar where it stopped to toy with the fabric gently. Small affectionate touches as he finally settled in for that fight. “You’ve been wiped since this morning.”

          “I am just fine, Newton.” Hermann reiterated as he tried to rally his energy reserves but they seemed to be depleted. He had expected Newton to give him a shrewd look, narrowed eyes and arguments already on his lips, but instead was met with a reemerging flicker of guilt as he pulled away. It bounced between them for a moment, that sense of responsibility. Hermann lifted Newton’s hand gently to press a kiss against his knuckles on instinct. “I am a little under the weather. That is all.”

          “Then go sleep. You need it.” Hermann tugged Newton lightly; gave him the option to resist if he wished to but he moved in closer instead, curled up against Hermann as their arms wrapped around each other. Hermann contemplated sleeping here. Staying and lying down with Newton rather than bothering to go back to his room to sleep alone. Newton was a warm and comfortable weight against him, his hair tickling along Hermann’s jaw.

          “You’d sleep better in your room.” Newton mumbled this without any real conviction in his voice and his arms tightened around him in contradiction to the suggestion.

          “I missed having you besides me while we slept…” Hermann realized even as he said it that this might be crossing a line. It was a line that he’d been carefully treading with his own feelings and ensuring that Newton wasn’t feeling rushed in to something that was still fresh to him. That line had been crossed just a little the night before with their quiet declarations.

          “Could stay here.” Newton sounded a bit shy as he spoke but from what Hermann could tell he was being completely sincere with the suggestion. Hermann soothed his hand along Newton’s back as he contemplated the offer. Contemplated was perhaps not the right word given he’d already decided that he’d much rather stay.

          “I could.” Hermann rested his cheek on the top of Newton’s head as he closed his eyes. Newton relaxed further against him and he was more than happy to stay as they were, back resting against the wall and Newton wrapped around him.

          They sat for a few seconds before Hermann felt Newt shift away from him slightly. He opened his eyes with a soft frown and noticed that whoever was in the observation room had lowered the lights for them. Newton tugged at the blankets to pull them aside before he motioned for Hermann to lie down. He was suddenly aware that he was still in the clothes from the day though he had kicked his shoes off earlier.

          “Come on. We’ll get some rest for a while and then we’ll get some soup or something for dinner later.” Hermann sighed as he shifted to lie down and Newton tucked in besides him. Hermann smiled as Newton pulled the blankets back over them.

          “That sounds like an excellent idea.” Hermann took a deep breath, felt the ache and stretch of his lungs. Newton scooted in close, curling up at his right side with a leg resting over his. Hermann could already feel the exhaustion pulling him under and he closed his eyes. He contemplated needing to set an alarm so that they didn’t sleep too late.

          The thought slipped away; sleep pulling Hermann under far quicker than he anticipated.


	17. In the night; The stormy night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton's continued feelings of guilt and the growing sense that he needs to be doing something starts to wear on him. Someone unexpected reaches out to him for answers that he cannot give and Hermann's silence in regards to his own current state raise his frustrations.  
> Hermann finally speaks with Karla after Lars sends his siblings an email that ignites his sibling's concern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Paradise" by Coldplay.

It was early and the cafeteria was practically empty. There was coffee though and the scent of bacon and eggs were floating from the closed counter as they prepared for the day. He’d been woken up that morning when Hermann had gotten phone call. He’d been staying with him the last couple of nights which Newton was finding a mixed blessing. He enjoyed having the time with Hermann, slept better with him besides him, but having all that time now it was becoming more and more obvious how little talking they really did. Together but separate and all Newton wanted was to be alone. Or, to be allowed to help. Or…something he couldn’t even describe or pin down.  

          That morning Hermann had gotten an extremely early phone call that he had quickly dismissed. He’d gotten up and stated he needed to take care of something after that; more things Newton wasn’t allowed to know. More of that silence contrasting conversations that revolved solely around Newton and nothing else.

          Newton had tried to fall back to sleep after he left but a rise in nervous energy had made it impossible. He’d finally wandered out to the dining hall because it was at least something to do. Somewhere he was allowed to go.

          Raleigh had wandered along with him as his escort who looked like he’d rather be sleeping as well. Newton glanced in his direction now with a soft huff. He’d asked for some alone time and he’d been more than willing to comply. Granted, complying given the current situation meant that he was sitting a couple of tables away clearly still keeping an eye on him even as he messed around with his cellphone. Newton couldn’t blame him, he was following orders, and it was as much for his safety as it was for everyone else’s comfort.

          He wasn’t sure if it was because of the abrupt awakening or the continued lingering emotions of the meeting with Liwen but Newton felt off that morning. He hadn’t been able to shake off those feelings of guilt now that they’d risen up again. He’d managed to shake them for a little while there when other things had been weighing on all of them. He hadn’t been expecting her to forgive him the way she had and Newton still wasn’t entirely sold that he deserved it. Hermann had been right that talking to someone about it all might help. Separating himself out from it all was proving difficult and he’d sunk back down into a moodiness once more.

          He took a sip of the coffee he’d collected only to find it had gone cold as he’d sat there. It was ill-advised given the fluttery feeling in his chest that he wasn’t certain was just his. Hermann had felt nervous that morning as well when he’d gotten that call. Newton hoped it wasn’t anything bad, wished that Hermann would talk with someone himself.

          He hummed for a moment, a tune that was stuck in his head but that he couldn’t quite pin down. It was from some old television show; something that was probably before even his time, which likely made it ancient. Either way the tune of the theme song had been stuck in his head all morning on repeat. Something familiar but distant all at once.  

          Newton felt a familiar tug at the back of his mind as Hermann seemed to be checking on him. He frowned, tried to send reassurances despite some of his introspective. Hermann had worried over him enough as it was already. He tried to put up his own walls once more. He’d been getting better but it took a conscious effort on his part most the time. Hermann seemed able to flip it like a switch but Newton had to consolidate his energy and balloon it up around him to block him out.

          He apparently seemed to trust Newton’s reassurance as the connection between them went quiet and then seemed to close off entirely as Hermann flipped the switch for him like it was nothing. Newton’s hands tightened around the coffee cup a little too much and some of the cold liquid spilled out as the paper caved. He cursed quietly, sticking a knuckle in his mouth to suck the cold coffee off his skin. It had landed mostly on him though there were a few drops on the table he attempted to smooth away.

          Newton wiped his hand on his jeans as he frowned at the time, knew that something had definitely come up with how long it was taking Hermann. They had been hoping to eat when the food line first opened to avoid the crowd of people. Time was ticking away though and he had the impression he hadn’t exactly been on his way down before their connection had closed.

          Newton wasn’t convinced that Hermann was alright but any attempt to express that recently had been met with dismissal. It was almost like being back during the war, which still seemed all of a year ago to him, though that was an improvement over it feeling like yesterday. He wished he could reconnect with the feeling from a few nights ago; wondered if they’d be able to go out onto the helipad again soon. He had thought he’d be content with being able to roam that shatterdome at last and it was an improvement over existing only in a single room. It had been just a band aid on those confused feelings of confinement, however.

          Newton hadn’t realized how lost in his thoughts he’d gotten until someone sat down suddenly in front of him. It startled him and he looked up wide-eyed at the young woman sitting on the other side of the table staring at him intensely. She was a kid, really, blonde hair short and angled as she openly scowled at him. Newton shifted uncomfortably, glanced back towards Raleigh who was watching them both from over his phone. He wasn’t immediately coming over to interfere but he’d be there if things went wrong.

          “Hey…kiddo. Do I know you?” Newton winced as he saw her expression harden and started to wonder if the PPDC had begun training mini assassins over the last few years. And then it hit him. She was one of the cadets. One of the cadets who had become rangers because of the attack by the Precursors. There was a fresh wave of sickening guilt and he felt the burn of bile in his throat for a moment before he took a quick sip of his coffee to push it all down.

          “I am not a child; I am a cadet. And no, you don’t know me but I know you.” Newton winced just a little as he shifted to sit up a bit straighter. He could recognize he’d stepped right into that one but at the same time he could feel his own bristles rise at the insinuation that she knew anything about him. He was, like, ninety-nine-point-nine percent certain he hadn’t interacted with her before now at all. And if he had, well, he wasn’t remembering it which meant it hadn’t been him doing the meeting. 

          “Right, sorry…look if we met before it wasn’t exactly me so I’m afraid you don’t really. Is there something I can help you with?” God, Newton would give anything if he was actually able to _help_ someone with something. Anything really.

          “I want to understand what it is she has seen that has changed her mind about you.” She seemed to expect him to know what she was talking about though some of her intensity wavered as a look of insecurity flickered across her face. That was something that Newton could definitely understand even if he didn’t get where the conversation was going. He didn’t have a clue who _she_ was. Liwen maybe? She was the most likely candidate given the recent meeting. The cadet seemed to pick up on his confusion but wasn’t offering up any more clarification.

          “I’m…okay, I don’t know if I can help you with that cause, honestly, I don’t really know who you’re talking about. Maybe if we start there, I’ll be able to actually try and give you an answer?” Raleigh had gotten up from his table and was slowly making his way towards them. Newton shook his head as he spoke, felt the need to try and help with whatever this was. There were so many things he couldn’t help with right now but this might be something within his power. Depending on what exactly they were talking about.

          “Amara.” She gave the table slight slap with her hand as if he should know that. It made him flinch and she frowned at him seeming perplexed by the reaction. She put her hands down in her lap, folded them as if trying to make a conscious effort to reign in any further impulsive actions despite the sharp look in her eyes that indicated she was marking it down in her memory. Newton shook his head, tried to clear away the spike of nerves, as he attempted to figure out if he’d heard the name before.  

          “I’ve…got nothing. If I’ve met this Amara it, again, wasn’t when I was actually the one doing the meeting.” Newton gave a light shrug as her look hardened once more, that insecurity being replaced by anger as she gave a huff. “Let’s try something else; how ‘bout you tell me who Amara is and maybe it will help? Details help…sometimes.”

          “She is one of my drift partners. She has decided you are trustworthy but I don’t understand why she has changed her mind. Before she felt like the rest of us but she is now determined we should all give you a chance.” That hadn’t really helped and he could see she was floundering despite her attempts to cover it up with bravado. He’d talked to a lot of people, well, a lot of people had talked at him recently. He didn’t think any of them had been one of the cadets though. He’d seen the group of them around a few times but they’d all stayed far away from him.

          “Well, have you talked to her about it?” That was apparently the wrong thing to say if the look on her face was any indication. “I’m just saying, I don’t know who your friend is. And, I don’t know what would have changed their mind about me. I’ve been stuck in a room until recently.”

          “You should still be in that room now. Because you are a traitor.” It felt like he’d been slapped as he pulled back. She crossed her arms over her chest as she looked at him with that stubborn set to her jaw though her eyes flickered to Raleigh who had come to sit down beside him.

          “Not me…them.” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. It almost felt like habit now and he felt just as convinced of it as she did. She crossed her arms over her chest appearing ready to fight with that stubborn set to her jaw. It was oddly familiar as he remembered himself at that age; angry at people not taking him seriously and ready to throw down at a moment’s notice. Well, verbally throw down. He hadn’t ever been all that well equipped to throw down in an actual fight.

          “Everything okay here?”

          “Yes, sir, Marshal.” She answered quickly with something that sounded suspiciously like respect in her tone that he doubted was easily earned. Granted, it was Raleigh she was speaking to. The Marshal and war hero. Newton took a drink of his coffee, wished it was still hot so that it could melt that arctic cold that had iced over his ribs. It almost felt like vindication; the blame he’d not been able to rattle out of Liwen. _His body, his hands, where did you separate it all out?_

          “Everything okay here, Newt?” Raleigh repeated the question but put some emphasis on his name. Newton made himself look up at him and found Raleigh looking back with concern. He nodded and shrugged a little because it was okay. She had the right to be upset. Newton took a deep breath as he looked back up at the cadet who looked a little less assured of herself but just as stubborn as before.

          “I think you should talk with your friend, Cadet…um…”

          “Malikova.” Raleigh supplied the name when she didn’t.

          “Malikova, right, well…I can’t tell you what changed your friend’s mind. Honestly, I can’t think of anything I’ve done that would have convinced someone who I’ve not even talked to that I’m trustworthy. And, this sounds like this is something that the two of you should discuss. Sorry I couldn’t help.” Newton had really hoped he could help. Be useful for something. She narrowed her eyes at him and seemed to be searching him. Whatever she found didn’t seem satisfactory as she pursed her lips and stood up from the table to storm away. 

          “Cadet.” Raleigh called after her and she almost didn’t stop. Almost. She halted her steps to look back at him expectantly. “Dr. Geiszler is right. It’s important that if you have doubts between yourself and one of your drift partners that you work it out. Talk to her to see where she’s coming from rather than relying on the drift or other people to fill in the blanks for you.”

          “Yes sir.” She said it a bit curtly this time as she looked quickly between the two of them before turning and stomping away. Raleigh gave a sigh as he clapped him lightly on the back, Newton’s eyes returning to the table.

          “Don’t think she likes me very much.”

          “Jake thinks she’ll come around. A lot of them are angry and scared right now. You’re an easy target for all of that.” Raleigh reached and took the coffee cup from him gently as he stood up. “I’ll get you another cup. The coffee here is terrible enough; no need to make it worse by drinking it cold.”

          “Thanks.” Newton folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on top of them as he looked for a moment in the direction the cadet had disappeared. He wished that he had been able to give her an answer. To feel useful to someone; be able to help with something.

          The paper cup of coffee reappeared in front of him as Raleigh returned. They sat together for a while in silence, Newton’s chin still resting on his arms though the coffee cup was the only thing he could really see now. He finally sat up and took a sip despite it being a little too hot for him. Raleigh sat on the bench beside him facing the other direction, legs stretched out across the aisle as he looked around the dining hall.

          “Mako seems to think you’re looking for someone to condemn you. Survivor’s guilt; feeling you should have done more. Fought more. Did things differently. Thing is, Newt; if you look hard enough, you’ll always find the people willing to do so. But they’ll be wrong. Some of them, like Cadet Malikova, just won’t know better or will be too hurt to realize what they’re doing. Others will do it maliciously. But you fought, that’s the truth of the matter, you did what you could and you came out on the other end when other people wouldn’t have.”  

          “Yeah, that’s what everyone keeps saying.” Newton tried for a smile but it must not have been very impressive given the raised eyebrow Raleigh gave him in return. “Survivor’s guilt, huh?”

          “Similar enough. Went through some of that myself. You get too focused on the what if’s and I should haves. Start feeling like it should have been you.”  

          “Oh yeah, I’m sure…it’s exactly the same.” Newton had tried to keep the comment in but his filter hadn’t been great even before everything had happened. And it was the truth; Raleigh hadn’t exactly gone through being stuck in his own head while his body killed people. It felt like a pretty distinct difference to him and it felt like another person saying they knew. That they understood. Raleigh couldn’t understand any more than the random J-tech who had stated he just could _imagine_ what it was like a few days back.

          “It’s not and I’m not saying it is. Look, I know that Dr. Gottlieb has talked with Mako about finding you someone to talk to.” Newton tilted his head to give Raleigh a frustrated look. He didn’t need to talk with a Ranger or a Marshal or someone like that. Sure, they’d have clearance to talk with him but he was pretty damn certain they weren’t the best on insight. Raleigh might actually be decent on the insight front actually but that didn’t mean Newton wanted to confide in him. Newton would maybe be willing to confide in him. After some time.

          “I’m not saying talk to me. I’m saying, I’ve got a guy. I talk to him every couple of weeks most the time, varies some. But he’s got clearance and he’s good at helping work through some of that stuff. If you’d like to talk with him, we can get it set up. He’s in the US so it’d have to be video sessions if you’re comfortable with that.”

          “Oh…” Newton ducked his head to drink more coffee to hide some of that contrite feeling that snapped into place. “I’d appreciate that.”

          “I’ll see if I can set it up.” Raleigh gave a brief nod and they sat silent then. There was something huddled in Newton’s chest that might have been a scream or a thank you. He wasn’t sure which would come out if he opened his mouth again so he just kept it closed. Raleigh watched him for a few drawn out moments, watched him like he was able to read what Newton was thinking, and he took a sip of his coffee to push that knot down further.

          Newton wanted to be alone.

 

          The phone call from his brother that morning had brought up fresh his conversation with Tendo the other day. Hermann needed to stop ignoring his family and answer some of their messages. It’d been quiet since Dietrich had left him a voicemail a few days back but this morning his phone had started to receive several notifications  all of the sudden. He had excused himself from Newton’s room as he tried to mentally prepare himself to see what the fuss was all about.

          First, he wanted a chance to freshen up given he felt as if he’d been over warmed in the microwave then left sitting for far too long. He hoped to feel more human once he had showered and redressed. Perhaps then he would be prepared for whatever catastrophe had occurred that was causing his phone to sound off several times in a row just in the time it took him to get to his room.

          The hallways had at least proven to be rather empty on the journey. He’d passed Raleigh in the observation room on his way out but otherwise he’d been greeted by quiet. Most of the regular staff of the shatterdome had taken the opportunity of their brief break in work to take time with their families. There was a handful of people within its walls compared to normal which meant it had been rather peaceful. The calm before the storm.  

          Once he reached his room, he set his phone aside with a frown before retreating to his small private bathroom to shower. He let the water heat up as he undressed and by the time he stepped inside it was hot and steaming. The heat sunk into his sore muscles and helped open up some of the tightness that had been settling in his chest of the last few days.

          The water falling down on him was rhythmic and comforting; a balm to long hours and stressful moments. He let all of that slip away, closed his eyes and felt the weight of it settle. Another week, perhaps a week and a half, and they’d be ready and enacting their attempt on the breach. It relied on the retired rangers coming forward to give them more support. That would be the last piece to slot into place now that they’d hopefully figured out how to-

          _Come and…_

_Knock on…_

_Our door…_

          Hermann startled as the words to the song rose in the back of his mind. He stood still for a second under the water trying to gauge if it was just a recall memory or something more troubling. He reached carefully out for Newton, got a quiet reassurance in return. Nothing else seemed to stir along with him; no static burst or flickers of alien anatomy. Nothing more than Newton’s recent personal turmoil and his concern over Hermann’s own wellbeing.  

          Hermann switched off the water feeling less at ease than before. He toweled off, monitoring that connection between him and Newton a little longer. Newton was still a bit like a tumultuous river just then, typically calm on the surface, but a mess of emotions underneath that wavered before joy, guilt and confusion. Perhaps it had just been a stirred-up memory…

          His phone chimed again as he worked on getting dressed and he frowned down at it as he worked on the buttons of his shirt. Karla’s name popped up on the screen with a text message and Hermann pursed his lips. He had expected to see Dietrich’s name again. One sibling attempting to get a hold of him repeatedly likely meant some sort of minor train wreck in the Gottlieb family. Two meant something entirely different and likely worse.

          Hermann picked the phone up with a sense of dread, hoping nothing else had happened to rock his foundations. He was walking a tightrope as it was with their breakneck speed of work. He opened his text messages first seeing that all three of his siblings had sent him a message. Something big must have happened if even Bastien was getting in contact. He started there, with Bastien, the sibling least likely to blow things out of proportion.

 

_B: Hermms, please tell me it’s true and you told da off?_ _Oh, Deitz and Karla are freaking out btw. Probs should answer the phone before they fly over there to murder you._

Hermann sighed as he sunk down to the edge of the bed. So, it had something to do with Lars and their recent confrontation. That did little to settle Hermann’s nerves though he at least knew no one in the family was dead now. He switched to Dietrich next as he realized he had truly avoided this for far too long.

 

_D: Brother, I hope everything is ok. We are worried._

_D: No matter what is going on we will stand by you._

 

          Dietrich would likely be a ball of nerves waiting for his little brother to call him back. Hermann said a quiet apology to him in the back of his mind because he would have to wait a while longer. Karla and Vanessa would be first. Not only was Karla the sibling he was closest with; the two of them had also been close to Newton back in the day. The news of what had happened would shake them the most and needed to come from Hermann and Hermann alone. If Lars hadn’t already taken it upon himself to do so, at least.

          He switched to the text chain he had with Karla and Vanessa to scroll through the messages there.

 

_K: Hermann, why is Lars emailing us all? What is going on there?_

_K: You said everything was under control after the attacks. What is Lars going on about? What risks are you taking?_

_V: Hermann, hun, please answer the phone. Karla’s at her wits end._

_K: We love you…_

_V: Whatever is going on, remember that._

          Hermann felt a fresh spike of anger settle in his chest towards his father as he noted the time on the messages. Whatever email Lars appeared to have sent must have been the initial source of Dietrich’s call. His eldest brother had likely been the only one to open the message upon seeing the sender and had informed the others to read whatever he had written when Hermann never got back to him the other day.

          His phone started to vibrate in his hand and Vanessa’s name popped up as an incoming phone call. Karla, no doubt, trying him now on her wife’s phone thinking he was avoiding her. Had he been?

          The honest answer was that he had. He’d been avoiding a great number of people who likely should know about what was going on. It was unfair especially given the rumors that had been going on with the media. Lars had been correct that it had leaked Newton was somehow tied to the attack. It was mainly tabloid-like headlines though some creeped into being frighteningly close to the truth. There was a statement being prepared in regards to those rumors soon but Hermann wasn’t certain when it would be going out.

          Hermann, himself, owed some sort of explanation to the people who would be affected by this. His own siblings were on that list but so were Newt’s uncle, Ilia, and his mother, Monica. Well…Monica could perhaps wait a while longer which wasn’t a polite thought but Hermann doubted her ability to be quiet about the situation. She was just as likely to go to the press to make a big deal about needing to defend ‘her poor boy’. She might be someone to call as close to the confirmed release of the statement as possible.

          Karla was a good place to start and she’d be willing to help explain and filter anything to their other two siblings. He would just have to navigate her emotions in regards to Newton the best he could.

          She’d been furious with him after he’d left; claimed that anger stemmed solely from the fact that he’d hurt Hermann. And it had hurt him but Hermann understood his sister had her own wounds from that departure. Newton had been her friend as well and he’d cut Karla and Vanessa out just as thoroughly as everyone else.

          Hermann also knew that there had been some words exchanged at some point back then that had catalyzed a lot of that anger. Karla had never told him what exactly had been said and Hermann wondered if Newton even remembered himself. He took a breath to steady himself before he swiped his finger across the phone screen to answer the call.

          “Hello Karla.”

          “Oh…well, hello, Hermann. It’s nice of you to finally answer your damn phone. What the hell has been going on?” Karla sounded frustrated as she answered though she was quick to reel in her tone. “Would you like to know what he’s said?”

          “I can imagine it rather well myself.” Hermann spoke tentatively as he tried to ground himself against whatever it was his father had written to his siblings. It failed entirely as he felt that disconnect settle in, that distance that made things easier even if it felt like he wasn’t in his own body. He had hoped his father’s part in this mess was over with his departure from the dome but he’d always needed to have the last word. Dragging his siblings in to it was the biggest hitch he could likely manage now that the council wasn’t in his favor.

          “Well, I’ll highlight the main attractions for you. ‘I do not expect a response’, as if any of us would actually want to come to him for more information, ‘but you have no doubt heard the rumors about what occurred’, yadda yadda yadda. Here we are; ‘Your brother has chosen to open himself, and by proxy the rest of you, to criticism by aligning himself with Dr. Geiszler in regards to his part in the recent incident. He has taken ill-advised actions that have placed him at great risk’-“

          Karla had a particular tone of voice she used when she was mocking Lars and it was on full display now as she continued. So much for classified information. He felt a stir in the back of his mind and he immediately shut down that connection despite his own fatigue. He didn’t want Newton to catch any of this conversation if it strayed into tender territory. He could hear the frustrated tone creeping back into Karla’s voice and recognized it from times she’d chastised him over the years for another attempt at getting Newton to work with him on some project.

          “Karla.”

          “Newton, Hermann, fucking Newton. After all this time your stepping in to defend him when it’s the project  _he_  was working on that blew up in everyone’s face. That got sabotaged by the damn Precursors and you’re defending him after everything he did. I understand that these rumors of him being the mastermind behind it all are, just, look even  _I_  know that Newton wouldn’t have actually been the one responsible-“

          “You don’t understand-“

          “You’re right, Hermann. I don’t understand why after he left and the way he treated you for so long. So, make me understand.” Some of the edge had bled out of her voice into a plead. “From the way Lars is talking in this fucking email it sounds like you’re taking full responsibility in Newton’s place which is insane. You don’t even work for Shao-“

          “Karla, are you in a private location?” Hermann cut in as she spoke and heard her silence drag for a second on the other. She would understand what that meant, would know that he intended to discuss things that he shouldn’t technically be sharing.

          “Yes. Nessa is with me but we’re at home.” They all had secured personal lines, Hermann had made sure of that during the war and had seen no reason to stop those extra measures over the last ten years. There should be no concern of anyone, within the PPDC or out, listening in on their conversation. “Hermann…”

          “I chose to take responsibility for Newton’s rehabilitation including defending him against the council which is where our father became involved. He lost that particular battle and appears not to have learned much from our discussions given this email you have all received.” Hermann slipped into a formal tone as he spoke doing his best to explain what had happened in the last few weeks.

          “Rehabilitation?” Vanessa’s voice cut in this time, a slight muffle as the two of them likely both tried to listen in. “Was he hurt in the attack? The email made it sound-“

          “Newton was…compromised but it was not during the attack….” Hermann found himself struggling to figure out just how to explain it all. Karla and Vanessa were completely separate from the situation aside from their connection to him. They had no reports that had prepared them, had seen no footage or data that would support what he was going to tell them. They had known Newton, however, had known him before and seen the changes in him since. “Newton has been compromised for a long time against his own will. There were signs but they were either missed or misunderstood.”

          “What do you mean by compromised, Hermann?” Karla’s tone was quieter now and mirrored his formal tone. Formal was easier for them when dealing with things of a large magnitude.

          “The drift goes two ways. And, unfortunately, the repercussions of multiple drifts with a hivemind appears to have been…overwhelming for him. We have managed to help him push them out but he is still finding his footing. The council has recently determined he is not culpable for what they forced him to do during that time which is likely what prompted Lars’ decision to contact all of you.”

          Hermann pulled himself back onto his bed, pressed his back against the wall as he spoke. There was quiet on the other end for a long moment as the information sunk in. It felt odd, explaining it now after so much and knowing that it would be a fresh shock to them both. He felt detached, disconnected from it in some way that felt necessary. Had really been just a few weeks since he’d first had this revelation himself?

          “Is he…how long? How long has this been happening?” Karla’s words seemed even quieter. When formality failed her during difficult things Karla tended to fall back on silence. He could tell she was creeping towards that now, wished he’d had an easier way to explain this. He pursed his lips, hated hearing his sister sound so small when she was normally such a full presence.

          “From what we’ve been able to put together so far they have been in close to complete control since the time he took the position at Shao Industries and left. Before that it seems to have been bits and pieces, slowing taking more as they could.” The silence was stark for a few moments before he heard a soft shattered breath. It was followed by some muffled conversation on the other end of the call as if the phone had been set down for the moment. Hermann took a second to put his own phone aside, to take a few quick breaths to try and reattach himself to his frame.

          “Hermann?” Vanessa’s voice came to him sounding worried and upset after a few long seconds.

          “I am still here.” He hadn’t been as successful with his attempt to feel grounded as he had hoped. He let his head rest back against the wall a bit roughly, felt the thud of it through his skull.

          “Good. Karla’s taking a few moments; I think that it’s…God, Hermann…that’s a lot.” Hermann closed his eyes that felt heavy and tired in their sockets. He knew Karla would likely call him back later to talk once she’d had a chance to wrap her head around it. She would need time to process, to find her words and voice again. “Are you okay?”

          “I, as always, am just fine. Thank you for asking though,” Hermann said as he opened his eyes to glance at the time. The cafeteria would be opening soon for breakfast where Newton was waiting for him. Coffee sounded absolutely heavenly just then.  

          “Oof, that bad, huh?” Hermann gave a soft sound that might have been amusement at that response. “Are you remembering to take care of yourself at least?”

          “Of course.”

          “Liar.” They both laughed this time thought the sound was half-hearted; weighed down by the information he’d just delivered. “Is he okay now?” Vanessa seemed hesitant, a state that he would have thought to be completely foreign to her before now.

          “He is definitely better,” Hermann said with an honest smile tugging at his lips. “I can’t go into all the details but…they are gone. He is dealing with the repercussions, trying to adjust to being the one in control. I’ve been doing my best to help him with that.” _Mostly gone._ He reminded himself as the words of the song rose up like an echo in the back of his mind once more. Unsettled him as he felt more eager to get back to Newton’s side.

          “God…Hermann, why didn’t you tell us? Have you been shouldering this all on your own?”

          “No…not on my own, fortunately. Most of the others have come back. They’ve helped. I…when it all happened, I wasn’t certain what to say or what I could. Honestly, even this is likely more than I’m supposed to be saying and I can’t get into everything right now. I am sorry that I put it off for so long.” Hermann pulled his right leg up towards his chest, wrapping an arm around it.

          “It sounds like you guys have had a lot to deal with, hon, especially if Lars has been involved. Is there anything we can do?” Hermann frowned as he thought on that. Karla and Vanessa wouldn’t be able to do anything within the PPDC aside from a visit. He wasn’t sure that was the best idea given the fact that they would soon be moving into making their attempt on the breach. He didn’t want them here for that; would worry he’d be putting them in danger. He glanced at his desk where he knew that their contingency plan was still tucked carefully away.

          There was no current need for it. Now that the council had made their decision it was safe for them to remain and for him to see the plan through. Hermann hadn’t thought much past all of that yet. He’d been so focused on getting them to that point that beyond it was an open-ended uncertainty. They would eventually need a place to go. He didn’t want to keep Newton here, he wanted to give him a chance to get away from some of the reminders of everything and take some proper time to heal. To spend that time with him if he was allowed.

          “Perhaps. I need to check on some things first but I will get back to you. Otherwise, if you would perhaps get a hold of Dietrich and Bastien to let them know that everything is okay? Or, at least, relatively so?” He would send both his brothers text messages assuring them of the same though he’d need to call them soon as well. He could tackle those phone calls later on once he’d gotten some time to eat. And then he would need to decide when to call Ilia and see if Newton wanted to be a part of that call or not. Their work on the breach might have been halted but it seemed he still had a rather lot of things to take care of.

          “Of course, we will. Will you do me a favor and take care of yourself too, Hermann?”

          “I will do my best. Goodbye, Vanessa.”

          “Bye Hermann.”

 

          Hermann finally appeared for breakfast a while later. It had taken long enough that their initial plan of bypassing most of the crowd was lost. He sat quietly beside him now as they ate, Hermann poking at his eggs with seemingly no appetite. He’d done this during the war. Focused so much on the task at hand that he stopped taking care of himself. Newton used to have methods to counter it back then but it felt a little more complicated now. He at least seemed to have gotten a bit more sleep the last couple of nights.

          More and more people had filed in and the place now was crowded. Well, Newton could remember times it was more crowded than this but most of the tables had at least a few people sitting at them, scattered and interspersed. The din of voices carried around them making it harder to talk though Hermann wasn’t doing much of that. Hermann hadn’t really done much of that at all even with these last two days where they’d been together almost constantly.

          “You want my hash browns?” Newton scooted a little close to Hermann as he asked the question; motioned towards his hash browns that he had wanted to eat. He knew Hermann enjoyed them though. “I’m still not able to eat as much as I used to. Get full too fast.” Hermann blinked at him for a moment before that gentle knowing smile came to his lips.

          “I appreciate that, Newton, but I am just fine. You keep them; maybe you’ll find you want them.” Hermann patted his knee before going back to pushing his food around. Newton huffed as he frowned down at his eggs. He stabbed at a few of them both shoving a forkful into his mouth. It wasn’t proving to be a great day; more reminders of what he was responsible for, more reminders that he couldn’t help with anything and that continued feeling that the floor would drop out from beneath him at some point.

          “Was everything okay…with your phone call earlier?” Newton sighed as he tried to break the quiet between them. Hermann was distant and clearly distracted by something. And Newton understood he couldn’t know everything that was going on but it sometimes felt like he wasn’t allowed to know anything period.

          “Hmm? Yes, it was a family matter that I needed to take care of. It’s nothing to worry about.” Newton could tell that wasn’t entirely be the truth. He could tell because he’d gotten a stir of concern from Hermann. It felt a little like Hermann was keeping everything from him rather than just the things to do with whatever they were planning for the breach. Tendo had talked about Allison and Mac, shown him pictures of his kid and generally had filled him in on big things that had happened. Mako had spent some time talking with him about her promotions up through the PPDC and her relationship with Raleigh that had continued to be close. Even Herc had talked with him about personal things which had been awkward and unexpected.

          However, Hermann had been relatively mute in regards to anything personal. He had shared little bits and pieces but mainly in how they related to Newton. His focus seemed solely on Newton, which he appreciated, he had rarely turned down attention in his lifetime. But he wanted to know. He would like to know what was happening with Hermann outside of him and what happened to Hermann over the last ten years. Shit, even the little flickers he’d gotten of some other short-lived relationship he’d like some details on.

          “How have your brothers and sister been doing? They’re all okay, right?” Newton broached the question carefully just in case one of them _wasn’t_ okay. God, he hoped they were all fine. He hated to think that something had happened to one of them during the last ten years. There was that niggling sense of memory again that Newt shied away from. He didn’t want it just then; he didn’t want whatever memory had been touched on in that moment because he wanted to hear things from Hermann.

          “They’re all doing well, Newton. Truly, everything is fine. There were just some things I needed to discuss with Karla and Vanessa.” Hermann waved a hand a little dismissively but Newton could tell it was more than that. That link wasn’t closed off and put on mute just then so he could tell it was more than just a casual conversation.

          “Of course. Cause everything’s fine. Just fine.” Newton hadn’t intended the sarcastic comment to slip out like that. Hermann’s focus finally fully landed on him and Newton kept his head ducked down this time. He shoved a bit of the hash browns in his mouth, maybe a little vindictively, making it clear Hermann missed his chance to claim them.

          “ _Is_ everything alright?” It was metered, it was carefully constrained, but it was there. Hermann’s frustrated tone of false patience. Newton sort of hoped they’d fight even while every inch of him was still a little scared of the overwhelming emotions that might come with it. He was feeling more and more scabbed over since he’d ‘won’ his freedom. He’d had the good days like the night they’d gone up to the helipad to see the sunset and stars. But inevitably, something would pick and tear at it to reopen the wounds all over again. Then there was the numbness, the disconnects. The fact that he existed but only within these walls. He was being carefully cordoned off from the rest of the world still and the main one corralling him was Hermann.

          “Yeah, it’s all _fine._ ” He was just Schrodinger’s cat.

          “Are you sure? You seem upset.” Hermann’s tone was reeled in again. They weren’t going to fight after all.

          “Yeah. I’m fine. Just like you and everything else in the world.” Newton pushed his tray of food away from him. He no longer felt hungry. He felt itchy and like everyone was staring. Someone was staring and he caught her eyes across the dining hall as she sat with the other cadets. There was another cadet sitting beside Malikova who was watching him as well; a brunette who was whispering something. The drift partner.

          Newton pushed himself up from the table as another memory tried to worm its way into his brain. He shut it down, pushed it back as he pulled away from Hermann who was standing now himself.

          “Newton…”

          “I need to be alone. Can I be alone for a few fucking minutes? Am I _allowed_ to be alone?” They had hated his panic attacks. Had forced them down so he’d smile while his heart beat its way out of his chest. There was no forcing this one down, no drowning it in blue-hued lies. Hermann had reached for him but seemed to think better of it. Newton turned and stormed away, hands shaking and fingers tapping against his thighs in an erratic beat before Hermann could say no.

          Newton just walked, not sure where he was going, but knowing he needed to get away. He went upwards, jammed his finger pushing the elevator buttons too quick, too hard. He pushed the walls down in his mind even as he could feel Hermann’s worry. The opposite of what Newton had wanted. He had wanted to _help_ , instead he was just making it clearer that he was in no condition to help anyone with anything.

          Couldn’t explain how or why he’d gained forgiveness from a stranger. Couldn’t get Hermann to break out of his hyper focused intent enough to take a moment to think of his own health. Couldn’t keep that tidal wave of emotion under control.

          The rain was a startling blow when he pushed the door open to the helipad. It was torrential and heavy rain. The heavy sort of rain that was whipped around by high winds. Newton shied away for a moment but pushed out into the storm despite the intensity of it. The overhang provided some protection against the falling water but not much. He couldn’t see very far because the heavy fat drops left the helipad in a hazy mist once the overhang ended. There was one thing he had little doubt of, however. He was alone. For the first time in over a decade he was truly alone.

          Newton stood at the edge of the overhang, clothes getting soaked quickly even with the protection, and stared out at the haze. He was alone but he was still cut off from the world. He was small but also felt strangely infinite.

          And he screamed. He felt the voice tear up and out of his throat, his vocal chords strained themselves as they reclaimed that sound. Felt some of that tension loosen in his chest; felt it fly free out into the rain so the pressure wasn’t quite so intense. The sound of it was drown out by the fall of the rain and he screamed again.

          And it was his and he was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're actually getting close to the end. There's still about four chapters left according to my notes!


	18. Kiss Me Out of the Bearded Barley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newton and Hermann make progress on getting back on even footing when Newt calls Hermann on the fact they have discussed hardly anything in regards to his life over the last ten years. 
> 
> An early morning meeting is a herald to the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title is from "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer

Hermann had followed Newton but at a distance mainly due to him not being able to keep up. Newton had stormed off at a high speed but the elevator was still on its way up to the helipad when Hermann had finally reached it. He pushed the button to call it back down to him so that he could head up there to find him. Newton wasn’t supposed to be on his own. Though none of their group would report him running off that didn’t mean someone else who was in the dining hall wouldn’t. There were still techs within the shatterdome who didn’t feel Newton should be allowed out even with an escort.

He had gotten the gist of why Newton was upset though he didn’t fully understand it. Hermann was doing his best to let Newton adjust without exposing him to the drama and worries outside of recovering from the past ten years. There would be time for him to be confronted with those things and Hermann could shoulder them for now. That appeared to be the specific point of contention based on the small outburst. Hermann pursed his lips as the elevator doors finally opened and he stepped out into the corridor that led to the helipad.

It was raining outside, he could hear it now that he was on the upper levels of the dome, and it created a low din against the metal and concrete building. He looked out the door and could see Newton standing a little way’s away. He steeled himself to step out into the rain but paused as he watched him. He couldn’t read what Newton was thinking, not without pushing against the walls he’d clearly raised up with intent, and Hermann didn’t want to invade that privacy. That same privacy Newton physically had at the moment out in the rain.

          Hermann pulled away from the door and stepped back into the corridor. He would be close enough there’d be little doubt where Newton was if someone within the dome decided to raise issue with him being on his own. He leaned back against the wall and leaned his head back to close his eyes for the moment. If he didn’t come back inside in a little while he’d go out to get him if only to keep him from getting sick.

          Perhaps they would have been better off if they’d just ran. Except Hermann wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he knew he had needlessly run from his work here. That, after everyone had rallied around him, he abandoned them before they’d seen this all the way through. It would have taken far longer to get to this point if he hadn’t been there to help work out the details; if it hadn’t been for those small pieces of information Newton had managed to get to them.

          “Hey.” Hermann opened his eyes at the sound of Newton’s voice. He was standing just inside the door, soaking wet and dripping, as he rubbed at the back of his neck sheepishly. Hermann moved away from the wall, shrugging out of his cardigan so he could drape it over Newton’s shoulders.

          “Hello.” Hermann pulled the thin sweater around Newton’s tightly, pulling him gently closer and further away from the door. “Are you alright?”

          “Yeah, I’m okay.” Newton leaned forward so his forehead pressed against Hermann’s chest. There was none of the frustration or sarcasm from before. Instead he just sounded tired and Hermann pulled him into a hug despite his soaking wet state. The water seeped into his own clothes but he ignored it as he just held Newton tightly. They stood for a while like that before Newton carefully shrugged him off to step away. “I know there are things you can’t talk to me about. I get that but it feels like you won’t talk to me about anything that isn’t just…”

          Newton floundered as he paced, motioned at himself as if that was any way to finish his sentence. Hermann frowned as his initial reaction was to dispute the indication but found his words stalling out as well. They had talked about some other things since Newton had gotten back to being himself but very rarely. Hermann had been focused on wanting to know he was alright, how he was feeling or what he needed. It had been hard not to focus on that with everything going on between the council, his father and the situation as a whole.

          “What would you like to talk about?” Hermann plucked at his shirt that clung to him some from the transferred dampness. He wished they could have this conversation elsewhere; some place they both could dry off and be warm rather than standing in the drafty hall leading out to the helipad while soaked. Newton had stopped pacing and was staring at him now as Hermann waited for an answer.

          “Come on, you’re already sick.” Newton huffed as he moved to grab Hermann’s hand to lead him back towards the elevator. Hermann pursed his lips feeling a bit contrite as he wasn’t entirely certain his own thoughts hadn’t motivated the sudden awareness of their situation. They started back down towards the center of the shatterdome though they’d have to move through the halls to the other elevator to get down to the bunks.

          Hermann was debating if it would be best just to return to his quarters rather than going down to Newton’s room. They’d have to separate briefly if they went to Newt’s so he could get a dry shirt but he had clothes that would still fit Newton in his room. This didn’t seem like a conversation that should be interrupted. Hermann didn’t trust himself not to try and avoid returning to it later.

          “You. I’d like to talk about you and not in relation to me.” Hermann blinked and looked at Newton but the elevator doors slid open at that moment. He stepped forward quickly and Hermann’s couldn’t get a good look at his expression in those seconds. They walked silently through the halls, passing small groups of people as they went which made conversation feel awkward. Newton circumvented the dining hall, walking through the back way with a familiarity that spoke of how similar the dome was to how it had once been. They’d renovated and changed the name but it was the same place; the same frame and barebones that held it all together.

          Newton kept up a brisk step though Hermann knew he was tempering it so that he could keep up. If he wanted to, he could leave Hermann behind easily but they seemed to be past the moment of burning need to be alone. Hermann wasn’t certain he felt anymore comfortable with where it seemed they had landed in exchange.

          They made it to the second pair of elevators without any more words and that wall still between them mentally. Hermann stopped Newton when he instinctively moved to push the button for the lower floor where his room was and pushed the floor for his own bunk.

          “It will be more privacy and we’ll both have something dry to wear there,” Hermann said in way of explanation though he wasn’t certain it was needed. “Is there anything in particular that you’re hoping to talk about in regards to me?” He only asked once the doors had closed once more leaving them cut off from any interruptions for a short while, at least.

          “I mean, a little bit of everything? What have you been doing these last ten years? And, like, not just work but life stuff too. What has changed? What hasn’t? Who have you been? Who have you been with?” Newton gestured in emphasis, hand chopping into the palm of the other as he made his points. Hermann cringed a little at the last question. He knew it would eventually come up, Newton had mentioned it once before that he’d caught some sight of his memories, but he’d been hoping to avoid it for longer than this.

          The elevator doors reopened and bought him a while longer. Hermann pursed his lips as he stepped out into the hall and Newton trailed after him. He headed towards his quarters, tried to figure out what he was going to say. The truth would be the logical route but Hermann felt oddly uncomfortable broaching that subject. His life during the last ten years had been confusing and lonesome. There had been a few moments of reprieve, a few people who had eased some of that loneliness.

          He got to his room and started to open the door only to realize that Newton wasn’t directly behind him. Hermann felt a small panic until he saw he was only a short distance down the hall staring at a door. He felt a bit of confusion for a few moments until he realized where Newton was standing. His quarters had changed locations since then. Newton’s room used to be right next to it and had been the door that he was staring at right then looking a little lost.

          “I’ve moved. Not far but the room was larger after the renovations.” Hermann called quietly towards him and Newton seemed to come back to the present. He glanced once more at the door before moving slowly down to join him. “I believe our old rooms belong to some of the newer J-techs now.”

          Hermann reached out for Newton, hand held out in as he felt that familiar twinge of sadness at his lost expression. Newton reached out for him in return, hands finding each other to twine together.

          “It’s so much the same that it’s easy to forget that things really are different. Can we…?” Newton nodded towards the door self consciously and Hermann remembered himself as he turned the lock. The door opened for them and he tugged him gently inside so they could have the privacy this discussion required.

          “Would you like some tea?” Newton stopped just inside the room and looked around as Hermann moved to find a dry shirt to change into. He needed to find Newton some clothing as well and he pulled open his small closet to search through as he waited for a response.

          “No…yeah…maybe, I don’t know.” Newton shook his head lightly, moved over to the desk that sat on the far side. Hermann paused for a moment, watched him to see what he’d sort through, and then felt guilty for that sense of doubt when Newton simply picked up one of the framed photos. Hermann dropped his eyes, sorted through the clothes to collect some sweats and a shirt that would hopefully fit Newton as well as a change for himself.

          “I will get some water heated up and then if you decide you’d like some it will be easy to prepare. Here, you can change in the bathroom and then we will talk.” Hermann moved over to hand Newton the folded clothes. He stood for a few moments as Newton seemed to not realize he was there. Hermann didn’t have to look to know which photo it was. He had several on his desk, family and friends over the years, but there was no doubt in his mind that Newton was looking at the photo of them on the lab couch together taken a few days after the closing of the breach. “I…it was…”

          “God, we were happy, weren’t we? Saved the day, found each other in a whole new way…”

          “Yes.” Hermann spoke quietly, looking down at the photo between them. Newton finally seemed to realize that he was so close and met his eyes. The two of them stood there, emotions passing between them that seemed intense, a little bit frightening and familiar all at once. “You should change before you manage to catch cold.”

          “Oh…yeah…thank you.” Hermann watched as Newton seemed to become aware of himself once more. Fidgeted for a few seconds before setting the photograph back down on the desk gently and taking the clothes from him.  “We’re still going to talk.” Newton gave him a pointed look and Hermann nodded his understanding. He hadn’t dared to hope he’d manage to get out of this that simply.

          Newton stepped around him to head into the bathroom and Hermann sighed as he moved to grab his own clothes. He removed his damp shirt to change into the sweatshirt instead and then switched into some sweats. He preferred to be comfortable if they were going to be talking for a while and he felt as if he’d already caught a chill without having been out in the rain itself.

          He glanced towards the doorway of the bathroom from time to time to check if Newton was done or not but he hadn’t emerged even once Hermann had gotten changed and had two cups of tea brewing on the desk. Even if Newton decided he didn’t want one Hermann would be willing to drink them both. He started to worry a little as he continued to wait, sitting on the edge of the bed and lifting one of the cups to sip at the hot liquid.

          Hermann was just about to call out and ask if he was alright when the door finally opened and Newton emerged. The sweatshirt and sweats he’d given to Newton were a bit too large but they seemed to fit well enough. He dumped his wet clothes into a pile near Hermann’s hamper unceremoniously and Hermann opened his mouth to complain. He stopped himself, shut his mouth once more as he shifted and patted the bed besides him so Newton would come sit.

          “So…how should we do this?” Hermann ask as Newton sat down and pulled his legs up onto the bed to sit cross legged.

          “I don’t know…just tell me what you’ve been doing. How you’ve been.” Newton gave a small shrug, some of that fire having died out in the process of getting here. Hermann took a deep breath as he tried to sort through it all. Newton was right, things had happened and had changed over the last several years. But figuring out how to fill Newton in when he’d been there on the peripheral, him but not him all at the same time, was proving difficult.

          That was an excuse, to be honest, because talking in general terms about the last ten years shouldn’t have been any harder than it had been the different times he’d caught up with Tendo or Mako. It was the fact that this was Newton, that there were things that had occurred that were sensitive because of that, and things that Hermann wished they didn’t have to discuss that made this difficult.

          “It has been…I have been…Overall, things have been fine.” Newton gave a soft snort at this and Hermann frowned at him before he realized his word choice. “My apologies but it’s true. It hasn’t been bad and it hasn’t been good. It’s been…fine. I worked, which was most of what I did, work and try to find some purpose. After the war ended and you…were taken, I felt lost. So, I threw myself into the work just as I had when there’d been the world on the line.”

          “Is that why you started working on experiments with the kaiju blood? Cause you were looking for purpose or something?” Newton pushed himself back a little further on the bed, back resting against the wall before tugging on the back of Hermann’s shirt to get him to move to. Hermann set his cup down before he followed suit and did his best to get comfortable, pulled one of his pillows over to set beneath his knee.

          “Yes and no. Continuing the work we had done did give me purpose but it also gave me some sense of what we’d been. Long after the connection from our drift had faded, I still felt as if there were some lingering pieces of you in the back of my mind so I nurtured them.” Hermann felt the embarrassment of it creep up on him as he spoke it out loud. As if he had clung to someone who, at that time, he’d believed wanted nothing to do with him. Perhaps a part of him hadn’t been able accept that because it hadn’t been true.

          “It’s possible there was still some connection. I sometimes felt there were parts of you around. It was mostly them.” Newton gave a soft shrug as he picked nervously at one of his nails. Hermann got the sense he wanted to ask questions, could guess what some of those questions might be. “You stuck with the PPDC?”

          “I did. It was something I questioned several times throughout the years. The purpose changed and the motives behind it all did as well. But I didn’t want to lose the connection to my research and work on the jaeger program. Wanted to make the drift safer and less impactful given how they were bringing in new recruits. I am the Chief Officer of the entire K-science division now.”

          “Top of your class, as always,” Newton said with a hint of a teasing tone. Hermann rolled his eyes with a fond smile. “Have you been here the whole time? In Hong Kong?”

          “I spent a few years up at the Anchorage shatterdome. They had closed down here for renovations and Anchorage served as the main center for updating the drift technology and getting production on new jaegers underway back then. Things were changing so quickly it felt a bit like the war was still going.” Hermann rested his head against the wall, settled down next to Newton a little more as he thought back on those days. There had been a lull after the war ended but the moment the council had stepped back in, they’d pushed to advance the technology and expand its use. Hermann hadn’t been happy with all the suggested uses but if he’d left, he would have had no say in it whatsoever.

          “Aside from work, I visited Karla and Vanessa frequently. They are still happily together and have been recently considering adoption. Karla is convinced that they are too old. I think she’s just nervous about the idea, scared that she’ll be like our father which is preposterous.” Hermann shook his head lightly at the thought. He knew Karla would come around to the idea with a bit more time just as he knew she’d be an amazing parent. Vanessa had found them a class that went over the information on the process.

          “Wow…kids? Like, one or several?” Newton sounded in awe as he spoke softly during his momentary pause.

          “One, I think. That is the plan they’ve discussed so far.”

          “I hope they do it. They’re gonna be so good at being parents. How bout the other two?”

          “I visited Dietrich when we could find the time. He moved back to London just a few months ago from living in Toronto and is doing well. He’s been seeing someone though we’ve not met them yet which probably means it serious. And then, Bastien is…well, Bastien is somewhere in the world. Unless he has called, we typically don’t know where. Last I heard he’d made his way down to the Virgin Islands and had plans to work with a group of divers who were attempting to rehabilitate the reefs there. We’ve gotten far closer than we used to be but he still doesn’t stay in touch as much.”

          “I’m glad they’re all doing good. Fine just like you said. It sounds like things have been really good for everyone…” Newton trailed off a little as he pulled his knees up to his chest. Hermann hoped that this was helping and not simply aggravating the issue. “They all know, I’m guessing?” Hermann tugged his hand free from Newton’s hold but only so he could drape his arm over his shoulders and pull him closer.

          “I’ve…not informed everyone just yet but that is what I was discussing with Karla and Vanessa. They will be attempting to explain to the others for me. Everything hasn’t been fine, not all the time, there have been losses and arguments and hurts but I suppose that, yes, overall everyone has been fine.” Newton let his head fall onto Hermann’s shoulder with a sigh as he curled against his side. Hermann wished he could help with this somehow, that he could figure out just how to soothe Newton’s hurt and sense of loss.

          “Do you think I could talk to any of them soon? Karla and ‘Nessa? Do they want to talk to me?”

          “I…I think they would like that but after some time. They both have a lot that needs to sink in with what has happened and there are some…old hurts that may be difficult for them to resolve. There was a conversation that occurred shortly after you left that seemed to alter Karla’s feelings towards you and though I don’t know what was said she has…not been forgiving over the years.”

          “Oh…right…” Newton fidgeted a little. Hermann had to fight the compulsion to ask if he remembered what had been said during that conversation. Karla had always shut him out when he’d asked. He supposed it didn’t really matter now because he knew. He knew that, that no matter what had been said, it hadn’t been Newton who said it. It made him realize that there were so many things he needed to reevaluate himself when he had the time to do so.

          “So, um, what about other things…any hot dates, Dr. Gottlieb?” Newton tried to put some humor in his voice as he asked but it hardly covered the awkwardness that they both felt. Hermann had known this was some of Newton’s curiosity especially after their quiet declarations while out on the helipad.

          “I spent most of my time over the years on my own but there were some others.” He paused to gauge Newton’s reaction to this. Again, it wasn’t the first time it had been mentioned but it would be the first time they truly approached the subject in detail. “A few were small thing there were nothing serious. There were a couple that were more but I’ve been on my own for a little while now.”

          “Do you…want to talk about any of them?” Hermann looked down at Newton who was toying with the end of the drawstring to his hood. He tugged his arm carefully from between the two of them, draping it over Newton’s shoulders to pull him close. To hold him tightly.

          “The first, Adam, we were together for about six months and we both realized that things weren’t working. We were content enough with each other but there wasn’t any real connection. It felt more like we were two people spending time together for the sake of having someone to spend time with. He had lost his previous partner during that last attack on Sydney when the wall failed.”

          Hermann felt Newton shift to look up at him as he spoke, felt his arms slip around his waist as they both seemed to try and curl closer. He hadn’t thought about Adam in a long time. It had been one of the first time he’d admitted to himself that Newton wasn’t going to just come back to him. Adam had been mourning still and Hermann was refusing to confront his own loss or to even admit he had lost something.

          “Roger was the other. We dated for a couple of years. That was a more difficult end and a bit more recent.”

          “How…recent?” Newton spoke quietly and Hermann gave him a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

          “Last year. He felt I was ‘married to my work’ and not really letting him in. In truth, he was correct. It never quite felt the same. I don’t think it could have; we worked together for so long and, of course, our drift added another layer to that. It was hard not to feel there was something missing in our relationship without that similar connection you and I shared during our short time together. And he struggled to understand…the dreams. The nightmares.”

          “I wish that you had been able to make it work.” Newton said it with a sigh; he sounded tired and sad. Two things that Hermann could relate to rather well. “I mean, I don’t, selfishly. But for your sake I wish it had worked out. Better a connection with Roger than one with me. Especially since I’m pretty sure some of those nightmares were probably related to me, ya know, actively keeping that link alive.”

          “It’s for the better. Roger needed more than I was able to really give; there was a reason I remained so buried in my work. I just don’t think either of us had wanted to discuss it before then.” Hermann gave a soft shrug and thought back on the last time he’d seen Roger. It had been quiet between them after that final talk had occurred and as they’d split up their belongings once more that silence had continued.

          “Well, then he’s an idiot.” Newton huffed, a familiar tone of voice that was protective, almost petulant, offense that he’d last heard long before they’d gotten together themselves. Years ago, when another break-up had occurred and Newton had voiced his opinions on that specific paramour in a loud and adamant manner. Hermann hadn’t known back then the full force of feeling behind it. He didn’t honestly know now but if they were broaching difficult subjects it may be fitting to discuss that as well.

          “Well, I appreciate the sentiment. He is, actually, a rather brilliant man but just not the right person.” Hermann gave a soft smile as Newton gave him a look that clearly stated he wasn’t convinced of Roger’s intelligence. “And I rather enjoy having a connection with you, you know? I missed it a great deal.”

          Newton dropped his eyes back down with a flickering look of guilt. Hermann couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking and his fidgeting with the end of the drawstring of his sweatshirt. He tried to think if there was anything else that he could think of to tell Newton; anything of importance that stood out in his mind at that moment.

          “When…whatever is going on work wise with you right now is done…what’s the plan then?” Newton interrupted his attempt as he spoke quietly, tugging a little at that drawstring.

          “I’m not certain. I would like to take you somewhere. Somewhere quiet where we will hopefully have some peace.” Hermann watched him as he answered, raised his free hand up to set in on top of Newton’s on his chest. “You’ll have time to adjust to things and we can work out things without all the stress and pressure weighing on us. That is my hope if that sounds alright to you?”

          Hermann pressed his lips against the top of Newton’s head, took in the damp scent of his hair that was missing all its old product. He looked so different and yet utterly the same even with the beard he hadn’t seemed to realize he’d been growing.

          “I think that sounds amazing.”

          Hermann pulled away a little when he felt Newton shift as if to sit up straighter. Their eyes met as Newton tilted his head up and he saw the hesitancy and fear for a few seconds before their lips met. It was soft and timid at first, a mere feather light touch of their lips ghosting over each other.

          They remained close as Hermann searched Newton’s face, worried it was too quick. It wasn’t doubt that Newton truly felt for him, they had admitted those feelings a few nights before. They, truly, had admitted those feelings ten years ago in that strange rush of post-drift ‘we saved the world’ celebration. Hermann wanted nothing more than for them to be able to work back towards where they’d once been. He felt his resistance, his determination they’d take things extra slow and careful waned as Newton look back at him with a deep longing that echoed between them.

          Newton pushed forward at the same moment Hermann reached for him and their lips clashed back together desperately. Hermann’s eyes closed as he slid his arms around Newton’s waist; felt him scramble to straddle his lap. They were like puzzle pieces finding their matching partners, slotting in with each other once more.

          Newton was still thinner than he’d once been, his beard a rasp against Hermann’s face but it was that old sense of completion. The taste of him, the weight of him as they pressed close and the soft needy noise that escaped from him. It was a rush of all the things that had been and all that Hermann hoped could be.

          Hermann felt Newton’s arms slip around his shoulders, fingers knotting in the fabric of his sweatshirt’s hood and he found himself feeling overly warm. He pulled out of the kiss reluctantly to catch his breath, both of them a bit breathless as Newton rested his forehead against his. They were so close together that Hermann could see that dusting of freckles across Newton’s cheeks, could see the golden ring of color around his pupil in his otherwise green eyes.

          “That was…”

          “Yes.” Their thoughts were a cacophony in their minds, ricocheting off each other and experiencing exponential growth. Hermann didn’t even need to lean forward to catch Newton’s lips this time. It was slower, both of them taking a bit more time to explore the subtle differences. Newton’s lips were softer, they’d always been a bit chapped before, and he was timider even while being more than willing to part his lips for Hermann.   

          Hermann gave a soft hum of contentment, leaned back to sink against the wall fully as he settled into the kiss. He trailed his hands gently up along Newton’s back, a light touch that traced up his spine and felt the hint of ribs that once had been well padded. He felt a self-conscious twinge from Newton’s end and he stilled his hands to pull him a little closer. Newton was gorgeous no matter what but Hermann knew that the changes had been forced on him. He’d help Newton find his way back to feeling healthy and himself.

          A small tickle started in the back of his throat and Hermann pulled out of the kiss suddenly to try and duck his head to avoid sneezing on Newton directly. It was only partially successful and they both sat for a few beats as Hermann tried to regain his composure even as another sneeze forced its way out of him. This one he at least managed to keep from causing a mess.

          “You’re sick.”

          “Nonsense, it’s just allergies. Though…perhaps we shouldn’t…as a precaution.” Hermann would much rather they continue as they had been but his practical side was hesitant to risk getting Newton sick.

          Newt gave a huff as he frowned at him and Hermann tried to gauge just what he was thinking as he felt his thumb smooth across his jaw. He could feel the stubble burn on his face, a slight irritation, and Newton leaned forward to place a chaste peck on the corner of his mouth.    

          “I guess I should shave, huh?” Newton shifted to get off Hermann’s lap but he gently gripped his hips to hold him there for a second longer. To make it clear he didn’t have to move if he didn’t want to even if he had recommended that they stop kissing for precaution’s sake. Newton met his eyes and some words passed silently between them before he settled back into place, shifting slightly to make the position more comfortable for them both.

          “Do you want to shave?” Hermann felt a small tug of disappointment at the suggestion. The stubble burn wasn’t entirely unpleasant and he had been finding himself feeling more and more that the facial hair suited Newton. He had grown it out a few times during the war as well, not often but usually when they were in the thick of it, and Hermann had admired it even back then.

          “I don’t know. It’s different but I kind of like it. Makes me feel a little more…me, I guess?” Newton shrugged as he draped his arms over Hermann’s shoulders and let his fingers trail along the back of his neck. It was difficult not to want to kiss him again but Hermann showed restraint. Newton seemed fine with their current state but there had been anxieties that Hermann had felt trickle through over the time he’d been back in control. Certainly, slow would be better.

          “I rather like it,” Hermann said thoughtfully as he reached a hand up to gently tug at the whiskers. “It could use some shaping up but a beard has always looked good on you.”

          “Really? I should know that but I didn’t know that.” Newton gave a small smile that was a little shy and all flattered. “Maybe I can see if Tendo will help me out with that sometime soon then. Clean it up just a little so it’s not growing out all wild looking.” Newton pulled them together, buried his face in the crook of Hermann’s neck to rub the offending beard against his skin. It tickled and sent a chill down Hermann’s spine as he struggled to pull away with a laugh knowing he’d end up looking as if he’d had a fight with a bristle brush at this rate.

          The intimacy felt natural. It felt like it had a long time ago. And Hermann hoped that meant they could reclaim it and that this wasn’t just a fleeting moment. Newton stopped his assault on Hermann’s skin while staying curled close, breath brushing against his neck with warmth and moisture. Hermann slide his arms around him, pulled him a little closer as he closed his eyes.

          “I know putting you on the spot makes it kind of hard but can we keep up the talking thing? Sharing stuff that happened. I know it probably feels like a lot but I’m not going anywhere. And, I mean that in both the sense that I feel like I’m stalled out here like I’m stuck on the side of some road with no gas and realizing that all the traffic’s already passed me by and in the sense that if you want me to be around, I have no plans to be anywhere else but here with you. I’m not gonna leave again.”

          Hermann frowned at the other side of the room; staring at nothing as he listened to Newton’s voice, muffled against his neck. Part of him wanted to respond by immediately scoffing at the insinuation that he’d been worried that Newton might leave but it was the truth. Newton had just been the one willing to speak it out loud. He wondered when their positions had changed; when Newton had started to comfort him instead. He’d lost ten years as well; he’d just been conscious of it while it happened.

          “Of course, I want you here. If I could I’d have you within my reach at every moment.” Hermann blinked rapidly as he found his voice, pushed away the tears that were trying to cling to his lashes and clump them together.

          “Good.”

          “You know, if I am ill than I’ve already infected you…” Hermann felt Newton’s burst of laughter shake through him. It dragged his own out of him as they tumbled into it; both of them curled in with their shared mirth.  

          “Between the making out and the fact that you splattered me with your sneeze, yeah, yeah you probably have.” Newton sat back some, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve as Hermann did the same. They met each other’s gaze and it stilled some of the humor for a moment as Newton reached out to him, toyed with the collar of his sweatshirt with that timid nature that sought his permission.

          “I suppose it doesn’t matter if I do this then,” Hermann said, tone soft and full of emotion as he leaned forward and brushed their lips together. Hovered in that just touching state for a drawn out second before they committed to the kiss; soft and slow in a way that held the promise that there’s be more of this. More time for them to be together.

          They eventually settled with Newton’s head resting on his shoulder, nuzzled together and talking lazily. Hermann could feel his fatigue as he closed his eyes, pressed his nose against Newton’s neck as he held his arms loosely around him.

*

 

          The next thing Newton knew there was a knock at the door as they both were startled awake. He was still curled up against Hermann, straddling his lap as the slumped awkwardly against the wall.

          “I’ve got to get the door, darling.” Hermann muttered and Newton reluctantly shifted off of him. Discovered a world of cricks in his neck and back as flopped onto the mattress with a huff. He cracked his eyes open to watch Hermann get up off the bed and they both glanced towards the clock on his nightstand at the same time. _Early_.

          Hermann reached for his cane, seemed to need a moment before he could start towards the door where another knock echoed the first. Newt knew they shouldn’t have fallen asleep like they had as he could feel the twinge of pain that was a shadow of what Hermann was feeling.

          Hermann finally moved to open the door and Newton shifted down a little on the bed to try and see who was there. Caught sight of Tendo giving Hermann a quick smile.

          “Yes, Mr. Choi?” Hermann sighed as he stepped back as if to let him inside but Tendo stayed on the doorstep. He did peek around Hermann to give Newton a small wave though and Newton felt his cheeks get a bit warm; decided there was another point towards keeping the beard.

          “They’ve called a meeting. Everyone’s required to attend. Well, almost.” Tendo spoke quietly but Newton could still hear him. Picked up on the words and curled a little tighter when Hermann’s mental blocked went up into place. He tried to keep his own thoughts from straying. From the doubts he’d rather not dwell on tried to rise up.

          _Was it all according to their plan?_

          Fucking Lars putting thoughts in his head.

          “You’ve got fifteen, brother.” Tendo patted Hermann on his arm as they spoke by the door. Newton pulled Hermann’s pillow from its spot to tuck it under his head. He had to stifle a yawn, felt exhausted despite feeling wide awake at the same time.  

          “I will change and be with you in a few moments. The main conference room?”

          “Yep. Meet you there. Gotta make a call and then I’m heading up.” Hermann gave a short wave before he shut the door and Newton dropped his eyes. He knew he couldn’t know exactly what was going on. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what it was probably in regards to. There would be only one reason at this point for them to be calling a quiet hush hush meeting at four in the morning.

          “You gotta go?” Newton said it as he watched Hermann move to sit down on the edge of the bed besides him.  

          “I do. Would you rather stay here and get some more rest or head back down to your room?” Newton shifted a little closer to Hermann, rested his head on his knee as he gave a soft sigh. He felt that stir of irritation again as he swallowed past a lump in his throat.  

          “Am I allowed to stay here on my own?” Hermann gave him a bit of a pained look and Newton wished he’d been able to rein in his bitterness a little better than that. Hermann cupped his cheek, ran a thumb over his cheekbone as he seemed to mull over the answer.

          “Of course. I may need to let them know where you are in case someone needs to check in but you are just fine on your own. I’ll check back here afterwards, perhaps we can grab some breakfast then. If you go back to your rooms or anywhere else leave me a note?” Newton studied Hermann’s face as he spoke. Fully suspected that he was deciding just then for himself that Newton was allowed to be on his own. Wondered if he’d get in trouble for doing so.

            “I probably won’t go anywhere but if I do, I’ll leave a note and meet you back downstairs.” Newton gave him a soft smile, decided then he’d be content just waiting for Hermann to get back. Minimize the chances that he’d be getting him in trouble.

          Hermann pulled away, let Newton place his head back on the pillow before he stood only to lean down to kiss his temple. Newton caught the strings of Hermann’s sweatshirt, awkwardly pulling him down to quickly kiss his lips in gratitude. It earned him a smile, bright and brilliant and utterly Hermann, in the moments before he moved to find something to wear.

          “Why don’t you climb under the covers? You’ll be more comfortable.” Newton watched Hermann gather his clothes from the drawers of his dresser as he spoke. Eyes tracking him around the small space until he stepped into the bathroom to change. Newton closed his eyes once he was alone, frowned as he tried to push his thoughts back on a course that was less anxiety inducing. Like, Hermann’s lips on his last night. That had been unexpected and nice.

          He heard the door to the bathroom open and Hermann reappeared looking well put together. Newton stayed curled where he was, watched him silently as he tried to hold back another yawn. He felt like he’d hardly slept which might have been a mix of his emotional overload and the bad sleeping position. Hermann seemed to think he was asleep as he moved quietly around the room, grabbed his jacket before pausing by his desk.

          Newton watched him open a drawer on the desk and dig quietly into the bottom of it. He pulled a stack of papers out and glanced his way. Newton didn’t know why but he closed his eyes, let him believe he was asleep. He listened to Hermann shift about the room for a few seconds longer before he came over and pulled the blankets over him. Newton felt a small flutter as he was tucked in and Hermann pressed another kiss to his temple before the door finally closed and Newton was on his own.  

          He opened his eyes again though it took a bit of effort as the fatigue tried to take an actual hold. He pulled the blankets around him tightly and glanced towards the desk. There was a stack of papers sitting in the center of the desk now, bound carefully by a ribbon. Hermann had left them there, had likely left them for him. Newton shifted to sit up, took the blankets with him as he climbed off the bed. He stepped up to the desk and pressed his fingertips against the top of the stack. Took a deep breath as he realized what they were.

          “Oh, Hermann…” It was their letters. It looked like all of them from the size of the stack. Not just the ones that Hermann had received from him but the ones he’d sent to Newton as well. Newt sat down in the chair feeling a bit overwhelmed as he saw the familiar scrawl on the top page.

 

          _Dr. Gottlieb,_

_My name is Dr. Newton Geiszler; I am currently employed at MIT. I read your recent paper on the research into…_

*

         

          “We’ve gotten a response from three of the retired teams. Two are willing to come work with us; one has declined due to health issues. That gives us four jaegers on the ground with actual pilots in them at the breach site. With Ms. Shao’s drone being piloted from here so that it can travel through the breach we should hopefully be prepared for any counter measures they may deploy.” Herc sounded just about as tired as Hermann currently felt. His hip ached after the long night of sleeping while in a sitting position. Despite the pain he wouldn’t have changed a thing about the night before. Well, that was a lie. He would have preferred if it hadn’t taken Newton having a small crisis for him to realize his lapse in judgement.

          It had at least come before this. This meeting signaled the end of the short reprieve. It signaled the end of their preparations and the final steps into their attempt on the anteverse. Hermann felt relieved and unsettled. If they could finally end this, finally be free of it, it would mean he’d be able to get Newton out of there. To do what they had discussed the night before. It could also mean the entire thing could go terribly wrong.

          The mood of the entire room seemed to echo his own. It should have been a celebration that they’d gotten here but instead it felt more suited to a funeral. If they failed, they could be unleashing more trouble than they could handle. It was a reality they were all starkly aware of and one that they’d do their best to avoid. There was no saying what would happen once the breach was open. No knowing whether the Precursors were ready for them or not. At least not for most of them.

          It was different, being the ones who were attempting to bring about another's apocalypse. He hoped they were approaching it with more gravitas than the Precursors seemed to. Just because they were making a defensive move didn’t mean it lost any of that weight.

          Despite it all, they wouldn't waver, wouldn't back out, they would deal with the weight of it in the aftermath. He doubted their red lead contraptions would be enough to destroy the Precursors entirely but it would hopefully be the last straw to break their proverbial backs. Send the clear message that this was not a planet to infringe on. Newton wasn't a mind to infringe on. 

          "The PPDC has decided to give a global warning before we make the attempt. Those in the cities closest to where we'll be opening the breach will be on high alert and are doing final checks of their existing shelters and procedures. We have decided the best place to open the breach is here-" Mako indicated an area about a thousand miles out in the Philippines sea. Most of the coastal cities along the coast there had wide seclusion zones, most had already activated their bunkers due to the attack a few weeks ago and would have the fastest response in the case of a kaiju slipping through while it also allowed them proximity to the shatterdome. 

          It wasn't ideal. They had discussed attempting this in the arctic but there was a fear of causing natural disasters if the energy and heat put out by the opening of the breach caused a sudden melt. The oceans had proven already that they were able to absorb that energy with relatively minimal side effects. 

          "We will have another meeting twenty-four hour before the attempt. At that time, we'll need confirmation that everything is completed and in place. Any concerns at that point will need to be addressed then. Once we're locked in, we won't be able to go back. Understood?" Herc gave everyone a look for a second to ensure they all were listening. By the expressions in the room it was clear few people were certain they were prepared. But the council wanted this done fast and a decisive strike now meant less chance for the Precursors to prepare their own counter attack. 

          Mako shifted to stand at the end of the table in front of the map that was pulled up on the display. She set a hand on Raleigh's shoulder as she surveyed them all. The leads of every team were present; the only ones missing were their retired Rangers who were in route to the Shatterdome. They would have had their briefing earlier over a holo-call. She pursed her lips for a second as she met his eyes before she smiled, soft and serene. 

          "Every single one of you has put so much into this and for that, I thank you. We did not start this fight, we did not choose to pursue it after the first battle was won. They have made it clear that they have no intention of ending this. So, we will end it instead. This will be our message to them that, no matter what means they deploy, we will not be defeated. We are stronger than them, individually and as a whole.” Hermann pursed his lips at this comment, one he knew was aimed towards Newton despite him not being present to hear it. “I will see you all here again in forty-eight hours. Until then, I trust we will all put our best into finalizing any remaining details. Thank you." 

**Author's Note:**

> I will admit I wasn't the biggest fan of how Uprising handled a lot of the characters. So, this is sort of my fix it fic to help the fact that I'm immensely upset that Newton's story wasn't treated with more emotion. 
> 
> Also, fuck Mako Mori being dead. Throw that right out the window. 
> 
> I don't know how far I'll go with this one but I felt the need to write it so I am.


End file.
